Post # 1
Hi everyone. I’m in need of some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years. From the beginning, we’ve always talked about getting married, picked out our future children’s names, etc. We’ve lived together basically since we first got together. Over the past few years, he’s sort of flip-flopping about what he ultimately wants for us. I’ve been clear about it all along. Most recently, he has said he does want to get married, but I can’t get a definitive answer from him as to when this might happen. I’m 30, and I’m starting to feel afraid it’s never going to. I’ve dropped many, many hints about it. He usually just laughs it off, and acts very cryptic. I can’t tell if he wants it to be a surprise or if he’s just trying to get me to lay off. We don’t have a lot of money, and I’ve told him I don’t care if my ring only costs a couple hundred dollars and we elope, I just really want to be married. For a while he made it seem like I needed to get my sh*t together and that’s why he was hesitating, but even though we still struggle financially, I have my masters degree and have always worked hard, I gave up drinking (it wasn’t that big of an issue, I just didn’t handle it well and did it a little too often), I quit smoking, I’m trying to loose weight. I don’t even know if I should be thinking this way, like I need to change myself. Anyway, does it sound like I should give him an ultimatum? I would hate to be like that, but if he’s not going to marry me I really need to make a tough decision, because I’m not getting any younger.
Post # 2
sicase1987 : He’s already telling you everything you need to know. Listen to his actions, not his words. If he wanted to marry you, HE WOULD BE MARRYING YOU. Especially after 10 years.
Go find someone who can’t wait to married to you.
Post # 3
sicase1987 : “I’ve dropped many, many hints about it.”
But have you ever sat down and had an actual honest conversation with him about it? This is your life too. You should be able to discuss these things together.
Post # 4
llevinso : I have tried, and when I do that he acts like I’m asking to see my Christmas present early or something. I guess my next step is to just be crystal clear that I need a definitive time frame.
Post # 5
fredthebasil : That’s what I’m fearing. Thanks for your honesty.
Post # 6
I’m turning 30 next year and know what you mean by feeling like it might never happen (although many, many couples get married later than that!) From reading your post, it just sounds like he is avoiding it and marriage, despite the fact that you guys talked about it, picked out children’s names, etc… is not really in his mind. The fact that he laughed it off gave me a bad feeling! Before dating my SO, my ex of 4 years treated terribly.. he made me feel crappy about myself in many ways, yet he would still frequently talk about getting married, “us” in the future.. I found it cruel. It was like he was giving me hope, but in reality, he had no real interest to settle down. We broke up because I found out he cheated on me multiple times during our relationship, but I wished I had walked out sooner.
I know a 10 year relationship may make you feel that it’s difficult to leave, but if the guy is not serious by this age to marry you, don’t feel that you are obligated to stay just because you’ve dated for that long. You should never need to feel like YOU need to change yourself in order for him to marry you!! Hang in there bee. Sending you courage.
Post # 7
sicase1987 : Ultimatums are always a bad idea. Even if I was otherwise happy with someone and they gave me an ultimatum, I’d break things off. Threats are not the way to get to a good outcome.
I was in a relationship with someone for 3 years. We were happy, we had a good time together, and I loved him very much. When we first started dating I made it clear I wanted to get married. He said he’d never really pictured that for himself, but that he’d never been in a relationship before so he couldn’t really say for sure.
Eventually, after enough time went by and all sorts of opportunities passed by without him making the move, we started to talk about it. He would never come right out and say he didn’t want to marry me – because he liked things the way they were. He was getting everything he wanted and felt no need to change our dynamic. He certainly didn’t want the relationship to end, but he didn’t want it to progress, either.
After much heartache, I broke up with him. Not because I stopped loving him, but because we just didn’t want the same things.
It’s possible that’s the situation you find yourself in. It’s also possible he has some sneaky agenda to surprise you with a proposal. It’s ALSO possible aliens possessed his body and prevented him from begging you to marry him. Usually, the simplest explanation is the right one.
You don’t have to make any threats, just tell him you are ready to move forward and want to know one way or another if he wants to do that with you. If he tries to brush off the conversation, let him know that this is important to you and that you’re ready to start planning that future and you need him to be totally clear if that future is the two of you together.
After 10 years, he should know everything he needs to know about you and be ready to start moving into the next phase of life – either together, or apart.
Post # 8
sicase1987 : hes wasting your time. I mean this with a lot of love but you are letting him. It’s not cute anymore to tip toe around hoping to be surprised. It’s ten years already and he doesn’t know what he wants he’s not taking you seriously. He’s never going to propose. He’s unsure of what he wants after 10 years? i think it would be risky to even marry him bc he flip flops his plans for your future too much. What is he going to change his mind about kids once u tie the knot or decide he doesn’t want to be married 10 years into you marriage? I’m 38 and all of my friends face fertility issues. If you want to have kids you have to cut ties and get back out there you don’t have time for this nonsense you sound like a wonderful person.
Post # 9
I’m a bit younger than you but I’d been with my husband 8 years by the time he proposed to me. One day over dinner I straight up asked him. No confrontation. I worked it into my conversation. I actually can’t believe I did this at only 24 years old and after all the women in my life said I should never bring it up. Nope. It’s my life too. Mine went something like this :
‘Hey, you love me and see yourself marrying me one day right? Well you know I want to be a mom before I’m 30 right? And I’m not willing to buy a house until we’re married either so I just want you to be honest with me about it. Does that general timeline work for you? If it doesn’t, tell me a ballpark. What do you want? I just need to know where I’m headed and I can’t put my whole life on hold no matter how much I love you. I have my own goals and wishes and we need to come to a decision about when WE get married together’
Well, it worked. He told me he was on exactly the same page as me and that he wanted to get married in 2017. This conversation was in 2015. We actually started saving for our wedding before we got engaged and the conversation was very open.
I started the process of converting to Catholicism so we could marry in his church which took 8 months and he proposed a month or so after that.
We got married in April after 11 months engaged and will ttc at the end of this year because we just bought our first home and will be renovating first.
We are both 26 but 27 at the end of this year.
My honest advice is to always be open and honest. At the very least he can’t say he didn’t know…
Post # 10
sicase1987 : My ex was like that… wanting to change me, always telling me I needed to have my sh*t together before we settle down, except we weren’t together for 10 years. We were at the age where most people were getting married. I left him and within 8 months met someone who was DYING to marry me (my DH). All I got from my ex was trashed self-esteem, so much hurt and heartbreak. I actually improved exponentially after I met my DH because he treated me like a queen and gave me lots of encouragements. Don’t be with someone who wants to change you. I know 10 years is a long time and it’s extremely difficult to let go of something you’ve invested your entire 20’s. And as one of the PP’s said, don’t listen to his words. Listen to his actions. If he wants to commit, he will commit and get on his knee. My ex then went onto marry someone else very quickly after.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park
You’re wasting your time.
He has no desire to marry you and isn’t going to in the near future.
Post # 12
sicase1987 : 10 years and he refuses to have an honest discussion with you about the future? HUGE red flag Bee.
Post # 13
sicase1987 : Time for a true sit-down discussion. No screens, phones away, just you and him. Talk to him openly and honestly, and if he starts joking around about it and not taking you seriously, stop him. Be open and completely honest about this.
Talk to him about what marriage and commitment means to you. Talk about why you are wanting marriage and where you see the two of you. Talk to him about why you won’t buy a house with him until you are married, or why you won’t have kids until you’re married. You are TOTALLY justified in wanting marriage — not only is it a commitment but it comes with legal protections that nothing else can duplicate and it doesn’t sound like he recognizes that.
I would say be ready for any type of response from him. He might tell you that he isn’t sure if he is “ready” for marriage (which would be total BS by the way). He might tell you he’s unsure of you or the relationship or whatever else. If I were in your situation I would mentally set a walk date and stick to it. If he hasn’t proposed by a certain date, move on. Guys who want to propose and want to get married make it a point to do just that. His obvious lack of commitment with moving this relationship forward doesn’t sit well with me.
Post # 14
OP… I did not read all of your original post. i already have feelings about the title… In my opinion… If you are ready to get married and this much time has gone by… Sit down and tell the man how you feel. Tell him you are ready to get married and you wish to wait no longer. There is nothing wrong with telling him this. If he does not wish to get married I’m sure he will tell you. But, get the information out there. Put a timeline on the table if you wish to. There is nothing wrong with making him understand your feelings. If he does not feel it you can make a decision if you wish to stay in the situation or not. Screw just waiting and not saying anything.
Post # 15
Wow, thank you all so much for your helpful and thorough advice. I’m glad to hear all of these objective opinions, they’re really shedding some light on this situation. At the risk of sounding defensive, he had a really tough upbringing, and marriage was definitely not a value that was instilled in him. I think a lot of it has to do with his own insecurities too, how he’s not where he “wanted to be in life” at 30, but it’s time to either grow up with me or stay stuck without me. I also might not have emphasized the extent of our financial insecurity. Buying a house, having kids, they all just seem so far from reach when we’re just keeping our heads above water. But you only live once. You guys have really given me some clarity, we’re going to have this conversation, from a place of honesty and transparency. Depending on how it goes I may be making some tough moves when our lease is up in November. I really hope that he just needs to know how important it is to me and that will be enough, but no more waiting around beating about the bush.