http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Weddingbee Boards Topic: Controlling Finances - Can't Come to a Resolution (Long) en Tue, 14 Feb 2012 12:26:16 +0000 http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/controlling-finances-cant-come-to-a-resolution-long#post-2087210 Wed, 27 Apr 2011 18:29:47 +0000 ham2905 2087210@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p><a href="#post-455538">@CellarDoor:</a>&nbsp;</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/controlling-finances-cant-come-to-a-resolution-long#post-583922 Sat, 02 Jan 2010 22:06:45 +0000 studentbride 583922@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>Im so glad that yall worked everything out! Have yall started counseling yet? im a bit late to this thread...</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/controlling-finances-cant-come-to-a-resolution-long#post-468491 Fri, 13 Nov 2009 10:39:40 +0000 Carebear0613 468491@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>Glad you guys are working it out. Remember all relationships are about give and take. Sometimes you have to just put self aside and decide what is best for US. When&nbsp;you get married its no longer the independt thinking that will get you out of your messes its the we are "Team Cellardoor"&nbsp; and 2 heads are better than one. I wish you all the best in your counseling!</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/controlling-finances-cant-come-to-a-resolution-long#post-457730 Mon, 09 Nov 2009 11:09:21 +0000 Mrs. Dee to Bee 457730@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>That's wonderful. I am so happy for you! I feel a lot of hope just entered the picture. (:&nbsp;</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/controlling-finances-cant-come-to-a-resolution-long#post-457633 Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:27:51 +0000 Br1tSh1n1ngStar 457633@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>I just found this post and its so good to hear your update, and that you learned the value of a good argument. I'm so glad you guys are working it out. That's so great. May the rest of your marriage be blessed and happy!</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/controlling-finances-cant-come-to-a-resolution-long#post-457143 Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:35:55 +0000 mskalinin 457143@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>I'm glad you two were able to come through it, and I hope you find a solution that works for both of you! Good luck!</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/controlling-finances-cant-come-to-a-resolution-long#post-457093 Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:43:49 +0000 mountain.bride 457093@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>Good luck with this - I must say that we have joint and separate accounts and I have relied on my FH previously (funnily enough when we were living abroad!)&nbsp;but he never demanded to see my day to day spending. I don't think I'd be comfortable with it either. There's something very parent/child about it to me. It sounds like you will be able to move on and create some good out of a tough situation, so I wish you all the best!!</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/controlling-finances-cant-come-to-a-resolution-long#post-457079 Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:16:47 +0000 slicey19 457079@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>CellarDoor, Hang in there. I totally know how you feel. I too moved to his country with some student loan debt (more than yours) and no friends. I was adiment about keeping our finances seperate and paying off my debt. It's been three years and we have finally merged some of our accounts (for paying bills and savings). We plan to merge the rest after we get married but it'S hard to give up financial independence. Since I have been living of an academic&nbsp;stipend for the past year in an apartment we rented when I had a real job, expenses have been hard for me but I still maintained paying my half and when we looked for a new apartment, one of the key factors was that it is more affordable for me and he was okay with that. We had those blow out fights along the way but it has since gotten better, it just takes time. I keep a bank account open in the US with my savings and will most likely, always have that but we have also started a long term savings account together.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/controlling-finances-cant-come-to-a-resolution-long#post-457077 Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:02:21 +0000 cheerful 457077@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>It's really hard making all of those changes at once. Counseling sounds like a really good idea for both of you since you have different expectations of marriage and how it will work. Good luck! Keep the communication doors open: one of the things my husband and I work on is making sure we talk before it gets to those bad points in a fight. We found that we only really communicated after we'd fought so much that we'd exhausted all of our defensive resources. It's a really hard way to talk honestly!</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/controlling-finances-cant-come-to-a-resolution-long#post-457073 Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:56:06 +0000 CellarDoor 457073@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>Well, it seems that there's nothing like a major fight to work out old problems and clear the air. I probably sounded pretty desperate in my last post, and I was. We've never fought like that before.</p> <p>But. We didn't see each other all day Sunday, and we had a gig we were going to see that night. I was worried it was going to be awkward, or that one of us would want to skip it. We both got ready for it without saying a word to the other person - but as soon as we walked out the front door we both broke down and told the other person we could do things their way. The fight had gotten so out of control that it wasn't even about money anymore, and now the topic isn't emotionally charged anymore, meaning that we can discuss it calmly. I don't think either of us cares that much what agreement we come to at this point.</p> <p>I have to say, though: this has been so, so stressful. While I've been lucky to make friends pretty quickly here, I still feel uprooted from my old community in Portland. It's hard living in a new country with no family or support system other than my husband, compounded by the fact that I don't yet have a good job and depend on him for almost everything! It's really tough. The bank account was my only "me" thing (if that makes sense), but I'm just going to let it go - it was just a symbol of something I needed. Ideally, I can find better ways to satisfy that need for independence.</p> <p>Anyway, thanks to everyone for their help and concern! We've both suggested going to counseling, especially now that it's obvious we had firm ideas about how marriage would operate (and those ideas are apparently not all in harmony with each other!). And to be honest, I'm a bit glad we had the fight. While it was messy, it opened doors for communicating about much more than finances, and I think we've come out of it with a clearer picture of who the other person is, what they need, and how to work with that.</p> <p>Thanks again.</p>