12 years together and he's still lying to me. I don't know what to do.

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

12 years and your still with him… that says more than anything.

Post # 32
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

God grief woman leave this jerk! Why on earth do some women put up with so much shit from their SO? 

Post # 34
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Vineyard Lake

Honesty is super important to me. I could not, would not, live like this. If he’ll lie about small things, he’ll have no problem lying about big things! 

Post # 36
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I had an ex exactly like that, lying whenever he’s stressed or doesn’t want to something but doesn’t have the balls to speak up about it. We were together for nearly 2 years. I left.

Oh we talked about it, and he promised to be truthful because I would always listen and not judge. He says he understands but he never changed or even improved a little bit. I don’t think yours will ever change either, not after 12 years of chronic lying. 

I can’t believe you took 12 YEARS to get really upset about it. You must have the patience of a saint.

Post # 37
Member
488 posts
Helper bee

anonandon :  Ok well the arm thing from 10 years ago, I think you have to let that one go. 

But as for his current promises, I find that the thing liars love to lie about the most is promising not to lie anymore. But hopefully I’m wrong in your case and this guy can change. 

Post # 38
Member
7424 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

anonandon :  How many times in 12 years have you had that exact conversation? How many times in 12 years has he promised to stop lying? This surely can’t be the first time for either, right? 

Post # 39
Member
3672 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think he lies because he’s afraid of confrontation, I think he lies because he just tells you whatever’s easiest at the time and does whatever he selfishly pleases. Someone deathly afraid of confrontation wouldn’t set up situations that are sure to cause confrontation- like having a buddy move in without discussing it with you first. There was no way of course that you wouldn’t find out about that, he just didn’t discuss it with you in case you didn’t agree to it, so instead he put you on the spot after-the-fact. And he lied about going to his sister’s parties so you wouldn’t feel sad you weren’t there? Please. Granted that was ten years ago, but when it’s part of an ongoing pattern of behaviour, it’s still relevant. 

If you choose to stay with this guy, absolutely do not take on any of his excuses as your own. He isn’t lying to avoid a fight/ spare your feelings/ he’s being considerate because you were tired/sick/upset/PMS-ing etc. He’s lying because he’s a liar and the only way he’ll truly get better is by owning his behaviour rather than excusing it and taking genuine steps to change it, quite likely with therapy as this has been going on  for quite some time. 

Post # 40
Member
2860 posts
Sugar bee

anonandon :  He has given you no reason to believe he really wants to change let alone will do the hard work that is required to change. He doesn’t lie for your sake, he lies to avoid adult responsibilities and consequences. 

You know this man, you know how he is. You either want this for the rest of your life or you don’t. 

Post # 41
Member
4340 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

anonandon :  “I talked to him and said that I never should have let the lying go on this long and that I can’t trust him. He said he understands and wants an opportunity to show me I can trust him.”

I ask this without any snark whatsoever, but I’m curious: have you never had a conversation about his lying in all of the 12 years you’ve been together? Did he really not understand before that all this lying was completely unacceptable? What makes this time different than all the others? 

Post # 43
Member
10 posts
Newbee

How do you know the things you listed are all that he has lied to you about? That’s all that you’ve FOUND OUT about due to catching him. I’m sure that means there is a lot more that you don’t know. He could have cheated on you for all you know. I know that sounds harsh but I just can NOT deal with lying. And if he is lying to cover up smaller things such as saying he will do something with no intentions of doing them, he sure as hell is lying to you about big stuff. And guess what would cause a TON of confrontation? Cheating. Just something I would be worried about with someone I couldn’t trust.

Post # 44
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Embassy suites Hotel

anonandon :  for most this would’ve been a deal breaker! Why are you staying with a habitual liar? After 12 years he’s showing his real spots so maybe time for a change? 

My question to you is why are you staying? Doesn’t sound like you have much trust in your relationship with time you’ve dedicated to it and he doesn’t care to make a change which to me shows he doesn’t care.

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