Post # 1
This is just an edited-for-size reposting from Blogher (thanks heathaah, for mentioning it in another post). Just a little PSA, and as sort of a spin off on the letter to non-pregnant people.
1. “Take a vacation.”
2. “Relax, just stop thinking about it.”
Does a doctor tell a patient with a hernia or heart problems or
cancer to stop thinking about it? I think not. Infertility is no
different from any other medical conditions, there is usually a medical
3. “Why don’t you just adopt?”
4. “I knew a couple who had given up trying to have a baby and just after filing for adoption, the woman got pregnant!”
5. “You’re still young honey, you have time.”
6. “Just don’t be another Octomom!”
7. “Why don’t you just do IVF?”
8. “IVF is immoral.”
9.”My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!”
10.“God has a plan. Trust Him.”
Of course, this list is not exhaustive. Here’s a game – what
are some things people have said to YOU other infertiles that should be
For the non-infertiles reading this, are their things about
infertility and those going through it that you would like help better
understanding? If so, then what?
Post # 3
@meganmp1: Thank you. I must add I am super sensitive tonight for some reason or I probably would not have said anything.
But that said, it is ironic that my FIL said #3 to us and my MIL comments regarding finding out about Clomid is “OMG, you’re baby will have Downs Syndrome!” Ok a tad ignorant and incorrect, please educate yourself prior to speaking sometimes and if I have a baby with DS, so what? Doesn’t change a thing for me.
A big one for me is when people find out you are doing treatments, they state “I would never do that to myself, just means I am not suppose to have a baby”. Umm, wait and see if you are ever put into this position.
Post # 4
“If you’re meant to have kids, you’ll have them.”
Post # 5
I am not but I have heard someone say to an infertile woman “oh wow, that really sucks” and I wanted to punch them for some reason… I just thought it was unnecessary.
Post # 6
I haven’t tried for a baby yet, and I know I would be just as devastated as y’all if I were in your situation, but a lot of times people don’t realize things they say innocently in an attempt to help or get out of an uncomfortable situation (a lot of people don’t like talking about infertility for some reason) are really hurtful. So, keep that in mind, too.
Like I said, I’m not trying to be ugly and I know from second hand experience. My aunt (12 years younger than my mother) has some kind of condition (I don’t know the name, sorry) where she could get pregnant but she could never make it past the first trimester. Something about her body would just make the baby miscarriage right after the first trimesterish. She miscarried every baby they conceived, which was getting close to the 10 range, if I remember correctly. I remember the devastation, and how sensitive she was about comments made to her. Long story short, she and her first husband got a divorce and she is now married to an amazing man who can’t have children either. Their child is their dog, and they spoil their nieces and nephews beyond belief. It doesn’t mean my aunt doesn’t still grieve for her lost children.
Anyway, just want y’all to know that I pray for each and every woman (not by name, of course, but you’re all included) who is going through a situation similar to my aunt’s situation. I know it’s probably annoying to hear some of the things people say, but like a PP said, a lot of it is ignorance and the majority of the time, they’re just trying to make you feel better.
Post # 7
@cyndistar3: OMG! Way to be crass, huh? Geez! There are much more appropriate and kinder ways to tell someone how sorry you are they are going through such hardships. Some pepple!
btw- that rude type of person is not a person I was referring to in my previous post.
Post # 8
@LaviniaRose2013: I’m sure it’s because of ignorance, and not just being cruel (at least, I hope). Thus, my PSA:)
Post # 9
Since you asked, something I would like to know if what kind of response/supportive comment you would like to hear? I guess I feel guilty because I could see myself saying a couple of the above phrases, and I consider myself a very sensitive and considerate person. I would never want to offend.
Post # 10
@LaviniaRose2013: yea I know. It doesn’t help that it was my FMIL that someone said that to 🙁
Post # 11
@meganmp1: lol IDK number 8 is pretty cruel. Immoral? Seriously? Like your baby is going to come out with Triple 6’s on his or her head because of the IVF? People are ridic sometimes. I’d probably punch a biatch in the face for saying that crap, whether I was the one trying to have the baby or it was some random person I didn’t know.
Post # 12
@Gemstone: the best thing I’ve heard yet is, “I’m sorry that you’re having difficulties! Let me know if you ever need to talk about it.” It doesn’t put blame anywhere, it doesn’t make judgements, and it doesn’t belittle the issues that I’m having. Works perfectly! Well, for me, anyways… 🙂
Post # 13
@Gemstone: If the person is telling you about it then they feel comfortable with you. For me, my friends and my side of the family have been wonderful. They don’t ask questions right away, they just say we are here for you, is there anything we can do knowing very well they can’t physcially do anything. Try to understand the situation instead of making assumptions such as the age factor or its stress that is causing it. The biggest thing my friends and family are doing for us? Being a shoulder. I do not always like to break down in front of my hubby, I want to be strong. But with my sister and with my girlfriends, I can cry all I want. Even if they don’t understand, they try to. In the case of my inlaws, it would have been nice to hear “Hey I am so sorry you are going through this, we will support you no matter what.” Not, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to adopt then to go through all this?”. Nope actually it wouldn’t, adoption is alot harder and a more complex situation.
Post # 14
@cyndistar3: oh no! How embarassing! That must’ve been really frustrating!
Post # 15
@meganmp1: @MissGreen: Thanks for your responses! That’s good to know. I’m still a bit young enough (almost 24) that a lot of my friends aren’t yet trying to conceive. But if they should ever have a problem, I appreciate the insight.
And for what it’s worth, I really am very sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I don’t know what you feel like exactly, but I know you’re in pain. And if anyone on the ‘bee can ever help, please let us know. 🙂
And know that by posting this, you’ve enlightened at least one person. 🙂
Post # 16
I haven’t had any experience with infertility, my husband and I successfully conceived our son naturally. So I’m not really sure I could understand what any of you are going though but having been pregnant and given birth myself I understand how badly you all want it. Something I always try to say to people going through a tough situation is simply: I’m here if you need me, need a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, a cup of coffee… anything! That way you know you’re not going to offend anyone.
For me number 10 is one of the more offensive. Simply because I don’t believe in God or Jesus or the bible or anything, I’m just not a believer, basically (save your comments and judgement, I’ve heard it all before). So for someone to say that to me, I would be like “umm thanks for telling me that something I don’t believe in has plans for me.” What good does that do me?? People use stuff like that way too loosely, I think. People always say “praying for you.” Again, “umm thanks?” People need to take into consideration that not EVERYONE believes in something like that.