Post # 1
FI and I decided to offer friends/family/cousins +1’s if they’re dating someone at the time invitations go out and we have a name for that person. We’ve asked all guests who aren’t dating anyone and are coming outside of a group (like family, or work friends, etc.) if they would like to bring a friend and what that friend’s name is.
FI has two cousins that are grown and both dating guys (and have been for at least the last year). I have both of their names and asked FI’s parent to confirm the names and addresses for cousins and guests, to which I receive this from Uncle (girls’ dad) . . “A formal commitment is required to address individuals formally. A lot could happen between now and November and you shouldn’t place a formality on something that is not formal.” And then continues to request that they be invited “plus guest.”
In all honesty, our guest list is full and while we’d be hapy to include these gentlemen that have been in their lives for awhile, we are not interested in inviting random “+1’s” . I was under the impression I was doing a good thing by finding out their names and inviting them specifically by name (we don’t have inner envelopes due to a pocketfold so their name will be on the outside).
Am I wrong to address it to these women and their significant others? (One is 25 and working and living w/said individual, one is still in college)
Should I give in and invite them with “a guest?”
Note: These women could completly think their dad is in the wrong as well. I’m not sure how they feel about it, I don’t know them all that well.
Post # 3
I’m guessing that daddy doesn’t like his daughter’s boyfriend. I’d go straight to the source and talk to the cousins myself.
Post # 4
I don’t understand why their father gets to dictate who their invitations get adressed to. Where is the invitation going to the one in college? A dorm or her parents house? If the parents house, maybe just do what he wants to keep the peace. As for the one living with her significant other, I think that’s enough of a commitment to get his name on the invitation.
Post # 5
I’d address it by name.
They are grown women. What the uncle thinks doesn’t matter.
Post # 6
HAHAHA Wow! I can’t believe he said not to place a formality like that. I agee w/ PP Sugaree. Dad must not like one or more of the BFs or maybe doesn’t think that it’s very serious (and is probably hoping that it’s not).
Contact the cousins personally. You’re inviting their SOs from NOW. Not some rando-dude that they met 2 weeks before your wedding after a terrible breakup or something (should that happen).
Otherwise, address it to the cousins themselves and let them know by phone that their now-SO is invited should they still be together, but if something happens before then to just let you guys know so you can tell the caterer that the number has decreased by 1. This way, they know that the invite is for the SO and not anyone else.
Post # 7
@Sugaree: I agree, I would talk directly to the cousin!
Post # 8
I always thought it was better to invite the significant other by name.
Post # 9
I’d keep it as is. They’re adults, and it’s your wedding. Their dad’s opinion is irrelevant here.
Post # 10
The one living with her boyfriend sounds like a pretty significant commitment, unless her dad is aware of some secret plans to move out prior to the wedding. I’d definitely put both people’s names on that one.
If the college girl has a boyfriend that she’s been with for at least a year, put his name on there too. Even if something goes south between them before the wedding, I don’t think there’s any interpretation of rudeness on your part.
Your fiance’s uncle sounds like he’s being extremely weird. They aren’t his wedding invitations, so do what you think is best (which sounds like getting their names).
Post # 11
Yes, talk to the cousins. Since one of them is a live-in SO, they are a social unit anyway and, according to the etiquette I’ve heard repeatedly on the ‘Bee, they should be invited jointly and Dad is wrong.
It sounds like Dad is just set in his ways (maybe he had an etiquette-stickler mom and that was her rule from several decades ago?), or maybe he knows that one of the relationships is shaky? In any event, check with the cousins directly. (And don’t mention the encounter with Dad. If one of the relationships is shaky, or if it is a case of Dad disliking the boyfriend, you don’t need to stumble into the middle of it. Just ask the cousin to confirm the name, correct spelling, whatever, etc.)
Post # 12
Thanks for the feed back!
@iammcdibble – I didn’t intend for him to. I sent the guest list for FI’s side to his parents and asked them to just look it over, and FI’s dad contacted family to confirm addresses and I guess names I had on the address list. And Uncle came back with this that I hadn’t even thought of, but I definitely don’t want to offend anyone either.
@asscherlover – I thought so too!
Post # 13
If they have been together awhile and I know them by name then I am addressing by name. There are a few that I am not familiar with so I will be sending them as “plus guest”. I think that it is nice that you are planning to invite their significant others and are addressing by name. I would not want random +1 on my guest list either (unless it started that way). Definitely talk to the cousins!
Post # 14
I would send them an invite that said cousin + guest unless you already knew their name. On the reply card just have them write the name of those attending. This is how I was able to obtain names of all our +1’s and add them to the seating chart.
By inviting both parties on the invitation in the way of etiquette it is saying that both parties are indivdually invited which would not be the case if lets say your cousin were to break up with her bf, I’m sure the bf would not still be invited.
But what is your uncles problem. No matter who you officially address the invite to he should be a lot nicer.
Post # 15
it sounds like the dad is just a stickler for etiquette and is trying to “educate” you about what’s “proper.” that said, I personally think that’s crap 😉 I think it’s rude to address someone as “guest” if you know his/her name
Post # 16
It is proper to invite all guests by name, you are planning to do the right thing.
I was invited to a wedding as “and Guest” – it really rubbed me the wrong way… when YOU feel that you’re in a pretty committed relationship it is insulting to be labeled as an interchangable accessory.
I’ll echo the others – check with the cousins to confirm spelling and addresses for the SOs.
If you can’t rustle up the mailing address for the college boyfriend, you can send a second invitation to the cousin’s house/dorm addressed to “Boyfriend, c/o Cousin” – this can be a nice way to go if you think the boyfriend won’t recognize your names/won’t know why he’s being invited to your wedding. The invitation to the couple who lives together should be addressed to both of them at their shared address. (But it sounds like you know this!)