Weddingbee Boards Topic: Broke Maids

Weddingbee Boards Topic: Broke Maids http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Weddingbee Boards Topic: Broke Maids en Tue, 02 Dec 2008 00:17:44 +0000 doctorgirl on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids/page/2#post-65385 Sun, 06 Jul 2008 17:27:48 +0000 doctorgirl 65385@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I was recently in a situation like this.  The bride was much more wealthy than me, so when it came to the weekend retreat in Carmel, CA in a luxury house, with a spa day and a 5 star restaurant to follow, along with a night of clubbing the cost of the bachelorette weekend alone was going to run me >$600! I was not MOH, so I compromised to spend the day with the girls, paid for part of the bride's spa day and some of the food.  I didn't stay overnight or go to the fancy dinner or the clubbing to save some cash. My friend was so understanding that I couldn't afford all of this on my resident's salary and that I had the additional burden of traveling 750 miles to get to her.  I tried to make up for it by getting her great shower, bachelorette and wedding gifts. The hardest part for me is that the MOH was the person I had to mostly communicate with about this stuff, and she just did not understand where I was coming from.  The important thing, though, is that my friend *did* understand, and that was all that mattered to me. HappiestOne on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids/page/2#post-65367 Sun, 06 Jul 2008 14:29:07 +0000 HappiestOne 65367@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Tallbride - I think you've got enough comments to figure out a solution - I wanted to toss my 2 cents in. Not directed at you, but at any bride.  I've been on the flip side of this as well and it ruined a friendship I'd had with the bride. First there was an engagement party expected gift (which I'd never heard of in the Midwest), then there was paying for a "handmade"  bridesmaid dress, travel to the wedding, shower gift, bachelorette gift and wedding gift. Somewhere in the process and poor communication, I got fired from being a BM. When I couldn't afford the trip to the wedding and my own lodging and rental car, things fell apart.  I think that if "your dream" includes having these girls as your bridesmaids, then one needs to make concessions to make things as reasonable as possible, especially if this is their first time being a bridesmaid. I think it's important to remember that these girls could just be attending your wedding, not having a "duty" during the evening and hanging out as long as they'd like, but as a bridesmaid they're essentially paying to be a part of the party, having to help with the event, and having to be there for each moment/party/shower. It is an honor to be asked to be someone's bridesmaid, but that doesn't mean it isn't expensive, a time commitment, or a lot of work too.  Sweeney2Be on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids/page/2#post-65335 Sun, 06 Jul 2008 09:41:22 +0000 Sweeney2Be 65335@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ For me, all my maids had previously been maids before and knew what it entailed. This made it easier for me to say "Look, you knew what you were getting into and the general cost of things." ANd I did have one maid who'd been in 7 weddings and was acting like I should pick everything up for her because she suddenly couldn't afford it. I would explain to them you're feeling bad about it, tell them what you told us about taking them and their wallets into consideration while planning - but don't change anything for your day because of this. I'm sure if there was a killer concert they had been dying to see for years came to town and tickets were only on sale for 1 day they would find $300 to go in a hearbeat. Don't sacrifice your dream to help them, if you're already being reasonable, then talking to them to make sure there's no hard feelings is all you can do. Making sure to say "I'm sorry I should have told you more what this BM thing entailed" maybe if they know you're choosing items on the lower end of the cost lladder they will feel better. If they know so little about being a BM...that could really help :=)  dreambml on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids/page/2#post-65242 Sat, 05 Jul 2008 10:12:26 +0000 dreambml 65242@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ There are a lot of other things that go into being in someone's wedding, as Angee524 said.  The other thing is the shower.  Usually the bridal party pays for that, and it is expensive.  But even hotel rooms, travel, hair, nails, makeup, gifts on top of everything, its a lot more than just being a guest.  A lot of times brides just assume its just the dress.  The average cost for a bridesmaid is upwards of $1000.  That really is a lot of money, when you just want to be a part of someone's wedding day.  The only thing I required from my bm's was the dress.  I paid for their hair & makeup if they wanted it done, I wouldn't let them throw a bachelorette party, we just went out for dinner and drinks, and my mom helped with the shower.  ANything else was their choice.  And even the dress I tried for 8 months to find the cheapest dresses I could find - apparently I have picky bridesmaids - they wouldn't wear any of them, so they picked watters.  I had two bigger girls, and you really can't find regular dresses at the mall for girls over size 14, so it had to be bridesmaid dresses.  Anyway, while you might be thinking "the only thing they have to get is the dress", there are a lot more things involved. KateMW on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-65235 Sat, 05 Jul 2008 09:10:59 +0000 KateMW 65235@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I agree with the others that Vegas is too much. Who's idea was Vegas to begin with? I've always been under the impression that it's the maids job to come up with a plan and then invite the bride. Maybe you should let them plan something they can all afford and you can go visit your MOH on your own. angee524 on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-65233 Sat, 05 Jul 2008 08:16:31 +0000 angee524 65233@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I had two of my BMs drop out recently, one due to work commitments and one due to money issues. The BM with the money issue lives about 5 hours away and was in between jobs recently and had to make a sudden move to another city. She called and said she didn't think she'd be able to afford it because of her having to move. The only thing that I had my BMs get is the dress, which they picked their own and ran somewhere between 60 and 80 dollars. I told them they could pick their own shoes or get some dyeables if they couldn't find anything else. We are doing our own hair and makeup. I bought them all a bracelet to wear but otherwise they could use their own makeup. When she said it would cost her about 300 to 400 dollars for her to be a bridesmaid I was kind of shocked because it didn't even cost me that much for my two wedding dresses, lol. She had factored in hotel, gas, dress, accessories and weekend lodging for her two dogs. I told her that her and the dogs could stay at my house to help with costs. I even offered to help out with the dress cost if it came down to it. After about a week she called back and requested to not be in the wedding. She felt bad but I told her it was fine. I asked if she would like to be one of my readers but she declined just in case she couldn't make it. I felt I did what I could to help out because I would've really liked her in the wedding but it is totally understandable. I wouldn't have said anything to the other BM's because I know she was embarrassed enough as it is. I would just try to do what you can to help out your BM and try to comproimse with her if you can. But in the end, if she can't make it, it really doesn't matter cause you're still getting married with or without a wedding party. Brookem on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-65053 Fri, 04 Jul 2008 01:59:13 +0000 Brookem 65053@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Hhhhmmmm.  I am getting married in a few weeks and naturally chose my sisters and one friend to stand by my side.  I have been paying for things that I feel are necessary and my sister, the MOH, has been doing the rest.  I can't say that I understand as a bride but I have time and time again been in situations where I felt that the bride was asking too much.  As the MOH there is a certain financial obligation but I don't think that should be the focus.  Keeping you stress free, running last minute errands and emailing you crafty DIY ideas that they came accross is the real name of the game (to me).  It is truly unfortunate that you are bummed out.  You shouldn't be :(  But I do think that Vegas is asking too much.  Sure, it may be $300 for hotel, drinks, etc.  But that does not include the time off work that they will most like have to take. If I were the BM and strapped for cash I most likely wouldn't go to Vegas.  The dress is a given and you are being generous with the hair, jewelry, etc.  Good Luck! TallBride on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-65017 Thu, 03 Jul 2008 21:33:54 +0000 TallBride 65017@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Pancy,  I think its ok but I wouldn't tell the other maids, it may save you some drama. Its also embarrassing for the BM who can't afford it. TallBride on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-65016 Thu, 03 Jul 2008 21:32:19 +0000 TallBride 65016@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Well the Matron of honor lives there and my MOH's family owns a house there. we live in LA so its a 5 hour drive. I really did have my heart set on Vegas (so did they) and still do. I'm pretty sure we can do it on the cheap so I'm suggesting to them to push it back a month or so to get our feet on the ground.  Thanks for all of your advice. I'm getting together with my MOH to brainstorm on what to do.   pancy on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-64940 Thu, 03 Jul 2008 17:03:57 +0000 pancy 64940@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I think vegas is a bit much as well. perhaps you can have a b-party that is local and then just a trip to vegas for people who want to come.  A question I would like to add to this board is - if one of your BMs is recently out of a job, is it fair to help her with additional expenses that you aren't helping the other bms with? rzblna on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-64935 Thu, 03 Jul 2008 16:54:59 +0000 rzblna 64935@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ The cost of being a BM is really just the dress, so it sounds like they will all be OK.  If your heart is set on Vegas, they don't HAVE to go to the bachelorette party.  If you'd rather they be at the party, you can do it in LA, have a sleepover and go out clubbing-- it'll be just as fun!   dreambml on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-64928 Thu, 03 Jul 2008 16:37:20 +0000 dreambml 64928@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ yeah, vegas might be too much.  who's idea was it?  if they can't afford everything, you have to start by cutting anything unnecessary, and going to vegas sounds like the only one you can cut. tanya2s on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-64894 Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:15:16 +0000 tanya2s 64894@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I think you're within your rights to ask that they buy the dress, especially since $150 isn't all that much. But Vegas might be a bit over the top. Especially if they wouldn't have chosen to go to Vegas on a vacation on their own. Do you have your heart set on Vegas, or is it more important to celebrate with friends? Because you may have to choose between the two. pinkparfait on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-64886 Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:55:33 +0000 pinkparfait 64886@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ TallBride -  I think things will be okay.  I know it's a little bit of a downer but I think everyone's goal is to make the best of it.  Maybe if there's some time between now and the b-party...it will give them some time to save. The cost of being a bm has definitely increased dramatically over the past few years and those that are a bm for the first time might not realize this.   If Vegas is a little much - maybe there's an alternative place that may be a little cheaper? MissyJenn on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-64635 Wed, 02 Jul 2008 22:51:02 +0000 MissyJenn 64635@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I just want to say one more thing....while the invitation to be a bm or a MOH and accepting it are rather happy moments...no one, at least,I didn't  initially think about how much this is all going to cost. After my bff asked me, the first thing I didn't think of was, so how much is this going to cost me and are you going to help? My first reaction was YES, of course i'll be your bridesmaid! Sooooo....if I had learned anything from my experience, when I get engaged and ask my bffs to be my MOH and bms, I will definitely bring up the money subject within moments of asking...b/c if you let it slide and bring it up later and later, and they discover how much they "have" to fork over for your happiness, it might create resentment and that's never good. TallBride on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-64633 Wed, 02 Jul 2008 22:41:18 +0000 TallBride 64633@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ They didn't give any specifics but I think they want me to cut something... the thing is the only things I have asked of them is to get the dress ( bill levkoff, any style in a certian color, they go for about 150) and to come to the bacholerette party, which will be in vegas... (we think it will end up being about 300 per person for hotel, drinks, food transportation etc)  They both mentioned the dress is pricey but I took them to davids bridal and they thought they looked too "cheap". I also sent them several websites to order them cheaper and keep an eye on ebay for anything.  I'm paying for their hair, they can get make up done professionally if they want to pay for it.  they can wear whatever shoes, jewery, etc they want. Basically, I just feel bummed out for them, as a friend. I know they want to do more but can't.   MissyJenn on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-64631 Wed, 02 Jul 2008 22:35:55 +0000 MissyJenn 64631@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ This all sounds very familiar (I'm going to be the single bm at my best friend's wedding)..but rather than re-hash my complaints to the hive again....turns out I found ways to cut costs. The dress-netbride.com, which saves $$$ by a lot!; the shoes (cream ones, remember?)-Marshall's $3.00!!! (i kid you not and they are nice evening sandal heels too! (I couldn't believe the price either..) and the cream purse?-turns out my mom has one-not exactly evening but this is a one-night event so it should be ok.  And the hotel costs?-well, my firm has a travel company within it that makes all busines reservations so I called today and they saved me $15 with the corporate rate. (but I'm sure if you called around to different travel agencies or if you asked about the AAA rate-it can help)WOO-HOO......I am truly excited now to be a bridesmaid, now that I've found ways to cut costs. I'm still gitty over the shoes! ;-) pinkparfait on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-64608 Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:57:17 +0000 pinkparfait 64608@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I was also on the flip side as well.  Actually, I've been there several times.  I've been moh twice and a bm twice and all times, I tried extra hard to make things work and not stress out the bride so much.  Communication is key but also compromise. I got together with the other bms to plan a great shower and b-party to plan something budget but not cheap.  It all came together beautifully, we all tried to use different sources to cut costs and no one ever knew! It was really helpful that I relayed my situation with the rest of the bms too, they tried their best to meet me half way and were more than understanding. As for the dress costs and such - let ur bms help you find a great dress for them that isn't too costly. There are great alternatives out there that won't cost an arm and a leg.  I agree on having them pick out their own accessories and shoes as well as do their own makeup and hair. hope things turn out well, I know it will! caliocteach on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-64602 Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:31:36 +0000 caliocteach 64602@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Also, I am giving my bm's their jewelry and purse for the wedding.  Sometimes the little things add up. cammie on "Broke Maids" http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/broke-maids#post-64592 Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:41:11 +0000 cammie 64592@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ I have actually been on the flip side of that situation.  Last year I was MOH in a wedding and money was really tight for me.  I knew it would be expensive, but I definitely underestimated it a bit (my friend was the first in our group to get married!).  What my friend let us all do which was really helpful was to let us pick out our own shoes, jewelery, etc.  It saved a lot, since all three of us already had shoes that ended up looking perfect together.  You could even let them get their own dresses in a certain color or range of colors.  Get color swatches from Home Depot so they know what to look for and let them spend what they feel is appropriate.  The plus is that each maid gets to show off some of her own style! Also, there are plenty of B-party options that are pocket-book friendly...you can do a girls-only sleepover party or home spa party. If worst comes to worst and they can't make it to the party, whats really important is that they are by your side on your big day!