Post # 1
Oh bees, do you ever wish you could go back in time and fix things?
If you remember from my other post http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mil-adding-last-minute-guests-insist-she-pays-for-them my FMIL has been adding on to the guest list at the last minute, when me and my family are paying for the vast majority of the wedding. This evening I called her and asked if she could track down a couple of people that I had not gotten RSVPs for. She then proceeded to tell me that another family friend was planning on bringing their children. I told her “no.” I caved for the children of family members- I ok’ed my cousin who lives like 350 miles away from me to bring her two children, and ok’ed my FI cousin’s three children, since they also aren’t local, but I really have to draw the line somewhere, since I had never intended to have children at the wedding in the first place (all of our friends who have children have told us that they were looking foward to a child-free evening, so I wasn’t anticipating this to be such a big issue.) She then proceeded me to guilt trip me about not letting the kids come, and then I asked her if she was going to help pay for all these extras. She then blew up at me, and hung up. I had my FI call her back and then she told him how she wasn’t going to come to the wedding anymore, and how she wasn’t happy for him getting married, and that he would have to choose between her and me.
My FI is going to try and talk some sense into her tomorrow, but if she says “no” to attending the wedding, my fiance wants to call the whole thing off, since he doesn’t want to get married without her there. I’m really depressed because I’ve been working so hard for the past 9 months on this wedding (lots and lots of DIY) and if I had to call people and tell them that the wedding was off, I would be so embarassed I would die. We would probably still get married, but it would only be at the courthouse. Even though I originally wanted to elope, I’ve spent all this time and money, that I want my wedding now, dammit. I love my dress, I really want to wear it.
I really wish I could take things back. I’m just really concerned about money, and pinching every penny possible because I don’t make very much ($10/hour- yay retail!) and my dad had been unemployed for several years now, so he doesn’t have a lot of money either. The fact that he’s contributing anything to the wedding is incredibly generous, especially after he bought me a car after my other one died so I could continue to work. I’ve also been really stressed out with the wedding around the corner, working extra hours in addition to my regular job for (unpaid) externship and I know I’m due for my period as well (sorry TMI).
Help bees! I just don’t know what to do. I’m planning on writing an appology letter for my FI to give to her tomorrow. Our relationship is already really rocky, but if I have to cancel the wedding, I don’t think I will ever forgive her or talk to her again.
Post # 3
Think of it this way. Do you REALLY want to marry someone who is choosing his mother over you? Maybe counseling would not be a bad idea, even if you do have to postpone. This situation is crappy, but your FMIL is a manipulator and your hubby-to-be is NOT helping. He should be siding with you and defending your relationship.
Post # 4
I totally agree with StatutoryGrape. Your FI should be siding with you; not his mother. He needs to be the one to put his foot down. In my opinion, I think you should postpone the wedding and get couples counseling. His mother seems very controlling and manipulative and if she is this way now, just imagine how she will be once you are married.
Post # 5
@Statutory Grape: He says he wants to marry me still (I gave him my engagement ring back a little while ago, but he insisted that I put it back on) but doesn’t want a big ceremony- just a courthouse one, because he doesn’t feel it would be right without his mother there, and I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to get married in a “big” (70 people-big) ceremony without my parents either.
Post # 6
@kokuu: Yeah, but his actions say otherwise, hon. 🙁 He’s still siding with her over you, and it’s not going to get better after the wedding unless you two get into some couples counseling.
Post # 7
I would call it off alright, but forever.
No way would I put up with that — you’ll be put second (or worse) for life.
Statutory Grape is right.
Post # 8
I can’t stand men who are in love with their mothers!! (Sorry, I know it’s a little extreme but I know someone like this and I’m frustrated for you).
His mother is being unreasonable and if he doesn’t see that, I don’t think he deserves you.
Post # 9
Well hopefully he isnt serious about calling the whole thing off. He is probably just emotional. Youre going to be his family now. You will be is number 1 from the day you are married on. I am sure he will come around. And shame on your FMIL. MIL need some sort of handbook. Geez. Luckily my MIL is nice and she doesnt speak English well so even if she doesnt like me I would never know.
It is sad that his mom wont be there but dont let that bring you down. This is about you and your husband commiting your lifes to one another. You think he wants to commit his life to his mom? Um I hope not if that is the other choice. His mom did say “its between me and your fiance”
I would get married without my parents there. I want friends and family there that are going to support my marriage not be destructive.
Post # 10
What baffles me is that he wouldn’t want a wedding unless his mother’s in it. He’s not getting married to his mother, though, and that needs to stop if your relationship with him goes anything past what it is now.
But taking off your ring…I would’ve done the same, but kept it off regardless of what he’s said. He’s hurt you in ways that he’s yet to comprehend. It’s not fair to you at all.
And she does NOT need an apology. She should be apologizing to you. You should be the main woman in his life at this point and if you’re not, he’ll never grow up.
Post # 11
His mother is using her threat as leverage to get what she wants. I highly doubt she actually would go through with it.
I’d encourage your FI to stand firm and let her know that you will be his wife, and you will come first. What FMIL chooses to do as a result is her own decision and it’s her responsibility. Nobody can MAKE her not turn up–that was her choice.
She may go ballistic when FI stands up to her, but the sooner she gets that idea the better. Maybe you could practise beforehand?
Be prepared for a lot of pressure though and if your FI refuses to stand up to her, or cannot… honestly, you are better off postponing the wedding, until FI learns how to stand up to his mother. If he cannot, then much as it will hurt you at the time, leave. Otherwise you’re looking at a lifetime of coming second in your man’s life… and it will hurt much worse in the long run.
Post # 12
Ummm, if you are telling it exactly how it is, then your man better check himself! Seriously!
That women is being unreasonable! And to throw a hissy fit like that is ridiculous! I know you want to protect you FI, but he should be standing up for you! No questions asked! You were not being unreasonable.
Sounds like your future MIL is trying to let you who is in charge…
IMO your FI and future MIL should be profusely apologizing to you!
I really hope everything works of for you!
I don’t even know you and I am soo mad!
Post # 13
His mother is being ridiculous. And he is out of line for supporting her and her foolishness. Good luck on trying to work this out. I dont know that I would apologie cuz i dont see what you did wrong…but unless its due to budget or space, i would kjust let the kids come because youve already allowed other kids to attend so in some people’s eyes its not “fair”…..but she is most definately being ridiulous. With that being said, you and FI may need to have a talk and see how he feels vs how you feel about parents future involvement in life decisioins IMO.
Post # 14
Whoa um is he like in love with his momma or you? Um like are you the future wife or is she? Choose between her or you? Um whoa. I would get out of this one. Because how many more times is he going to choose her over you in the future? Time for that man to cut the umbilical cord, you know? I would leave..take yourself on a nice trip to Hawaii or something..to heck with all of that drama!
Post # 15
whoa whoa whoa kokuu, why are you apologising?? Don’t apologise to that woman, you have done nothing wrong. She’s adding people to the guest list and you have asked if she is willing to pay for them. She overreacted.
And it sounds like your man is a momma’s boy. Big fat red flag. Do you really want someone who goes running to his mommy every time she gets upset? This is not a good start.
Do not let them steamroll you. This is your wedding day and your unemployed dad is using his savings to pay for it. They should have more respect for him and your family than this. And your man has a lot to answer for too – running off to his mommy when she was clearly having a tantrum. She’s bluffing and he will have seen her do this before, and he’s toadying to her!
Trust me, you don’t wanna go down this route, not without counselling. And even then….
Don’t you apologise, you’ve done nothing wrong. And tell your guy to man up. You’re his family now.
Post # 16
@MrsWall2B: it’s not unfair for her to say no. She’s already invited everyone she wants to and now her FI’s mom is adding more people to the list. They weren’t invited in the first place. Once you reach capacity you have to say no, regardless of adult or child 🙂