Post # 1
I’m new to this board but WB users I have a unique issue. I’ve been with my wife for 1 year married but together 2.5yrs. Don’t beat me up but we’ve lived together for about 18 months and it seems that my spouse doesn’t care to help at all with housework. I’ll come in from cutting the grass and she’ll be still in the bed or on the computer. I’ve expressed my feeling numerous times(10x so far) about her helping out and it always ends up with an argument or her just saying she doesn’t clean up on the same day I do (which is Saturday, thats just how I was raised…lol)…Anyway, along with that our finances aren’t joined and it’s put a strain on me where before I was married I had plenty of disposable income. I “as the husband” talked to her and said I would continue to pay 95% of the household billls, but she should put money in our savings..however that also has failed due to instead of it being $600 a month, it’s on several occasions ended up being different payment plans based on her not wanting to put more than what would be there annually ($7200)…and that account hasn’t been over 3k due to her “needing” money from the account because she’s short money…did I mention her taking a lower paying job on purpose (20% less) so she can go to school…she didn’t want a stressful job…All of this is wearing me thin…I haven’t been living pay check to pay check in over 7yrs but this is wearing me down…I love my wife but the “business” end of this marriage totally sucks and she has recently only decided to help out due to me telling her I wanted a divorce and that i’m really tired of how things are going and I feel like I’m in this marriage alone…and the resentment has been really been visible and I get depressed…I believe her helping out now is just a knee jerk reaction and I’m sure after a few months and things die down we’ll be right back where we started…or am I wrong and this is typical of married life…
Post # 3
@roleswitch: Did you not discuss finances and goals before marriage? did you not split bills equally before you were married but living together?
Post # 4
@roleswitch: We agreed to a joint account and placing our finances there with a monthly allowance to go to our personal accounts…but after we got married she informed me that she doesn’t trust me with money and has never put her money in the account. I was living in my house before we got married so I was able to pay all the monthly expenses…We agreed taht her left over money would be for our savings and/or furniture purchases…and from our discussion she could only afford $600 a month…
Post # 5
@love108: In fact it was her prodding the day after we got married to go to the bank and open up the account…as far as splitting the bills prior to marriage…I just kept paying what I was paying before…allowing her to free up money for the wedding…ad after the wedding that money was to go to the savings…and as you see, it’s ever evolving…
Post # 6
No, every marriage is not like this. At least mine isn’t. This financial deal you guys have going on would be a HUGE issue for me. I am extremely responsible when it comes to fiscal matters, and me paying everything would simply not work. I suggest you guys have a serious conversation about your finances and how you plan to do things moving forward.
Post # 7
So you’ve hit your first bump in the road of marriage and your already throwing in the towel. Throwing out the word divorce is no joke. I’m sure you said some sort of vows to each other along the lines of for better or worse, sickness in health, richer or poorer. Does what you vowed have no merit to you?
You two need to talk. Go seek some sort of marriage/finacial counselling. Not every couple has their shit together right off the bat. I would find out why she’s not trusting you with money. Something just seems off.
Post # 8
Are you guys in couple’s couseling? This sounds like an emergency that requires one!
Post # 9
No this isn’t normal, marriage should be 50/50 and it sounds like she wants it to be 85/15 – with you carrying 85.
You need to have a in-depth conversation about expectations and finances. A equal prcentage of each of your incomes (like 70%) should go towards household bills, leaving each of you with 30 percent for personal expenses.
It seems you went into this marriage expecting an equal partnership and she expected a husband to take care of her to a unknown degree. You need to have a frank discussion about those expectations and responsibilities. It seems only the threat of divorce made her take your pleadings seriously, which is sad.
Maybe draw up an agreement for you both to abide by, concerning bills, chores, savings, and see if it helps the tensions because if you don’t figure out a way to resolve this it will end in divorce – finances are the number 1 cause of martial strife so it’s best to take the bull by the horns and work out a plan and agreement now.
Post # 10
A few things.
Why doesn’t she want to put more into the savings fund? What does she “need” the extra money for?
Also, everyone does chores their own way. It’s a little ridiculous to me that you require her to do them at the same time as you. She should be helping, yes, but if her way to spend a Saturday morning is to get extra sleep and spend time relaxing before doing things for the day, then let her! Not everyone is the same as you.
Lastly, you need to be okay with her taking a lower paying job that would mean less stress for her while she’s in school. Schoolwork and homework (at least for me, when I was in school) is no joke. It takes a lot of time and is incredibly stressful if you’re a perfectionist like myself. While I took on a full-time job, I understand that a lot of people can’t – and there’s nothing wrong with that. She’s watching out for her health, and you should be okay with that.
Good luck discussing finances with her – it seems like you guys need counseling. You’re on completely different pages here.
Post # 11
They say money is the #1 reason why couples fight, and it seems both of you have different expectations around your finances. Those “talks” you both had before didn’t have clear boundaries and goals around how you will manage money as a couple (i.e. clearly laying out what each of your expectations are, why you both are contributing what you are to your expenses etc., and as a couple having a shared goal and future timeline of where you want to be/do the next 5 to 10 years down the road, etc.)
Having the “money” talk is not a fun topic to have, esp if one of you hates to budget & place restrictions on what you spend. But I would STRONGLY encourage you to have this serious talk ASAP, because even though money isn’t everything, you absolutely need it in order to have the kind of life (and lifestyle) you truly want. No one should have to suffer like you and feel 100% of the financial burden to support your marriage, and if you continue on the way you are now then divorce is absolutely inevitable. For the sake of your sanity and your marriage, do whatever it takes to get your finances in order. There are a lot of great resources and financial advisors out there for people in your exact situation and it’s helped thousands of couples completely turn their bank accounts and marriages around. Good-luck and let us know how it goes!
Post # 12
First of all, do not threaten divorce unless you really mean it. That is a recipe for disaster. I suggest you mix the finances up. We split everything and if you as a couple can’t afford savings that month then it will help you both that one of u is not being blamed for it. My fiancé doesn’t clean when I want him to and I don’t when he wants me too but be happy with the love of your life on Saturdays and assign things to her ( like my fiancé always does trash and litter and I always do the bathroom etc…) – that might help. No d word though! That’s a messy thing to start.
Post # 13
@love108: +1! My SO and I have talked about this stuff already. We split the chores, pick up eachother’s slack as needed due to stressful job and work situations. We also split the bills, I make more so I pick up the slack because of this but this will be different after he gets a job.
I am sorry to hear of your situation…hang in there and it will get better. You could honestly approach your wife with: we should have talked about these things earlier, I was smitten so we didn’t but I need us to be a team.
PS-I don’t think chores HAVE to be done on Saturdays. If she’d rather do her part on fri night (like me so I can watch college ball on sat haha), then that’s fine.
Post # 14
@roleswitch: I like to discuss how much I’d like to have saved up by a certain time with FH, and he agrees usually. So we work together to make that happen. If I have to coupon really hard, cut out junk food that month, or make sure we turn off all the lights when we leave the room, we work together to make it happen. It doesn’t seem like she wants to settle into the joint account thing though.
I feel bad that you are in this situation because I knew someone similar to your wife before and she was always that same way, she never changed; she has been married 3 times now and is younger than I am.
I hope she will be open to counseling and helping out around the house more. Being the breadwinner and the one who does all the housework cannot be fun! When I am feeling overwhelmed, we tag team the dishes or any other thing that I am dreading doing alone- this could be something you could try out.
Post # 15
I see both sides to this. You need to sit down together and talk openly about you feelings and expectations, and also work out how to split the chores. If she is working AND studying, then it is possible she is doing more hours than you; in which case, IMO, you should be doing more of the housework. I only work 18-25 hours a week, and earn 50% of what my OH does, however, I study 40 hours a week; meaning, although my OH works full-time, I work considerably longer hours all things considered, and I would expect to do proportionally less of the housework as a result.
As far as saving goes, she needs to be honest about what she is spending money on. If she is wasting money on luxuries like clothing, then that’s obviously not fair; but she may be spending it on resources for her studies, etc. She may also have debts; this is something you need to discuss, and she needs to be honest about what she can save each month, and stick to it. It may also be better if she is responsible for one of your outgoings eg my contribution will be minimal when OH and I live together, but we plan for me to cover the cost of the food; could you do something similar?
With regards to her doing housework on a set day; frankly I find that ridiculous. Provided it gets done, I see no reason why it has to be on a day that suits you.
Post # 16
Go see a counselor- as in a financial counselor first. It is hard to go from buying whatever you want with your own money to suddenly having to put it away. I am in the process of moving in with my SO right now and he is a major saver and I have always lived paycheck to paycheck (I am also a NYS teacher though-so I have all kinds of stuff set up through the school for my retirement, etc).
The difference is that I am older and I realize that the way I was running my life (buying whatever I wanted ie omg target has shirts on sale for $3! I need to buy 5 even though I already have 5 exactly like it) is NOT the way to go if you want to be happy later on. I am so thankful that I met someone who is good with money and investments and I am not *that* upset about giving up my random purchases. This is a maturity thing though- when I was in my early 20s (which is sounds like you are) I would have done the exact same thing she is doing.
As far as chores go if you are literally putting in 95% of the household bills and she is not putting her money into savings she NEEDS to be doing most of the housework in my opinion. My SO is going to maintain 100% of the household bills (he also makes twice what I make) but you better believe I am going to “earn my keep” by cooking, cleaning, *not laundry, I hate laundry* and just general care of the house.