- 4 months ago
- Wedding: September 2015
12 years and your still with him… that says more than anything.
12 years and your still with him… that says more than anything.
God grief woman leave this jerk! Why on earth do some women put up with so much shit from their SO?
Honesty is super important to me. I could not, would not, live like this. If he’ll lie about small things, he’ll have no problem lying about big things!
I talked to him and said that I never should have let the lying go on this long and that I can’t trust him. He said he understands and wants an opportunity to show me I can trust him. He said he lies about the things because he just wants to avoid a fight and he’s embarrassed at how he spends money. I am very thoughtful with how I spend money and he’s impulsive. He is willing to share his bank info with me so I can verify what he’s telling me.
Regarding cigarettes, he said he really wants to quit but finds it to be very difficult. He said he’ll admit if he slips up instead of lying about it.
He is willing to go to counselling. Maybe he should, but maybe he can get this under control himself now that he knows I am leaving if he doesn’t. It will take time create a new dynamic and rebuild trust.
I’m much more outgoing and extroverted than he is. I think he lies to avoid confrontation because he finds it hard to defend himself against me.
He took responsibility for the lying and agrees it is grounds for a breakup if it doesn’t change. I am hopeful we can get this sorted out, but if not, I do need to move on. I told him even if we stayed together another year or so with the ways things are, it would just be delaying the inevitable.
Also, the parties he lied about and the injuring his arm while drinking happened 10 years ago. I was sick at the time and unable to go to the parties his sister threw so he thought it was a good idea to pretend he was fishing so I wouldn’t feel sad that everyone was out and I wasn’t. He hurt his arm while drunk because he never drank at the time and still doesn’t. He had just turned 21 and was binge drinking with his sister and friends. Drinking isn’t a recurring problem.
Anyway, we’ll see what happens. Actions speak much louder than words. Tonight was the most honest conversation we have had about this issue. He has always been defensive in the past, but I think he gets that I am done if this doesn’t change. I think our relationship is worth saving because he’s otherwise a really great guy. I just hope he really does stop hiding things from me. If he doesn’t change after the conversation we had tonight, then this relationship is a lost cause.
I had an ex exactly like that, lying whenever he’s stressed or doesn’t want to something but doesn’t have the balls to speak up about it. We were together for nearly 2 years. I left.
Oh we talked about it, and he promised to be truthful because I would always listen and not judge. He says he understands but he never changed or even improved a little bit. I don’t think yours will ever change either, not after 12 years of chronic lying.
I can’t believe you took 12 YEARS to get really upset about it. You must have the patience of a saint.
I don’t think he lies because he’s afraid of confrontation, I think he lies because he just tells you whatever’s easiest at the time and does whatever he selfishly pleases. Someone deathly afraid of confrontation wouldn’t set up situations that are sure to cause confrontation- like having a buddy move in without discussing it with you first. There was no way of course that you wouldn’t find out about that, he just didn’t discuss it with you in case you didn’t agree to it, so instead he put you on the spot after-the-fact. And he lied about going to his sister’s parties so you wouldn’t feel sad you weren’t there? Please. Granted that was ten years ago, but when it’s part of an ongoing pattern of behaviour, it’s still relevant.
If you choose to stay with this guy, absolutely do not take on any of his excuses as your own. He isn’t lying to avoid a fight/ spare your feelings/ he’s being considerate because you were tired/sick/upset/PMS-ing etc. He’s lying because he’s a liar and the only way he’ll truly get better is by owning his behaviour rather than excusing it and taking genuine steps to change it, quite likely with therapy as this has been going on for quite some time.
anonandon : He has given you no reason to believe he really wants to change let alone will do the hard work that is required to change. He doesn’t lie for your sake, he lies to avoid adult responsibilities and consequences.
You know this man, you know how he is. You either want this for the rest of your life or you don’t.
anonandon : “I talked to him and said that I never should have let the lying go on this long and that I can’t trust him. He said he understands and wants an opportunity to show me I can trust him.”
I ask this without any snark whatsoever, but I’m curious: have you never had a conversation about his lying in all of the 12 years you’ve been together? Did he really not understand before that all this lying was completely unacceptable? What makes this time different than all the others?
How do you know the things you listed are all that he has lied to you about? That’s all that you’ve FOUND OUT about due to catching him. I’m sure that means there is a lot more that you don’t know. He could have cheated on you for all you know. I know that sounds harsh but I just can NOT deal with lying. And if he is lying to cover up smaller things such as saying he will do something with no intentions of doing them, he sure as hell is lying to you about big stuff. And guess what would cause a TON of confrontation? Cheating. Just something I would be worried about with someone I couldn’t trust.
anonandon : for most this would’ve been a deal breaker! Why are you staying with a habitual liar? After 12 years he’s showing his real spots so maybe time for a change?
My question to you is why are you staying? Doesn’t sound like you have much trust in your relationship with time you’ve dedicated to it and he doesn’t care to make a change which to me shows he doesn’t care.
FutureDrAtkins : I’ve gotten pissed at him in the past and bitched him out but until our convo a month ago, I had never told him I would leave him if he keeps lying. I have no idea why not. I feel like a complete jackass for tolerating this for so long. I believe you teach people how they can treat you. For 12 years, I sent the message that lying pisses me off but I’ll get over it.
llevinso : If it seems ridiculous to y’all, believe me, it’s ridiculous to me, too. I think I didn’t realize how problematic the habitual lying has been until we got engaged and I realized whatever problems we take into a marriage are problems I’ll likely have to live with forever.
kelseypeony : I know for a fact I haven’t caught him in every lie he’s ever told. Since I’ve only ever caught him lying about financial things or how much time he’s spent with friends, I’ve always assumed he hasn’t lied about being unfaithful. Most of the time, I feel pretty sure he has never cheated but I definitely worry that he may have when I sit and think and go through all the “what ifs”. I know he would definitely not admit it because he knows I’d be gone in a flash. He has had lots of opportunity. For two months a few years ago, he worked out of state four days a week and stayed at a hotel. He went out of state when he was the best man of a friend of ours and was at a hotel with a bunch of scummy guys at a bachelor party. He has said he has never cheated or come anywhere close to it. I hope that’s true but how would I know since he lies to me? None of us can be certain our spouse has never strayed, but I wish I could trust that he’d tell me. No way would I hide something like that. He totally would if he ever fucked up.
Since our convo a month ago, I have caught him in more lies. Lied about smoking and said he ate the lunch I packed him for work when he hadn’t. Seriously, what the hell? I told him he needs to go counseling because I want to know I did everything I could to help him turn this around before having to move on in my life.
I love him, I enjoy being with him, he’s very loving to me and my family, and I could stay with him for the long haul if he would just stop lying. If therapy doesn’t change it, all hope is lost and I’ll have to leave. Hopefully he doesn’t bullshit his way through therapy sessions. Sigh.