Post # 1
I don’t know why I’m letting it bother me so much, but I’m having major problems with a friend right now. I’ve known her for 5 years but in these last few years, I have felt like she hasn’t treated me very respectfully. She often likes making me the butt of her jokes in front of others and goes overboard with the teasing. Problem is, she’s always been a very dominant person and has enticing qualities about her that make everyone want to be her friend and “keep coming back”. I’m not the only person she does this to, but I feel she is sometimes extreme with me.
To be honest, I have been a coward and have been afraid to confront her because some could construe her comments to be “just jokes” and I worry that I’m sometimes making a big deal out of nothing. Last night, I ended up pouring my feelings to a mutual friend and discovered that this girl has also been saying rather rude things behind my back. Our mutual friend tried to cover it up by saying “she does this to everyone” but I don’t think that’s really a justification.
We are in our late 20s – this is not high school drama anymore, but to be honest, I’m genuinely hurt. At the same time, I would feel silly confronting her about something that was heresay. This morning, she called to ask if I would go with her and her mother to the florist to help pick out the final arrangements for her wedding. I am not a bridesmaid but she was kind enough to try and include me.
I just don’t know if I can face her right now though. At the same time, I have no logical reason why I cannot go especially after I said I would love to go (when she first mentioned it a month ago). Sigh, I guess I just needed to rant. If anyone has words of widsom or advice, please send them my way.
Post # 3
@mscuppycake: I would text her and say something like “you know what, I don’t think I’m going to make it to the flower thing. Totally forgot about a previous engagment” blah blah whatever excuse you want is fine. Who cares if it miffs her. You aren’t in the bridal party, she can’t treat you with respect. I highly doubt her opinion of you is going to affect you any further after you already know what she thinks of you.
In a passive agressive way, not going with her to this thing is a way to stand up to her.
Post # 4
@mscuppycake: I would not go with her today because you have unresolved feelings about her. Then I would set up a date to meet up and talk to her about how you’re feeling towards her and tell her what your mutual friend said too. You need to get everything out in the open, if you want to stay friends with her and have mutual respect. If you stay quiet and remain friends with her, you’re enabling her behavior towards you. I did the same with my friend and whoever there were hearsay, I would tell that person in front of my friend what she told me. Or I would tag them on my txt messages or emails so I wasn’t talking behind anyone’s back. It always worked out fine and there was mutual respect from us all. Whenever there was a problem, we would talk it out immediately.
Although, now I’m not friends with them anymore ever since I met my FI, they couldn’t Be happy for me because I wasn’t miserable like them anymore. They were Married or in a relationship, still cheating on their spouses, while I was single or happily dated someone, they always made fun of me because I was always faithful no matter what, honest and straight forward. Made me realize after I found the one I love, after being in an abusive relationship, that they couldn’t be happy for me and they weren’t true friends.
My point is that she is probably jealous of you and since you don’t stand up for yourself, you’re an easy target to make herself feel better. She’s being a bully. Believe me, I was always quiet too and never stood up for myself before. But once you do, you’ll feel better about yourself. And you’ll find out who’s you’re real friends. You don’t need friends who put you down or make fun of you in front of others.
Post # 5
I had (had being the key word) a friend like that. She was very selfish, and VERY two faced. I don’t know if she ever talked about me behind my back, but she did it to all her other friends so I’m sure she did. She would talk about how horrible a friend someone was, then the next day she would have posts on facebook with her “besties” and write about how much she loved them. UM – yesterday you were talking shit about what a terrible person they are?
I finally decided that I no longer needed her in my life. I don’t even think I will be inviting her to my wedding (and she set my FI and I up) and I honestly do not feel bad about that at all. I just decided to distance myself and stop texting her. She never even texted me to see what was “wrong” so I take that as she was never a true friend and didn’t care. I did tell her when I was engaged, to avoid drama since I was telling other mutual friends, and she responded with “Can we hang out? I miss my best friend!!!”. At that point we hadn’t spoken in about 3 months. Best friend? I don’t think so. I haven’t heard from her since.
I would say you have something to do at the time of the florist appt, attend the wedding, and then slowly distance yourself from her.
We are far too old to be putting up with this shit! She is probably jealous of you, or very insecure about herself and that is why she puts you down.
Post # 6
@mscuppycake: You may not be in highschool, but you’re still putting up with highschool drama. This girl is a classic popular mean girl and you’re playing her game.
You don’t need to confront her, but you do need to drop her. Guess what? It’s easy! Just stop saying yes to her stupid invitations. Tell her you can’t go flower shopping but you hope she has fun. In the future, turn down all but the most important invitations, and gradually lower her to aquaintance status. (By all but major, I’m not saying you should skip her bachelorette or wedding, but just stop hanging out with her socially.)
Confrontation is going to make a big drama out of what is a normal process for adults. Just stop hanging out with her.
Post # 7
@cbgg: +1 , save yourself the drama and do the gradual faze out. I’ve done it once to a former friend turned acquaintance and I couldn’t be happier about it.
Post # 8
She isn’t putting a gun to your head, so just stop being around her. Yes, she might continue to say things behind her back, but the excitement of that will probably fade away once you’re not there for the face-to-face humiliation.
If she asks you why you’re not around anymore, you have the choice: you can give her a non-commital response (busy/work obligations/etc) or be honest (“I’m tired of being treated in a disrespectful way. You don’t deserve my attention. I’m not your punching bag.”) Either way, people like this are emotional vampires. Stop feeding her.
Post # 9
What you wrote there really reasonated with me. I used to have a friend like that, and for a moment there I was worried that I was being the bad guy by deciding not to put up her with her nonsense anymore. Well, I wasnt. And I have not regretted it since.
I think you already know that this girl isnt what you need her to be: a supportive, non-judgemental friend who makes you feel good about yourself. Friendships need work, and have their ups and downs, but from what you describe, I think keeping her only as an acquaintance might help till you decide if you really do want her friendship.
And dont worry, NO isnt a bad word.
Post # 10
I had a friend like that. I just stopped talking to her. Just say you’re busy when she asks and she will figure it out. When we used to see each other with mutual friends it wasn’t that awkward – we were just adults who were no longer friends.
Post # 11
I would also duck out. You don’t need people like that in your life. Also had a “friend” like that once.
Post # 12
I also HAD a friend like that once. She was also a compulsive liar (everyone she ever ran into always had to tell her how gorgeous she was /eyeroll) to boot, and would put my FI down whenever she got the chance. Insecurity + jealousy + putting you down = drop it like it’s hot. A “friend” like that is not worth the time or worrying about hurting their feelings.
Post # 13
I had one of these. Trust me, you’ll be so much happier without this person dragging your life down. Just duck out and start avoiding her. She’ll take the hint.
Post # 14
I also HAD friends like this – jealous, insecure, catty. I just started turning down invites and became unavailable. I’d make short replies if they emailed, if I replied at all. Eventually they got the hint. They were both sh*t talkers of other people and were once besties who turned on each other… They were part of a circle I became aquainted with but I now only talk to maybe 1 person from there. Too much effing drama and cat fights for me. We’re all adults here, sheesh.
Post # 15
@HappySky7: That’s wha I would do, too. Let her fade away.
Post # 16
@cbgg: & @chercee: +1. If you don’t get a backbone, and continue to allow this behavior to go unchecked, this will continue. It’s really not that complicated.