Post # 1
My husband and I have been together for 10 years. Others have sometimes described us as an ‘against the odds’ couple (we have a huge age difference and had to overcome quite a lot of resistance from our families). I’ve always considered us to be soulmates.
Just recently I’ve had a niggling feeling creeping up on me. The feeling that I’m no longer in love. I feel love, but it’s a taken-for-granted feeling of love.
I feel as though we can read each other’s thoughts, know what the other person wants, and life has become very predictable.
I’m scared of losing that magic spark we had in the beginning. Maybe I’m asking too much after 10 years, I don’t know. I’m prepared to do just about anything to bring my love back to life – my husband is so perfect for me, but I worry we’re currently not making the most of each other.
Can anyone offer advice or tips?
Thank you so much!
Post # 3
@Mirjam: I was in a decade long relationship before my current one. Of course things get comfortable with time, which is a blessing and a curse. I’d take stability over the annoying world of dating though and my only suggestion is to work at the relationship. Things don’t stay passionate and fun without effort.
You know each other well, so do new and fun and things. Travel somewhere you’ve never been, take a cooking class, leave love notes complimenting your partner, make the time to connect, try new things sexually…if you work at it, I don’t see how a loving marriage can ever be boring. And to trade it for what, dinner dates with a stranger or more passionate sex? I don’t get it.
If you let it happen, connection can be lost at any stage.
Post # 4
My husband and I have been together almost 10 years, but married for not even 1 yet.
Heres some things that we do to help keep the spark alive:
– take regular date nights (goin out, to get away from the regular duties of the home)
-we have a message board on our fridge and we leave love notes back and forth to each other all the time (encouraging messages, love notes, something special. Not “can you get milk”)
-we make our sex life a priority. We are always talking and sharing our thoughts on the subject, and we always make sure that if we do have a “dry spell” it doesn’t last longer then a week.
-we take regular vacations. This is a biggeE. vacations always ignite a spark for us.
-we try, every day, to make sure we hug and kiss and talk and actually hear each other.
-we make time and support each others own individual hobbies/goals. We are genuinely interested in what the other is doing, even if it has nothing to do with the other person.
Anyway, we aren’t perfect. But these are the things that help us keep our relationship feeling special instead of mundane.
Post # 5
DH & I have been together for 10 yrs, married for 3 (I was the hold out). We have so much in common in terms of our interests that we never run out of things to talk about.
It was never about big fireworks for me, so nothing has shifted & Dh never makes me feel taken for granted.
We’re best friends, so we like hanging out together.
Is there a hobby or interest that you could explore together? That can really be fun & give you lots to talk about. I know it sound cliched, but it does work for us.
Post # 6
@Mirjam: Every relationship goes through peaks and valleys so what you’re experiencing is probably perfectly natural. I also think it’s a bit unrealistic to expect to maintain the intensity of a new relationship over a lifetime.
I believe I read an article somewhere that said most divorces occur at certain time points in relationships and occur with less frequency between and after those times – I think it said at the three, seven and ten year marks. So there’s that.
and then this – I believe loving and being committed to someone isn’t just about what you “feel” at any particular time, but it’s also a conscious choice. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship and history with your husband so dont let what is highly likely to be a bit of a spark slump make you doubt it.
Schedule a romantic, fun vacation. Or hell, go somewhere yourself for a week and give yourself a chance to miss him.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Break out of your comfort zone together. Go sky diving, learn how to rock climb or ice skate or paint together, take a road trip somewhere new, make it a goal to try all of the new hot restaurants in your city this year, no matter how weird the food sounds… there are so many ways, big and small, to shake things up. When you do that you see each other in a different light and that really helps with not taking one another for granted. Also, have you ever done a daily gratitude journal? It’s a good way to remind yourself of everything you love about your partner and your relationship because it forces you to focus on the positive. I know it sounds corny, but I truly believe in the power of positive thinking. Good luck!
Post # 8
Thank you for your comments! I think I’m beginning to get things clear…
Could it be that we are TOO close? We share a meal every night, talk about each other’s days, share an academic interest in Psychology, go cycling together in the weekends, do astronomy together in the evenings… There is nothing about each other that we don’t know.
We do not really have friends (we find it hard to find other couples who can cope with our age difference), but I guess that could make a difference? I have noticed I feel real butterflies when I see my husband interact with other people.
Trying something new that neither of us has done before, might indeed be a good thing. It sounds obvious, but sometimes someone just has to tell you these things :-).
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
@Mirjam: Maybe that is part of it. Would you be comfortable with each of you pursuing a new interest seperately? A friend of mine fell in love with his wife all over again when she started doing triatholons. Her commitment to training and personal changes that she went through on her journey shifted the way he saw her, and he said it actually helped their relationship for her to go and do her own thing a few times a week. Some relationships thrive with more together time, and some thrive with more individual time. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here; there is only what is best for your particular relationship. And the only way to know is to talk it over with your partner, come up with a plan, and try it for a few months. If it works, great. If not, tweak the plan and try again. There’s no harm in giving something a shot for 3 months and then evaluating where you are at that point in time.
Post # 10
@Mirjam: I believe that our love changes throughout the relationship. To maintain that “in love” feeling for the entire duration of the relationship seems unrealistic to me in fact. But I think it’s very normal. Lots of peple expect to be in that “in love” stage all the time and worry when they don’t feel it. I do think it can show up again though. Love will sometimes change into companion love. However, we do make a conscientious decision every day to do loving things – that in itself will help sustain the love.
Post # 11
I think the spark ebbs and flows over time. Couples have to work on having hot monogamy.
I have been with my husband for almost 7 years…married for three of those.
We don’t have the money for regular vacations, so we try to take minibreaks about two or three times a year. We also have date nights and a passionate sex life.
Post # 12
@Mirjam: I think couples NEED alone time and a hobby to call their own.
Maybe instead of doing something together you could break apart and fall in love with different things. Then when you come home for dinner you can share these experiences and discuss your new adventure. Nothing makes me happier than listening to DH talk about is hobbies and seeing his excitement. It is hard NOT to stay in love with a happy person.
You won’t know what the other person did and will get a chance to be interested in something new.
Doing things together, like traveling, is also a great idea! Although it sounds like you don’t like being super comfortable. Maybe if you both have something new to discuss then you will get a bigger spark. If you both went to baking class then there isn’t much to talk about since you were both there. However, if you went to baking class and he went to his book club you could come home and discuss something. Make sense?