(Closed) +1, We're Offering – They're Stipulating?!

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How should I handle the +1?
    Keep as is (Address to Cousin and Boyfriend by name) : (56 votes)
    80 %
    Cousin + Guest : (9 votes)
    13 %
    Just invite the cousin, if they can't commit to the person now, they can't have a guest : (2 votes)
    3 %
    Other - see my response below : (3 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    924 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I’m guessing that daddy doesn’t like his daughter’s boyfriend.  I’d go straight to the source and talk to the cousins myself.

    Post # 4
    Member
    945 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I don’t understand why their father gets to dictate who their invitations get adressed to. Where is the invitation going to the one in college? A dorm or her parents house? If the parents house, maybe just do what he wants to keep the peace. As for the one living with her significant other, I think that’s enough of a commitment to get his name on the invitation.

    Post # 5
    Member
    5075 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I’d address it by name.

    They are grown women.  What the uncle thinks doesn’t matter.  

    Post # 6
    Member
    6745 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    HAHAHA Wow!  I can’t believe he said not to place a formality like that.  I agee w/ PP Sugaree.  Dad must not like one or more of the BFs or maybe doesn’t think that it’s very serious (and is probably hoping that it’s not).

    Contact the cousins personally.  You’re inviting their SOs from NOW.  Not some rando-dude that they met 2 weeks before your wedding after a terrible breakup or something (should that happen). 

    Otherwise, address it to the cousins themselves and let them know by phone that their now-SO is invited should they still be together, but if something happens before then to just let you guys know so you can tell the caterer that the number has decreased by 1.  This way, they know that the invite is for the SO and not anyone else. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    6394 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @Sugaree:  I agree, I would talk directly to the cousin!

    Post # 8
    Member
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I always thought it was better to invite the significant other by name.

    Post # 9
    Member
    3668 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I’d keep it as is. They’re adults, and it’s your wedding. Their dad’s opinion is irrelevant here.

    Post # 10
    Member
    69 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    The one living with her boyfriend sounds like a pretty significant commitment, unless her dad is aware of some secret plans to move out prior to the wedding. I’d definitely put both people’s names on that one.

    If the college girl has a boyfriend that she’s been with for at least a year, put his name on there too. Even if something goes south between them before the wedding, I don’t think there’s any interpretation of rudeness on your part.

    Your fiance’s uncle sounds like he’s being extremely weird. They aren’t his wedding invitations, so do what you think is best (which sounds like getting their names).

    Post # 11
    Member
    3697 posts
    Sugar bee

    Yes, talk to the cousins. Since one of them is a live-in SO, they are a social unit anyway and, according to the etiquette I’ve heard repeatedly on the ‘Bee, they should be invited jointly and Dad is wrong.

    It sounds like Dad is just set in his ways (maybe he had an etiquette-stickler mom and that was her rule from several decades ago?), or maybe he knows that one of the relationships is shaky? In any event, check with the cousins directly. (And don’t mention the encounter with Dad. If one of the relationships is shaky, or if it is a case of Dad disliking the boyfriend, you don’t need to stumble into the middle of it. Just ask the cousin to confirm the name, correct spelling, whatever, etc.)

    Post # 13
    Member
    1087 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    If they have been together awhile and I know them by name then I am addressing by name. There are a few that I am not familiar with so I will be sending them as “plus guest”. I think that it is nice that you are planning to invite their significant others and are addressing by name. I would not want random +1 on my guest list either (unless it started that way). Definitely talk to the cousins!

    Post # 14
    Member
    5670 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I would send them an invite that said cousin + guest unless you already knew their name. On the reply card just have them write the name of those attending. This is how I was able to obtain names of all our +1’s and add them to the seating chart.

    By inviting both parties on the invitation in the way of etiquette it is saying that both parties are indivdually invited which would not be the case if lets say your cousin were to break up with her bf, I’m sure the bf would not still be invited.

    But what is your uncles problem. No matter who you officially address the invite to he should be a lot nicer.

    Post # 15
    Member
    2462 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    it sounds like the dad is just a stickler for etiquette and is trying to “educate” you about what’s “proper.” that said, I personally think that’s crap 😉 I think it’s rude to address someone as “guest” if you know his/her name

    Post # 16
    Member
    735 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    It is proper to invite all guests by name, you are planning to do the right thing.

    I was invited to a wedding as “and Guest” – it really rubbed me the wrong way… when YOU feel that you’re in a pretty committed relationship it is insulting to be labeled as an interchangable accessory.

    I’ll echo the others – check with the cousins to confirm spelling and addresses for the SOs.

    If you can’t rustle up the mailing address for the college boyfriend, you can send a second invitation to the cousin’s house/dorm addressed to “Boyfriend, c/o Cousin” – this can be a nice way to go if you think the boyfriend won’t recognize your names/won’t know why he’s being invited to your wedding.  The invitation to the couple who lives together should be addressed to both of them at their shared address.  (But it sounds like you know this!)

    The topic ‘+1, We're Offering – They're Stipulating?!’ is closed to new replies.

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