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Hi guys. Thanks in advance for reading. My fiance (eeeee!!) and I got engaged last weekend; here is my proposal post & ring pic if anyone wants to see.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/and-im-off-he-asked-i-said-yes
We are pretty excited and so are all of our friends, siblings, etc. The problem: the parents. My mom is pretty nonchalant about the whole thing; but his parents are not happy at all. His mom very reluctantly said congrats and did dad wont even acknowledge that we are engaged. FI discussed the proposal with both of our parents. His dad expressly told him not to propose to me; but FI went ahead and did it b/c we both knew it was time.
So his dad told us that we should wait until after FI is done with his residency to get married (that would be at least 6 years, HA!) We both said absolutely not. His parents then decided that they would not support a wedding before May 2012 (when SO graduates from med school). His mom even insinuated that they would not give money or time towards the wedding (outside of a gift) unless we wait 2.5 years. I told them it wasnt about the wedding but it was about the marriage. Then his mom said basically b/c it is her first son; we need to do it the right way, i.e., their way.
Originally we had planned a 1.5 yr engagement for July 2011; which is not that short anyway. His parents literally have a mental block to us getting married before he graduates. They said if we do it, then he will fail out of med school (puh-lease); never mind the fact that even if the wedding is right after he grads; we would still be planning while he is in school. Basically we don't know what to do; I just think a 2.5 year engagement is borderline ridiculous and I might as well give the ring back. On the other hand; I would want our marriage to start of as a joyous occasion; filed with well wishes and happiness. Not a moody one where our parents are just mumbling under their breaths the whole time. I also dont want to start of our lives together with the precedence that the rents control every decision we make.
Do you guys have any thoughts about this? We are both at a loss; even tho I am leaning toward the longer engagement right now just to keep the peace. I just feel like crap because all these plans I had are not just sitting by the wayside.
It's your decision - do what's right for you, and not whatever pleases his parents! It doesn't sound as if they are fair at all.
I'm inclined to say you're both adults and you should do as you please. I'm not sure what they think postponing the wedding another year will do exactly. If it was me, I'd be getting married when my fiance and I decided to get married, not when his (or my) parents said we should. That said, I know it's hard with families and emotions. I think my fiance's mom was a bit apprehensive at first (she thinks 25 is too young to be married) but she's come around. Perhaps they just need a bit of time to get used to the idea that their son is getting married. Good luck!
Well, my FI and I are getting married before he finishes grad school - he'll be in school for about a year and a half after we get married. His parents weren't thrilled - they wanted us to wait - but we are waiting at least until I graduate college (I'll graduate in December), and we felt like that was enough...his parents eventually accepted it and everything is fine. If you guys feel like getting married in a year and a half is the right decision for you, I think you should go for it. His parents have plenty of time to get used to the idea, and they will be happy for you once they get over it.
It is your decision and your wedding. Do what suites you! I on the other hand was the one that had a 2.5 year engagement, well 2 years for months to be exact. His mother was not happy one bit when we got engaged. His mother is one of those mothers who thinks her son can do better no matter who he is with. Well, we had to wait that long because of finances. I just turned 30 and we were not in a position to do it last year. Well, with the little extra wait we did, his mother has turned her thought around and atleast seems happy that we are getting married this December FINALLY. I did not want my marriage to start without everyone being happy.
Probably not what you wanted to hear, but I was in your spot. Engaged August 2008, married FINALLY December 2010
You'll end up married either way. Having gotten through an almost 2-year engagement, I have to say that they aren't that bad. It's great to be able to plan slowly, one thing at a time. pread the cost out too.
it's really ultimately up to you and your FI, but it's not the worst thing ever.
Thanks you guys! Im so inclined to just elope right now Im so frustrated. I just feel crapped all over; his father behaved as if this is the worst thing. We have been together almost 6 years, my gosh.
@megan215 did you find it difficult to wait?
Absolutely it was difficult. More difficult in the beginning cause I was so excited and I wanted to do everything NOW. I booked the venue in December 2008, I was able to get last years prices, which saved me a $1000 in the long run. By waiting, it gives you time to look at great deals and see what your vision is without being rushed. It is Jan and my wedding is in 11 months. Most things are done now. I hate being stressed. I got great deals on Photographers and DJs cause they had no one on the books for 2010 when I contacted them. I had time to enjoy being engaged.
Don't get me wrong I am not telling you to wait, I am just telling you what got me through. I had time to spend visualizing and getting wonderful deals. Not easy to have a $10000 budget in Philly, but all in all I am not going to far over! :)
It sounds like his parents are very concerned about the wedding potentially jeopardizing his school work. Is there anything you can do to reassure them? We did postpone our wedding until we finished grad school. It was tough planning a wedding, going to school, and a career. I am glad I gave myself extra time. Could you say that you will be doing all of the wedding planning so your FI can focus on his studies? I mean as the bride I practically planned the whole wedding with minimal involvement from the FI.
We waited until after we both finished school to get married but it really depends on you. That being said, you don't want to do something that will make his family angry at you over the long run and ruin your relationship with them. Do you think that they will be okay if you get married and then they see that he didn't fail out of school? Also, who is paying for the wedding? You can't really expect them to pay for the wedding if they don't think you should get married yet.
Waiting isn't that horrible (and allows you time to plan a lot) but it does get pretty boring at times too.
Congrats on the engagement!
we are getting married right after my fiance graduates med school and right before he starts residency. This was our decision because the timing was right for us, even though it meant a 20-month engagement. I think you need to do what you feel is right - I've seen lots of people get married during med school and they have been fine (with good planning in their schedules) but despite a long engagement and being ready to marry my fiance at any day, I don't think the extra year will change anything in a bad way for you. I know this is convoluted - I just hope it's helpful!
@Aubergold- Congrats on your engagment first of all!
I think you should do what's right for you and FI. Do you already live together? If you dont, is that a reason his parents think his school will suffer, not enough time to study? I honestly can't think of any reason why they think getting married would make him drop out of med school. I would think they know their son enough to know that he wouldn't do that! Also has his dad had issues w/you in the past? It seems so rude he doesn't acknowledge the engagement at all. UGH.
I say do what makes YOU guys happy, everyone else will either keep bitching about it or get over it!
it is very reasonable to plan a wedding and get married in med school. I've seen lots of people do it. I've even seen people have kids in med school. Do it your way if that's what you want and you can save enough to afford it. Also, most guys barely have a hand in planning a wedding. So I don't see what his parents are so worried about - it will all most likely fall to you.
Honey these people are going to hold money over your head for EVERYTHING! Now it's the wedding DATES, later it'll be what KIND of wedding, who they can invite, everything.
Get married when you want and just freakin' DO IT. He's not going to FAIL med school this far in. Especially since you're aware of the work load he'll be carrying...if you're willing to carry the heaviest loads of the wedding (i planned ours all by myself so don't let anyone tlel you it's impossible. It SO is. you just pick a place that has more things available to them at hand) without, i hate to say, bothering him too much, you'll be fine.
If you can get married without their money, I say do it...the fact that they're holding money over your heads in order to get you guys to marry when THEY want you to get married concerns me.
It sounds like for some reason, they're really holding on to your FI and wanting to exert the last bit of "control" over him before you are married. Once you are married, he's not going to need to defer to them for things - it'll be between the two of you (not that it isn't like that already, but in the mom's eyes that's probably how she sees it).
It's not easy to get married (or do anything, really!) while you are in the middle of med school, but will it be better for him to get married right afterwards? When all of his schooling is wrapping up? that's the busiest time. Just go with your gut and scale the wedding to what you can afford, that way no one can bully you into things that don't feel right for you as a couple.
I say go for what you want. My FMIL wanted us to wait until 2014 at first, then she lowered down to 2013 and finally she said she's ok with 2011 but would prefer 2012. This is after I pointed out to her, in a joking tone, that FI and I are already older then she and FFIL were when they got married. I think that helped her put it into perspective. She was pushing for 2014 for the same reason, she wanted us to both finish school. But, both FI and I pointed out that we may never know for sure when that would be (I'm going into Nursing and the waiting list is LONG like, they're putting people on the waiting list for 2012 and it's only 2010) and that we weren't really comfortable with being engaged for longer then we were dating and FI told her that he feels ready and not rushed. Maybe your FI could talk to his mom about this and help put some of their fears to rest.
I think this is more about a control issue too. Is this the first time they've acted this way toward their son or you? Are they paying for his medical school? How long has he been in med school- did he just start? I can understand a parent to be worried about focusing on school, but by the time people enter graduate school they are usually ADULTS. I would just worry that if you don't voice your opinion now and find the root of the issue, it may lead to more/bigger issues & problems later.
No way, do it the way you guys want. His parents sound ridiculous and controlling, their actions are appalling, it's like bribery on the not helping out financially or putting forth their time.......disgusting really. If you give in now think of what your future will be like with them around, always expecting to have the upper hand and for you guys to bow down. FI will graduate med school and you guys will be married on your time frame and you can show them how wrong they were, you are not little kids.
ditto the control and well i think it's your wedding your way. he's a grown man you're a grown woman. perhaps marriage ended everything for them? my mom was fairly upset when i was pregnant with my son at 20 even though i didn't live with her was on my own etc. but for her i guess parenthood ended everything as well as marriage, there was no more school, etc. i graduated college on time etc, so she know trusts my decisions. i think they are just afraid for him to lose everything he has worked so hard for AND they have probably bragged so much about. ((HUGS)) i can sort of see me as being this type of parent unfortunately lol!! i drilled in my son's head, graduate high school go to college and/or join the peace corps, at 26 travel the world, at 30 marry, at 35 have children. So this is also not in "their" plans.
Thanks so much for all of your advice guys; it's really hitting close to home.
We are completely ready to pay for a wedding ourselves so that isn't really an issue (apart from the pseudo-bribery attempt). We still dont know what we want to do but I am soaking up all of your thoughts.
We are used to them over-reacting about everthing that doesn't fit into their life plan; however I dont think we expected them to be so objectionable. They are not paying for his med school; he has a scholarship.
We weren't planning on living together before marriage b/c we didnt see it as a necessity; however, we might just move in together next year and then get married in 2012. DO you guys think this is a decent compromise?
At the end of the day, we are willing to wait if it means making it a happy family event. I think the crux of the issue is what many of you have hit upon: we can't "reward" this kind of pseudo-controlling dictating behavior. It's unhealthy for us and them and causes a lot of stress.
I think if you and your FI are both adults (meaning you do not rely on parents for financial support) then you should be able to have the wedding as you planned. I agree that a 2.5 year engagement isn't the worst thing in the world and it may be worth it so that you save the peace with your FIL's. However, it is about the marriage.
Can you maybe talk to them about how you really support FI in med school and would really support him to finish. Make sure they know that is totally part of the plan.
I am half way through a year engagement. The last 6 months I was finishing up grad school and bought a house. I did not get any wedding planning done at all and it was really stressful. Now in these last 6 months, thankfully I have more time to focus on the wedding, but I still feel rushed.
Aubergold - First of all, congratulations on your engagement!! About your issues, please allow me to offer a different perspective. My cousin and his fiance are in pretty much exactly the same boat: He is in his last year of med school. He and his now-FI have been together for about 8 years now; they got engaged to in between his third and fourth year. His parents suggested that he work for at least 2 years after that before actually getting married (which would make their engagement over 3 years). He and his fiance concluded themselves that, rather than get married while he is still in med school or right after he graduates, it makes sense to do it after he finishes his intern year. They decided this for a number of reasons, and of course everyone and their situations differ, so what is right for them may not be for you. They decided this because:
(1) His parents have a set idea of when it is "appropriate to get married". The thing to note is that they aren't doing it maliciously - they just think that he has been a student all his life and has never worked, and they feel that he should go out into the world and hold down a job for some time (basically, be a REAL adult with REAL responsibilities) before getting married. Although he thinks he is mature enough, he also secretly agrees with them that he should be fully ready to take responsibility for not just himself but his wife and their future children before getting married.
(2) He realizes that his intern year will be one of the most difficult times he will ever have. He will be working a LOT (80 hours will be a "good" week!!), and will be exhausted when he is not working. This isn't a great way to start your married life. You don't want to leave your new wife at home alone all the time, and then be too distracted or exhausted to be much company when you are around. They will be working really odd hours, too. Can you imagine him wanting to be nice and considerate and sleeping on the couch in order not to wake you at 3 a.m.? Can you imagine wanting to do the wife thing and make a beautiful dinner for him, but then having it grow cold while you wait until you fall asleep for him to come back?
(3) Money. First year interns earn NOTHING. If your FI is like most of the other med students I know, he will basically be able to support only himself (and all his student loans!) during the four years of residency. The first year will be toughest as he gets used to the very, very small budget (maybe even smaller than his student budget). Call him old-fashioned, but my cousin doesn't want to not be able to support his wife/family. He wants a year for things to settle down, and the next year, they will be in a better position to talk about how they are going to live, what their expectations are regarding their standard of living, etc.
Again, what is right for them may not be for you, and I don't know the whole story of your FI's parents' issues, but I wouldn't disregard their suggestions immediately. I know you're insanely excited about getting married (yaaay!) and it may be hard to hear what you think are naysayers raining on your parade, but I encourage you to talk with your FI and think about it a little. If it makes sense for you guys to wait a bit, it's not the biggest deal in the world. 1.5 years vs. 2.5 years? That year will go by in a flash! : )
Thanks so much Lucytoo for that perspective!
We really dont want to disregard their suggestions, which is why we are thinking so hard about this and gettting different opinions (both here and IRL). I want this to be a happy time for all, where evryone feels included and heard.
This is really a tough call. Initially, I might agree with his parents that it would be good to finish school first, but if you guys are financially able and independent, then I don't see the issue with getting married while he's still finishing up school. Especially since his parents aren't paying for his school, it's not really up to them to decide when you should be married based on his schooling. I don't think a long engagement is a bad thing, it will give you guys more time to plan and save, but I wouldn't want to do it based on his parents pushing you guys around, because then where will it stop? Perhaps you can move in together first then like you said, but his parents will probably be really against that too I think. I dont think a wedding will interfere with his school because most girls like to do a huge majority of the planning themselves. It's so hard because you want to keep the peace, I'd try to talk to them more with your FI and if they're being REASONABLE, then maybe work with them. If you think they're being completely unreasonable, then you have to make a choice. I think they would get over it.
My fiance's parents said he shouldn't get married until he was 30. Some people just have arbitrary numbers in their heads because they frankly can't deal with the loss of their kid. My fiance is also the firstborn son and I can definitely tell it grates his mother that she is no longer then #1 female in his life.
Do what feels right for you as a couple. We'll have a two year engagement by the time we're married, but it was mostly for financial reasons. If you did actually do things on their timeline, I guarantee they'd say it was never the right time.
@Aubergold:
As many others have said, I feel that they're simply holding on to the last string of control they have over him. You should set your wedding date according to your comfort level, not theirs. It seems to me as if you two haven't set any clear boundaries with your FILs.
Do you honestly (not trying to be rude), believe that they'll be happy with you two moving in during 2011 and getting married in 2012? They'll most likely find an issue with that as well. My advice is to talk to your fiance and set a date according to your comfort level. Don't feel as if you're "starting off on the wrong foot" by doing so. If anythig, they're the ones that are setting the bad grounds for your welcome into the family by being overly controlling.
Do yourself a favor and set those boundaries soon. If not, it'll spill into the rest of your lives. Otherwise, if you want to move to another state, buy a house or have a baby, they'll have an overwhelming "opinion" to share.
So FI tried to talk to them again and explain why logistically it would better for us to get married in 18 months and his parents more or less said they will cut him off unless he gets married when they want it. My FI is so upset and Im hurting for him. WE are at a loss for words..... I mean, this is serious but that is very drastic. They are willing to hurt him/us over this.
Sigh
Oh no! I'm so sorry that they reacted so badly! As many others have already said, I'm sure that this issue wouldn't go away if you waited another year: it's about the control, not about the wedding. Do his parents live near you, or is this all happening over the phone? It may be time to visit them when you both have a chance and to talk it over. I hope when they see how upset it's making you, they'll grow up. Good luck!
I'm so sorry this is happening! I myself am in a similar situation. I am in med school and we want to get married in June 2011 (will be graduating May 2012), but my parents want us to wait. They aren't happy about the fact that we want to get married before I graduate as well, because they feel like it is only "appropriate" to graduate first and complete that part of my life before getting married. My dad is open to considering it, but my mom even went as far as to tell me that I "continue to surprise her not in a good way" (the other issue is that I moved in with my FI a year ago... Which she also wasn't happy about). They currently help a little bit with room and board so I don't have to take out as many loans, but they're considering cutting me off financially if we get married before I graduate. It's a tough situation. At any rate, I don't have any answers right now and am still trying to figure it out. I wish I could help and give you answers, but I just wanted to let you know that I am a similar boat trying to work things out!! Good luck and I wish you both all the best!!
Oh my gosh, I can see where they are coming from a bit, but I find that just plain rude. Do it whenever you want to! You could tell them, "Well we were actually thinking about going and eloping this weekend." See if they are so high and mighty then. But I agree with the others. First it will start with when, then who, then how and so on. Just go with what you want to.
Ug, you are in a tough spot.
For peace, you may just want to wait. I know it stinks, but lets think about the good things:
- you can plan a kick-butt wedding!
- you won't have to rush for anything
- you will have your pick of venues
- you may be able to get some awesome deals if you can put downpayments down in the next 6 months
- pretty much any DIY project you can think of, you can do
- you can pay for the wedding and still afford fun things for yourselves that aren't wedding related (trust me, 1.5 years of no splurging on anything not wedding related kind of stinks)
- you can take your time to focus on the MARRIAGE part, not just rush for wedding stuff
I do think moving in together in a year is a decent idea. Another consideration: if FI's family is going to help pay, tell them you will marry in 2012 if they will pony up some money for downpayments NOW. Since there is a recession right now, businesses need cash. If you can give them some now, you will likely be able to negotiate a discount and lock recession prices. Just take your time, and read those contracts!
Good luck. It sounds like you have a great guy, if crazy FILs.
I think that if his parents are still so involved in his life that they could conceivably "cut him off" if you got married before their date, then he may not really be self sufficient at this time.
Thanks guys! shu shu you have to let me know what you decide! Sounds like we are in the same boat. Do you have a cut-off date for making a final decision?
WHen I say cut him off I mean emotionally and support-wise, which IMO is WORSE than financial. She said they will not come and other people wont' come. That is not rational to me at all.
We've decided to take a break from thinking about it for now.
Quick question: How is your relationship with the family? Do they object to him marrying on your timeline or to him marrying YOU? I ask because you said that FIL said don't propose. If they don't like you, then no amount of waiting is going to mend that broken relationship. If its the timing, sit down and talk with both sets of parents. Discuss like adults and see if you can make them acquiesce to your date or come up with a compromise.
I think you're being very considerate in this situation, especially given how unreasonable they seem to be acting. There are a lot of red flags here. Like his dad telling him not to propose - why? What's his reasoning? Also, the things his mother said are concerning. You said that she "insinuated that they would not give money or time towards the wedding (outside of a gift) unless we wait 2.5 years" and "because it is her first son; we need to do it the right way, i.e., their way." And now saying they'll cut him off? This is really controlling behavior, and it seems like it's about more than just the wedding. Have his parents been controlling in the past? Do they try to control other aspects of your life now? I can understand your desire to want things to start off on the right foot (which is really kind), but if this all boils down to them not wanting their son to grow up and get married, you ultimately won't be able to give them what they want anyway.
This is such a difficult situation. Personally, I would try to explain your point of view to them (or have FI explain it), but in the end, you should do what's right for you and your FI. They shouldn't be trying to bully you, and it probably won't end here if this is about a larger issue.
For some reason I feel the need to update this lol.
We decided to go ahead and wait until May 2012 for the wedding and perhaps live together next year.
The rents said they absolutely will not attend or support a 2011 wedding. We felt it was a waste of our own money to come out of our pockets and have a wedding with no happiness or support; otherwise, we might as well elope.
The only "compromise", if you can call it that, is that they are paying for 100% of the wedding expenses and paying for rehearsal dinner, engagement party, and a wedding planner. The only thing is that they have made it clear that it will be "their wedding"; in other words his mom is going to plan everything and we will just show up.
I guess we are giving into their blackmail; but we will like we are in between a rock and a hard place.
What are you gonna do, ya know? im just gonna have them pay for all my bridesmaids dresses, hair, and make-up as well, lol
Thanks all you guys for your words of wisdom and support!!
At the end of the day, you will be married to the love of your life and will not have to incur any financial debt for it!
Absolutely not fair, but there's always a bright side to every situation :)
That doesn't sound like a great solution for you. I would elope, his parents do not sound healthy. Did he used to have a good realtionship with them? What's the point of having a big wedding instead of eloping if someone else who is really different from you gets to pick everything?
Gocubbies, thanks for those words, I keep trying to repeat them to myself.
Arachna, I really have no clue. We were actually all really close until this whole fiasco. It was funny, after we came to the "agreement", his mom was all of a sudden like "Im cant wait till the wedding, I love you like a daughter!" I was like WTF!
Im just too tired to fight anymore.
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