- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
sorry in advance for the long post, but this has been going on for the past 2 years and if i don't get it all out i may just explode!
back story: close to 3 years ago my (now ex) best friend of 10 years, we'll call her J, went out for a typical saturday night with some of our girlfriends. i at the time had a bf of 2 years and we were out doing our own thing. the next day she called me to tell me how the night went and that they met a group of guys that were going to meet us all out next weekend, she specifically mentioned 1 of them saying he was really cute (fast forward, this guy is now my FI but we'll call him S in the story). so the following weekend came and we all went out. J asked me to feel out S so i pulled him aside and we talked shortly. what i gathered was he just got out of the 5 year relationship and was looking for nothing as far as a relationship went and he asked me to make sure J understood that bc apparently she was a little bold the weekend before. after we left the bar i told her what was said but she brushed it off and continued to try and pursue him. after an overabunance of texts and attempts to get him to hang out he was just straight with her and said, i want nothing more than a friendship from you and if you are ok with that then that's cool we can all keep hanging out, and she agreed. so over the next couple of months we all would hang out on the weekends and J and S did grab dinner a couple of times. then she started to get obsessive and making up stories in her head.first she said he told her that he didn't want a relationship right now but that if he did it would be with her and then it turned into they were in this serious committed relationship. understandably he was totally creeped out and stopped hanging out with us all together. and that was that, or so i thought.
FF 3 months, BF and I broke up and i moved in with J and she was now dating a guy we'll call B (he's not important to the story other than the fact that she was dating someone). FF 5 more months and one of our very best friends passed away. J reached out to S, we were all such a mess and i think she was just looking for a fresh perspective. reluctant at first he agreed to meet us out the following weekend in our depressed attempt to celebrate another one of our GF's birthdays. That night J pulled me aside before S and his friends arrived and she says to me 'A can you try not be as nice as you usually are i dont want you to attract S' (WTF is that?! rude is what it was but i agreed to just keep my distance bc i certainly wasn't going to be rude for no reason). The next day S requested me to be his friend on FB and we began exchanging emails. We had a lot in common and really clicked i loved talking to him but that's all it was, purely an electonic relationship. S later asked me for tickets to a coldplay concert and of course agreed (at the time i was the director of special events for a radio station). i was going to be there anyways so i told him to meet me there for the tickets. we hung out during the first couple of songs then he really layed it on me like a ton of bricks. he told me how he felt about me, that he was falling for me and hadn't been able to stop thinking about me since the first day we met almost a year ago and on that night he turned to his friend and said 'see that girl, you watch i'm gonna marry her'. i could barely wrap my head around all of this before the image of J popped into my head and what she would think about all of this (in her world, if she even looks at a guy he's off limits to all of her friends). but, i knew i was developing feelings for him and this wasn't HS. i was a grown woman and needed to do what my heart told me so i agreed to hang out with him. now here is where i am fully aware i made a mistake, i didnt tell J about any of this (at first). i wanted wait and see if it was going to go any where before i make something out of nothing. well, 2 weeks in and we decided we really wanted to seriously persue this so i knew i had to tell J what was going on. Well, EPIC FALL, she found out something was up before i could tell her myself. i am the worst lair in the world so anytime i told J where i was or waht i was doing she thought something was up and checked up on me by calling the people i said i was with (ok, now that's just crazy). so when she confronted me about it we had it would big time and she made me choose between her and him, so the next day i moved out, even if things didn't work out with S there was no way i was going to continue a friendship with someone who gave me ultimatiums besides some really nasty things were said that could never be taken back including insulting my parents on the way they rasied me 'teaching me it was ok to take things that weren't theirs' and then it ended with her saying 'when you and S dont' work out, because i know you won't, then MAYBE i'll be your friend again'. wow awesome, and scene.
FF 1 year and a half, J is out of my life and she took our entire group of girlfriends with her. drumroll..........S PROPOSED, ya know the relationship J was so certain wouldnt work out. it was so bitter sweet, defintely more sweet but bitter none the less. i always thought the first person i'd call when the day came i was engaged would be J but without a word spoken in a 1.5 years i knew that wasn't possible. i did think i at least owed her the respect to hear it from me first so i sent her a long email sharing that i was engaged and explaining how the last year and half has been the hardest year of my life without her but the happiest year of my life at the same time blah blah blah. and she repsonds with. obviously since it took you this long to say anything it hasnt' really affected you. you are heartless and selfish and i don't need someone liek that in my life. i was crushed, i knew i was wrong for keeping it from her but seeing that this relationship turned into my future i thought she would see that in the grand scheme of things she overreacted at least a little bit. but after that what could i do but move on and put those 10 years behind me.
2 months later one my GF's i lost touch with reaches out to me, she just moved back from Miami and wanted to catch up. she fills me in on something she thought i already knew about that had happened between her and J the year prior. J went to visit her in Miami and while she was there slept with her live in BF of 5 years then tried to justify it by saying she was SOOOOOOOOOOOO messed by what i did to her and then ASKED HER TO FORGIVE HER!! is she serious?!!! i was crucified by what i did yet this was supposed to be forgivable?!
for months and months i beat myself up over how everything happened and played it over and over again in my head how i could have done things differently. but after hearing that story it just put it all in perspective that things happen for a reason and not all friends are forever and i just need to completely move on, logically that is. but i still find my self crushed over all of this and don't know what to do, or if i should even do anthything.
i'm reaching out to you BEE's bc you aren't biased. all my friends and family and FI tell me i am not the selfish, heartless person J seems to think i am but i can't help but think maybe i am. i need fresh unbiased opinions.
I dont think you are selfish. Just because she liked a guy that she did not have a chance with did not mean he was off limits. But maybe you should have been upfront with her about it. That does not make you a bad person, it just means you made a mistake. But everything happens for a reason and your FI was meant to be in your life and your ex friend was not.
You ARE the better person. Dont doubt it, and, in the long run you'll make more friends and in the long run your relationship with J would have continued to be toxic. You're better of without her.
O_O
Oh wow. I hope you feel better. That was a lot. I'm glad you were able to get that out because it seems like you needed it.
Really, someone could go on and on about your ex-friend. I'll try and be short and sweet.
Phuk her. Seriously.
There are so many things that I could say to defend you, but all I really want to say is that guys aren't property. She didn't have dibs on S or anything. She's si-ko.
Don't bother with her every again.
this is totally a toxic friendship! I know it's hard to let go of people you have had such a close relationship with.....but this girl could have also contacted YOU! She's jealous......plain and simple.
You are the victim so stop beating yourself up. It's very hard to let go of someone who you were once close and has been in your life for so long. I had my own J… You need to put her out of your mind and ignore anything that is said to you about her. She will bring you down if you let her.
Wow, you are so not the bad guy here. Your "friend" is psychotic for blaming you for all of her problems. Maybe she needed someone to blame and you just happened to hurt her once, therefore she feels entitled to blame you, but honestly, she sounds crazy.
I don't even think that you needed to tell her right away when you and your FI started hanging out. It's not like you were going behind her back just to hurt her. You have no reason to feel bad about it. Like PP said, guys are not property, and you can't help that you guys fell in love. Especially since it wasn't a one night thing, but you're together for life! She should be happy for you, not acting like you stabbed her in the back.
You just need to realize that this wasn't your fault. Especially since she gave you an ultimatum. She made you choose, and it sounds like your life is so much better for the choice you made! Listen to your FI and family, you're not selfish or heartless, especially since you obviously care enough to be worrying about this!
I could read it all but it sounds like you have a friend who like the guy you are now engaged to. he didn't return her feelings. She in turn took all your friends and slept with one of those friends boyfriends?
I'd say your clear of any guilt. You fiance wanted to be with you, not your fault. Your ex friend sounds like a winner. I'd probably her existence.
wow
Lots of friendships are unhealthy and onesided- some frindships can be as toxic as abusive relationships!
You have done nothing wrong, enjoy your engagement, enjoy your marriage and your life, maybe in a few years when she has grown up a little, she'll be able to see things a little clearer. If not, youre better without her :)
I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. You said it, it's not high school this is real life. If you had been an unfailing, loyal like a puppy dog type of friend, where would you be now? You would be missing out on the greatest love of your life, and you certainly wouldn't be engaged to him either. A true friend would encourage you to find that, rather than tell you who's off limits. I think 100% you made the right decision and your ex-friend sounds crazy, and you are better off without her drama.
@FutureMrsPolizzi: You are definitely the better person in this WHOLE situation and please don't ever think differently. PERIOD. She is not a friend, she can't even be true to herself.
Just concentrate on your future with your FI and your families. Don't pay attention to J. She knows her character all too well (i.e. sleeping with someone else's bf and not admitting it was wrong.) Don't waste your time on her anymore.
If she comes crying to you one day with apologies, then give it a thought. Before that, forget it. And don't expect that day either. Just move on with your own life. Period.
wow! thank you all so much for the outpouring support. i am sitting here at work sobbing like such a baby, lol. i felt such a sense of relief after getting all of that off my chest and as much support as i've had from all of my friends and family throughout all of this, getting all of these upbiased opinions from all of you i think is really going to help me let go of this terribly sad and unfortunate situation.
@bostonsmom - thank you for that insight you are so right - if i turned back time and tried to please my friend FI and i would absolutely not be getting married and that would be way worse than any of this. life has been so much better since he's been in it, he is my best friend and absolute love of my life.
i just need to keep telling myself everything happens for a reason and move forward.
thank you all again for all of your kind words.
She is cah-razy. I don't get why girls are so strange and are willing to ruin wonderful friendships over stupid stuff like this. She liked him. He didn't like her. Therefore no one else with a vajayjay is every allowed to like him again?! I agree with the PP, it sounds like she saw the connection between you two when she asked you to "not be so nice" because she knew she didn't stand a chance. I know it feels bad to think you've hurt a friend, but she's seriously overreacting and being a spoiled little princess. Good riddance because if she ever got over this, it sounds like she'd find something else to be upset about or hold against you.
Everything does happen for a reason and I'm sorry you have to experience that with your friend. It's so disappointing when a friend changes so much that it ruins the friendship. Can you imagine still being friends with her and she tries something sneaky, like make a move on your hubby? Just be thankful that you have the man of your dreams, you are happy, and have peace that you don't have this PSYCHO in your life anymore! Best of luck!
Wow. Your ex "friend" is a munipulative, selfish, insecure person. We were all different people 10 years ago. People grow and change. You don't miss her, you miss who she was years ago. You miss that old friendship. She isn't the same person anymore.
...and apparently she's a huge sl*t too.
@bakerella- you are absoulutely right, if it wasn't this it would have been something else that would have broke up our friendship. it's always been her way or no way and when it came to FI it was my breaking point, i could no longer bite my tounge and use the excuse that 'well thats just the way J is', she def loves being the center of attention and as soon as the spotlight is on someone else she feels extremely threatened.
@jerkamuffin - after all this i saw just how manipulative she really was. and you hit the nail on the head, i miss what our frienship used to be in HS, and that is what i was holding on to. we both really changed after leaving HS and i guess we just headed in 2 different directions but for the years we remained friends after HS i just didn't want to see the change.
Wait a second. So J and S weren't even dating? What is her problem? You can't call shotgun on every cute guy you see!
You are totally not wrong..she didn't have any claim on him so you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Your friend was just hurt by the rejection and she just took it wrong (probably has it in her head that you betrayed her...which you didn't!!). I have a similiar story unfortunately. My former friend of 14 years pretty much abandoned great friendships with both FI and I for reasons I still don't know. FI and him are like brothers too (they knew each other 6 years), so you can only imagine the guilt I have to live with. Friend introduced me to now FI and we fell in love..almost instantly. We started dating and friend blocked us from fb, myspace, won't pick up our phone calls and never returned our messages... We were out having fun bowling one day and since then...nothing! We used to be in touch at least once a week. Prior to this, Friend asked me to dinner and a movie with him alone..which isn't ordinary but we typically go out with a group..but I wasn't in the mood..so i didn't. To this day..everyone thinks he turned his back on us because he had feelings for me...which is really weird because we've been like brother and sister for the duration of our friendship and he's always telling me about girls he was going after! When we got engaged and even now that we're getting closer..it's bitter sweet. I wanted to thank him for introducing us and I certainly wanted to share this excitement with him. He would have been one of Fi's groomsmen and FI and I fought about which side he would sit at. :(
@ATP2011 - no they were never dating, they went out to dinner a couple of times and S and his friends would go out on the weekends with us all the time but he was clear with her from the beginning that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her.
@swtTea - i'm so sorry to hear that. it's terrible trying to cope with the 'loss' of a friend when you are celebrating the happiest time of your life. i hope it all works out for you
Often we feel guilty because we think friendships should be forever and if they aren’t…(insert bad thought here—you are a bad person, selfish, mean, bitchy). But not all friendships are forever and that’s okay; people grow and change. We should be grateful for the friends that stay through all of that and lovingly release those that don’t.
Also, I know how sad it is to lose a good friend, but I wonder if you really miss her or the idea/memory of her. I don’t think she turned selfish and crazy overnight. I have a feeling that she always been this way, it just happens that this time this behavior was turned on you.
Holy cow! I think that everything does happen for a reason, and it's a good thing that J is out of your life right now. If she hadn't completely gone crazy about this, you wouldn't have been with the person you were supposed to be with...your FI! How can she be happy that she almost broke that up??
AND the fact that she slept with another friend's BF is just unacceptable. She thinks that's ok, and she used the excuse of what you "did" to her as it being ok?!? This girl is crazy! She's going to blame you for all of her problems, so just keep going without worrying about her. Live your life with your FI and your real friends and forget about the past with her. You're better off!
I think that you made a HUGE mistake not telling J from the begining. You wanted to "feel it out" and I do think that was selfish of you. If she was as good a friend as you claim, I'm not sure why you didn't just tell her out of simple respect. You knew she had a big thing for the guy (whether or not he had a thing for J).
You knew that she would be hurt by what you were doing and you hid it from her. That's wrong and there is no reason that it's somehow okay to sneak around behind a BFF's back just because you're now engaged. To me, as a friend you still could have dated him, but you should have let her know first.
One of my BFFs is dating a guy I went on a date with once that she knew I wasn't interested in, but she let me know before so I would be in the loop. And even though I really and truly didn't care about him at all, I aprpeaciated that she respected that it could potentially hurt my feelings and wanted to minimize that by letting me know from get go.
That said, I think J should just get over it and understand that you didn't know how to approach the situation. I think that in this situation you BOTH have valid feelings and you both have done things that aren't the best, so move past it and get on. If she is unwilling to do that then you just have to accept that and move on. Sometimes we make mistakes and hurt people and it can never be fixed. It's unfortunate.
@curlydreamer - thank you for hammering in to the fact and digging the knife deeper that i was wrong by not telling her at first. like i said, i am fully aware i messed up by not being upfront. but that is just it i am aware and have owned up to it and i don't think that that makes me selfish in the least, i think it was just a misjudgement and mistake on my part. she on the other hand thinks she is a saint and has done NOTHING wrong. but to each their own opinion
@mmsva - you are 100% she didn't become this way overnight, i always knew there was that side to her but bc it was never aimed at me i looked past it, which doesn't make it any better. this definitely showed me who my real friends are and now more than ever i am thankful for them every day.
Is J single? Maybe you can try setting her up with someone and then she'll relax?
@ATP2011: sadly i am unaware of anything going on in her life, including her relationship status. we haven't spoken/written a word in almost a year and when she stopped talking to me so did the entire group of our girlfriends.
I'm going to say that you are definitely better off without J in your life. I do agree with others who have said that you should have been more upfront with J about S when you first starting seeing him, but on the other hand, I can see why you didn't tell her until you absolutely had to, because it did cause the inevitable ridiculous drama that you knew would happen. I don't think you are selfish, I think J is the one who is selfish and insecure. And the fact that she slept with your friend's boyfriend of 5 years, and expects to be forgiven for that, but isn't able to forgive others, truly shows what kind of person she is. I think you are way better off without this toxic person in your life. I really do believe that not all friendships are meant to last forever, and that everything in life happens for a reason, and I think this was to show you that you deserve better from your friends.
I dont think you were in the wrong that girl has some serious problems but reading your story I was thinking, what about the fiances side of all this? He isn't property and has a right to choose which person he is going to love and who he isn't. Your ex friend needs to realize this and stop treating him like an object she can own.
@babydollgirl: so true that is and FI is fully aware of everything that was said between us, about him, which pushed him into a deeper loathing than he originally had for her. he nor anyone else is an object that can be owned by anyone and he made that perfectly clear to her after hearing about what was said. before we even began a serious relationship S told me he thought our frienship was toxic and that i deserved better in a friend. after all this happened he said to me, 'even if we decide to go our seperate ways, i did you a huge favor bc it got J out of your life, you are so much more than the person treats you like'. luckily we got our happy ending but it's very clear how right he was!
@FutureMrsPolizzi:Your "friend" has major head issues. Please leave her in the past.
Geez, J already sounded rediculous!! She was never even really in a relationship with S and sounds like she barely got to know him. I can't believe a friendship would be lost over nothing. But then I got to the end of the story, and she slept with a friends bf?!? Good riddance!
thank you everyone for all of the support and kind words. i am definitely feeling better about all of this and ready to let it go and just move on enjoy the most exciting time of my life!
@FutureMrsPolizzi: I have to tell you, there are some very similar elements to our stories. I also lost a best friend over my now FI. She'd met him first, liked him and was really forward. He turned her down multiple times. She even asked me to use my "niceness charms" to find out more about him. He never took a shine to her. She later had a BF... He like me... I couldn't help but like him... Etc.
There is one difference, however. I did tell my friend what was going on. In fact, I kept asking every step of the way if she was cool with the way things were unfolding. She kept assuring me that she was. THEN she had a total meltdown about what a terrible person I was and how she didn't need a friend like me in her life.
My point is: no matter how you had handled things, she would have ended your friendship. So don't waste another moment second guessing yourself. Her purpose in your life must have been to introduce you to the love of your life. That's what "K's" purpose was in mine. I might miss K, but my FI more than makes up for that! He IS the love of my life.
The only thing you did wrong was approach dating S the wrong way in the beginning, which you admitted and tried to make amends for. It would have been nice to give J a heads up first, but then again she doesn't seem like the most stable and reasonable individual so that might not have gone well anyway.
So she is allowed to be judgy and make mistakes with no consequenses and you aren't? Doesn't sound like a friendship to me. We are all human and make mistakes, your real friends will forgive you and move on. I understand her ego might have been deflated since you ended up with someone she seemed to be obsessed with, but that's no excuse to go off the deep end and accuse you like she did.
I know it's hard to lose a close friend, but it sounds like you are better off without her in your life. She is crazy and that will only continue to bring you down so keep moving forward and keep working on letting her go. Eventually you will be fine with it. You need positive people that bring good to your life - she does not! Now is a time to be happy and celebrate where your life is going. Don't let your sadness over her and your lost friendship hold you back! That would mean she has power over you and she does not deserve that!
I was in a somewhat similar situation. My FI (then just a friend) and I had both broken up with our SOs, and then we started dating. Our ex-SOs were in our same group of friends, and so we kept our dating quiet at first, to see if things would work out. If it didn't, then we felt it would have been for no reason telling them and upsetting them. Well, while we were still in the first couple of weeks of dating, my ex saw us driving around town, and figured we were dating. It really hit the fan then. In retrospect, we probably should have told the former SOs first, to spare them finding out that way.
I felt sooooo guilty about this for a long time. But in the end, you have to forgive yourself for making that mistake. It sounds like J's "mistake" will help you put your own in perspective - in the grand scheme of things, you didn't really do something all that bad by dating a man J had feelings for who completely did not reciprocate her feelings.
So - let her go, and let it go. Stop feeling bad about it, move on, and be happy!
omg...what a headcase. and such high school drama. i read a blog about this exact thing on one of my favorite blogs...LOL!
http://www.thegirlsguidetodepravity.com/2011/02/rule-36-its-not-cock-blocking-if-hes.html
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MsPanda | 15 |
| ellisrobertson | 12 |
| ShellVee | 10 |
| ndreighton | 6 |
| Leahhh | 4 |
| Niqs | 4 |
| j_jaye | 4 |
 turtles73 |
4 |
| KimKimmieKim |
4 |
| zippylef | 3 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
