10 days away and I'm still unsure!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Honestly it sounds like most of your issues lie in what you think of marriage to be. It is not an end to your former self, it’s just an extension of that with a partner along side of you. Especially 10 days before the way, doubt is very common. I personally think if you love your fiance then marry her. Go to counseling for the mental struggles you have with the stigma of “getting married”. 

Post # 4
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

I’m going to reiterate what all of the posters on your previous thread said: you need to call it off.

Yes, you should be ecstatic to be getting married. You were pressured into getting married and that’s not right on her end. And I’m sure you went ahead with it because you lost your last girlfriend but the right person won’t pressure you. They’ll wait until you’re ready or they’ll decide that you aren’t the right match. It’s blatantly obvious to me that she’s not the right woman for you, at least not right now. You’re just going to cause a lot more heartbreak down the road if you go ahead with the wedding. 

Post # 5
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

If you imagine calling off the wedding and walking away from your FI to a new life, even unsure of what that life might be — how do you feel? Do you feel bleak and horrible and like your life will never be complete without her? Or do you feel relieved and hopeful? I think imagining it and how it would make you feel will tell you what you should do.

If you decide to call it off and leave her, do it as SOON as you know it’s the right thing to do. Waiting until the last minute makes it worse for her, and I promise it won’t make it better for you.

Post # 6
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

sorry you’re dealing with this. I don’t know anything about you other then what I read above (didn’t read your first posting) from I have read….I think you and your fiance need to sit down and have a LONG talk.  You really need to be completely honest with her about your feelings, you should be able to with someone you’re engaged to.  Honestly, her reponse should be the last thing you’re worried about in this situation…getting married in the state of mind you seem to in now is going to be a lot worse.

I know for a fact if my dh had these feelings before getting married I would FOR SURE want to know!! I don’t want to marry someone who had regrets or reservations.  Your fiance may be upset at the time, but it’s going to be worse dealing with a potiential divorce.

My advice once again….TALK TO HER…BE HONEST…

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
4367 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Geez man.  Don’t call the wedding off for YOU, call it off for HER.  Don’t drag this poor girl down with you and your issues.  I think they are valid, but you need to tell her now before you go through something you don’t want to.  The devastation will be worse for her, ultimately.  She is not only married, but basically duped into it.  Not fair for either of you.

Post # 8
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think you need a different counselor. psychoactive medication can completely change a person’s personality and thought process and it doesn’t seem like this med is really working for you. I had a friend react poorly to his depression meds, destroy his healthy romantic relationship, beg his toxic ex to get back together (they did), and he regretted it all once he got off of Abilify. The “good” GF won’t speak to him and he’s wrecked right now. Reflect very carefully before you destroy something good. The fact that you cannot tell if you’re happy and have been in a depressive funk are really big red flags! Talk to a mental healthcare provider that can adjust or change your meds to get you to where you should be.

 

Post # 9
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Whoa you need to tell her ASAP!! It sounds like you think getting married will change you as a person…it won’t. But if she was the right girl you would be happy to be taking the next step! You should sit her down TONIGHT and have a long, HONEST discussion. 

Post # 10
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You shouldn’t have these types of doubts this close to the date. You need to be 100% all in! There seems to be a lot of miscommunication, and lack of communication in general. I feel like this wedding needs to either be called off, or at least pushed back. It’s better to face problems now, then get in a marriage and then get a divorce later. You only have a few more days to go, do what is your gut. Also, tell her about the other girl you were dating, she needs to know! If you are going to go through with the wedding, you cannnnnnot enter the marriage with secrets. They will come out eventually and it will not be pretty!

 

Post # 11
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@adams82:  soooo 1 to 6 months ago you wanted to call it off and you left it to 10 days before. i feel horrible for her but luckily she’s dodging a huge bullet because no one that ever truly love someone would do this to them 10 days before. They would have ha the decency and respect to do it a long time ago when they first had these feelings.

 

Hope you’re planning to pay for her divorce lawyer of you choose to marry her without telling here these things. Poor girl. 

 

Post # 12
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@adams82:  Do  you want to call off the wedding, or end the relationship? Those are two major differences. If you want to call off the wedding, but still be with her then this relationship definately has a chance. I agree with some PP, your counseling is NOT working and you need to be honest (to be fair, it is not your therapists fault you are not doing better if you are not telling her the truth).

If, on the other hand, you want to end the relationship, and feel like you are better off without HER, then you need to go with your gut.

Post # 13
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you truly feel this way (and judging by your last post, this isn’t a fleeting feeling), you need to tell her NOW. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to be humiliating for both of you, but I don’t think you should be marrying this woman. If you’re having this many doubts, it’s not right. Both of you will be happier in the end.

Post # 14
Member
4410 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Re: the thing about how you were dating someone else who was out of the country when you a first got together, etc. — don’t bother divulging this now. It doesn’t matter at this point, and anyway, a lot of us date multiple people at the beginning of a relationship. 

As for the bigger questions… I do think it is normal to grieve a little bit before and after your wedding, no matter how excited you are about getting married. If that were your only issue, I’d say don’t worry about it. 

I guess if I were you I’d ask myself these questions:

1) why did I ask this woman to marry me in the first place?

2) am I questioning this because I don’t want to marry her, or am I questioning this because I don’t feel the way I thought I was supposed to feel?

3) what do I want out of marriage? 

If the answers to these questions lead you toward calling it off, then just call it off. Don’t let the thought of money, or people’s travel plans , or whatever stop you. All of this is very minor compared with marrying the wrong person. Good luck to you, whatever you decide. 

Post # 15
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with the other PP’s that you need to tell her NOW.

Post # 16
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This must be so hard but you really do need to swallow the pill on this one and just let her know. It is better to run off half way down the aisle then it is to run straight into a divorce. Maybe talking to her would help these feeling go away? Maybe because it is bottled it feels worse than it is? Talk to her and maybe you will feel at ease and realize you DO want to get married but if you talk to her and still don’t feel right then you would be helping yourself out by leaving. This will be emotional but it will be far less painful than divorce. Tell her and what happens happens

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