19 days before our wedding and this happens. What do I do?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
844 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

You’re considering cancelling the wedding because he SPOKE to someone else? If the context of their conversation wasn’t dirty, didn’t mention them meeting up or referencing when they used to ‘spend time’ together, then I really don’t see the big deal.

 

Don’t worry about it. But if it really worries you, just ask him. You can’t make any conclusions unless you hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, right?

But i

Post # 4
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

To me it would come down to how many times things like this have happened. If this is a one time incident, I would ask him about it and see what he says. If he opens up and is honest about sending the message  I think it is forgiveable. If he tries to lie or cover it up, I would have to sit back and seriously consider whether this will he an ongoing problem or something I want to deal with continuously.

Post # 5
Member
474 posts
Helper bee

Yikes…

You two have clearly discussed where to draw the line in terms of speaking to exes, or previous hookups. You’re okay with speaking to them as long as either of you have not initiated it first, which is more than most girls here would be okay with (myself included). 

You’ll find that most bees will say what bothers them about this isn’t him talking to her, it’s the fact that he’s trying to hide it from you. If it were innocent, then why try to cover up the conversation? 

Why is he trying to reach out to her in the first place? Especially just weeks from your wedding. 

Thank goodness she has some common decency and didn’t respond. Now maybe I’m reading too much into this, but maybe her not responding is another indication that even she thinks it’s inappropriate. 

I don’t think it sounds like he’s cheating, but he’s definitely looking for trouble. Every time you read a story on here about a husband/fiance/boyfriend cheating they always start out like this. So, I’d just keep my eyes open. And keep those communication lines open. There’s no reason he should be hiding things from you.

You have to talk to him about it.

Post # 7
Member
873 posts
Busy bee

I think canceling the wedding would be a way over-reaction. Just talk to him, he didn’t say anything bad, he just said hello. FInd out why he did it before jumping to such drastic measures.

Post # 9
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

If this is an ongoing problem you should talk to him about it. I would try not to jump to conclusions yet though. 

 

Post # 10
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

The bigger issue is not so much this one, isolated incident, but his habit of behaving in a way that’s inappropriate and which he knows you are not happy about. So I wouldn’t necessarily cancel the wedding on the basis of this particular exchange on Facebook but I would be asking myself whether I was happy to be marrying someone who was prepared to behave disrespectfully and not particularly care. So you are right to be concerned. 

Post # 11
Member
11002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I hate to raise a scenario that may not be true. However, it is possible there have been other messages between them prior to the one that you found that your FI may subsequently have deleted. It’s possible that this is a new conversation that he recently started, and, because she had not yet responded, he had not yet deleted it.

I think you need to ask him how often he has been communicating with her, and why, and see how he responds.

Post # 12
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@VeeeVeee:  Talking about it is a good idea. See if he gets defensive. I’d be concerned if he did, and even more concerned if he tries to somehow make you feel guilty for checking. How long ago did he message her? 

Post # 13
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ugh! Sorry you have to deal with this.

Usually, I’m a fan o sublety. But if this has been an on-going problem for him and you, I think I would sit him down and have a frank discussion about the disappearing message!

Post # 14
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@VeeeVeee:  i would talk to him about it.  very calmly and maturely.  tell him that you saw the message and now it’s gone.  ask him why; where did it go?  i think it’s important to tell him how this makes you feel.

Post # 15
Member
474 posts
Helper bee

@VeeeVeee:  Your concerns are completely valid considering this isn’t a one time thing. On one hand, you don’t want to just ignore the signs in case it really is a bigger issue. On the other, you don’t want to do anything drastic. 

 

I think canceling the wedding is a bit dramatic. 

 

What he did was disrespectful of your trust because he did something you both agreed neither of you would do. However, I don’t think it can be considered cheating just yet. In poor taste? Yes. Cheating? No. 

 

You won’t know until you talk it over with him. 

 

I’m choosing to be optimistic about this and hoping it turns out to be nothing more than what we know so far. 

 

*fingers crossed*

 

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