- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2010
My wedding is in 10 days. I have been working incredibly hard to get in great shape for the big day. I want to be as thin as it is possible for me to be.
I started with the 30 day shred in October, stepped it up somewhat in April and May with longer and more intense workout videos, and joined a gym in June. I’ve been going to the workout classes at the gym–boot camp, body works (weightlifting) and circuit training (weights and cardio) about an hour a day. For the past 2-3 weeks I’ve stepped it up to two of these classes a day, sometimes adding cardio (fast steep walk on treadmill or elliptical or bike while reading, 15 min – full hour) or weights on any areas that I thought got missed that day. I am no longer sore after doing these two-a-days, and I’m usually one of the top 2 performers in the class.
My problem is eating. I eat total crap all the time. A big part of the problem is that I live with my parents, 4 brothers (ages 17-23) and sister until the wedding, and their dietary needs and preferences are much different than mine. In my normal life, when I lived in my own apartment, I dealt with these cravings by not buying bad things. But my family has snack food they love and keep around, and when I find it, I eat it. We have eliminated some of these items, but not all. This has resulted in some funny scenes, like when I took a package of cookies to my brother and begged him to finish them so that I wouldn’t! I have zero willpower.
Another big part of the problem is that I have no clue what is an appropriate amount of food for me to be eating. I kind of knew what I should eat before I started working out so much, and now I know that I need more calories than before, but I don’t know how much more. I’m hungry all the time, or at least I want to eat all the time, and I have no idea how much of that is because of burning so many calories at the gym, and how much is emotional eating and stressed eating and bored eating and because-it’s-here eating.
The last 4 days have been particularly bad. I had my bachelorette party on Saturday, and drank enough to get pleasantly drunk, and had alfredo pasta and cake (shaped like a penis, haha!). Since then I’ve been eating more junk than ever. I don’t know if it’s some kind of metabolic effect that a night of drinking has, or a psychological effect (ie. once a blanket rule is broken once, all hell breaks loose).
One of the worse things about these binges is that they totally sour my workouts. I can’t enjoy them when all I’m thinking about the whole time is how I need to punish myself for what I ate yesterday, and how nothing I’m doing now counts anyway since I’m just burning off the crap I ate. Yes, I know this way of thinking is not healthy.
At the same time, none of this eating seems to have had much of an impact on any hard data about my fitness level. Even eating this way I can still do all the same workouts. My weight has stayed steady at 117 (I’m 5’1″). My body fat percentage is still about 20%. My waist is still 27 inches. I’m happy with these numbers. Except the waist–I wanted to be at 24 inches, but in 10 days that seems unlikely. Intellectually, I know these are great measurements, and everyone has given me lots of compliments on how I look, but emotionally, I’m not satisfied. I just want to know that I did everything I could to be as thin as possible and gave it my best. That’s the kind of attitude I have about everything in life I care about, but this is the first time in my life I’ve ever applied it to fitness. And the fact is that eating this way is not my best.
My #1 wish right now is that I could talk to a professional to have them tell me exactly what to do–diet and exercise–for the next 10 days to make me as tiny as possible on the wedding day. I want to take my own choice totally out of the picture, and my guilt and self-doubt along with it. I don’t think this is possible. I don’t know where to go and if I can afford it and there’s such a short time window that I’m not sure it would even be worth it, except in reducing my stress level. How much change can really happen in 10 days? Should I just try to maintain? I am getting kind of burnt out, but also exercise is probably relieving some stress!