http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Weddingbee Boards Topic: Chinese Tradition- Bride's parents keep the cash?! en Tue, 14 Feb 2012 12:08:20 +0000 http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/chinese-tradition-brides-parents-keep-the-cash#post-1490343 Thu, 02 Dec 2010 21:02:33 +0000 amichoo 1490343@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p><a href="#post-1486272">@tobin:</a></p> <p>You're totally right. Last night she kept saying 'face' this 'face' that, which still doesn't explain why the heck she's keeping the money. She says they're our guests and it's for raising you. I'm like so selling a daughter, no it's not like that, we're not trying to sell our daughter - this is to my fiance.</p> <p>What I don't get is why they want to keep the money when they should be helping us, they'll be making money off the wedding reception in Malaysia anyway! HOW GREEDY CAN A PERSON BE?</p> <p>Anyways my fiance's parents are annoyed, and they think she's lost the plot.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I don't get why Chinese people are like this, the bride and groom are 100% puppets.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/chinese-tradition-brides-parents-keep-the-cash#post-1486272 Wed, 01 Dec 2010 23:12:26 +0000 tobin 1486272@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p><a href="#post-1486233">@amichoo:</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;</p> <p>My dude is chinese, and trust me, it's all about how it looks. 100%. &nbsp;(money is a big part of how things look).</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>It's either of these things:</p> <ol> <li>the money</li> <li>the kudos/show off aspect. &nbsp;</li> </ol> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/chinese-tradition-brides-parents-keep-the-cash#post-1486270 Wed, 01 Dec 2010 23:10:46 +0000 tobin 1486270@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>Sounds to me like they pick and choose their traditions. &nbsp;as in NOT paying for the wedding and still taking the gifts.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/chinese-tradition-brides-parents-keep-the-cash#post-1486233 Wed, 01 Dec 2010 22:33:02 +0000 amichoo 1486233@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>Hi,</p> <p>Our wedding is more than a year a way and we've hit a mssive brick wall. This whole bs tradition. No offence to anyone who loves it. I think it's a load of bullcrap because they have to phone so many relatives up to find out what to do, it's not tradition if you don't know it!</p> <p>My partner is Vietnamese and I'm chinese. They're well off and my parents are frankly really really poor at managing money, so this whole "oh they have to give us x amounf of money, they should be paying for the wedding, we're keeping our guests money" is a load of bull crap.</p> <p>We're paying for the wedding ourselves, and my partners parents said they we keep the money to help start our new lives together. My parents KNOW we're paying for the wedding yet they want the money from the reception. They also want to hold a massive reception in Malaysia and expect us to pay for it. I said I'm not paying one cent, they can pay for everything and they can keep all the ringgit. You know what my step dad said to me? "Are you stupid or something, you could make so much money in M'sia, do you know how much your grandparents will be giving you?"</p> <p>So someone please tell me it's not about the money, and that my parents aren't freaking leeches.</p> <p>By the way, they're not paying for anything apart from the reception THEY want to hold os, if it were my choice I wouldn't even turn up.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/chinese-tradition-brides-parents-keep-the-cash#post-1237994 Thu, 02 Sep 2010 06:35:39 +0000 angrybunni 1237994@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>Well, despite all of my ranting, I have to say that we finally did it! I didn't realize how much work and care and time my parents and families put into making the dinner as nice as it was. Though I had complaints, I say it was all worth it. It meant a lot to me and my family to have had it at my parents' restaurant. Good luck to you other girls! At least you know what the tradition is!</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/chinese-tradition-brides-parents-keep-the-cash#post-722232 Wed, 17 Feb 2010 17:42:04 +0000 lace 722232@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>I echo Mrs. Ramen's comment. I've heard of giving money to parents who paid for the wedding, but definitely not straight up pocketing the money. &nbsp;I know Chinese parents generally want to know how much guests (their friends generally) gave. &nbsp;</p> <p>If you are handling your own wedding financially, it doesn't make much sense for the parents to be pocketing the cash.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/chinese-tradition-brides-parents-keep-the-cash#post-665807 Sat, 30 Jan 2010 11:04:52 +0000 ramen 665807@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>While Mr. R's parents paid for our wedding reception (in Chinese tradition), they didn't ask us for the $$$ - which I haven't heard about before; although I do know some Asian girl friends who ended up giving all the cash from their weddings to their parents to "re-pay" them; our parents wanted us to have the $$ from our wedding bc we're poor kids. BUT, Mr. R's parents did want to know exact AMOUNTS from their guests so they would know how much to give when those peoples' kids' get married. So it kinda makes sense. And it totally DOES sound like a Chinese thing to do, however much it sucks.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/chinese-tradition-brides-parents-keep-the-cash#post-664749 Fri, 29 Jan 2010 20:11:51 +0000 mrsbear 664749@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>I think @smithme makes some really excellent points here, and I tend to agree with her on most of them (understanding why your mother would want a traditional chinese second reception, etc).</p> <p>So here's what I understand of the tradition, based on the discussions I had with my mother when the option of a second reception "Chinese style" was a possibility for our wedding festivities. Traditionally, a chinese banquet involves inviting EVERYBODY - and most of the guests are parents friends/friend's kids/coworkers/distant relatives, because it is offensive to not extend this number of invites. Thus, the majority of these guests weren't the married couple's friends. Further, the gifts were given to the parents, who hosted the reception, in a tradition of "reciprocal giving." For example, my father's coworker comes to our wedding and gives $X amount. A few years down the road, when my father is invited to the coworker's child's wedding, he will give a comparable amount. Sounds odd, and is somewhat offensive to Western sensibilites I would imagine, but this reciprocal giving is part of the motivation behind this practice.</p> <p>So I guess what I would want to know is - who is invited to this Chinese wedding banquet? Is it a separate or larger guest list that includes a larger circle of your parent's acquaintances? If it is, then just let them do their thing. HOWEVER, since YOU are footing the bill for the actual reception/wedding, then I think it would be graceful of your mother to take what she needs to foot the cost of the Chinese banquet, and give the rest to you guys. This might be an appropriate compromise. Personally, when my (Caucasian-American) husband and I ran into this dilemma, we decided that we would let my parents keep the gifts, no matter what the amount, as a subtle and minute way of showing gratitude for what they've done and sacrificed to raise me.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/chinese-tradition-brides-parents-keep-the-cash#post-664421 Fri, 29 Jan 2010 18:25:07 +0000 MightySapphire 664421@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>It is possible that your mother's friends are pressuring her into having that reception.&nbsp; Maybe your relatives are asking her when it will be, forcing her to pony up to do it.&nbsp; When you think about it from her perspective, it sucks that she's expected to host a party she can't afford, so hopefully people bring enough money to cover the bill!</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/chinese-tradition-brides-parents-keep-the-cash#post-664335 Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:46:58 +0000 dessertgirl 664335@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>I had to respond because I just had a conversation with my mom about this last weekend! My caucasian fiance and I paying for our own wedding in the US, and my parents are hosting a reception in Hong Kong. My mom explained that yes, since she and my dad are paying for the reception, they will be keeping any of the cash given to them. And as my mom explained it,&nbsp; my relatives clearly intend for the money to go to them, not to us!</p> <p>It is kind of a bummer, because if my relatives could make it to the US wedding, then obviously we might get real gifts, or any money they gave us, we could keep. But if there's a reception in HK, clearly very few of them are going to shell out the money to fly over here when they can just wait a few months for the HK event.</p> <p>But, I remind myself that we *are* getting a second wedding reception in HK paid for by my parents, so I can't complain. And my mom said that if I had paid for the HK reception, then all the money would go to me (haha, I don't have the money to pay for that!)</p> <p>I know it seems unfair, but maybe this tradition will disappear within our generation. I know my parents have given *tons* of money to other friends at their children's weddings, so I guess it's time they got some back. It seems like a game of pass-around-the-money among my parents' generation.</p> <p>I guess the most unfortunate thing was that your mom didn't tell you about the second dinner until late, and then it bloomed into a full on reception. I would be annoyed. But maybe your mom is doing to "keep face" among family and friends - I know my parents are making the HK reception way nicer than I feel is necessary, so they won't be embarrassed in front of their friends. In a strange way while I feel weddings in the US have become all about the couple, especially since most couples plan and pay for it themselves, in other parts of the world it's still about the family and parents - the bride and groom are sort of just there as decorations:)</p> <p>I hope your wedding went well! At least you weren't like my sister - she found out about this tradition at her wedding reception! Ouch!</p>