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Are you sure you're ready to be done? I can understand seperating/divorcing so he doesn't drag you under financially and emotionally, but if he turns around will there be no chance of reconcilliation?
I'm so incredibly sorry that you're dealing with this. (((hugs)))
@Bamboo Yes, I'm sure. I tried for 6 months. He took the rent money and didn't pay the rent. I handed him a job and he didn't even show up. I don't trust him. I may not have the best self esteem, but I have WAY more self respect than that. I refuse to be with a person I don't trust. Who would lie to my face and steal from me. Who would not pay the rent and get up kicked out of our home. Sure, I'm sad. I miss what used to be. But he's not that person anymore. Hasn't been for a long time. He was coming down from coke at the wedding! At the friggin wedding! He looked (and felt) like crap that day. I deserve more. I deserve to be with someone who respects me enough not to lie to me, or steal from me. And who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. (sorry, went off on a rant there)
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. You should be very proud of yourself for doing what you have tried to do and have done for him. Sometimes, the person has to hit rock bottom before they see the light. Hopefully, you moving forward will make him see the light and he will get his life straight. Just remember that you have done nothing wrong. He is the one at fault and you are doing exactly the right thing by moving on.
I wish you only the best and much happiness in your future. You are strong and you will endure. {{{hugs}}}
Oh dear. I'm so sorry. My SO was addicted to heroin during his early twenties, before I knew him. I believe he was a totally different person then. Recovery and rehab when he was ready was the only thing that changed him. He used to lie and steal money too and it's hard for me to imagine how desperate he was.
At one point in our relationship, he broke his neck and was put on painkillers. Painkillers are essentially heroin in legal form. He became addicted and it strained our relationship like you would not believe for a few months. Or maybe you would. He snuck pills, lied about how many he was taking, and I was really worried that we would split up over this. At one point I told him it was either me or the pills and that I would do everything I could to help him get past it but that I would not live that way anymore. Luckily we got through it but it was hard and looking back, there was a lot of fear on my part that he'd revert to his old lifestyle. I think the thing that got us through was that he remembered what life was like as a junkie, what rehab was like, what moving away from everyone he loved was like, what prison was like, and compared it to what life with me was like.
I completely understand the trust issues, just remember that right now, he is not dictating his life but his addiciton is. It doesn't make it any easier on you and if you need to separate, that's completely understandable. If he's ready, and only when he's ready, checking into a rehabilitation center is a wonderful option to help him. Addicts, whether long or short term need to come to grips with their reality and learn to take responsibility and control of their lives one day at a time. He probably feels no control and likely feels terrible about what he's done to you and your relationship. There's just this thing in his life that's bigger than both of you and until he deals with it, he will not be the same person.
I really wish you all the best and if you ever need to talk, please PM me. A junkie isn't ready to get better until they've hit rock bottom but that doesn't mean you need to bottom out with them.
First off, I would like to offer my sincere apologies and lots of hugs for what you are going through. I've been through/going through a situation similar to yours. Not with my FI but with another close family member and I for one know that dealing with a love one with an addiction is not easy. All I can really say is it sounds like you did your best to help him and that's all you can do. You can't help him any more if he doesn't want to help his self. Take some much needed time for yourself at this point. Think about what's really important to you and take care of yourself. If there's any slim chance of reconciliation between you two, I wish you the best. Either way, I'll keep you in my thoughts. ((((BIG Hugs))))
Please post your responses to the identical thread here:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/10-months-in-and-its-over-long-sorry-1
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After 7 years together (10 months of those married), I’m getting divorced.
Back in February (2 days after Valentine’s Day, actually) he told me he’d been doing cocaine for the past 6-8 months. Money had disappeared out of my wallet (I’m talking HUNDREDS here) and he said he didn’t know what happened to it. Swore up and down he had nothing to do with it. Pretty much made me think I was going insane. I didn’t speak to my best friend for a month after she told me “he’s doing drugs or something. This just doesn’t add up”. Bills weren’t getting paid. He wasn’t working or even trying to find work. He was moody; I thought it was just depression from being out of work.
I stayed. I couldn’t leave him after he’d asked for help. I drug tested him regularly, paid off the people he owed, kept his secret from a lot of people.
On July 8th he no showed to a job I got him through the company I work for (a staffing agency). He told me he’d gone to work. I packed him a lunch and kissed him goodbye that morning. I got home and he told me what a great day he’d had. Then I got the call from a co-worker. Saying he hadn’t shown up and she was firing him.
I filed for divorce the following Tuesday. Nothing had changed. He wasn’t trying to find work. I HANDED him a good job and he blew it off. Money wasn’t disappearing but that didn’t fix the MAJOR trust issue.
The following Friday (his 26th birthday) he tells me that we received a 72-hour notice to vacate. After calling the landlord I learned that he hadn’t paid June OR July rent. I’d handed him the money to pay it. He has no answer for where the money went. I am now paying off the past due rent in order to avoid being sued. I’m 27 and living with my mother until the place I found is ready. All of my things are in storage.
He ruined everything. I did everything in my power to make it work. Stayed with him after I knew about the drugs because I thought I could fix it. I thought he loved me enough to do what he needed to do to keep me. I was wrong.
So ladies, I know that there are people out there that can come back from a drug problem. In no way am I saying if there’s a problem kick him to the curb. I did what I felt in my heart was the right thing to do. I don’t regret that. But just know, cocaine (drugs in general), have the ability to ruin a strong 7 year relationship with your best friend. And there’s nothing worse than feeling like he didn’t love you enough to get it together.