Post # 1
Yep….you read it right. This is what my step-mother said to me a couple of months ago when I said how I was looking forward to taking her daughter (my step-sister) dress shopping.
She is an awful woman who cares only about herself and appearances. Her daughter, 15, is from a previous relationship and she and my Dad also have 6 year old together, who is my flowergirl.
My step sister is NOT fat. She is curvy – around a UK size 10-12 (12-14 US) – and beautiful looking. She is told on a daily basis that she needs to lose weight by her mother.
After she said this to me a couple of months ago I decided to just leave it and look for a dress nearer the time. But my Dad recently told me that his wife and daughters are going away for the entire summer from June-September, and after that they are moving abroad for a year. They will be back for a few weekends here and there and for my wedding in December, but they will not be in the UK much after this month.
So I decided we’d better get the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses sorted before they leave, and contacted my step sister to arrange a date to go shopping with me and my other Bridesmaid or Best Man. She is a really sweet girl and was so excited. She told me she couldn’t wait, but she needed to check the date with her Mum.
Well…that was a week ago and despite me asking if everything is okay, she hasn’t responded. This is totally out of character because she ALWAYS responds straight away to my messages and I just know that my step-mother has told her she can’t go because of her weight. I am fuming.
I think I’m going to speak to my Dad and see what he thinks I should do about this (he isn’t happy with his wife right now either, think he has figured out what we’ve all known for years already). What I really want is to call her up and tell her what I think of her. She isn’t fit to be a mother as far as I’m concerned. How can anyone be so shallow and critical of their own child?
Think I just wanted to vent really but if anyone does have advice or has been in a similar situation, please feel free to share!
Post # 3
Oh my gosh, my heart just sank when I read that. It’s perfectly horrible and especially to a young girl in her formative years when all of that kind of criticism is taken to heart. 🙁
I wish I had some kind of advice to offer but I’m at a loss here. I hope some other Bees come up with something constructive! I hope everything works out in the end…you sound like a wonderfully supportive step-sister and I’m glad to know she has you when push comes to shove!
Post # 4
What an awful woman. I really feel for people who are/were raised by mothers like that.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Oh, I wish I could give that poor girl a big hug. How awful.
And, I wish I could bitch slap your stepmother.
Can you just pick your stepsister up alone and take her shopping? Take her dress shopping now WITHOUT stepmother (because she will bash the poor girl), and have her measurements taken.
Is your stepsister planning on losing weight for myself, or is this evil stepmother’s plan for her? If SS is trying to lose weight, her measurements could be taken in a few months, and the dress ordered then. If this is just ESM’s plan, order the dress now.
And please do talk to your father. This is an eating disorder waiting to happen- your stepsister is being bullied.
Post # 6
Oh wow. First, I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and it is so unfair of your step-mom to be tearing that little girl down like that.
Not sure it’s the best adivce, but I probably would go talk to step-mom face-to-face and explain that since they are going to be gone I would really like to have the dress picked out before they leave. Also, just because the dress is picked out now doesn’t mean it has to be ordered now. You can have them send your sister’s measurements at a later date to make sure of sizing (if it would make step-mom feel better).
Knowing me, I’d probably throw a comment in there to the effect of “since I think my sister is beautiful the way she is, sizing won’t be an issue for anyone but you.” It would probably cause probs between you and step-mom but maybe she would lay off her kid. It sounds like to me this woman is unhappy with herself and unhappy people tend to attack others to make themselves feel better.
Post # 8
This poor teenager. Okay advice-wise 1.) I would call the teenager again to confirm dates, as if nothing is going on. If she says, “My mom says I can’t go shopping because I’m going to lose 20 pounds etc…” I would just say, “oh honey you’re so gorgeous don’t stress about that, I’d love for us to have the dress picked out. Plus that’s what alterations are for.”
2.) If this actually escalates to the mom then tell dad to take over. It’s his job. 🙂
Post # 9
Opps – just noticed my initial mistake, my step sister is a UK 10-12 which is a US 6-8, not 12-14.
@rebwana: My plan was to take her alone for sure, I wouldn’t have that woman anywhere near our shopping trip! But I would need to go to the house to collect her and at 15 her Mum still needs to give permission. As far as I know she is going along with trying to lose weight but I dont know if she wants to or if it is because she is being pushed. I am very worried about an eating disorder.
@sapphiregriffin: Good point on maybe sending measurements later…I might use that as a way to just get her to let her come out at least. I have already told her I disagree she needs to use weight. Just to add, this woman used to be a UK 16 (US12) herself and is currently around a UK 8 (US4) but only because she has no job, and literally spends all day working out, doing yoga and eating very expensive health food.
@Americano: Thanks for your advice. I am waiting to hear from my sister now…if I dont hear tonight I am calling my Dad!
Just as an aside – my step mother is picking the flower girl dress. I asked if I could take the little one shopping (with my step mother of course) and she said ‘Maybe, but I think I’ll have a look myself first’ so I dont even get to pick my own flower girl dress either!
Post # 10
That’s horrible.. I honestly wouldn’t hesitate to approach the step-mother on this issue.
When I was in elementary school, I had severe asthma & was on prescription steroid medication, which was the only thing that helped my breathing. Basically, steroids make you puffy & super hungry all the time, so I was a chubby kid. My stepmom would always tell me, “Boys only like the skinny girls” in an effort to get me to stop wanting to eat so much. Mm, I was in third grade, I really didn’t care about boys then, but those words stayed with me. I later got super obsessive about my eating habits & eventually started binging & purging. I’m completely out of all that now & healthy, but words have a huge effect. Especially coming from a parent figure.
Your step-sister needs someone to be on her side, don’t be afraid to stand up for her! You sound like a really great sister.. I just hope your step-mother will realize what she’s doing & stop before she pushes her daughter away.
Post # 11
My heart breaks for your step sister…..
Can you take her shopping by yourself?
Without step mom?
Try to talk to her about what really matters in life?
Post # 12
@Americano: This sounds like really good advice to me.
Keep being a supportive, healthy influence in her life, she’ll need it. Isn’t a size 6 considered ideal? A US 6-8 is far from big. Mom needs to get a clue, and a heart.
Post # 13
It sounds like your stepmother has body image issues and is projecting them onto your stepsister, which sucks. I don’t think parents should ever make their kids feel fat and unattractive, but I also want to say there is quite a difference between a 15 year old being a size 14 and a size 6. So, although I would never approach the situation like she has, if she truly was a size 14, that could be unhealthy, and trying to get her to lose some excess weight would maybe be beneficial, not for vanity but for her health.
THEN I saw you said it’s a US 6-8 and that’s NOT overweight, at all. I think that’s a great size and it’s awful your stepmother is making her feel so terrible. You should definitely continue to be a GREAT big sister and advocate for her!
Post # 14
I think you should continue on as though she never made the comment. If she makes any comments in front of your step-sister you should be sure to contradict her.
Those comments can be very damaging in the long run, so she’s very lucky she has someone looking out for her.
Post # 15
I feel for your ss, both of my parents were like that. I developed a severe eating disorder when I was 13. What you don’t hear about very often are the ana/mia’s who end up being over 200 lbs because their bodies react differently. I grew up tortured, and I wish someone would have cared the way you do. I agree that talking to your father is the best way to approach this. As for the girl, continue to be supportive and loving. Even having one person in your corner can make a world of difference.
Post # 16
That’s heart breaking. I’m so sorry for you and your sister. Maybe you can go shopping with her and your dad??