Post # 1
<span style=”font-family: Verdana; font-size: 7.5pt”>Hey all I’m having a major melt down over here. My FI (let’s call him Bear) is now starting to freak out. Let’s start at the beginning…
We were planning on a certain venue. This venue was going to cost us about 4,000 bucks (including catering). Well our cat got really sick (he’s better now) and we had to spend a good amount of money to take care of him. So Bear sits me down and gives me the "we really can’t afford to keep going with this plan. I don’t want a big wedding, I’d rather go to the court house and on a kick arse honeymoon." OK I say. Let’s compromise. Let’s look for a more budget friendly venue and do the food ourselves (not sit-down dinner). It doesn’t really matter to me. I just want to marry him.
So, we find a venue (for a great price), we find a photographer, florist so on and so forth. Over the 4th we are visiting his family when his Grandmother chimes in "you aren’t taking a honeymoon I hope? You have too many other things that money can go for" *Please note, this honeymoon is about 2300.00 (including air fare) to Ireland for a week (it also includes lodging and a rental car) my Nana has already put 300.00 down as a deposit (our wedding gift). Now Bear is saying he wants to scrap the wedding and the honeymoon and buy a new car! WTF!?!? I told him that him saying that hurt me. He says he wants the wedding because I want the wedding. But now he’s wishing he would have been more involved choosing the vendors. Our photog is 795.00 we’ve given her 150.00 for a deposit (and she’s my hair dressers mom) I just found a photo on craigslist for 275.00. So now what do I do? Would it be horrible of me to cancel the more expensive vendor? Do we scrap the honeymoon?
We’re supposed to talk tonight. But I’m trying really hard not to freak out at the moment. Has anyone else been through this? Any thoughts/advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Post # 3
Don’t make any rash decisions. Sounds like you and Bear need to have a sit-down and decide once and for all what you priorities are. Who says you can’t have it all? maybe take a less expensive honeymoon and put the saved money towards a new car a few months down the road. But with a little more than 3 months until the wedding, now is the time to make some decisions and then commit to sticking with them.
Most importantly? You can’t be the only one who compromises! If the wedding is important to you, then have a wedding. But whatever you decide to do, decide together 🙂
Post # 4
This is a really tough situation since you want to create a wedding in which you both will be happy. I would completely understand a FI who wanted to have a tiny wedding to save money and put it towards a house – but I am concerned that he is telling you these things AFTER you have spent time searching for a venue and especially after you have put down deposits. This is not a great way for a partner to deal with a potential conflict. A mature partner who is ready for marriage would have started the tough conversation before the planning began (or at least before deposits were paid) and said that he wasn’t sure that an expensive wedding would be the best long term financial plan.
I’m not into a big wedding so I wouldn’t have had any problems with a FI who asked me to scale back due to financial considerations, but I would have lost it if I was asked to scale back on something I cared about in order to get a nice honeymoon, and then was asked to give up the honeymoon.
At this point, I am wondering if the problem tends to involve just wedding planning or is it a sign of deeper issues. Does your FI generally make your hopes/dreams/goals his priority? Is he normally a very caring and supportive man?
Post # 5
<p style=”margin: 0in 0in 0pt” class=”MsoNormal”><span style=”font-family: Verdana; font-size: 7.5pt”>Please don’t think that I’m bashing my Bear in this post. He has a bad habit of not wanting to say no to me and then is sometimes faced with having too. He’s been working on it. Yes, I’m frustrated that he didn’t say something BEFORE the deposits were in place. Or that he wasn’t more into finding a less expensive this or that. But the whole reason we’re having a "real wedding" at all is because I want the tradition. He would be happy w/ going to the courthouse, but I want the dancing, the dress the pictures, etc. We all know that life is hard out there for everyone. He’s often said that we’re crazy for planning a wedding in this economy. No one is helping us, like so many people here, we’re paying for everything. I feel like since the deposits have been made we’re locked in. Do I <span style=”font-family: Verdana”>want to spend 800 bucks on the photographer? Not really. I’d love to find one for less, but couldn’t at the time. The real reason for this post was not to bash Bear, as I said before. It was to see if anyone has ever changed vendors this late in the game. And to answer your questions professorbee, yes, he’s very supportive. I just don’t usually want to do things that are this expensive. ;o)
Post # 6
Tell his grandmother to mind her own business! How you spend your money is between no one except you and Bear! Do you think his family has been giving him crap about the money and that is why he is suddenly freaking out?
Post # 7
$795 for a photographer is a bargain! I would be wary of someone charging $275.
How many guests? A honeymoon is nice for both of you, but a wedding is a celebration shared with friends and family. You will have memories of both for a long, long time. A car, however, depreciates in value the second you drive it off the lot (don’t ever let anyone tell you it’s an investment –it’s not!).
Sound like you and your FI need to have a discussion about priorities –for wedding, honeymoon, and marriage. Hopefully you can come to a compromise.
Post # 8
@ legalbee I think you’re right. I think his family did freak him out. Or maybe they voiced the fears he’s been having? Either way I agree, I wish she’s just shut it. She’s very well off. So why does she care? It’s not like it’s her money.
Post # 9
To give you hope, at excatly 180 days before our wedding we cancelled our venue for a much more budget friendly one. We also found a new caterer. We re-negotiated with our photographer for a smaller package. Luckily with this economy we are finding that vendors who still have openings this late in the year have been willing to negotiate. More-over those you already have booked would hate for you to cancel since they most likely will not be re-booked. While this economy sucks I remind myself that I am only getting married once, I will be buying many cars and houses through-out my life. Its okay to celebrate the once and a lifetime moments.
Post # 10
I’m glad to hear that the root of your fiance’s issues is that it is hard for him to disappoint you – that is so much better than a fiance who doesn’t care about your feelings.
In response to your question about switching vendors, our original venue is closing a week before our wedding. With four months to go, we had to choose a different wedding date and lost all of our vendors except the photographer. Prices have dropped significantly, and we were able to book a venue for almost half of what they were charging when we originally booked our first venue. So you may be able to save a significant amount of money by organizing a wedding last minute. It is quite stressful, though. Good luck!
Post # 11
seriously…what is with people thinking they have a right to judge how you spend your money. i understand that parents will always be concerned, but sometimes they need to learn to just shut it, or theyll push their kid away. we had a similar problem that snowballed way out of control. we should have really addressed it sooner, but of course hindsight is 20/20. next time she opens her pie hole, tell her you think you and your man are the best ones to judge the proper way to spend your OWN money. sheesh.
Post # 12
THis is all tough. MY FI and I have been planning our wedding since NOvemeber of last year and he has no involovment in choosing vendors or anything. Now with wedding like 80 days away his mom wants to start throwing in ideas on vendors and how to save money but all the depoits are made and we cant get any of the money back put in. Getting a photographer for 795 is one hell of a deal. Mine was 2600….adn you dont want to have to worry a bout getting great pictures, 275 sounds like youd be missing out on some good memories.
My advice is to calmly explain to him that you have been planning this for a long time and that if he wanted to have more input then he should have. NOw is like the final 3 months and most everything is chosen and ready to go. To sit there and try and scrap all the plans made is almost like calling off the wedding. Guys need to understand all the planning and hard work that go into this one 8 hour day that only comes once. Once my FI sat down adn had seen all I had to do to get thig slined up he realized that changing things was more than he ad bargained for ain the long run would cost more to change rather than trying to cut corners.
Good lUck I hope some of this helps. Keep us posted how the situation turns out!
Post # 13
<p style=”margin: 0in 0in 0pt” class=”MsoNormal”><span style=”font-family: Verdana; font-size: 7.5pt”>The update:
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and input. It’s really been helpful. After a long talk last night, Bear and I agreed that there really is no way for us to come up with the money for a honeymoon. (is it bad that I feel like calling his Gma and saying "ok, you win! are you happy now?!?" don’t worry, I won’t do it). I’m going to try and find a better deal on a photographer (who knows I may have good luck). And from the list I’ve given him he thinks we should do away with programs, flowers for our moms/gmas and gifts for the attendants. I’m pretty sure he was just heated and crossing things off that he didn’t think were necessary but we’ll see. I really do feel OK cancelling the honeymoon. I may live my life looking through rose-colored glasses most of the time, but I know when it’s time to be realistic. So there you have it. 3 months to go and I almost feel like I’m starting from scratch. But now I’m going to tell him <span style=”font-family: Verdana”>everything even if I know he doesn’t want to talk about the wedding, he’s going to know about it so this doesn’t happen again. Lesson learned. I find it interesting that in all the stress and drama planning this wedding has caused me, there’s never any doubt that I want to marry Bear. I guess that’s the way it should be, right?
Post # 14
That’s great that you guys had a talk. YOu can def. go on a Minimoon for so much less money, you live in Oregon and there are lots of great places around to spend a few days together after the honeymoon. Traveling to Europe is expensive, maybe you guys can have that trip to Ireland later as an anniversary trip or something.
As for the $- you can totally do this. You have time and can keep it simple. Just make sure that he knows what you’re doing and can give his input. I have a timeline and a table I made for my FI with all teh planning we need to do so we can keep up with each other and know the costs. It has worked really well and he can be kind of a rogue wedding planner, I’ve noticed so it helps us stay on the same page.