- 7 years ago
- Wedding: September 2011
sorry in advance for the long post, but this has been going on for the past 2 years and if i don’t get it all out i may just explode!
back story: close to 3 years ago my (now ex) best friend of 10 years, we’ll call her J, went out for a typical saturday night with some of our girlfriends. i at the time had a bf of 2 years and we were out doing our own thing. the next day she called me to tell me how the night went and that they met a group of guys that were going to meet us all out next weekend, she specifically mentioned 1 of them saying he was really cute (fast forward, this guy is now my FI but we’ll call him S in the story). so the following weekend came and we all went out. J asked me to feel out S so i pulled him aside and we talked shortly. what i gathered was he just got out of the 5 year relationship and was looking for nothing as far as a relationship went and he asked me to make sure J understood that bc apparently she was a little bold the weekend before. after we left the bar i told her what was said but she brushed it off and continued to try and pursue him. after an overabunance of texts and attempts to get him to hang out he was just straight with her and said, i want nothing more than a friendship from you and if you are ok with that then that’s cool we can all keep hanging out, and she agreed. so over the next couple of months we all would hang out on the weekends and J and S did grab dinner a couple of times. then she started to get obsessive and making up stories in her head.first she said he told her that he didn’t want a relationship right now but that if he did it would be with her and then it turned into they were in this serious committed relationship. understandably he was totally creeped out and stopped hanging out with us all together. and that was that, or so i thought.
FF 3 months, BF and I broke up and i moved in with J and she was now dating a guy we’ll call B (he’s not important to the story other than the fact that she was dating someone). FF 5 more months and one of our very best friends passed away. J reached out to S, we were all such a mess and i think she was just looking for a fresh perspective. reluctant at first he agreed to meet us out the following weekend in our depressed attempt to celebrate another one of our GF’s birthdays. That night J pulled me aside before S and his friends arrived and she says to me ‘A can you try not be as nice as you usually are i dont want you to attract S’ (WTF is that?! rude is what it was but i agreed to just keep my distance bc i certainly wasn’t going to be rude for no reason). The next day S requested me to be his friend on FB and we began exchanging emails. We had a lot in common and really clicked i loved talking to him but that’s all it was, purely an electonic relationship. S later asked me for tickets to a coldplay concert and of course agreed (at the time i was the director of special events for a radio station). i was going to be there anyways so i told him to meet me there for the tickets. we hung out during the first couple of songs then he really layed it on me like a ton of bricks. he told me how he felt about me, that he was falling for me and hadn’t been able to stop thinking about me since the first day we met almost a year ago and on that night he turned to his friend and said ‘see that girl, you watch i’m gonna marry her’. i could barely wrap my head around all of this before the image of J popped into my head and what she would think about all of this (in her world, if she even looks at a guy he’s off limits to all of her friends). but, i knew i was developing feelings for him and this wasn’t HS. i was a grown woman and needed to do what my heart told me so i agreed to hang out with him. now here is where i am fully aware i made a mistake, i didnt tell J about any of this (at first). i wanted wait and see if it was going to go any where before i make something out of nothing. well, 2 weeks in and we decided we really wanted to seriously persue this so i knew i had to tell J what was going on. Well, EPIC FALL, she found out something was up before i could tell her myself. i am the worst lair in the world so anytime i told J where i was or waht i was doing she thought something was up and checked up on me by calling the people i said i was with (ok, now that’s just crazy). so when she confronted me about it we had it would big time and she made me choose between her and him, so the next day i moved out, even if things didn’t work out with S there was no way i was going to continue a friendship with someone who gave me ultimatiums besides some really nasty things were said that could never be taken back including insulting my parents on the way they rasied me ‘teaching me it was ok to take things that weren’t theirs’ and then it ended with her saying ‘when you and S dont’ work out, because i know you won’t, then MAYBE i’ll be your friend again’. wow awesome, and scene.
FF 1 year and a half, J is out of my life and she took our entire group of girlfriends with her. drumroll……….S PROPOSED, ya know the relationship J was so certain wouldnt work out. it was so bitter sweet, defintely more sweet but bitter none the less. i always thought the first person i’d call when the day came i was engaged would be J but without a word spoken in a 1.5 years i knew that wasn’t possible. i did think i at least owed her the respect to hear it from me first so i sent her a long email sharing that i was engaged and explaining how the last year and half has been the hardest year of my life without her but the happiest year of my life at the same time blah blah blah. and she repsonds with. obviously since it took you this long to say anything it hasnt’ really affected you. you are heartless and selfish and i don’t need someone liek that in my life. i was crushed, i knew i was wrong for keeping it from her but seeing that this relationship turned into my future i thought she would see that in the grand scheme of things she overreacted at least a little bit. but after that what could i do but move on and put those 10 years behind me.
2 months later one my GF’s i lost touch with reaches out to me, she just moved back from Miami and wanted to catch up. she fills me in on something she thought i already knew about that had happened between her and J the year prior. J went to visit her in Miami and while she was there slept with her live in BF of 5 years then tried to justify it by saying she was SOOOOOOOOOOOO messed by what i did to her and then ASKED HER TO FORGIVE HER!! is she serious?!!! i was crucified by what i did yet this was supposed to be forgivable?!
for months and months i beat myself up over how everything happened and played it over and over again in my head how i could have done things differently. but after hearing that story it just put it all in perspective that things happen for a reason and not all friends are forever and i just need to completely move on, logically that is. but i still find my self crushed over all of this and don’t know what to do, or if i should even do anthything.
i’m reaching out to you BEE’s bc you aren’t biased. all my friends and family and FI tell me i am not the selfish, heartless person J seems to think i am but i can’t help but think maybe i am. i need fresh unbiased opinions.