Post # 1
Just recently married (Oct 2012) and had a plan to start trying for a baby at the end of this upcoming July. Recently, I have had a change of heart of when to start trying. I am just simply not ready yet – life has been great to me lately and I am not ready to change things and bring a baby into the world. Not to mention the fact that I am finally at a good place with my life and not to sound selfish but I am proud of myself for getting my body back to being fit – I’ve worked really hard for both. My husband on the other hand is “ready”. Although he doesn’t show me when we are around our friends kids AT ALL. He tells me that they are “not his”. When I am around our friends kids – I enjoy the time with them – but I have it in mind that I am around them for a short time and they aren’t going home with me. It eases my mind. Although I am 28 (next week) and he just turned 30 – we both have some time to have wait before having kids. When I try to talk to my husband about it and ask him why he wants a family, he says “beacause I do” which to me sounds like a childish answer and looks like (to me) that he just wants the image of having a family. He denies it but to me it’s not a solid enough answer.
Has anyone felt this way or have gone through this and ended up having children? If so, how old were you? What made you change your mind? I could really use some honest feedback…
Post # 3
Fiance really wants to have a baby, not right now but in the next few years. I already have a 4 year old from a previous relationship and I’m less sure if I want another child. I also just got my body back to where I want it, and I was lucky with my daughter and escaped with very minimal stretch marks( just on my hips) I’m not too excited to tempt fate a second time! and while I would love another child, I also would not be devestated if we don’t have one. I think you should talk to your husband about how you feel and maybe agree to have a discussion every 6 months of so. putting off getting preganant for a year or two isn’t going to hurt anything. even if it takes awhile to conceive you will still be in your very early 30’s.
Post # 4
@ebotts: Darling Husband and I went through this last summer, only I was ready and Darling Husband wasn’t. I was 30 and he was 31. At the time, I was heartbroken, because I had been very clear about my intentions of wanting a family from day 1, and I felt Darling Husband was trying to take that away from me. It’s also a non-compromisable issue. Either you have kids or you don’t, there is no middle ground. So the whole situation felt so dire.
We ended up going to see a marriage counselor who addressed all of DH’s concerns and was able to give us tools to work towards reducing his anxiety and addressing the issues he thought would come with having a child (financial, time management, ability to focus on career…etc). We also pushed our timeline back about 6 months in order to strengthen our relationship before we started TTC.
I am now 20 weeks pregnant and Darling Husband is the most excited father-to-be you could ever imagine.
Here’s my previous posts about the issue if you want more detail:
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@ebotts: ASk him to wait another year so you can prepare yourself mentally. It’s not a good idea to have children when you’re not ready, especially if he expects you to be the primary caregiver.
Haivng a baby is typically easy for a guy, all he does is feel good making the baby then you get to go through morning sickness, hormones, and a changing body. At the end of it you have a little creature you have to take care of, feed, change, love, etc….
But in a lot of relaitonships, dads leave the bulk of caregiving to mom so I would wait another year to make sure you are ready before having a child you aren’t quite ready for. It’s not like you are saying you don’t ever want a child, you just want a little more time to enjoy being a married couple before taking on the additional responsibility of being parents.
Post # 6
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not being ready this second, for whatever reason. However, if your husband is desperate for children, I think it’s only fair to discuss your timeline. Do you think you will be ready in six months? One year? More? You have to be open with your desires and expectations in a relationship, especially when it comes to adding to your family.
Are you concerned your husband won’t be good with kids? You mention some things about his interaction with them. Or do you fear he’s not really as ready as he claims to be?
Post # 7
@stuckinwonderland: Thank you for your thoughts! I am trying to hold off a little longer then I thought I would be ready for. I think he would be a great father – but again that’s what I think. I have seen other guys show their affection towards kids that aren’t theirs but I have never seen it with my husband – that’s what I get worried about. I have expressed that to him but all I get from him is “it’s not mine – I would be different with my own”.
Post # 8
@ebotts: Does he just seem uninterested in other children or is he not good with them? I had zero interest in children before having my own. I didn’t dislike them, I was just never around them. When I was, I would talk to them and engage, but I probably wasn’t great with them because I didn’t know how to be.
Honestly, I think it’s hard to know who will be a decent parent. I say ‘decent’ because we all screw up every day with our kids, even in tiny ways. I’ve known people I thought would be pretty good at parenting who are just awful and then people who had never held a baby who did quite well. There’s really just no way of knowing, unfortunately. Not for sure, anyways. I think some good indicators are: Is he patient? Does he help you out around the house? Is he available to you at all times? Does he have a temper at all or get frustrated very easily?
Ideally, you want someone who is always available and helps you out, or you’ll end up raising children on your own. Patience and a lack of temper speak for themselves.
I do disagree though a bit with “I would be different with my own.” I think if you don’t like being around kids at all, it would be difficult to enjoy your own kids as much as you could. Just my two cents though.
Post # 9
@ebotts: I my Darling Husband asked me why I wanted a family I would probably have the same answer as your Darling Husband, I just do, I want all those experiences, the good and the bad.
I’m 31 and at 28 I wasn’t ready to have a kid. I’ve also also worked really hard to stay in shape and look the best I can. I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant and I’m completely ready. Part of the reason I knew I was ready to TTC is when I didn’t care if I got huge during pregnancy, the idea of a baby outweighs that care by a million. I think having your first child will always be a scary thought but you’ll also know when you’re ready.
Post # 10
@ebotts: My Fiance has the same “I would be different with my own kids” reaction, and he can’t wait to start a family! I think the issue with other peoples’ kids comes from the fact that he hasn’t had a lot of contact with babies, and with the parents watching him, he doesn’t want to do anything “wrong” (hold an infant wrong, etc). It doesn’t come from a lack of interest at all, just a sort of awkwardness/nervousness that stems from being out of his comfort zone. Maybe this is what your Darling Husband is feeling?