12 years together and he's still lying to me. I don't know what to do.

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You don’t know what to do?  Leave!

Post # 3
7558 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Do you think you can put up with that kind of behavior for the rest of your life? I would find it frustrating to always wonder if my partner was lying to me or not. You’re not married yet. You can still end it and move on with your life. It gets better. 

Post # 4
3873 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m going to be blunt. You have two options:

1) accept it and live like this for the rest of your life. 

2) dump his ass and move on. 

I vote option #2. 

Post # 5
2230 posts
Buzzing bee

i would havev been gone 11 1/2 years ago.  Why are you wasitng you time with this lying loser?  At  what point will his lies become motivation to leave?

Post # 6
6801 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am sorry why are you still with him? 

Post # 7
13744 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

How is this even a question.  I think you’ve already been with him like a decade too long.

Post # 9
4599 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

anonandon :  So nothing has changed in 12 years. What is the question here? Either realize that it’ll be like this for the rest of your life or leave. Those are your only options. 

Post # 10
1912 posts
Buzzing bee

This kid is not going to change. Leave him and enjoy your life. 

Post # 12
4411 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Is he willing to go to counselling?  If so (I doubt it from the sounds of it), sure, give it a shot.  BUT…what if he lies about going to counselling and is drinking and smoking with buddies instead?  A liar like this is not going to change his ways unless he wants to.  I see zero remorse from him in these examples that you provide.  What’s worse is this has been going on the entire relationship.  OVER A DECADE of him lying to you about literally everything, and it hasn’t changed!  His respect for you is nonexistent.  He knows you won’t leave so he keeps on doing the same old shit knowing that you will stick around.  If you want to live a life where you are questioning everything about where your husband is, who he’s with, where your money is going…then by all means keep trying to fit a round peg into a square hole to “make” this relationship work.  If you want a happy healthy relationship this is not it.

I will say if you want to try therapy, I would give him *maybe* 2 months.  Tell him if things have not turned around by that time you are out the door and will not look back.  It sounds harsh, but that may be the only thing that sparks him to change.  You don’t want to marry this man if you can’t trust him.  His redeeming qualities aren’t worth it and I think you know that deep down.  I know it’s hard, but a life with him will cause so much misery.

Post # 13
4599 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

anonandon :  12 years and you’re just NOW broaching the idea of therapy? 

Post # 14
2270 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Would he lie to you about going to counseling? Would he lie to the counselor about what his issues are?

Why should he stop lying? There haven’t been any consequences for his lies for the last 12 years. Clearly he isn’t going to stop lying on his own, and you’ve given him no reason to start being honest. At this point I don’t know how you’d even begin to trust him enough to salvage the relationship. 

I would have walked years ago.

Post # 15
6358 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Honey, if he’s been like this for 12 YEARS he is not changing. And no I don’t think therapy will help. Therapy is not a magical solution to relationship problems and it doesn’t change who people are. He’s been lying to you for 12 years and done nothing to adjust his behavior or make a change. He doesn’t want to change and you’ve told him he doesn’t have to by staying with him despite the lying.

You have two options:

1) Stay and accept that this is how he will always be

2) Leave

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