(Closed) +1 Drama: Family member changed RSVP from yes to "ceremony only".

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I wouldn’t change my mind and her parents are being petty. Hey at least your save your self with some money not having to pay for their plates. It’s a small intimate wedding she doesn’t get to bring a random.

Post # 4
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@rurahrah:  Hi. Well if i was in your shoes i wouldn’t give in to what they want – at the end of the day you have to pay for everything and if your budget is tight and your working towards to keeping the wedding small and intimate i would let them come and go, your wedding should be a priority not their Bf’s. We are also have a small intimate wedding with max 50 people and all of them are family and most of them might have gf’s or bf’s but we did let everyone know they can’t bring extra people as we are working on a budget if the money wasnt an issue we would have invited so much more people but at the same time my fiance doesnt like big weddings. Its your wedding and have your wedding like you and your fiance want it, its not about the other people and their wants. They should repect your request at then end of the day they go home and will see their bf’s/gf’s anyway. One day away from them won’t kill them. Sorry if i sound rude and harsh but i don’t think some guests understand your point of view. They arent feeling the pressure we do as brides lol to make sure everything goes smooth.

Post # 5
Member
7908 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I probably wouldn’t give in, but I would probably try to explain to her or her parents that the guest list is very small and you had to exclude people you are very close to because you prioritized family like them.

Post # 6
Member
3358 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

it amazes me how people don’t get what “small and intimate, close friends and family only” mean. I can understand being miffed if it were her husband or live-in boyfriend … but otherwise, you can definitely do without paying for more plates.

Post # 7
Member
7610 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I wouldn’t budge an inch because she’s acting like a spoiled brat and they’re being ridiculous.  They want to do all that driving just for 20 minutes and miss out on all the fun?  Their problem, NOT yours.  They are the ones who look silly, not you.

Post # 8
Member
7610 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

By the way, you should give them a call to say something along the lines of “sorry to hear you won’t be able to stay for the reception” just to confirm.  There’s a chance they’ll change their minds once they realize how silly they’re being and show up expecting dinner.

Post # 10
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yes I agree with calling them and telling them that you will be sending final numbers and making final payments for the food and drinks, so day of they won’t be able to accomdated should they change their minds.

Post # 11
Member
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The aunt and uncle are trying to pressure you, and you really haven’t done anything wrong.  A casual romantic partner is not guarenteed an invitation, it’s only necessary to invite as a pair, those who have made a life long commitment to one another.  (It’s polite to assume that couples living together have made that commitment – but you haven’t mentioned that your cousin is living with her boyfriend.)

Double checking their intentions seems wise – and I think phrasing it (as Juliepants suggested) as “We’re very sorry that you won’t be able to attend the reception – since we were looking forward to seeing and spending time with our family.” will be the most successful method.  If you skip the confirmation they could show up and say “we sent you the card, you knew we were coming!  What we said doesn’t count, we didn’t mean it!” – and in their mind see the situation as you not wanting them there!

Since these fools are not (quite) yet related to you – I think it’s perfectly fine to have your FI make the contact!

 

Post # 12
Member
3699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My cousin brought her flavor of the month and turns out he’s super cool – I hope she holds on to this one! 

If you can’t accomodate +1’s, you can’t.  I made the decision to include a date for everyone instead of adding more people, but that’s totally up to you.  The ceremony is the important part, if they want to miss the party, their loss.

Post # 13
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

I’d call and say, “Sorry to hear you changed your mind about the dinner. I was just calling to see if you were really sure about not coming? We’d love to have you there, but if you aren’t able to make it we have a number of close friends we weren’t able to invite and we’d like to be able to include them. I just wanted to confirm with you first before I gave your places away.”

Might not be the best, most elegant etiquette, strickly speaking, but it drives home the point that, “hey, we trimmed our own circle pretty close to the bone, we are committed to using those places for people who are important to us.” They should see that the boyfriend doesn’t qualify, and even if they don’t like it I would hope they’d at least understand your rationale.

Post # 14
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I wouldn’t budge. Some people can be so rude! I’m sure they just said they aren’t coming to sway you into allowing the flavor of the month to come! I’d call to confirm, let them know its only 55 people.

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m confused as to why FI’s mother or father (whomeever is directly related to the aunt or the uncle) isn’t calling them up and going to bat for you guys. If this were MY brother acting like this about my kid’s wedding, you can better believe I’d be calling him up telling him what an idiot he was being.

That being said, some people’s families do not stand up for what is right and instead prefer not to rock the boat. My husband’s mother is like that. She would rather roll over and die than confront anyone about their bad behavior.

I think it’s definitely wise to verbally confirm that they are not coming. The way PP have worded it is perfect, “We are so sorry that you’re unable to make it to the reception, as we would have loved to spend time with you. I just wanted to confirm that you weren’t coming, as I have to turn in my final head count to the venue tomorrow and I won’t be able to add you in if you change your mind later.” Sometimes people fly off the handle and overreact to things, and maybe once they’re forced to actually talk to you they’ll realize how silly they’re being.

 

Post # 16
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee

Hey the inconvenience is on them to travel for so long then stay for only 20 minutes. Call them up to be sure but don’t budge!

The topic ‘+1 Drama: Family member changed RSVP from yes to "ceremony only".’ is closed to new replies.

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