+1 requests, is this bitchy?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Just tell them no nicely (like you wrote), but don’t give them your guest list… that’s too much info.

[ETA] “We’re so glad you can make it to the wedding. Unfortunately due to space  limitations we won’t be able to accomodate any extra guests, thanks for understanding. I’ve attached the list of guests coming so you can see who else  you’ll know at the wedding. If this changes your plans, we’re very sorry, but we  understand, please do let us know.”


They’re adults, they can decide whether or not they’re OK going solo.


Post # 4
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

That seems like something I would want to do. I agree the list is a bit much, but it lays it out pretty clearly that you can’t bring anyone else. If they know people at the wedding, I’m sure they have already been asked by those people if they were invited/going, if that was going to affect their decision.

Post # 5
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think your e-mail is polite but agree that providing the guest list is unnecessary!

Post # 6
2642 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@CakeyP:  Agreed.

OP, I definitely wouldn’t send the guest list.  I’m sure you’ll get people upset that so-and-so is coming or so-and-so gets to bring their GF/BF.

I think I’d email each person individually (not a bcc), send the message you planned but delete

“I’ve attached the list of guests coming so you can see who else you’ll know at the wedding.”

And add at the end of your emailm  “PS: We are inviting *insert mutal friends here* so you can touch base with them to see what their plans are if you want.”  Or something of that nature.

Post # 8
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

DEFINITELY don’t bcc them.  That is for mass emails for business etc- not for personal stuff.  I would be kind of put out if I got a mass email regarding a wedding.  Agree that you shouldn’t send the list either.  

Post # 9
8282 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think your email sounds great. I don’t see why you shouldn’t attach a guest list. Perhaps if someone would feel uncomfortable going alone, at least now they can see who else will be there. 

Post # 10
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If it’s after the RSVP deadline, you have an easy out.  Just say you already had to give the count to the caterer and since it’s after the deadline and you hadn’t heard from them, you assumed they weren’t bringing a plus 1. 

We had one person add a guest after the deadline, and I was tempted to say this, but of course i’m too nice!  people suck!!!!

Post # 11
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Toeternityandbeyond:  I think what you said is perfect. YOU are not rude: the people who are requesting plus ones *when they were not given one* are.

Post # 12
687 posts
Busy bee

@Toeternityandbeyond:  I think she crossed it out because that part sounds sort of clunky, especially since you already said “thanks for understanding” in the first sentence. Leaving it out is more direct, but still polite.

I think talking about how you’re sorry and you understand and then adding a “but ______” after it makes it sound kinda like your waffling and making excuses when really, you simply cannot give them a +1. That’s why I think @CakeyP‘s version is better.

Post # 13
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@CakeyP:  I am SO saving this because I have a feeling I am going to have to deal with this.  Invites are going out next week

Post # 14
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think that your email is polite! If I was one of the people receiving that email I’d appreciate seeing the guest list. Who else was attending would sway my decision!

Post # 15
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Toeternityandbeyond:  I struck it out because I was worried about the somewhat apologetic tone in the overall message. I think that you could totally leave the “we understand” in, but just don’t say sorry in there anywhere.
I just get this feeling “sorry” leaves the door open a crack for pleading and/or another question about +1’s down the line.

Plus, forget it – if you send them the guest list, they can deduce who on there is going as a +1. Don’t give them any reasons or evidence that can undermine your decision.

And BTW- a question is a question, not a guarentee for a “yes!” Since they asked you, there is always an option to say no – and you shouldn’t feel bad about it! 🙂

Good luck, OP!

Post # 16
29 posts
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Toeternityandbeyond:  Plus-ones are probably the most frustrating thing I’ve dealt with so far.  The invitation says you not you and another person.  What do they not get?  I’m for making exceptions if they’re in a relationship but if not there is no reason to bring another person if the invite isn’t addressed that way.


Anyway, DO NOT put yourself over budget because you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings.  That is not ok.  If they can’t make it because they don’t want to come alone that’s not your fault.  Let them know you can’t accomodate any more people.  If they love you they’ll understand.


And I wouldn’t attach the guest list either.  Just let them know they are special to you but you had to make cuts somewhere and you’d still love for them to be there.

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