I feel terrible even writing this on a board, even though it's anonymous (and I went out of the way to create a new name because I'd be terrified if my mom even found out I was writing this! I hope you don't think me dishonest).
But I have a month to go till my wedding and I suspect she's been cheating on my father. I've tried to confront her with no results other than anger and tears. This has caused a huge rift in us, and whereas she used to be my best friend, now I'm dreading parts of my wedding day. You know those beautiful getting ready pictures with the bride and her mother all emotional? I was hoping to have that and now don't see it happening. I was hoping that everyone would be happy on our wedding day but I don't think my parents will be. I feel selfish for worrying about my wedding when there's a much bigger picture here, but these thoughts, aside from others, creep in occasionally.
Any advice to keep it all in perspective? Or to keep from being sad that day?
Oh my gosh, that is so very sad. As a child that spent more than 10 years extremely angry at my father (he remarried just one year after my mom died of cancer) I can tell you that their life is not your life. You are all adults now and just like with the closest friends - they are going to do things you disagree with and that completely break your heart. I know it's harsh, but that is just how it is.
I would recommend concentrating on the fact that regardless of what is going on in their marriage - they both LOVE you. No one knows what happens inside a relationship except those in it. If it's broken you can't fix it...they have to.
As hard as it will be, really try to remember that they are your parents and try to love them unconditionally - just as they love you. Focus on your love and your relationship with your FH. Resolve to show how good love can be through your actions and your marriage. Who knows, maybe they'll remember the power of their own love when they got married and work it out.
Whatever happens, don't let anger destroy your relationship with them - I did and it's taken me a very very long time to repair it. I wish you the very best and I'm sending a big hug your way!
I can't agree more with roseskier! It is so hard but I learned it through my parents' divorce. Your relationship with each of them is totally separate from their marriage to each other. They are older and have been around a lot longer than we have, which frankly doesn't make them wiser in terms of relationships, but also means they are probably not totally oblivious (in the case of your dad), and more importantly are entitled to their own decisions, however bad they may be.
What if you found out a friend was cheating? You would still love her even if you don't respect what she did. Try to think of your mom in the same way. You may eventually find out she sucks as a wife (or maybe not) but is a great mom... and that is what matters most for you.
Hang in there... no one has a "normal" family and you just have to work with what you've got sometimes!
Thank you for your comments ladies. While I do understand that this should be about just the two of them, the betrayal doesn't just have to do with her but with the way she's acted towards me while carrying on with the other man. She lied to me countless times when I asked where she was, she stopped calling me (never asked if I needed help with wedding planning, etc) and just stopped being there for me as both a friend and mother. Today is supposed to be my batchelorette party and today I just confirmed all my suspicions. I don't even want to look at her. I can't imagine getting ready in the same room as her on my wedding day. I just don't know what to think anymore.
Man, that sucks so much. I am so sorry! I hope you have some great bridesmaids and a great fiance to lean on during this difficult time. Although I know you can overcome this, it may be tough to make much progress before your wedding. I hope you are able to calm your mind and not let it ruin your big day. One day you will be past this and in the meantime I would say just fake it till you feel it! You won't want scowly wedding pictures some day when you and your mom are doing better.
On a more practical level, I would suggest: don't ask where she's been or where she is, don't ask anything that might provoke a lie, and don't ask her to do anything. I suspect the reason she has detached is that she knows you are onto her! Avoid any conflict for now... leave that for after the honeymoon, if ever!
Sadbride - I really feel for you. You are dealing with a level of deception that must be so deeply painful, and I can understand how it must be so hard to look at your mom with anything but contempt. This is someone you love, someone you trusted, and she has clearly betrayed that. I don't really think you can get over that between now and the wedding, so you will probably have to accept that the day will be different than you thought it would be.
My hope for you is that on your wedding day you are so elated, so surrounded by love, that you don't think about what happened with your mom. Maybe you can make a list of all the things you love about her and admire about her - and read it over so you can connect with the great relationship you had. Know that you will get to a better place with her one day. Keep the good stuff in mind because no one loves us more than our mothers and fathers, no one will be more proud of you the day you marry your husband. Her indiscretion and lies to cover it up was not meant to hurt you, although it did. Lastly, maybe you can try to think about how fortunate you are to have your mother there - I have seen friends marry whose mothers had passed on and my heart breaks for them.
One would hope that by the time a woman had children old enough to be married, she would be smart enough to know that there is no man worth betraying your family and friends. Janna, you can say that sadbride's mom doesn't mean to hurt her - but the really sad fact is that she is thinking about nobody but herself. Otherwise she would behave like an adult instead of a lovesick teenager - and she would think more about how her actions are affecting everyone around her.
Speaking as someone who was cheated on before, and having married a man whose wife left him and his kids for her extramarital affair, I can say with absolute assurance that really, if you ever find yourself in the position where you are tempted to cheat on your spouse, the least you can possibly do is end the relationship you're in before you start a new one. Anything less is cowardly and cheap.
Sadbride, I would think that you can do two things to help. The first, as already said, is to decide that trying to confront your mom at this time is probably going to do nobody any good. The reason she lies to you is because she knows she's doing something terrible. If she already knows this, and continues, it's pretty clear that for whatever reason she either doesn't care how it affects everyone, or she is somehow fooling herself that it will all work out okay. The second thing - since you're pretty sure what is going on - is that you can have a long talk - or write her a long letter - letting her know that while her behavior is completely on her, you do expect her to conduct herself in a way that will impact your wedding as little as possible. So she needs, if she cares about you at all, to pull herself together and be the mom that she ought to be, at least until after the wedding.
I hope it works out for you. My stepkids' mom, who screwed around while she was married to their dad and ultimately left him (and them) for her boyfriend, still has very little to do with them. She lives in the same town with us, but has lost all her old friends, and lives a pretty sad life. One of the kids has never forgiven her - and seldom speaks to her. The other tries hard to have a relationship with her, but is constantly hurt by they way she always puts her boyfriend and his family first (this is after six years). Frankly, her selfishness is still astonishing to me. I hope that your relationship with your mom survives this thing, but do remember that your dad loves and needs you, and you are lucky enough to have a new family in your husband. Hopefully that will help whatever comes.
Does your father know? I truly believe sometimes cheating happens, and it ruins most relationships- but I can not respect people who are not honest with their spouses about it. It is unfair!
I think you need to remember your mother is a human and she is not perfect. She's betrayed your father, but that has nothing to do with you. Her anger comes from embarassment that you know. I understand why you feel sad, I've dealt with something similar. I found the best way of getting through it was to concentrate on my spouse and talk about what is going on. I told him what my feelings were on cheating, that if either of us ever did, it was important we were honest. For some reason that made me feel better.
Find something that takes your mind off of it. Your mother knows she is wrong- and she'll have to deal with the consequences at some point. You need to choose if you want to do this the month before your wedding or after. She'll always be your mother
Goodluck- this will not ruin your day. Your day isn;t about your parents it's about you.
Your wedding day is about you-unfortunately I think you should just set it aside, proceed as though nothing is happening. Try for the best possible pictures! If in years to come you feel enmity toward your mom-the pictures dont have to show it-they will be what they will be.
So many brides have to hide so much that doesnt fit the perfect tone they had hoped. Its a club you didnt want to be a part of but do your best, be a better wife, mother and friend. That's all you can do.
I feel terrible even writing this on a board, even though it's anonymous (and I went out of the way to create a new name because I'd be terrified if my mom even found out I was writing this! I hope you don't think me dishonest).
But I have a month to go till my wedding and I suspect she's been cheating on my father. I've tried to confront her with no results other than anger and tears. This has caused a huge rift in us, and whereas she used to be my best friend, now I'm dreading parts of my wedding day. You know those beautiful getting ready pictures with the bride and her mother all emotional? I was hoping to have that and now don't see it happening. I was hoping that everyone would be happy on our wedding day but I don't think my parents will be. I feel selfish for worrying about my wedding when there's a much bigger picture here, but these thoughts, aside from others, creep in occasionally.
Any advice to keep it all in perspective? Or to keep from being sad that day?
Thanks, ladies...
posted by sadbride 2 posts 2 months agoOh my gosh, that is so very sad. As a child that spent more than 10 years extremely angry at my father (he remarried just one year after my mom died of cancer) I can tell you that their life is not your life. You are all adults now and just like with the closest friends - they are going to do things you disagree with and that completely break your heart. I know it's harsh, but that is just how it is.
I would recommend concentrating on the fact that regardless of what is going on in their marriage - they both LOVE you. No one knows what happens inside a relationship except those in it. If it's broken you can't fix it...they have to.
As hard as it will be, really try to remember that they are your parents and try to love them unconditionally - just as they love you. Focus on your love and your relationship with your FH. Resolve to show how good love can be through your actions and your marriage. Who knows, maybe they'll remember the power of their own love when they got married and work it out.
Whatever happens, don't let anger destroy your relationship with them - I did and it's taken me a very very long time to repair it. I wish you the very best and I'm sending a big hug your way!
posted by roseskier1 65 posts 2 months agoI can't agree more with roseskier! It is so hard but I learned it through my parents' divorce. Your relationship with each of them is totally separate from their marriage to each other. They are older and have been around a lot longer than we have, which frankly doesn't make them wiser in terms of relationships, but also means they are probably not totally oblivious (in the case of your dad), and more importantly are entitled to their own decisions, however bad they may be.
What if you found out a friend was cheating? You would still love her even if you don't respect what she did. Try to think of your mom in the same way. You may eventually find out she sucks as a wife (or maybe not) but is a great mom... and that is what matters most for you.
Hang in there... no one has a "normal" family and you just have to work with what you've got sometimes!
Kitty
posted by WeddingKitty 34 posts 2 months agoThank you for your comments ladies. While I do understand that this should be about just the two of them, the betrayal doesn't just have to do with her but with the way she's acted towards me while carrying on with the other man. She lied to me countless times when I asked where she was, she stopped calling me (never asked if I needed help with wedding planning, etc) and just stopped being there for me as both a friend and mother. Today is supposed to be my batchelorette party and today I just confirmed all my suspicions. I don't even want to look at her. I can't imagine getting ready in the same room as her on my wedding day. I just don't know what to think anymore.
posted by sadbride 2 posts 2 months agoMan, that sucks so much. I am so sorry! I hope you have some great bridesmaids and a great fiance to lean on during this difficult time. Although I know you can overcome this, it may be tough to make much progress before your wedding. I hope you are able to calm your mind and not let it ruin your big day. One day you will be past this and in the meantime I would say just fake it till you feel it! You won't want scowly wedding pictures some day when you and your mom are doing better.
On a more practical level, I would suggest: don't ask where she's been or where she is, don't ask anything that might provoke a lie, and don't ask her to do anything. I suspect the reason she has detached is that she knows you are onto her! Avoid any conflict for now... leave that for after the honeymoon, if ever!
Praying for you!
posted by WeddingKitty 34 posts 2 months agoSadbride - I really feel for you. You are dealing with a level of deception that must be so deeply painful, and I can understand how it must be so hard to look at your mom with anything but contempt. This is someone you love, someone you trusted, and she has clearly betrayed that. I don't really think you can get over that between now and the wedding, so you will probably have to accept that the day will be different than you thought it would be.
My hope for you is that on your wedding day you are so elated, so surrounded by love, that you don't think about what happened with your mom. Maybe you can make a list of all the things you love about her and admire about her - and read it over so you can connect with the great relationship you had. Know that you will get to a better place with her one day. Keep the good stuff in mind because no one loves us more than our mothers and fathers, no one will be more proud of you the day you marry your husband. Her indiscretion and lies to cover it up was not meant to hurt you, although it did. Lastly, maybe you can try to think about how fortunate you are to have your mother there - I have seen friends marry whose mothers had passed on and my heart breaks for them.
posted by Janna19 340 posts 2 months agoOne would hope that by the time a woman had children old enough to be married, she would be smart enough to know that there is no man worth betraying your family and friends. Janna, you can say that sadbride's mom doesn't mean to hurt her - but the really sad fact is that she is thinking about nobody but herself. Otherwise she would behave like an adult instead of a lovesick teenager - and she would think more about how her actions are affecting everyone around her.
Speaking as someone who was cheated on before, and having married a man whose wife left him and his kids for her extramarital affair, I can say with absolute assurance that really, if you ever find yourself in the position where you are tempted to cheat on your spouse, the least you can possibly do is end the relationship you're in before you start a new one. Anything less is cowardly and cheap.
Sadbride, I would think that you can do two things to help. The first, as already said, is to decide that trying to confront your mom at this time is probably going to do nobody any good. The reason she lies to you is because she knows she's doing something terrible. If she already knows this, and continues, it's pretty clear that for whatever reason she either doesn't care how it affects everyone, or she is somehow fooling herself that it will all work out okay. The second thing - since you're pretty sure what is going on - is that you can have a long talk - or write her a long letter - letting her know that while her behavior is completely on her, you do expect her to conduct herself in a way that will impact your wedding as little as possible. So she needs, if she cares about you at all, to pull herself together and be the mom that she ought to be, at least until after the wedding.
I hope it works out for you. My stepkids' mom, who screwed around while she was married to their dad and ultimately left him (and them) for her boyfriend, still has very little to do with them. She lives in the same town with us, but has lost all her old friends, and lives a pretty sad life. One of the kids has never forgiven her - and seldom speaks to her. The other tries hard to have a relationship with her, but is constantly hurt by they way she always puts her boyfriend and his family first (this is after six years). Frankly, her selfishness is still astonishing to me. I hope that your relationship with your mom survives this thing, but do remember that your dad loves and needs you, and you are lucky enough to have a new family in your husband. Hopefully that will help whatever comes.
posted by suzanno 1,955 posts 2 months agoThis is tough.
Does your father know? I truly believe sometimes cheating happens, and it ruins most relationships- but I can not respect people who are not honest with their spouses about it. It is unfair!
I think you need to remember your mother is a human and she is not perfect. She's betrayed your father, but that has nothing to do with you. Her anger comes from embarassment that you know. I understand why you feel sad, I've dealt with something similar. I found the best way of getting through it was to concentrate on my spouse and talk about what is going on. I told him what my feelings were on cheating, that if either of us ever did, it was important we were honest. For some reason that made me feel better.
Find something that takes your mind off of it. Your mother knows she is wrong- and she'll have to deal with the consequences at some point. You need to choose if you want to do this the month before your wedding or after. She'll always be your mother
Goodluck- this will not ruin your day. Your day isn;t about your parents it's about you.
posted by maureen9004 256 posts 2 months agoYour wedding day is about you-unfortunately I think you should just set it aside, proceed as though nothing is happening. Try for the best possible pictures! If in years to come you feel enmity toward your mom-the pictures dont have to show it-they will be what they will be.
So many brides have to hide so much that doesnt fit the perfect tone they had hoped. Its a club you didnt want to be a part of but do your best, be a better wife, mother and friend. That's all you can do.
posted by ju1244 254 posts 2 months ago