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Got and invitation to my nieces wedding it was addressed to Mr and Mrs. I assumed that would include my 18 and 21 year old sons that live with me. When I replied to let her know that we were coming this is the reply I got. Is this normal not to invite 1st cousin? I know she invited family friends. I also know that 2 of the grandparents arent coming so thier are 2 extra seats.
As for the number of people you plan to bring with you, I'm sorry but we are having a small wedding and unfortunately I wasn't able to invite xxxx and xxxx and a number of other relatives. I didn't invite many of my first cousins, unless they were under 18 and therefore still in your "household." We would have loved to invite everyone, but we are trying to have a small and intimate wedding and the church reception area has a very limited space. Mom and Dad plan on hosting a dinner next summer so we can celebrate with everyone from around xxxxxxxxx, like family members and friends from high school and college that I wasn't able to invite. I hope you can understand. Unless I hear otherwise, I'll assume that you, , and xxxx will be there. Please let me know if you have any other questions.
so I replied back to put us down for 0. I cant tell my sons i'm sorry but your cousin didnt invite you to her wedding. They are in my household. The invitation didnt say they werent invited. Should of she been more clear or is this a common practice these days? When I send an invitation I assume i'm sending it to everyone in the household not just certain ones.
It sounds like she has had to exclude quite a few people from her wedding due to the nature and size of the wedding she and her fiance are planning. I would try to be sensitive to the fact that she is doing the best she can and that it is their wedding. I bet she wishes she could include everyone in some ways but sometimes it's just not feasible. If I were her I would be hurt that you have declined because your sons aren't invited but that's what invitations are for - you can accept or decline.
And etiquette-wise if the invitation was addressed to Mr & Mrs then that's who's invited unless there is an inside envelope that lists everyone's names (as far as I understand). And in other cases those who are considered adults (18+ or 21+ etc...) can get their own invitations - I received one at my parent's house for my cousin's wedding when I was out of college but still living at home and my parents received their own.
I am sorry your feelings were hurt by this situation but I think the bride is doing her best given the circumstances she outlined in her reply to you.
I have to say, with her indicating on the invitation Mr and Mrs. that means only you and your husband. If she meant the whole family it would've been Mr and Mrs and Family or something of that nature.
For whatever reason (budget, space, personal want) they chose to have a smaller intimate wedding and I'm assuming they applied this theory through ALL their invitations. If they are not inviting any cousins over 18 I think it would be wrong of them to invite your kids and not other aunts/uncles kids.
Yes, perhaps the grandparents aren't coming and now there are two extra seats. But wouldn't other aunts and uncles not think the same thing then? That their kids should get to come now that there are two extra seats?
I think it must've been hard for them to make this decision (albeit I've never heard of this way of cutting the guest list! It's usually the younger kids that are cut!)
I don't think -at all- their decision to handle the guest list is any reflection upon how she feels about your kids if that may be what your thinking. We all have to cut back somehow and they made a decision to do it this way.
Just a perspective from a bride.
sorry, but i think its completely rude of you to dictate to the bride and groom who is invited and not invited.
you arent paying for it, therefore, you really dont have a say in whom they invite - family or not.
If you have a problem with who they invited, then you did the right thing - in deciding not to go, but understand that is somewhat petty. its not in good form to "beg" for invites for people that were not invited.
they obviously have limited space and funds. in fact, im in the same position in that i am having a small intimate wedding and with 18 aunts and uncles, who all at least have 5 children, and thats just on my side, i had to draw the line at JUST aunts and uncles and the handful of 1st cousins i regularly talk to (which ended up being 4 out of about 70).
weddings are expensive. period. you should never feel "entitled" to something as a guest. dont put the bride and groom in the position of having to defend their decisions to you. its THEIR day not yours.
If you dont agree, then just dont go, otherwise, go, have a nice time and congratulate the happy couple who were generous enough and thought enough of you and your husband to invite yall to the wedding.
sorry if it sounds harsh, but so does your treatment and judgement of the bride and groom.
It sounds to me like she's having a VERY small and intimate wedding and that you shouldn't be hurt over this because your grown children aren't invited.They're having a family dinner in a month to celebrate with the family/friends they weren't able to or could not afford to invite to the wedding. If they invited your children, they'd probably be obligated to invite a ton of other people.
But I think that, well, complaining and refusing to go to your niece or nephews wedding because your kids who live at home weren't invited, well, is petty. It lacks understanding on your part--your kids were not the only ones included. Obviously a lot were. And just because some other people aren't going doesn't mean your kids get first dibs on those "spots". Try to look at it from her perspective, not just yours. But I think it's really quite sad that you're refusing to go to your niece or nephew's wedding over this.
I am sorry that you were hurt. I was not invited to my first cousin's wedding last November and I was livid. And there were other first cousins invited to it! But I kept my mouth shut. Hey, at least that can be a person nixed from my guest list if I want.
Your second response was fine. Although it comes across that you asked her about her invitation reasoning, I don't think you actually did. You simply responded with more people than were actually invited (an incorrect, yet oft made assumption). When informed that you couldn't bring your family, you declined the invitation. Such a response is appropriate. Leave it at that with no snide remarks and you will be fine.
I understand why you're hurt, and I think you've taken the appropriate step in declining the invitation if you feel your sons will be hurt to learn they weren't invited. But that said, I think you should give your niece a break, and not stew over this. Her explanation for why they've had to keep the guest list small was kindly phrased and perfectly reasonable, and it sounds like they've had to cut a lot of people off the reception guest list if they are planning to hold an entire second party in order to include everyone!
One more thing in your niece's defense: The invitation was addressed appropriately, and you are incorrect in assuming that an invitation addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" includes everyone in the Smith household. You complained that "the invitation didn't say they weren't invited," but if their names weren't on it, that's exactly what it said. The invitation is meant to invite only the person or the people it's addressed to -- if the kids' names are not on it, or it's not addressed to "The Smith Family," that means the kids are not included in the invitation.
Adult children living in their parents' house would, if invited, receive their own invitation according to rules of etiquette. The invitation is addressed to those who are named on the envelope.
Also, I would consider what your decision not to go will mean to you and the couple ten, twenty, thirty years in the future. If you value your relationship with your niece you will probably end up regretting not being there for her.
The invitation didnt say they werent invited. Should of she been more clear or is this a common practice these days? When I send an invitation I assume i'm sending it to everyone in the household not just certain ones.
Wedding etiquette dictates that the names on the envelope(s) are those invited. Single adults should all get their own invitation. So if your sons were invited, they'd most likely get their own invitation, but at the very least their names inscribed on the envelope. She was absolutely 1000% in the right.
I did exactly what your niece did. Because of budgetary considerations, the size of my family and an attempt to keep the wedding small, I was not able to invite first cousins. I also didn't allow single guests to bring a date.
We're doing exactly what the bride's family is doing: our parents are hosting a larger casual get together after. We're hoping everyone will be able to attend that because we'd really love to see them.
As a couple planning a wedding, you have to draw lines and you have to hold on to those lines. This isn't about "well you have space because Nana and Papa aren'yt going." They set their line at "adult first cousins" so please respect her wishes and honor them. I can tell you right now, as a bride to be, that there has been no greater stress than having guests come back and be pushy about who is invited and who isn't, and try to make their situation something I need to specially consider. It has all but ruined one relationship with a family member because they just can't seem to understand, respect and honor the wishes FI and I have set.
If you don't want to go to the wedding, fine. If you can, try to be gracious about it. This is about the couple, not about everyone else and hurt feelings. Send a gift, send a lovely card, attend the casual get together. Be gracious, excited and give your niece a damn break.
I'm going to have to agree with everyone else. Weddings are SUPER expensive... often 50, 100, or more per head! Most brides would, I think, love to invite all family and everyone they care about... but it simply is not in the budget. It sounds like she is excluding all cousins over 18, so at least she is being fair across the board. You also sound upset that she is inviting some friends while not inviting ALL family, and I don't think that is fair. Truly... most people are closer to their friends than most of their extended family.
I think she did the right thing in how she addressed the envelope and responded appropriately when you rsvp'd for more than she intended. If you don't want to go, that is your choice.
It sounds like you aren't close to your niece at all since you don't seem to care about missing her wedding. It also sounds like she isn't close to your sons so I'd be surprised if two grown men are upset not to be invited to the wedding of someone they aren't close to. I think you're just hurt on 'principle' because you're 'family'. I think that's silly.
As everyone else has mentioned you actually ignored established etiquette by inviting your sons when their names weren't on the invitation.
I am certain the bride was not trying to hurt anyone's feelings and has a huge headache caused by you (which might be fair because she's causing you pain as well) as well as a big hole in her wallet (which you do not have).
i agree with the other posters that the invitation was correctly worded, and that for small weddings this is a common way to ensure the guest list remains small. i understand that you feel hurt, but i think her response is actually very graciously worded
I too think it's rude to dictate to the bride and groom who to invite. I am planning a similar wedding and did the same thing, cut 1st cousins who were over 18 unless they were very close to FI or myself, as we both have HUGE families. FI has over 15 first cousins, all adults and most with families of their own. To invite all of them would have doubled our wedding. So we only invited those cousins we are close to and see often. And I invited friends who I see often and are close to over 1st cousins I haven't seen lately and am not close to.
It's hard to fully understand unless you are planning a wedding, but the guest list decisions are often agonized over. Unless you're wealthy, you're often between a rock and a hard place trying to fit into your budget, your ceremony location max no of people and your reception max. It's a difficult situation for the couple and their parents to be in.
And saying that becasue so and so aren't coming means that your adult children should get to come is rediculous. I'm sure that your children aren't the only ones who aren't invited.
I think it's a shame that you are so upset about this and now are not planning to attend. But maybe it's for the best that you don't go, as I know I'd only want those who truly support FI and I at our wedding, and would prefer guests who have a bone to pick to stay home and not spread the negative vibes at my wedding.
I am doing exactly the same thing -- no first cousins on either side are invited, except for one with whom my FI has a close personal friendship.
We are having a relatively small (under 100 people) wedding and if first cousins and all children of invitees were invited our guest list would be around 40 people larger than it is now. We've had to make the decision partly based on funds -- we simply can't afford any more people -- and partly based on the capacity of our venue.
My brother did a very similar thing to his wedding, and while most of our aunts and uncles understood and took it with good grace, one did not and made a huge fuss -- and is already trying to 'invite' one or more of her children to my wedding. Needless to say, this is an uncomfortable and quite upsetting situation for us. My parents and I are, needless to say, not impressed by their actions.
I think your niece has followed etiquette properly and she's been gracious and careful in her response to your assumption that your sons were invited. Forgive my bluntness, but I also think you've been less gracious in response.
I'm going to chime in and agree that she did address the invite correctly. For example, my grown sister lives in my mother's house and for my cousin's wedding last fall, my parents got an invitation, she got an invitation, and I got an invitation (I live on my own)
I don't think that the bride is purposely trying to insult you or your sons. I think she's doing what she can with her limited guest list/capacity. Weddings cost a fortune and each additional guest could cost $100+ each.
Edit: I read your post again, and I also don't see the difficulty with telling your grown sons they can't go to a wedding. They're adults and I'm sure they'll be able to understand space/invite constraints and such. When I was 18 and 21, I wasn't part of my parents' "household" so I probably wouldn't have been invited either and I would have been fine with that.
You need to respect the wishes of the bride and groom. I see that you have two SONS who still live with you, meaning that you have never planned or paid for a wedding. And if you paid for your own wedding, it's like apples and oranges compared to what things cost now. That's not uncommon - many people have no conception of how much it costs - weddings are ridiculously expensive and we as brides simply have to cut back on the number of guests to make a budget work because the bulk of the cost is paid PER PERSON. Please give your niece a break and stop acting childish and petty that your sons were not invited. As a bride, the thing I dread the MOST in this entire process is getting responses like yours. Please try to look at it from her perspective - the last thing she needs is someone mouthing off to her about who she should and shouldn't invite when they have no conception of how much time, effort, and money she is putting into this wedding.
Agreed with all others above, but I would also like to add that it's a poopy economy out there and not everyone can invite everyone they want to their wedding. It's a tough choice that almost all of us here are making. And you know what ... yeah you're upset, but I'm sure the bride is, too.
Unless ya'lls last name is "Hilton" the bride and groom are probably paying for all or some of the wedding themselves and under budgetary considerations. [Even if they're not, their parents might be thinking of budget] You are there as a guest, please remember what that word means. You do not get to dictate who is and is not on that list. She was 100% correct in her etiquette. Also, please do her the courtesy of actually returning your RSVP card rather than just the email response.
Wow!!! I feel so sad for the bride after reading what you wrote her...it's very very mean and rude and more than likely put a damper on her moment. I agree with all of the above, she DID address the invitation correctly and she is NOT obligated to invite all 1st cousins. It also sounds like to me that she is not very close with your sons, otherwise they possibly would have made the cut.
most of it's already said...I can see why your feelings are hurt, but some people declining doesn't "open up" room for non-invited guests. For example, our reception area could hold 150 max, but we invited 180 knowing many wouldn't make it. It's up to you to not attend if you don't want to, but I think you should not do it in haste, as she is keeping the wedding small and did still want you there.
As someone who had a very limited budget and had to really limit invitations, I know how hard that must've been for the bride. Do you really think your sons would care? I invited my cousins but only the girl cousins wanted to come. For guys it isn't as big of a deal. It is extremely kind of their family to throw a party in the summer to celebrate as well. If you are really upset, that's fine, don't go, but know that they probably tried hard (inviting as many as they could, and having a summer party) to accomodate within their means.
wow that sounds so cheap of her!! the younger child is invited but the older is not? TACKY! Thats right! I would not go either. I say don't buy her a gift either!!
You're confused.
She means first cousin/1st cousin as in, your immediate aunt or uncle's offspring - a cousin you share a grandparent with.
It's is not fair to call someone cheap and tacky because they can't afford an unlimited guestlist. Not everyone has a budget (or a venue) that can accommodate that.
As far as etiquette, she was absolutely correct in how she addressed it. Mr. & Mrs. means you and your husband, not you, your husband, and your adult chidren. It was wrong of you to assume that they were invited, when it was clear by how she addressed it that they weren't invited.
Honestly, if you are going to miss your niece's wedding because she didn't invite your sons, who are grown men, that she is obviously not close to, then it's extremely petty on your part and it's probably better for her that you don't attend.
Just because the grandparents declined doesn't mean that there are two "extra seats" weddings don't work that way. Many brides "over invite" because they can estimate the number of declines they will recieve. Plus, if by chance there ARE two extra seats, who are you to dictate who fills those spots? It's her wedding, and I'm certain you are not contributing financially to it.
@heather: Are you as close to your cousin as the other cousins who were invited? I'm inviting some of my first cousins, but not all of them. The only first cousins I'm inviting are ones that I speak to on a regular basis and see often, which I think is perfectly reasonable. I've had lots of cousins get married and invite other cousins, but not invite me. Was I upset? Of course not. The fact of the matter is, if we're not all that close, so why should I expect an invitation?
@dande: you're misreading the original post.
@Dande- Hush. Read things carefully before you reply in such a rude way. That is not what she did.
I agree with the others. I am having a very small wedding as well and there were people we had to cut out as well, although we wish we could include them. If you start making exceptions for one person, then you have to do it for everyone.
My mother has 6 brothers and sisters, and my husbands mother has 9. All told, that was over 35 aunts and uncles invited (our fathers also have siblings) and inviting our first cousins would have pushed our first cousin/aunt/uncle totals to almost 70 guests (and this is not even taking into account those who have wives or are in seriousl relationships... if it did, we'd be well over our venue limit just inviting first cousins ONLY). Our bridal party consisted of 8 (16 with dates) people, and our venue maximum (and budget) allowed us to invite 120 guests only. If we would have invited our first cousins, we would have only 34 guests (counting plus ones, that would have meant 17 guests). This was simply not OK, as our parents had guests that they wanted to invite, and we had friends that have supported and been there for our relationship well beyond 17 people. So, we had to make the sad decision to limit the guest list to aunts and uncles only when it came to immediate family.
You have every right to decline the invitation for whatever reason you'd like... but please know that the bride might have had to make the decision not to invite first cousins with a heavy heart. If I could have done it all over again I would have chosen a venue that allowed for more than 120 guests. At the time of booking, we thought in our minds "We dont even KNOW 120 people!" But after writing out our lists, found out we were sorely mistaken, and losing a $5000 deposit wasn't something that was resonable for us or our budget.
I agree Pengy... My family alone consisted of 89 guests. Granted, 10 of those are close family friends, but that's nearly 100 people RELATED to me. And I included all 1st cousins.
I honestly think that there is another issue looming in the wings of this post Bee's. I think there is a deeper rooted family issue. I can truely see why you are hurt, but as a child growing up I can say I only attended 2 weddings! I have lots of uncles cousins and aunts who where married while I was growing up and there were times when I would go to the mailbox and read the invitations and if it did not say family I knew it ment my sisters and I were not going to be able to attend. My real question is what will you do or say when this same situation comes into play with your son and or daughters wedding will you have an unlimited budget to invite the first cousin that has 5 kids that still stay with them. I doubt you will and I hope you get over it and I pray that you do not have ill feelings toward this bride for years to come.
I can understand your hurt feelings but I also see the bride's point of view. As many others have stated the only people actually invited are the ones the invitation is addressed to - adult children within the parent's household would receive a seperate invitation.
I know it's hurtful to you but you cannot just add on to an invitation whoever you want. In this case, they are kin - first cousins but what if someone else added ten other people that they thought should be invited? It sounds like this particular bride is on a very tight budget and is trying to make it work as best as possible.
I think if I received this invitation/explanation from her I would be disappointed that my sons couldn't go but honored that she chose to invite me. That is unless (as others mentioned) there is a deeper issue here that we're not hearing about.
I wasn't invited to one of my 1st cousin's weddings (granted, it was in NM so I wouldn't have been able to go anyways, I was in college) but some of my other cousins were. I got over it quick, but I can see how that might feel. However you didn't mention how your sons felt? If this had ever happened my mom would be like, yep, "too bad, you're not invited." They too need to learn that budgets exist, and I can't really picture an 18-22 year old boy being really torn up over not going to a wedding (although everyone's different! who know!) In any case, they should know the truth.
I agree that you don't mention how the sons/cousins feel about the situation. I am sorry but as a 18/21 year old guy I am not sure their top interest would be attending a wedding. I would guess that if you told them the story they weren't even hurt and would understand. Also, do your sons even have a close relationship with the bride? I have 15 cousins on one side and that is just a lot to be really "close" to.
Also, I do not understand why you do not feel that you can leave your two adult sons at home while you attend the wedding. Again, they should totally understand and as a life lesson learn to appreciate the cost of a wedding by not attending.
@rainbow...I am (and she invited a second cousin as well). It more had to do with the relationship with our parents (who are brother and sister).
But in the end, no matter how slighted I felt, I didn't say anything. And my mom knew better than to question the invitation. People do what they want/need to do to make their wedding/party.life work. How you choose to respond shows everything about your grace and character.
Oh and one more thing, I think you toe a really difficult line when you selectively choose which cousins/aunts/friend's children to invite. The OP situation seems to imply that the bride made one bright line rule. When you start slicing the rule a little more thinly, it can make for hurt feelings. Rainbow, I am not saying that you have to invite your cousin who you have never spoken to because her dad ran away to the circus in Lebanon when your mom was 2. I am saying you may need to be prepared for hurt feelings when you seemingly arbitrarily exclude family members at the same level. Things look a lot different from the outside than they do from a bride's perspective. That being said, guests, keep your mouth shut.
(DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT KNOW RAINBOW AND I DON'T THINK/HOPE HER UNCLE RAN AWAY TO THE CIRCUS. lol.)
I can understand that you're hurt that your sons were not included. Would your feelings have been different if your sons were under 18 and your niece decided that no cousins under the age of 18 were invited for budgetary reasons?
You are perfectly right to decline the invitation. I'm sure you'll tell other family members that you declined as they may wonder why you declined. I think it may send a message to the rest of your family that you may not want.
Nevertheless, I have another question for you: do you plan to attend the family celebration dinner that they plan for the entire family at a later date? If so, then tell her you're looking forward to attending that event. Otherwise, hard feelings will continue to break bridges.
Yes, the invitation was worded correctly. It sounds like the couple has what most people these days do--a budget. Not to mention an idea of what their special day will look like. If she didn't care at all, she wouldn't even be hosting something that everyone could come to. Who is anyone to decide who is and isn't on the guest list of someone else's event? Just because two people aren't going doesn't mean there are "extra seats" either and if there are, what makes your situation so special that YOU should get them?
@Dande, please read carefully. Also, please be careful throwing around the word "tacky" as everything is tacky to someone.
@heather25: Honestly the decision wasn't difficult for me. I couldn't draw a line in the sand and say "no cousins" because I am very very close to some of my cousins, in fact, the ones that I am inviting were integral in Mr. Rainbow and I getting together to begin with.
Not inviting them would be like not inviting my best friends just because I couldn't invite my acquaintances- it makes no sense to me.
I'm fully prepared to deal with hurt feelings, althought I doubt there will be any. For the most part, the cousins that I am excluding are already married. We aren't close- they didn't invite me to their wedding, I didn't even know when they got married, I don't know their spouses, etc.
Why should I invite them to my wedding? The way I see it, I wasn't offended (nor did I even notice, honestly) that I did't recieve an invitation, and I expect they will feel the same way. I guess my family just isn't uptight like that (not to say that yours is).
I've been on the "outside" and I'm now a bride, I can, and have, seen it both ways.
I can't believe you actually responded '0' will be attending after she sent you that note explaining the situation in such detail. She and her fiance made a decision regarding their guest list. It's not your perogitive to question it. What's so bad about going to her wedding without your sons? Sounds like more fun if you ask me. I think she handled it well, especailly with that follow up note...
Again, its a family by family decision...but the OP was hurt. I don't know if she thought that her entire family was closer to the bride than they actually are. That was the case in my family, and I believe it is the case in many families who go through a similar situation. Just because you aren't offended (and I hesitate to use that word because to me offense connotes like there is some sort of set etiquette) or hurt, doesn't mean your hypothetical sister or cousin wouldn't be by the same behavior. Just my perspective to brides who are making a similar decision.
I kind of feel bad for the OP. She hasn't replied and probably won't. She was just saying she was upset, but I can see where you guys are coming from as well. I hate threads that can get mean sometimes. I do agree that she handled it badly, but I still see both sides.
OP: Sorry you were hurt. The invitation was absolutely addressed correctly, and I would imagine you'd be even more upset if you recieved an invitation that said "Aunt and Uncle (but absolutely not Cousin1 or Cousin2)." She was perfectly clear, and I'm sorry you misunderstood and were hurt.
I had a somewhat similar situation unfold while planning my wedding. One of my dad's cousins emailed my mom about how she, her two adult children, their spouses, and two of her siblings (plus their spouses) were so excited to come to my wedding. That's right. I invited one second cousin and her husband. She, in turn, invited 8 others. We explained the situation, and she ultimately decided not to come. I was a little sad, but I'm glad she decided not to come rather than coming with a chip on her shoulder.
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