http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Weddingbee Boards Topic: I want a small wedding but my fiance has a HUGE family en Sat, 07 Nov 2009 22:54:51 +0000 http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-want-a-small-wedding-but-my-fiance-has-a-huge-family#post-147339 Tue, 10 Mar 2009 22:01:38 +0000 bellenga 147339@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>I agree with having a &quot;family party&quot; and you could even incenuate or make it seem more exclusive than the other party with only the family included.&nbsp; You could even have your minister do a vow renewal at the party and have everybody in the family bring&nbsp;&nbsp;with them a written story about the most cherished memory from THEIR wedding.</p> <p>I knew a girl who did this also because of budget.&nbsp; It was simply a matter of reframing the event and making them feel very special too.</p> <p>Maybe because I've lived through having one huge wedding where everybody and even my second cousins were invited and realizing I didn't have to do that at all.&nbsp; If they don't wish you Merry Christmas when you see them in person during the holidays or speak to you, why invite them to your special day?</p> <p>I say a family party complete with cocktails, appetizers, and a vow renewal is perfect for them.&nbsp; And why not have a destination wedding?&nbsp; You could even do a honeymoon recap with a slideshow and music!&nbsp; Again, wish you the best Anniebear, and remember sometimes its all about reframing the situation at hand to diffuse family time bomb issues.</p> <p>I too am having an intimate yet elegant celebration, and not inviting everybody this time.&nbsp; I learned my lession.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-want-a-small-wedding-but-my-fiance-has-a-huge-family#post-147307 Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:13:27 +0000 bumblebeeme 147307@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>Well I'd like to vent my woes here.&nbsp;First I wanted a destination wedding, but no, because some of his family members could not afford it.&nbsp; Then I wanted a small wedding, my general preference overall, but FH has a pretty big family, with&nbsp;four pairs of cousins (luckily no kids) local and another three pairs that are coming from out of the country.&nbsp; His family is nice, so I don't mind.&nbsp; But then, he thought he was gonna invite&nbsp;25 (!) ppl from his work&nbsp; - meaning coworkers with their spouses.&nbsp; I nearly blew a fuse so now it's the coworkers sans their spouses. On top of that his family has this weird thing that you have to invite certain people because you're expected to.&nbsp; He buys into it too!&nbsp; I hate to say it but he's almost worse than a bridzeilla.&nbsp; The wedding has&nbsp;grown to 150 ppl.&nbsp; I can produce&nbsp;enough people to have&nbsp;about&nbsp;50 there.&nbsp;His parents are contributing enough to cover about 40 people, so it's not tragic....but the basic premise of inviting only the people you really want is lost on him.&nbsp; He believes that inviting due to formality and to keeping peace is a better solution in the end....mostly because all of his cousins' weddings were similar..so peer pressure is on.</p> <p>He's a good guy, but he's into pleasing everybody, which I find is quite impossible.</p> <p>It's comforting to know &nbsp;that there are others with this similar problem. I thought I was on my own.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-want-a-small-wedding-but-my-fiance-has-a-huge-family#post-93100 Sat, 08 Nov 2008 02:59:08 +0000 anniebear 93100@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Janna19 - I completely understand and see where you're coming from. Most especially because my FH's family is very close-knit. They are all going to whine about the fact that I'm playing favorites, and I reallly hate to do it but I don't know how else I can stick to my budget and my vision for having a small wedding of 50-70 guests.</p> <p>The most disconcerting thing is that I routinely see these people. They are very close with each other, they have family gatherings almost every week (baptism, graduation, birthday, housewarming, etc.) There is always an excuse for them to get together. So it's not like they're distant relatives that my FH and I hardly see.</p> <p>After eight years of attending these functions and getting the cold shoulder each time, I have minimized my attendance. I honestlly am not close to the majority, but there are a few whom I like and respect. It is a most difficult task to decide about the invitation process: invite all, invite none, invite some.&nbsp; </p> <p>I see your point about the future heartache that I may realistically have to face, especially since these people have very little class and tend to hold grudges (even amongst themselves.)</p> <p>I just know a few things for certain, I do not want a grand affair, I do not want to downgrade my reception the way my FMIL suggests, and I do not want my family to be outnumbered by my FH's family especially since they don't like me and vice versa.</p> <p>So... I really don't know at this point what we'll do with his family. I have found a venue that only accomodates 80 people max. We told my FMIL about it and asked her to come along with us to check it out. She has been stalling and avoiding us. I think she's planning her own little scheme to get her way.</p> <p>I guess I have to just keep searching for ideas to deal with this family situation. Back to square one :( </p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-want-a-small-wedding-but-my-fiance-has-a-huge-family#post-93052 Fri, 07 Nov 2008 17:17:55 +0000 Rolin 93052@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>The best advice I recieved in this process is as follows: This is your day, you do what you want, no excuses, no explanations.</p> <p>You will be pulled in soo many directions, by soo many people opinions.&nbsp; The only opinions that really matters is yours and you FI.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-want-a-small-wedding-but-my-fiance-has-a-huge-family#post-93037 Fri, 07 Nov 2008 16:24:38 +0000 Janna19 93037@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>I disagree with this whole its all about YOU stuff.&nbsp; I personally believe that weddings are about bringing two families, two worlds together.&nbsp; If it was really just about YOU, why not just elope? Why worry about the food your guests eat?&nbsp; If you selectively invite a few relatives from a big group that you routinely see, you are going to start your married life with that hanging over your head.&nbsp; The only way I see to not invite the extended family is to invite none of them - otherwise the &quot;we are having a small wedding&quot; doesn't fly and it becomes painfully&nbsp; obvious that you are playing favorites.&nbsp; Now maybe there is a good reason, but do you really want to stoop to their level by only sending invites to those you like?&nbsp; I think it would be different there was a big family and a bunch of people you didn't even know - then you could invite the ones you guys spent time with.&nbsp; But in this situation, I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of future heartache.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-want-a-small-wedding-but-my-fiance-has-a-huge-family#post-93032 Fri, 07 Nov 2008 16:18:07 +0000 chyyfire 93032@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>You can invite the ones you want to, it's their choice whether or not to attend your wedding. For those who you don't invite, since they are already not talking to you, what more harm can it be for not inviting them? they won't talk to you ever? I say that would be a good thing. I'm not sure how your personality is, these are just my point of views. Regardless though, on your wedding day, you want to feel relaxed and happy, and surrounded by the people YOU love and care, and vice versa. </p> <p>&nbsp;</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-want-a-small-wedding-but-my-fiance-has-a-huge-family#post-93031 Fri, 07 Nov 2008 16:06:10 +0000 voszko 93031@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p> <p>There are some wonderful ideas here.&nbsp; We were in a similar situation and I am the one with the big family so we made rules.&nbsp; </p> <p>1) We have to know everyone.&nbsp; Translation: if we would run into the person the street would we stop and chat and would it be one of the highlights of our day? This eliminated several relatives that we see only in passing once or twice a year.&nbsp; There were only about 8 guests that both of us did not know personally that made the invitation list</p> <p>2) No add-on guests.&nbsp; Every significant other had to fall into one of the following relationship categories to be invited: Married, engaged, or living together. <span>&nbsp;</span></p> <p>3) No co-workers.&nbsp; Wedding are for family and friends.&nbsp; One exception was made for a situation where I work with a friend of my groom.&nbsp; As long as you apply this across the board to your magic category (i.e. cousins, second cousins, and children -whatever) it seems to work.&nbsp; We also applied this to children and only invited one-the grooms only nephew and god child. </p> <p>Two other things that we did that inadvertently controlled our numbers were to get married out of town.&nbsp; It does not need to be far-just far enough that everyone has to be in a hotel. We provided a budget recommendation but the cost and travel were a real deterrent for some people.&nbsp; We also got married Friday night at 6 PM.&nbsp; People had to make a commitment to be at our wedding and not just attend because they had an open weekend.</p> <p>Many many questions were asked and we simply stated that our goal was to have a very intimate ceremony and that we did not want anyone to feel obligated to send a gift.&nbsp; We had to say no to parents several times and it worked because we paid for every penny of the wedding.&nbsp; We received the same pressure to invite with a promise of payment and we declined every time.</p> <p>It was a resounding success.&nbsp; Our plan was for 50 guests, because of family influences we invited approximately 120 and when the big day arrived we were delighted to celebrate with 55. </p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-want-a-small-wedding-but-my-fiance-has-a-huge-family#post-92989 Fri, 07 Nov 2008 13:45:10 +0000 anniebear 92989@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>What do you guys think of inviting some of my FH's relatives but not all? Do you think that would look bad on the etiquette scale??</p> <p>&nbsp;The thing is, most of my FH's relatives from his mother's side don't even talk to me. They don't know my birthday, they don't even say Merry Christmas to me when I visit their gatherings for Christmas. There is only a small few who are genuinely nice, and I plan to invite those few.</p> <p>&nbsp;I am scared though, that this would create some kind of boycotting from the family members who are invited. They tend to stick together, so I'm not sure what kind of reaction they will have to our decision of excluding some of them.</p> <p>Any opinions? Thanks ladies!!</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-want-a-small-wedding-but-my-fiance-has-a-huge-family#post-92967 Fri, 07 Nov 2008 11:49:09 +0000 chyyfire 92967@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>I too wanted a destination one, 2nd choice, small one, third choice none (spending so much money on 1 day, 6 hours...is so not worth it to me) but my fiance wanted a wedding, he wanted one cuz he knows his parents want one, argh, so i gave in, i didn't care, it's his wedding too, ok, i want a small one, 75 ppl max, but guess what that's like his family count, i gave up, i didn't care, booked a place I personally loved for 150 max, came home 2 days later, his mom wants to add another 20 of distant relatives (his father's father's brother's family) that they just HAVE TO HAVE TO (as i've been told), and boy was I pissed because it meant I have to change the rooms around and won't get exactly what I want. Fiance's says he won't invite his friends so his parents can invite those relatives...so i asked are u gonna be happy that ur friends are not gonna come? he's says well if it makes my parents happy, and btw...his parents are NOT paying a dime for this, we are paying it ourselves with MY parents helping out...long story short, I made the decision that if his parents wants to and just have to have to invite those extra distant (who we don't even know who they are) to the wedding, they have to tell me whether they are coming or now 6 months ahead of time, and their answer is final, and they have to commit or Im going to raise hell, and by offering them their invitations, I'm not going to do anything else they want me to do (ie. tea ceremony...they want to do, i don't, so that's that)</p> <p>My advice to you...which I should of done too, is stand your ground!!! I gave up a bit too easily cuz I just didn't want to deal with any of it, personally I wasn't so into the whole event to begin with. For me it was easier to not to care than stress about it. But I realize for some people, it is important, if YOU want something specific then stand firm on that, noone can tell you want to do, you just don't cater to anyone. </p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-want-a-small-wedding-but-my-fiance-has-a-huge-family#post-92961 Fri, 07 Nov 2008 11:31:48 +0000 sooner5899 92961@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>You have to remember that the day is about your and your future husband. My fiance and I made a rule about our wedding guests (since we are also having a small wedding)...in order to be invited to our wedding they had to have 1) contacted one of us on or around&nbsp;our birthday the year before to wish up a happy day (this showed they really cared about us and not&nbsp;just&nbsp;being invited to a &quot;party&quot;&nbsp;2) be someone that we knew very well and were elated that they could celebrate with us. </p> <p>&nbsp;Since we are paying for it ourselves, these &quot;rules&quot; allowed us to leave out friends of parents who were coming just to &quot;be at the party!&quot; If your FMIL would like to host a separate wedding reception, she can invite whoever she wants but you must remember this is your day and you should be able to devote more than 30 seconds with your guests. If this means you leave out people who you do not necessarily feel comfortable sharing your day with, so be it. This is the only day in your life where the two of you can make any decision you want. </p>