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Oh bees, do you ever wish you could go back in time and fix things?
If you remember from my other post http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mil-adding-last-minute-guests-insist-she-pays-for-them my FMIL has been adding on to the guest list at the last minute, when me and my family are paying for the vast majority of the wedding. This evening I called her and asked if she could track down a couple of people that I had not gotten RSVPs for. She then proceeded to tell me that another family friend was planning on bringing their children. I told her "no." I caved for the children of family members- I ok'ed my cousin who lives like 350 miles away from me to bring her two children, and ok'ed my FI cousin's three children, since they also aren't local, but I really have to draw the line somewhere, since I had never intended to have children at the wedding in the first place (all of our friends who have children have told us that they were looking foward to a child-free evening, so I wasn't anticipating this to be such a big issue.) She then proceeded me to guilt trip me about not letting the kids come, and then I asked her if she was going to help pay for all these extras. She then blew up at me, and hung up. I had my FI call her back and then she told him how she wasn't going to come to the wedding anymore, and how she wasn't happy for him getting married, and that he would have to choose between her and me.
My FI is going to try and talk some sense into her tomorrow, but if she says "no" to attending the wedding, my fiance wants to call the whole thing off, since he doesn't want to get married without her there. I'm really depressed because I've been working so hard for the past 9 months on this wedding (lots and lots of DIY) and if I had to call people and tell them that the wedding was off, I would be so embarassed I would die. We would probably still get married, but it would only be at the courthouse. Even though I originally wanted to elope, I've spent all this time and money, that I want my wedding now, dammit. I love my dress, I really want to wear it.
I really wish I could take things back. I'm just really concerned about money, and pinching every penny possible because I don't make very much ($10/hour- yay retail!) and my dad had been unemployed for several years now, so he doesn't have a lot of money either. The fact that he's contributing anything to the wedding is incredibly generous, especially after he bought me a car after my other one died so I could continue to work. I've also been really stressed out with the wedding around the corner, working extra hours in addition to my regular job for (unpaid) externship and I know I'm due for my period as well (sorry TMI).
Help bees! I just don't know what to do. I'm planning on writing an appology letter for my FI to give to her tomorrow. Our relationship is already really rocky, but if I have to cancel the wedding, I don't think I will ever forgive her or talk to her again.
Think of it this way. Do you REALLY want to marry someone who is choosing his mother over you? Maybe counseling would not be a bad idea, even if you do have to postpone. This situation is crappy, but your FMIL is a manipulator and your hubby-to-be is NOT helping. He should be siding with you and defending your relationship.
I totally agree with StatutoryGrape. Your FI should be siding with you; not his mother. He needs to be the one to put his foot down. In my opinion, I think you should postpone the wedding and get couples counseling. His mother seems very controlling and manipulative and if she is this way now, just imagine how she will be once you are married.
@Statutory Grape: He says he wants to marry me still (I gave him my engagement ring back a little while ago, but he insisted that I put it back on) but doesn't want a big ceremony- just a courthouse one, because he doesn't feel it would be right without his mother there, and I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to get married in a "big" (70 people-big) ceremony without my parents either.
@kokuu: Yeah, but his actions say otherwise, hon. :( He's still siding with her over you, and it's not going to get better after the wedding unless you two get into some couples counseling.
Hell. No.
I would call it off alright, but forever.
No way would I put up with that -- you'll be put second (or worse) for life.
Statutory Grape is right.
I can't stand men who are in love with their mothers!! (Sorry, I know it's a little extreme but I know someone like this and I'm frustrated for you).
His mother is being unreasonable and if he doesn't see that, I don't think he deserves you.
Well hopefully he isnt serious about calling the whole thing off. He is probably just emotional. Youre going to be his family now. You will be is number 1 from the day you are married on. I am sure he will come around. And shame on your FMIL. MIL need some sort of handbook. Geez. Luckily my MIL is nice and she doesnt speak English well so even if she doesnt like me I would never know.
It is sad that his mom wont be there but dont let that bring you down. This is about you and your husband commiting your lifes to one another. You think he wants to commit his life to his mom? Um I hope not if that is the other choice. His mom did say "its between me and your fiance"
I would get married without my parents there. I want friends and family there that are going to support my marriage not be destructive.
What baffles me is that he wouldn't want a wedding unless his mother's in it. He's not getting married to his mother, though, and that needs to stop if your relationship with him goes anything past what it is now.
But taking off your ring...I would've done the same, but kept it off regardless of what he's said. He's hurt you in ways that he's yet to comprehend. It's not fair to you at all.
And she does NOT need an apology. She should be apologizing to you. You should be the main woman in his life at this point and if you're not, he'll never grow up.
His mother is using her threat as leverage to get what she wants. I highly doubt she actually would go through with it.
I'd encourage your FI to stand firm and let her know that you will be his wife, and you will come first. What FMIL chooses to do as a result is her own decision and it's her responsibility. Nobody can MAKE her not turn up--that was her choice.
She may go ballistic when FI stands up to her, but the sooner she gets that idea the better. Maybe you could practise beforehand?
Be prepared for a lot of pressure though and if your FI refuses to stand up to her, or cannot... honestly, you are better off postponing the wedding, until FI learns how to stand up to his mother. If he cannot, then much as it will hurt you at the time, leave. Otherwise you're looking at a lifetime of coming second in your man's life... and it will hurt much worse in the long run.
!!!
Ummm, if you are telling it exactly how it is, then your man better check himself! Seriously!
That women is being unreasonable! And to throw a hissy fit like that is ridiculous! I know you want to protect you FI, but he should be standing up for you! No questions asked! You were not being unreasonable.
Sounds like your future MIL is trying to let you who is in charge...
IMO your FI and future MIL should be profusely apologizing to you!
I really hope everything works of for you!
I don't even know you and I am soo mad!
His mother is being ridiculous. And he is out of line for supporting her and her foolishness. Good luck on trying to work this out. I dont know that I would apologie cuz i dont see what you did wrong...but unless its due to budget or space, i would kjust let the kids come because youve already allowed other kids to attend so in some people's eyes its not "fair".....but she is most definately being ridiulous. With that being said, you and FI may need to have a talk and see how he feels vs how you feel about parents future involvement in life decisioins IMO.
GOOD LUCK!!!
Whoa um is he like in love with his momma or you? Um like are you the future wife or is she? Choose between her or you? Um whoa. I would get out of this one. Because how many more times is he going to choose her over you in the future? Time for that man to cut the umbilical cord, you know? I would leave..take yourself on a nice trip to Hawaii or something..to heck with all of that drama!
whoa whoa whoa kokuu, why are you apologising?? Don't apologise to that woman, you have done nothing wrong. She's adding people to the guest list and you have asked if she is willing to pay for them. She overreacted.
And it sounds like your man is a momma's boy. Big fat red flag. Do you really want someone who goes running to his mommy every time she gets upset? This is not a good start.
Do not let them steamroll you. This is your wedding day and your unemployed dad is using his savings to pay for it. They should have more respect for him and your family than this. And your man has a lot to answer for too - running off to his mommy when she was clearly having a tantrum. She's bluffing and he will have seen her do this before, and he's toadying to her!
Trust me, you don't wanna go down this route, not without counselling. And even then....
Don't you apologise, you've done nothing wrong. And tell your guy to man up. You're his family now.
@MrsWall2B: it's not unfair for her to say no. She's already invited everyone she wants to and now her FI's mom is adding more people to the list. They weren't invited in the first place. Once you reach capacity you have to say no, regardless of adult or child :)
@cliffette: I agree with you. OP, I'd be willing to bet some dollars that if your FI had said, "Fine, I choose my fiancee' but I still hope you'll be at the wedding. Your choice." and hung up, his Mom would be crawling back on her hands and knees.
You're both giving this woman a tremendous amount of power over your lives and if she gets her way and you both come grovelling back, you can bet this won't be the last time she pulls a stunt like this.
I totally get your FI doesn't want to get married without his Mom there but SHE is the one making the choice not to be there - not either of you. Maybe let your man read this thread - it might open his eyes a little?
Good luck!
I have to disagree with the majority vote here - I can understand where your fiance is coming from! And I don't think it's that he's choosing his mother over you, it's that he's embarrased and upset about her behavior, and was probably reacting from a lot of emotions.
Just because his dramatic mother called for an ultimatum doesn't mean you two need to give in to that. She's going to be your mother, she is the mother of the man you love. Yes, she is also being crazy, but don't weddings make everyone more crazy than usual?
I honestly feel like calling things off 17 days ahead of 10 days ahead is NOT a lot of difference, so you two DO have some time to calm down and rationally discuss your options with one another. And time to let her calm down, remind her that she is an important part of your lives, that you are considering cancelling the whole wedding if she will not attend and getting married at the courthouse instead (i.e. giving up the party, not giving up each other).
Do I think you need to apologize to her? I guess that depends on how exactly it all went down, what words and tone you used to tell her no, and how you then asked her to contribute. If I were stressed and my mom (my FMIL would never pull this, but my mom might) had done this, I definitely would have snapped and lashed out at in her in a really disrespectful way, and would need to apologize, although I would still hope for an apology from her as well.
It's tough, because you can't demand that someone feel bad for something, and you can't force a genuine apology. All you can do is love that person as unconditionally as you can, recognizing that she is an important part of your/your husband's life. Holding a grudge or being rude in return will just set an uncomfortable precedent for the future - and by that I mean the rest of your lives. Why not do all you can to make things right (even if it means being the bigger person and the adult in this situation) and set a precedent of love and maturity, instead of fighting and manipulation?
Bottom line: You and your FI need to figure out together what your response will be, and then the two of you need to go to her with a united front. You will be her daughter, and she needs to start seeing and respecting you as such, and she needs to understand that she cannot make the two of you turn on each other by emotional manipulation. The two of you are on the same side.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Honestly, we don't always know how things work, so I am not going to sit here and tell you to leave him.
However, I think you two should seriously talk about whether or not he really means he wants you to call off the wedding, because I think that's a pretty ridiculous request. The only reason it would make sense to call it off is because you truly don't want to be together or some tragic event has happened. Other than that, you're so close - if you love each other, you should make it work!
I agree with the majority though...that boys got some 'splainin to do! I cannot stand it when guys are so wimpy and goo goo with their mothers, it's kinda pathetic. This is what you want and what you've been working hard at, and if he just wants to throw it away that easily because of his unreasonable mother - then there are problems there. In the end, he will regret it, as will you...and his mom will probably regret having you call it off (if she has any heart in her)
Good luck.
first off, his mom is wayyyyyy out of line. I mean, unless you were really rude to her about it, you have no reason to apologize to her. Sounds like she's just trying to control the situation. While I understand him not wanting to get married without his mom there, he should be putting you and your relationship first, considering in 16 days you and him will be each others family. I would talk to your FI and explain to him that he hurt you and explain that she is just trying to control the situation and get what she wants. If he stands up to her and calls her bluff then just maybe she'll come to her senses and realize that she doesn't hold the cards. All in all, someone needs to stand up to her because that is not good to go. It's her choice whether she wants to be there or not, and IMO I only want people at my wedding who support our wedding and being together for the rest of our lives.
I think its your FI that needs to give her that reality check, if it doesnt happen now, then you will make yourself sick dealing with this kind of crap for the rest of your life, and you do not deserve that. It'll only put strain on your relationship later.
Good Luck! Whats meant to be will always find a way. If your wedding gets called off, then in the big scheme of things it was probably for a reason. I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I hope everything works out for you.
I agree with Daydreamwanderer. Also, it doesn't sound like he's running to his mom so much as trying to be a peacemaker. Who wouldn't want their mother at their wedding if they at least have a decent relationship with her?
To the OP: Have you ever approached her before about contributing money? The way I read the post made it seem like you got frustrated and snapped at her and she did the same but in a much more emotional way. I'd suggest all three of you sitting down and discussing things rationally.
Why would you WANT her there is my question after how she has been. The wedding is about you and him, not her, if he can't get married without his mom being there because of HER behavior then there is a serious issues. My MIL RSVP that she was not coming to wedding and only changed her mind 2 weeks before, my then FI had no intentions of calling off OUR wedding because of her and her issues, yeah it sucked and hurt, but any mother that can say they aren't coming to their childs wedding has issues IMO. If she doesn't want to attend that is her problem, not yours. Why should you put aside your future and your wedding because of her. You should not have to write her an apology either, you did nothing wrong. If she wants to keep adding to the list, then she is going to have to pay for it, and also honor your wishes of no kids, if she can't then oh well, she doesn't come. Your FI needs to be there for you, and like everyone said, should be siding with you, you are going to be his wife, if he isn't doing that now and saying he wants to call the wedding off, after all the money you and YOUR family have put into it becaus of his controling Mom, that is signs for a serious problem in the future.
I'm so sorry - the whole thing just sounds like a mess. *hugs*
Well, first things first - your FI needs to be addressing his mother's behavior, not you. You're not married yet, you're still the "outsider" as it were, and HE needs to be the one to tell her that she overstepped her boundaries. If you choose to apologize because you were emotional and rude when you told her she needed to financially contribute (and I've no idea if you actually were or not) then you need to apologize for the manner in which you said it, but in NO way for what you said. But...you do not need to apologize first. She does; she's behaving like a child.
That brings me to the second point. She's acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum and all of the PP that said if you two give in then she'll do it for the REST OF YOUR LIVES are completely correct. People do what works. You two both need to establish boundaries with her at the beginning of your marriage. If you give in now and literally give her the power to dictate the decisions you two make, she'll keep doing it. Also, I know you said you understand him not wanting to get married without her there, but you two need it to be about BOTH of you, not just him. Once again, as others have said, you will be his wife and you will come FIRST. End of story.
I know weddings make perfectly respectable people a certain type of unreasonable, but a definite sit-down with your FI is required.
I totally agree with daydreamwanderer. I don't think it sounds like he is choosing his mom in any way, he is just trying to be the peacemaker. And while technically you are in the right, it doesn't mean you shouldn't apologize--she is your FMIL and your FI's mom and it isn't worth it to start your marriage off as mortal enemies. It sounds like she is just being super dramatic, and I'm sure once your FI talks to her she will calm down and will come to the wedding. I would hate to see you throw away all your hard work (and hard-earned money). Just give her a few days to cool off. You're clearly never going to be best friends with this woman, but by being the bigger person and apologizing, at least you can keep up a cordial relationship.
Good luck! Please let us know how things go in the next few days.
I wouldn't call off the wedding just yet. Its likely your sweetie just reacted emotionally and ( I would hope) will come to his senses and continue with plans with the actual wedding and not reinforce his mother's behavior. Her behavior reminds me a lot of a child throwing a tantrum, if she isn't going to get her way, she's going to flop on the floor, scream, cry and not budge. Do not react to the tantrum by throwing a fit yourself. Give her some time/space, (a day or two for her) then take her aside to discuss the issue. Do not give in (reinforce) a tantrum, or she will learn it's what she needs to do to get her way in the future. I seriously doubt she actually wants to miss her own son's wedding, and I bet she's regretting yelling that even now. Help her save some face and move beyond the arguments by letting her know you two care about her, and that you'd still love to have her at the actual wedding, but her decision to participate or not is hers. You'll need hubby to bes back up on this one, but a united front can move mountains if he's game. I hope things work out for you!
I agree that he's not picking his mom over you, and just trying to keep the peace in the family. But I would be upset with him for even thinking about calling off the wedding that you put so much work into.
I'm sorry you're stuck here. I agree with PP that you need to have a long talk withh your fiance and ask him his priorities. Not with ultimatums, mind, it's just a conversation that needs to be had. I'll be crossing my fingers for a happy ending for you!
@tobin: "This is your wedding day and your unemployed dad is using his savings to pay for it. They should have more respect for him and your family than this."
Seriously! What is the difference between the courts or the "full shebang." At this point? A lot of wasted money. Not only for you, but for people who have bought plane tickets and hotel rooms. Not only your dad is putting out, but a family of 5 is traveling in? That's going to cost them at least $300 at the cheapes possible and to a family of 5 that's huge.
They both need to have more respect for your family and guests. What is the purpose of calling off the wedding? Nothing. If she doesn't come that's her own issue and one SHE will have to deal with, not you or him.
I think your FI is wrong to threaten to call it off.. hasnt he seen how hard you have worked and all the DIY projects you have done? I used to wrk for $10 and it takes a long time to save. I think its an insult to all your effort for him to even threaten that. He would only be justified if you disrespected his mom by saying abusive things to her, and from what u told us, you didnt do that. So then why do u need to apologise? This wedding should be about YOU and FI, not his mom or anyone else. I believe in givin in-laws full respect BUT that doesnt mean i'll be a pushover or let them run my wedding. She is in the wrong and so is FI. You should really talk to him and make him understand this, but honestly he should be able to see this without you explaining it. If he blindly supports his mom in every argument then you have a looooooooooooooooooooong marriage ahead of you.
I haven't read everyone's responses yet, but just wanted to say...I've been divorced because my ex-husband couldn't ever put me first to his mom and family. It just destroyed us. He was, still is, a great man, but I could no longer live like that. We fought ALL the time because of his mom and his inability to stand up to her and stick up for us. It's very sad. And now he's all alone with no one but his family and I'm getting remarried. I'm very sad for him. And it was sad for our families to go through the divorce as well. I highly suggest that you get this issue taken care of before you are legally bound.
I think your FI needs to be reminded of all of the people he is going to be woefully inconveniencing because he can't stand up to mommy. All of the family and friends flying in, all of the money that's been spent thus far, all to appease a grown ass woman doing nothing more than throwing a childish temper tantrum.
I vehemently disagree with all the posters saying he's not choosing his mother over you. That's exactly what he's doing by even thinking about cancelling the entire wedding this late in the game after so many people have invested so much time, effort and money into making this wedding happen. All because mommy is pitching a hissy. How is giving in to her tantrum and seriously considering calling off the wedding playing peacemaker? He's seriously risking jeopardizing his relationship with not only you, but your family and friends so as to not anger the beast any more than it already is. Peacemaker with who, exactly? From my end, looks like all he's doing is kissing his mother's ass so she'll go to the wedding, all of you be damned.
FI and mommy both need to grow up and start acting like adults. At this point, they're both acting like spoiled, selfish infants. Wonder where he gets it from? I swear, if you apologize to this....child...I will go down to San Diego and punch you in the face! (Okay, I'm totally kidding but I am so crazy pissed at this situation for you!)
It will deifnitely be a fight for the rest of her life at least.. sounds like she will ALWAYS come first
Please do not apologize. You have done nothing wrong. If you back down now she will walk all over you until the end of time.
FMIL sounds like a HUGE manipulator!!! I went back and read the other post. She put down a deposit for a house rental for you to pawn off FBIL and his junker vehicles to you. And now has already invited additional people to your wedding-last minute!!! Whoa!! And your FI wants to cancel your big wedding because she's thrown a hissy fit because you asked her to pay up for the extra guests that she's invited last minute!!-that neither you nor your family can afford to accomodate!!! At the least, she is being very rude!!! I'd be VERY leary about getting married at this point!!! It sounds like all she has to do is throw a hissy fit-and your FI will do anything she wants. You better make sure it is YOU who is coming first in his life-like RIGHT NOW!!! If not, I would RUN not walk away!!! Because do you want her making every decision within your marriage, and with your children??? If FI doesn't side with you-I don't think I would stick with him at this point!!! You don't want a life-time of this!!!
Good luck!
I have to agree with lezlers. I was in a very similar relationship and it caused the ultimate demise of us. I ignored the red flags and wasted 4 years of my life on trying to appease her to save face with him. I made myself miserable.
In case the opposers that think that he is "just keeping the peace" are right...both of you talk to the pastor that is officiating the wedding. I assure you he will offer the best advice and not for $100.00/HR since you are on a tight budget.
I truly believe this is just the beginning of her bad behavior and you have a long road to haul. Since he is probably used to this from her, he doesn't know better and a third party may help him see how truly wrong he is for even thinking about cancelling and disrespecting the hard work you and your father have put into this.
As a fellow bride dealing with a FMIL from HELL my heart goes out to you! There are just some of those women in life who are used to being in control. Now that your FMIL is dealing with another well-organized woman (DIY-er!) in her son's life she's probably having a meltdown because she's not used to having to face this type of situation. Most likely her son and husband have always done things HER way and now that she isn't getting her way she's acting like a child.
From personal experience I can say I know it really isn't easy dealing with this type of situation. My FMIL has threaten not to attend the wedding three times now! She's just been using it as leverage over us because now her son (my FI) is more dependent on me for extra help in life rather than her so she has nothing else to hold over our heads. I'm guessing the situtation is similar for you.
The whole time I've just been as respectful as I can be, but I've certainly held my ground. The situation has really gotten really out of hand at times.. I've even recieved phone calls from her along the lines of "listen little girl you don't want to mess with me..." my reply was "I honestly think you're being really inappropriate and we'll have to talk at another time." As hard as it is to be the bigger person and to hold your ground you really need to. It's your wedding and her son is going to be your husband.
I know personally I've had this fear that she will hate me forever, but that fear was driving her to make things worse the whole time. At first I backed off and let her be in control thinking that this was the way to her heart...well boy was I wrong! She continued to walk more and more over me and things just got to a terrible place. Finally I stood my ground and made it clear that I will not have my FI's "mommy" running my life. You need to take control now or think of what things are going to be like when she has an opinion about say....her grandchildren? God I can only imagine!
One thing I've really learnt and I will pass on to you is this: If she really truely cares for her son she isn't going to make him unhappy by not attending your wedding. Even my godzilla FMIL has finally come to her senses, so I am sure that will the right attitude, respectfulness, and assertive language you CAN concure this sticky situation.
Go forward with your wedding...live YOUR life!! Good luck :)
Threatening not at attend a wedding and following through are two different things. I would be willing to make a bet that if you do not cancel the wedding, FMIL will show up! How could she not go and see her little boy get married? As for your FI wanting to cancel the wedding cos his Mommy threw a tantrum, well that would be a GIANT RED FLAG. Marriage is more than a wedding, you are going to have to deal with these people for a long time and IMO, your husband and you should be a team.
Let me be clear with you... your fiance is a Momma's Boy. Some people are just fine with this. It's not a judgement, it's a fact. But you need to make a decision. You need to decide whether or not you're okay with his mother always coming before you. If that's fine, then let him postpone the wedding. If you're not okay with that, then leave now.
Personally, I wouldn't be okay with it. The man I'm marrying needs to put me before anyone else. It should be his needs, then my needs, then the rest of the family. And if I knew for sure that would never happen? I'd be out of there.
Personally, I would tell him that if he really wants to marry you, then he can do it in 17 days. If he doesn't do it then, he won't be getting another chance. Period.
I would personally consider holding off on marrying him at all if he is really choosing his mother over you, especially given how crazy she is being. I could understand if she had a legitimate rational reason for not coming but she's just being bratty and totally manipulative. You are facing a lifetime of this if you go through with your courthouse wedding. It will be her first win, followed by many more. I also wouldn't apologize to her, this is really a job for your FH, he has to be the one to stand up to her.
Good luck!
If the wedding is called off because she wont attend then she is getting control. She should not be adding all these people especially if she is not paying for it. You Fi should stand up to her and tell her that he wants her to be there but that you will be getting married with or without her - i bet you she shows up. But the only way she can get away with being (as moderndaisy said) bratty and manipulative is if you FI lets her get away with it. You FI should be understanding to your situation with the financing and planning- I would be irate if my FI had suggested canceling the wedding - i would tell him it's now or never.
My friend had problems with her bf mom a lot and when her bf finally said look mom this is my gf im not going to put up with this you need to deal with it and stop acting this way-- well she stopped (a majority of it did - there is still some tension but at least the acting out stopped)
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