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Okay, bees... This one is interesting!
So we have a guest situation that we don't quite know how to handle. "Bob" is a first cousin. While the rest of the family is extremely close, Bob has never been very close with the family, only coming around occasionally and usually for weddings, anniversaries and other family functions with free food and flowing alcohol.
Bob has been married for 20 years and has a wife and four kids that we all love immensely. We've always invited his wife when we have family girls' night out, regardless of the fact that Bob doesn't want to be around the family much (it is a racially related thing) and she comes and enjoys herself.
So...We invited Bob and his wife by sending an invitation to their home address. Last night I received the reply card indicating that Bob and A WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE will be attending. HUH?
I called Bob and he explained that they had been having problems and he had begun an affair almost two years ago with "Carol." When his wife found out, they tried to work things out and he pretended to end the affair but didn't. Six weeks ago, his wife found out that the affair was ongoing and kicked him out of the house, so now he lives with Carol and feels that she is entitled to accompany him to our wedding.
Now, we don't know Carol and I, personally, wouldn't want to invite someone who knowingly entered a relationship with a married man to celebrate our marriage, ya know? I mean, Bob is still married, I'm not sure they're even legally separated. So... I took the stance that Bob's wife was invited, not Carol and that if Bob wants to come that is fine, but Carol cannot attend. I also want to call and invite Bob's wife since she has been part of our family for 20 years.
What are your thoughts? Am I off-base here? FI doesn't eally care for Bob, so he says just univite him (LOL). What is the protocol here? Numbers are tight and we still have a B-list, but also, I feel it'd be awkward and just morally wrong to have his mistress there—regardless of whether or not the wife attends.
What say you, wise and wonderful bees?
Personally, I would just invite the wife, and exclude the other two completely. I would call Bob back and let him know that if he can't come with his wife, you are sorry, but under the circumstances, he shouldn't be there at all, unless he is there with his wife.
Is Bobs Wife still coming? If she isn't, then I would let him bring his ladyfriend. They've been dating 2 years, that seems long enough for serious. As for the "not invite a woman who entered a marriage" thing, I wouldn't go there. Bob played a part in that as well, for one, and for two, I doubt you know every secret of every couple who is going to be at your wedding, so it shouldn't be a factor.
How awkward! Sounds like Carol is now a girlfriend, though...they do live together. I would just let it slide, not say anything, and be pleasant.
Who knows, maybe Bob will marry Carol. *shrug*
totally inappropriate! i would tell him his mistress is NOT welcome, and if he has a problem with that he doesn't need to come either.
@kitzy: This.
(I might also call his wife and make it clear that, while you understand if she can't come, or doesn't want to if her soon to be ex will be in attendance, that she's more than welcome and in your thoughts right now.)
It kind of seems like bad juju to invite a mistress. I didn't invite someone because of that. I would just tell Bob that you would love to still have him, but you have a list of people you'd like to be able to attend so he can't bring Carol. Or, even better, tell him you're inviting his wife and he can't bring her.
@teaadntoast: I agree with this.
No mistress. If no mistress means no Bob, then no Bob. And call wife (not about mistress but about attending your wedding).
WOW! I would just not have either come. I would not want the mistress at my event even if she is now his girlfriend. As for the wife, I would think she might just not want to come but to be same just save the money .
I posted this in the other thread:
I would do exactly what you are doing - invite the wife and Bob and seat them apart. Awkward situation all around, but there is no way some mistress is going to be coming to my wedding. If it was many years down the road and Bob and his wife were divorced and he was with or married to Carol at that time, then maybe, but certainly not at this point in time.
@teaadntoast: I so agree. I would not knowingly let two people who clearly have no respect for their own marriage (Bob) to come to mine. Hell to the no.
Oh wow. Well, I'd probably invite both Bob and wife. Tell Bob that Carol can't come, which will hopefully mean that he won't attend himself.
I would invite the wife and her kids before that D-Bag and his "lover-friend"
How can it be that I have almost the same situation? Except in my case all 3 live together. Family ((shrugs shoulders)). It's my FI's side so it was for him to choose. He invited his uncle and aunt but not the mistress. He reasoned he knows the uncle and aunt but not the mistress and there are other people he wants to invite other than the mistress. He understands that his uncle might not come but that is completely fine.
I'm with you in this case. Bob and wife but not mistress. How did he get the invite if he's moved out? He took it with him 6 weeks ago?
Definitely invite the wife. Although she isn't a blood relative she is still part of the family, especially since she wants to be included to events (such as girl's night outs), even though Bob isn't interested in those things. Invite Bob, but tell him he can't bring his mistress. Just having her there would probably cause drama and gossip on your big day, which is the last thing you need people worrying about. If both husband and wife go you will also have to deal with figuring out where to separately seat them, which will also lead to whispering gossip.
@Talishazwi: Except in my case all 3 live together.
Say what, now?
Don't want to threadjack, but I would love to know how that works!
p.s can you add an option for just Bob's wife on your poll? just curious at what the results are :)
@teaadntoast:FI doesn't know much about it. I assumed it was cheaper to live together than move out? :) They also still have a young child or two living at home. No children with the mistress. I guess it started with him bringing his "friend" to family functions but the family wondered. And then finally he came out and said they were all going to live together. I don't think many questions were asked. Crazy.
It didn't give me the opition to invite just the wife until I already voted none so my vote is actually for her. I wouldn't want the drama he might cause if you don't let his mistress come too so I wouldn't invite him.
Wow, Bob is disgusting. Hopefully if you tell him he can't bring his little blankety blank, he'll decide to stay home, too.
Thanks for the replies, Bees.
Thanks again! Just making sure I'm not being a prude or out of touch.
I'd say just the wife. It seems like Bob's presence is only going to cause drama with other family members, ESPECIALLY if a mistress shows up to a family affiar.
I'd say just the wife as well (I voted before that was available). Even though you're related to Bob, if you're friends with and support the wife, invite her to be your guest. If you decide to invite Bob (and he and wife can play nice), I'd vote no mistress. 2 years of dating doesn't really count when you're hiding it, and you're right, a wedding is not the place to debut the affair. You want people that are going to support your marriage to be there for you on your big day.
I would still keep the invitation as bob and wife. you dont know his mistress and she shouldnt be invited. How audacious of him to actually ask for an invite for her.
Well since she un-friended most of your family I wouldn't expect her to want to show up at your wedding and see everyone...that would be too embarrassing and emotional for her. But since she was invited already just let whether she shows up be up to her. I still wouldn't invite the mistress.
I'd say invite wife, explain she is totally welcome and wanted there. I'd tell BOB that his wife is attending, if he can't be gentleman then he can stay home and mistress is not welcome in any way shape or form!!
Sorry this is what you have to deal with when planning a happy event!
@beebeebuzzbuzz: I'm going to call her tonight when I get home (Wife). I think the timing is questionable for her to "unfriend" us all and perhaps she & Bob have spoken or he has intimated that he is bringing Mistress to the wedding? I can totally see her feeling upset that the family would just accept and support his relationship with Mistress, so I will call her to let her know that she is still invited & that FI & I only found out last night about all of this.
Like others said, it is ultimately up to her as to whether or not she wants to attend, but FI & I love and support her & I just want to make sure she knows that. As far as Facebook goes... I could actually care less. Maybe she wants to vent about their relationship and doesn't want our family to know about it or is afraid we'll give him info about her—who knows. For me, relationships and friendships are about what takes place in real life, not online. so whether or not she is my FB friend, she is still the mother of my 2nd cousins and a part of our family; always.
Sounds like the wife doesn't want to be a part of the family and the mistress shouldn't even be welcomed past the doors. I had to go to the wedding of my uncle and his mistress... Decheated on his wife for 3 years with her and thengot a divorce so he could marry her. My grandparents have no idea and payed for the entire wedding. The entire time I was sitting there I knew I shouldn't be because I don't support the marriage even .01% I hate the idea of his wife at my wedding. Granted it is actually his wife it still feels like his mistress. I would have to say NO MISTRESS and if he doens't like that, no Bob.
Wow, Bob's got some brass balls on him. I wouldn't go down the "she broke up his marriage!!" road, it takes two to tango and you don't know the particulars of their relationship (I really hate it when people put all the blame for affairs on the mistress, like she made him cheat at gunpoint.) I say call him up and tell him you don't feel comfortable with mistress attending and if he has a problem with it, he can stay home, too.
@ kfricke89
Dont worry about him. She'll lose him like she got him.
Anyways, why would the mistress feel comfortable about being at a wedding...you know, still being the mistress and all? And why does Bob feel comfortable asking for her to attend? People have no manners or class.
I would not invite the mistress, that would just be awkward. If no mistress means no bob, then oh well.
I would leave it up to the wife to accept or decline the invitation though.
If you don't want to invite the mistress because she knowingly entered a relationship with a married man, then you shouldn't invite Bob because he entered a relationship with someone while still married. He does not respect marriage either.
Tell him to stay home and enjoy time with his mistress and invite his wife only.
Ugh. Why do women always have to rag on the other woman in these situations.
He was lying to his wife and chances are he was lying to "Carol" too. Carol could be a perfectly nice woman - you just dont know.
At any rate, Bob is the one that you are related to and thereby the only part of the equation you can control. He's the one with the ass backward morals as far as I can see. I say don't invite any of them - you have a B list. Invite someone you WANT at your wedding!
It seems to me that "who should be invited" has already been decided. You invited Bob and his wife. Carol doesn't even figure in the equation, and Bob should no more be adding her name than should future.mrs.v's auntie be inviting RandomFemale and RandomMale.
Bob has only one choice: to accept the invitation, or to decline. Not to add Carol. His wife is in an awkward position since she is the relative-by-marriage even if she is the nicer person: her only choice in this ugly situation is to decline. So frankly, I would follow up with a quick phonecall or (better) note to her saying "oh, I just heard that you and Bob are having troubles. I want you to know that the invitation I sent was as much or more for you as for him: I truly want you there. If Bob shows up, I will make sure he is seated far away from you. Please let me know if you can come".
For Bob, I would have one of my ugly burly kinsmen -- I think the nephew-in-law with the shaved head and the blackbelt -- call on him and say "Don't even dream of bringing your adulterous conquest to Tootie's wedding. Probably best if you keep yourself away, too." Weddings are no place to flaunt one's contempt for the institution of marriage.
Then have a seat set for Bob at a table-for-one by the entrance to the kitchen, within the draft from the swinging door, and sit his wife with people she knows at a good table, and provide her with good Scotch, dancing partners, and a complementary taxi fare home.
as much as i would like to say invite the wife and the mitress and tell Bob to leave his sorry butt at home... the fact is people do not know what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage so i shouldnt be quick to judge
but in this instance i would invite the wife - OP said in her post that the wife has often joined in on other events with her and as they have 4 children (OP's cousins) it seems there will always be a connection there
as far as bob and his new girlfriend, down the track there will be time to meet and greet and incorporate her into the family but i dont think OP's wedding is the time and place
I too vote to invite the wife and tell the cousin to go to you know where..If my cousin did that..i would be completely fine uninviting him for not respecting the institution of marriage..tell him there will be a buffet with no alchy and he would not RSVP anyways. =p
I think it is time to pull the whole threesome off the guest list. The wife will probably not want to come and have to face all the "I'm so sorry for your marriage imploding" comments. Especially as your marriage is just starting. Bob is clearly a douche, with no respect for marriage. And Carol, whatever her culpability, should not be introduced to your family as "the woman Bob abandoned his family for" at YOUR wedding. The day is not about Bob, Wife and Carol.
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