http://boards.weddingbee.com/ Weddingbee Boards Topic: Why is it ok for the groom's family to be left out? en Tue, 14 Feb 2012 12:11:35 +0000 http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/why-is-it-ok-for-the-grooms-family-to-be-left-out/page/4#post-464120 Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:33:04 +0000 ShellyT 464120@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>I think it's great your family wants to be involved.&nbsp; It says that you love your son, are supportive of the marriage, and want to do what you can to make things easier on them.&nbsp; I had the opposite experience and it was hard not to take it personally.&nbsp;</p> <p>It sounds like things are on the right track after your conversation and that you have an understanding FDIL who most likely was just doing the best she knew how to do.&nbsp; Maybe she was defaulting to "traditional" planning roles, maybe she has trouble asking for help from the future in-laws, or maybe she has more people offering to help or wanting to be involved than she knows what to do with this early in the game.&nbsp; I also think the perspective on weddings changes as you mature...in my 20s my dream wedding was all about the bride (not the groom, not the families)...when I actually got married in my 30s, it was more about family...I was just thankful to have both of my parents living to attend and everything else seemed unimportant in the grand scheme of things.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</p> <p>I will say something to keep in mind is that one of the&nbsp;biggest pressures I feel like many engaged couples feel is&nbsp;trying to make everyone else happy, particularly their families,&nbsp;instead of focusing on what they want.&nbsp; "If I do this, will his folks be offended"..."my mom wants this and I don't want to upset her".&nbsp; I think you've said your peace and the ball is in their court.&nbsp; If in the end they don't include your family&nbsp;as much as you would've liked, it's not about your family being less important.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I also wouldn't be too concerned about appearances...those who matter will know better.&nbsp;</p> <p>Sounds like you've handled things well so far.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Your involvement may come in different ways than you expected&nbsp;too (like being the go to guy for advice or emotional support from the couple) as the countdown to the wedding continues.&nbsp; Sometimes it's hard as a bride to come up with jobs for people...I'd try to make an effort to be proactive about being involved.&nbsp; Is this taken care of...can I do it for you?&nbsp; Good luck.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/why-is-it-ok-for-the-grooms-family-to-be-left-out/page/4#post-464072 Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:15:27 +0000 mowi322 464072@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>I'm glad it seems like you've worked through this first wedding-related hurdle, but with the wedding still so far away there may be more issues that arise. Just to give my perspective, it sounds like the bride just didn't know that being super involved is what you wanted. For her sake, I encourage you to think of specific things you and your ex want to help with. Having family and friends give me a general "Let me do something" plea was annoying and head-ache inducing. Having to think up a task that would be easy to hand-off and suitable towards people's strengths was exhausting and in the end I just declined help from those people. However, I was extremely relieved and grateful when people offered specific help (i.e. My friend said, 'Let me help make your flower arraignments.')&nbsp; If you'd like to be more involved in planning, you should start thinking of what exactly you'd feel comfortable planning/helping with. I bet your FDIL would be more than happy to oblige.</p> <p>Don't be too disappointed if you're not involved with more aspects of the planning, though. Like someone else said, many brides know what they want and find it easier to impose on their own family. Also, I'm a bit shocked about your attitude towards the rehearsal dinner. I think that can be a huge undertaking and a very important part of the wedding. Just because your main contribution isn't on the actual wedding day doesn't make it any less special.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/why-is-it-ok-for-the-grooms-family-to-be-left-out/page/4#post-463838 Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:52:27 +0000 coloradoguy49 463838@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>^ I have read through some of the posts and I do realize inlaws can be hurtful. My family worried a lot about hurting my son and his fiancee if we spoke up.&nbsp; I'm glad we were careful with how we approached the situation.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/why-is-it-ok-for-the-grooms-family-to-be-left-out/page/4#post-463786 Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:41:18 +0000 mrskesslertobe 463786@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>I hope things really do work out between you and your future daughter in law. I hope you read through some of the posts and you will see many brides hurt by their IL. Your situation is the exception in most cases. Not all families want to be involved in the planning process and there are many brides who have reached out to their IL, and gotten nothing in return. And like you said earlier she was probably unaware that you wanted to be involved since it wasn't mentioned to her until recently.</p> <p>At the end of the day the wedding really is about the bride and groom celebrating their love and commitment to each other, not who's family "is more improtant."You will be one big family after the wedding so hopefully things will improve between all of you and there will be no feelings of resentment.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/why-is-it-ok-for-the-grooms-family-to-be-left-out/page/4#post-463755 Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:32:25 +0000 coloradoguy49 463755@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>My ex and I also plan to do our best with the rehearsal dinner.&nbsp; A friend of my ex's does catering so we might look into her helping us with some stuff.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/why-is-it-ok-for-the-grooms-family-to-be-left-out/page/4#post-463747 Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:30:57 +0000 coloradoguy49 463747@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>I didn't want the bride to feel bad or anything and I hope she doesn't.&nbsp; I do hope others learn from these kinds of situations. I hope brides and their families do realize that sometimes a groom's family does long to be involved in the wedding and the planning.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/why-is-it-ok-for-the-grooms-family-to-be-left-out/page/4#post-463666 Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:04:10 +0000 wonderlanded 463666@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>@coloradoguy49, it may be that your son's fianc&eacute;e really didn't clock you wanted to be more involved. I honestly wouldn't have a clue if my FI's parents wanted to be more involved -- as far as I know they want zero involvement, because no one's told me otherwise, and I'm not pushing it as I know they have a lot else on their plates.</p> <p>I would be horrified if they thought I was cutting them out, but I can see where misunderstandings can happen because the other person is politely not saying anything. I'm also super close to my family so I'm having to be really careful not to make it all about them. I'm not sure my younger self (I'm 31) would have got that balance right.</p> <p>I don't know much about American traditions like showers, and what's usual there. But it sounds like you've taken a really important step in getting the issue out in the open.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/why-is-it-ok-for-the-grooms-family-to-be-left-out/page/4#post-463663 Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:03:35 +0000 Miss Sapphire 463663@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>As far as the showers:&nbsp; usually the brides side will throw one and invite the FMIL and his sisters, but not much of the rest of his side of the family.</p> <p>If his family wants to throw a shower then you invite her mom and all of the people on his side that are coming to the wedding.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Bach parties are tricky.&nbsp; I'm inviting my FSIL b/c she's my age and it's a nice thing to do since we're in town.&nbsp; If it was out of town, then no, she wouldn't be invited...only my close friends.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/why-is-it-ok-for-the-grooms-family-to-be-left-out/page/4#post-463650 Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:00:18 +0000 bvig 463650@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>For the bachelorette party and shower it also depends.&nbsp; Bachelorette parties are usually for peers (so no moms) but it also depends on the girl, sometimes moms and aunts and stuff come, but for the ones I've been to that is not the norm.&nbsp; Also they are often times (but not always) 21 and over if most of the brides friends are over 21.&nbsp; My female cousins were invited that were over 21 but it was too complicated to try and figure out what the other cousins would do in the evening when we went out to the bar. Sometimes people from the other family are included and sometimes they aren't.</p> <p>The shower is usually more inclusive with the grooms mom and his sisters usually being invited.&nbsp; It does depend a bit on who's hosting it, like if it's people from work throwing a shower, sometimes family isn't invited.&nbsp; And at least for my shower it was only female family on the grooms side that was invited but not like his moms friends and neighbors, but it was also out of state from all of them, so maybe if it was closer it would have been different.&nbsp;</p> <p>Sounds like overall the talk went well though I do have to agree a bit with what Inlaws said.</p> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/why-is-it-ok-for-the-grooms-family-to-be-left-out/page/4#post-463644 Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:58:45 +0000 coloradoguy49 463644@http://boards.weddingbee.com/ <p>@Inlaws</p> <p>I'm not really sure if my son's fiancee is upset but she does sound ok with us wanting to get more involved. I view the wedding as my son's day too. My son seems to be involved in the planning of the wedding and he does want us included too. I have also heard that old saying several times before and I don't really agree with it. I still remained a son to my parents even after I married my ex. I hope my son does the same and still respects me and my ex-wife the same way he did before he got married.</p>