Weddingbee Boards Topic: Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd

Weddingbee Boards Topic: Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Weddingbee Boards Topic: Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd en Fri, 29 Aug 2008 19:47:38 +0000 suzanno on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/3#post-54178 Tue, 27 May 2008 12:44:44 +0000 suzanno 54178@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I think the key, as with most things, is this:  If you can get beyond the cost, which you think is too high, the bride's treatment of you, which you think is at least a little insensitive, and any general free-floating resentment you have at this point and participate with a good attitude and without regrets, you should stay.  If not, you should bow out with a smile, and let the bride get somebody who can lay out the money to stand in your place.  The thing is, your window seems to be closing, as if the other girl is to take your place she is going to need to buck up for the dress, find shoes and bag, etc, etc.  And maybe it's easier on her, as she sounds to be local? Not being able to afford to do everything your friends would like is not something you should feel bad about.  It's being pushed into a position where you feel like you have no choice that creates resentment.  And you always have a choice - I would much rather have a friend let me know her limitations and even decline to take part than later on find out that she resents how difficult it was.  Your friend may sound unsympathetic right now, because she is thinking mostly about logistics, but if she already has a plan to replace you if need be, that tells me it wouldn't be that big a deal.  It's not like she broke down and cried and told you she simply couldn't think what to do if you couldn't cut it, right?  Unfortunately that puts the decision squarely back in your lap, which is a little uncomfortable.  But v is right in that you just need to make the decision and then abide by it - and if that decision is to back out, then it does probably need to be made soon. If you're worried that somehow backing out of being a BM means you ruin this friendship, I would suggest that there's not much of a friendship to ruin.  One of my best friends, who is being a huge help with my wedding, got married six years ago and I didn't even make it to her wedding.  For no good reason, seriously.  The travel arrangements got kind of messed up at the last minute, and I was upset and stressed and really too busy at work anyway, but I should just have tried harder.  I know she was hurt at the time, but we are still great friends, and now that I'm getting married I understand a lot better what a big deal it is...  anyway, my point is that if your friend is willing to throw away your friendship just because you can't be her BM, she doesn't value it that much in the first place. yogigal on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/3#post-54068 Tue, 27 May 2008 04:18:17 +0000 yogigal 54068@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ This thread is something else! I have been in your shoes as a broke bridesmaid.  Now that I'm the bride, I'm trying to be very aware of all of the costs.  I don't want anyone mad at me, or to feel caught off guard. The advice I have for you is to relax.  She really isn't that bad. I think that she should have let you know what was expected first, but a lot of this comes with the territory. I'm sure the majority of your freakout is based on the travel expenses.  It sucks.  I think the summer before last I estimated our wedding costs to be 6000 between the two of us.  That is for travel, dresses, tuxes etc.  Get out now if you can.  I quit a wedding due to the expenses and I do not regret it whatsoever!     bride on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/3#post-54065 Tue, 27 May 2008 02:32:24 +0000 bride 54065@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ wow, hahahah, sorry for the big long essay. bride on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/3#post-54063 Tue, 27 May 2008 02:28:13 +0000 bride 54063@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ wow! i was a bridesmaid twice. the first, the bride took care of all of the expenses. i gave it my all, helping her in every way possible. the second was a big expense. dress. hair/make up (she wanted them professionally done, but asked us to pay for it). big trip to vegas where we split hotel, meals, clubs, transportation, activities, and other expenses (combined bachelor/ette party). i did not want to go b/c of the cost involved, but i let it go b/c they were both my friends. the bride/groom shower. the bridal lingerie party. the shoes. the jewelry. their wedding gift. i do feel that the bride should have been more upfront about the costs, especially for the items that are beyond the usual. a simple talk/e-mail about our budget as a BM would have been courteous. i know the other girls and i were a bit resentful, but in the end, b/c of our friendship, we all let it go. their wedding was gorgeous, and seamless b/c of the great bridal party (nothing ever got to the b&g b/c we all took care of the details and problems), but it would have been nice if they were a bit more considerate about the costs involved. esp in the asian cultures, many times, the bride takes care of bulk of the costs, so we weren't sure how she was going to go about it. her younger cousin had the most trouble with the expenses and talked to me about it. thus, for our wedding, we are paying for most things (all outfits, accessories, shoes, hair/makeup, jewelry, anything that they normally wouldn't pay), but they are all taking care of their own flight/transportation (most are local), accommodations (one will be staying with us, others with other family members, a few will stay at hotels at their own expense), and any other trip expenses.  we're giving them nice gifts as thank you's as well. i know it is a lot to ask to have them help out during the day and put out so much to be with us; thus, I made sure to put the bridal party costs in the budget (even though we are way over!) b/c i did not want anyone to resent standing beside us in such a special way. good luck! i know you are just venting, and i'm sure you'll have a wonderful time. and i hope that the expenses that you've incurred will come back tenfold b/c you wont put a pricetag on your friendship. hopefully, your friend will figure out that if ppl are starting to feel resentful, it's not b/c she isn't a good bride, but that she's not being a good friend. on the plus side, she did offer you an out, but it sounds like you want to do it, it's just it's more costly than you had thought. fatheadbride on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/3#post-54040 Mon, 26 May 2008 22:49:19 +0000 fatheadbride 54040@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ My goodness this has everyones feathers ruffled, huh? Jibi on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/3#post-54032 Mon, 26 May 2008 22:00:21 +0000 Jibi 54032@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I guess I do see both sides, having been a MOH and spent over $1000 at my best friend's wedding, who HAD to chose a $380 dress  (but I love her, and it's all good, and she'll do the same for my wedding which is coming up, but since I love her, I'm going to chose the cheapest, most rewearable dress ever).  No one paid for my lodging, dress, or flight.  But then again, I also see the bride's side, who must have felt totally caught aback when you told her (for the first time) that you can't afford your bridesmaid expenses AFTER the dress had been ordered.  Flight and hotel are costs that you could have easily estimated (at least 600 bucks there from CA to MA, no?) upfront, which (as  someone else brought up before) are costs you would have spent as a guest anyway, and the cost of the dress, I assume, you would have found out when you ordered it.  I would also note that the bride actually tried to look for an economical souce and ordered it from Netbride, which is cheaper that most bridal salons.  What I also don't understand is that  then, why are you realizing just now that you can't afford it? Is it really just the shoes and the clutch?  Why can't you talk to the MOH, since it's just the two of you, to come up with the most economical and matchy cream colored clutch and shoes (which won't cost more than 50 bucks if you look hard).  You also say that you are using your mileage for your flight, which should soften the blow somewhat, and depending on which MA city, you could also look on priceline for hotels.  I think the key is to try to see things from the other side's point of view.  It sounds like bride is overstretching herself as it is (you say she is not rich) even with a small wedding of 50.  She wanted you to be one of her only two girls in her bridal party and that should mean a lot; I don't think she meant to "guilt trip" you when she told you that she would be dissappointed if you backed out and had to ask her SIL instead.  She probably meant it. JCM9608 on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/3#post-53985 Mon, 26 May 2008 18:59:53 +0000 JCM9608 53985@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ ITA with suzanno. V on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/3#post-53943 Mon, 26 May 2008 14:57:29 +0000 V 53943@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ You should've dropped out when she gave you the chance...obviously you're not happy...and can't afford it...since you've stayed...you've made your bed now lay on it. Please stop trashing the bride...it's very childish...you're agreeing to everything she wants without putting a stop to it...who's the one that's being unrealistic???    suzanno on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/3#post-53942 Mon, 26 May 2008 14:32:19 +0000 suzanno 53942@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ In fact IT IS the responsibility of the bride and her family to pay for lodging for out of town bridesmaids - or find them free accomodations with family.  You won't find any etiquette book that says differently.  And the expense of days at the spa, on top of travel and clothing and accomodations is not actually reasonable, unless it's an activity in which you care to participate, and which you can afford. If the bride is "livid" that you can't or won't go do everything she orders, I'm not sure how or why you consider her a friend.  If your friend cares about you at all, you should be able to find a reasonable compromise.  Being the bride is no excuse to start ordering friends and family around without regard for their personal feelings or finances - as the bride, I still maintain, if you want to orchestrate every little thing to go your way, you had better be prepared to get out your checkbook and back it up.  Sweeney2Be on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/3#post-53918 Mon, 26 May 2008 11:31:57 +0000 Sweeney2Be 53918@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I agree with amysue - she's given you the opportunity to back out, not participating in or buying the items you are asked is rude and bad freindship behavior. Yes, you may never use that clutch again but maybe she has photos in mind where you are all holding them - you'll be a sore thumb and ruin the photos with out it. And the spa day, I would be livid if one of my girls started to pick and choose what she was going to participate in and buy. This isn't  your day, and weddings are spendy. You may have to borrow from mom and dad or a friend but to be honest - either do what s she's asking, or simply take the out she has given you.  I know it sucks, but you've agreed to be in her day and in turn need to do what she wants and asks.   amysue on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/2#post-53811 Sun, 25 May 2008 09:31:20 +0000 amysue 53811@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Agreed, missrae, and like I said, I totally understand her complaints and think a matching clutch is just the icing on a pretty expensive cake. I was just saying that since she's been given the opportunity to back out, to stay in and be in-your-face about it to the bride on the wedding day would be pretty bad friendship behavior, as well. missrae on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/2#post-53809 Sun, 25 May 2008 08:50:42 +0000 missrae 53809@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I don't understand why some of y'all are being so nasty to this girl. I'm a bride, and I see her point of view entirely. maybe a public forum isn't the best place to air these feelings, but it opens up an interesting conversation like suzanno mentioned earlier -- what are the responsibilities of a bride/bridesmaid? maybe i feel this way because I've never been a bridesmaid -- i don't feel like someone "owes" me on my own wedding, and i don't expect friends of mine to overextend themselves financially just because i'm getting married. I think the entire WIC has over-inflated weddings, brides and bridesmaids to this sad, materialistic point.  It would break my heart to know that any of my wedding plans were causing hardship on someone so special to me to the point of looking for help online. I would do everything possible to help or ease the situation because the wedding IS ONE DAY. TRUE FRIENDSHIP is supposed to be much deeper than that.   caliocteach on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/2#post-53729 Sat, 24 May 2008 13:55:56 +0000 caliocteach 53729@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ MissyJenn -- Your last comment posted sounds b**y and nasty.  Just drop out at this point.  You come off self centered, revengeful, and just plain mean.  I agree with vyeta7 -- the airfare and hotel room are expenses you would have inccured as a guest of the wedding and are NOT considered part of the bm expenses.  The dress, shoes, and clutch are all reasonable bm expenses.  If any of my bridesmaids behaved like you I would take it very personally and would see it as finding out who my friends really are.  One of my bridesmaids is flying out from North Carolina and she gladly purchased her airfare and booked her hotel room without saying a sigle word to me about it, knowing that if she were not in my wedding she would be doing the same as a guest.  I think you like to complain and your "friend" is getting married and you are not happy for her and want to make it all about yourself.  You should have stopped posting while you were ahead.  To the board moderators -- I suggest you end this board now before this bm explodes. amysue on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/2#post-53667 Sat, 24 May 2008 08:54:30 +0000 amysue 53667@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Although I sympathize with your complaints, I echo others' sentiment that you need to be careful not to bring all that negativity to the wedding day. It's one thing to just flat-out not be able to afford something, but it's another to throw your conflicts in the bride's face the day of, you know? I think you've still got time to resolve these feelings within yourself and just accept that your friend isn't being the most considerate, but that she'll probably regain her sanity as soon as she leaves for her honeymoon, and that you'd rather her potentially be apologetic about what's gone on than focus on the bad vibes she picks up from you. Seriously, I don't mean to undermine the frustration of what you've been dealing with, but I do think that if you're going to go into it with a vendetta, you should back out. It's just not worth it and you'll have more fun as a guest. vyeta7 on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/2#post-53659 Sat, 24 May 2008 07:09:14 +0000 vyeta7 53659@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Whether it is expected or not expected for the bride to pay for dresses (and it looks like it's regional or varies by group of friends) and it is certainly not her job to find accomodations for you, but this is not the real issue. I think what most bothers me is how mean and angry you sound when talking about your friend who considers you her best friend. I would hate to think that the women I treasure and depend on would be so nasty and mercenary about me on a public forum. We are all brides her and basically you would be my worst nightmare as far as wedding parties go - it seems to all be about you. You seem less and less like a person with a valid concern and more and more like a whiny attention seeker.  You were given the option to back out of the wedding party, you should do so and improve the situation for everyone.  mascott25 on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/2#post-53629 Fri, 23 May 2008 23:15:11 +0000 mascott25 53629@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Ok, I guess I'm not getting this. You keep complaining about the flight and the hotel.  Weren't you going as a guest if she hadn't asked you  to be in the party? Would you have expected her to assist you with travel as a guest ? Would you have expected her to find lodging if you were attending as a guest? How do you expect someone to offer you lodging in someone else's home. Honestly, you keep coming back with more comments  trying to make your "friend" and the situation  sound worse and worse when your complaints are the same. The majority of the people here agree with you. Why don't you let it go now? Honestly, you should have just bowed out when she gave you the chance and you still should. I think you're really angry and you're going to bring all that negativity with you. I can't see how you  can possibly stand up and be supportive with the feelings you are expressing here.   MissyJenn on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/2#post-53625 Fri, 23 May 2008 22:19:17 +0000 MissyJenn 53625@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Thank you SO MUCH ladies for the support...you have all "voiced" my thoughts exactly. I haven't been able to get in touch with the only other attendant, the MOH, who've I've been told by the bride herself doesn't seem so enthusiastic about her (MOH) position. (apparently the MOH was a total downer at the bridal shower)  I'm just waiting to see, I guess, the humor when the MOH and I show up in different shades/styles of cream-colored shoes...and that's when I will say "I TOLD YOU SO!"<img src="/my-plugins/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/icon_biggrin.gif" /> She didn't offer me any family to stay with b/c apparently their houses are too small to accomodate another guest...her grandmother is senile so that's out of the question; she has a friend but she didn't feel comfortable asking her..(rolls eyes) I know her aunt and I bet it wouldn't be a problem but she (the bride) thinks her (the aunt's) place is too small. WHATEVER...my hotel is booked....she (the bride) is unbelievable all right! As for the clutch..YEAH WHATEVER! (oh I decided that b/c i'm spending 1k on HER wedding, she's not getting that gift I was planning to get from Tiffany's!! ; LaborDayBride on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/2#post-53309 Fri, 23 May 2008 08:01:37 +0000 LaborDayBride 53309@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I kind of totally don't get the clutch. Are you walking down the aisle with it? Otherwise you are going to stash it on your table while you dance and never hold it.... missrae on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/2#post-53304 Fri, 23 May 2008 07:47:36 +0000 missrae 53304@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ wait, so there are only two attendants total..? and 50 people? and her family lives there? why can't she offer you a room to stay in at a family member's house? This seems weird to me with a wedding this small that you would stay in a hotel. unless you are uncomfortable staying at aunt suzy's house or whatever.  and i totally don't get this matchy-matchy clutch thing with two attendants and such a small wedding.  jma19 on "Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin'd" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bridesmaid-finanical-issues-contind/page/2#post-53214 Thu, 22 May 2008 21:56:38 +0000 jma19 53214@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I don't think you really need to go the Nordstrom's route for shoes. I googled "Dyeable shoes" and came up with a ton of options: <a href="http://www.qualitybridalshoes.com/sandals.html " rel="nofollow">http://www.qualitybridalshoes.com/sandals.html </a> <a href="http://payless.resultspage.com/search?p=Q&srid=S2-3&ts=custom&lbc=payless&uid=513784222&w=Womens+Dyeable&cm_mmc=Google-_-Womens%20Dyeable-_-N%2fA-_-dyeable%20shoes" rel="nofollow">http://payless.resultspage.com/search?p=Q&srid=S2-3&ts=custom&lbc=payless&uid=513784222&w=Womens+Dyeable&cm_mmc=Google-_-Womens%20Dyeable-_-N%2fA-_-dyeable%20shoes</a> Or try going to a bridal store. They have tons of shoes that they send out to dye. Or look for ivory or white shoes. What is this chick going to do, inspect everything? If it's a long dress like you said, just get white or off white or whatever shoes, don't say anything to her about it, and just wear the stupid things. If she freaks out the day of her wedding about the color of your shoes that no one is going to see, girl has issues.