Post # 1
Not sure I should even give life to this and write it up here, but I figure you bees are the best audience for it…
I’m hoping someone else can tell me they have felt this way and that it’s just the finality of it all freaking me out.
I’m 27, and all my prior relationships have been very brief, like 3 months and shorter. My fiance has always had long relationships, before me was with a girl for 4 years until she cheated. I was with fiance a year before we got engaged, we’re having a 9-month engagement. Wedding is in 2 months. All of our friends say we are so right for each other, and both of our families are thrilled (thank God!!!). We’ve had a bit of a roller coaster ride, coming close to breaking up a few times, but we always felt we were supposed to be together and we worked it out. We’re both born-again Christians, and we’ve all but waited til marriage (so few slip ups I can count on my hand, we believe strongly in waiting) so it’s not like I’m letting chemistry cover up a bad relationship, and we’ve had to be really strong to move past the fighting without the benefit of sexual intimacy.
But it seems like sometimes when I do something irreversible… like buying my dress, attending my shower, signing the lease on what will be our first home together, assembling my invitations with the help of my amazing bms, I get scared of how final it all is. There’s a nagging thought "What if this is wrong?"and it’s sucking the fun out of this and freaking me out. What’s worse is I JUST started my birth control pills so my hormones are wacky and it’s like mega-PMS.
Has anyone else felt this way and how did you handle it? Should i talk to my fiance about this? I’m worried that he’ll be really hurt by it… but I really need to resolve this in my own head/heart soon. I want to marry him, but sometimes I just feel like now that he’s got me forever he’s not going to try to keep winning me over. And I want to be pursued (by him of course) and I just feel so… blah when he takes me for granted.
OK enough whining, can anyone feel me here?
Post # 3
I had a mini freak out in April, exactly 2 months before my wedding. I suddenly was hit by "omg this is huuuuuuge. this is foreevvverrrrrr. you can’t go back!" kind of a feeling. It lasted 3 days. I mentioned it to my FI,a nd he said "oh, i was waiting for it. That’s perfectly normal. Let me knwo if it’s still nagging you in a few weeks". lo and behold it magically went away. I just suddenly week "EEK" for a few days.
If anything, it’s just a testament to how seriously you are taking things. It’s so permanent! And you still want to marry him, so just rationalize with yourslef how normal this all is. It doesn’t sound necessarily like you are doubting your relationship, but you might be going through the "slump" that I went through at almost 2 years. (the slump that everyone i know hits, by the way). Except I didn’t get engaged until 3.5 years, and we were able to work through the slump without the forever future thing looming over us. I went through a time where I felt he thought he "had’ me and didn’t have to pursue me anymore and I felt taken for granted. It was the transition from dating to seroius relationships and beocming more comfortable with that. Eventually I started to see the difference, and it was more of a look into what a real, serious relationship is. That comfort level of yes, you have to work hard, but you also don’t have to jump through hoops all the time. Seeing as how you only dated for a yera before getting engaged, you probably skipped that phase and it’s hitting you now and you’re freaking. I freaked at my 2 year mark. At 2.5 years I completely settled in and THAT is when i decided I wanted to marry him. Once I was comfortably past that "stage" if you will. It does go away, it just takes some discussion and action to bring back some good ole dating romance. You’re already getting married, and unless you want to postpone it or anything crazy until it really does go away (and i’m NOT suggesting you do unless you’re harboring bigger doubts that you ahven’t expressed here), just know that it does pass. And if it doesn’t, there’s something bigger going on that maybe some intervention will help with.
course, I could be TOTALLY off base (that’s just my own personal experience above) and you’re just dealing with the grips of the permanent factor!
Post # 4
My own freak-out experience was somewhat similar to ejs4y8’s. I had recently finished all of my coursework and was suddenly feeling free, free to go to work and earn money, get a bigger, nicer place, get a dog… suddenly getting married and moving overseas didn’t seem like such a great plan. It lasted about two or three days, and once it ended I felt even more committed than I had before.
I think these moments of doubt are healthy, not just to give you a moment to question the situation and examine what it is you really want, but also because once you leave the doubt behind you have a more realistic idea of the good and the bad of the relationship. Imagine how devastating of an experience it would be if you married this man without ever having any doubts, and the relationship suddenly hit a low point a year or two down the line. It would be traumatic! You would never have felt that way before, so it would seem like a sure indication that something in your relationship had gone majorly wrong.
So a little doubt here and there is good. If this has been going on for a while, though, you may want to take a more closer look at it. Alternately, if the doubt turns into *certainty* that he isn’t the right one for you, then you can cross that bridge when you get to it. Don’t let anyone pressure you into marriage just because they all think he’s perfect.
Good luck, and keep us posted. I wish you all the best.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t say that I have "doubts" its more of just hit of extreme nervousness. Literally when I wrote the first check that was related to the wedding, which was our venue, when I handed the check over my hand was shaking out of control! lol! Every once in a while I get the nervous butterflies and think, like you, "this is really happening, its so forever." I told my FI this and he thought it was weird & funy because we have lived together for the past 2 years so he really doesn’t think anything will change after getting married. He’s right, in reality, not much will change. We don’t plan on having kids, so our next big step after becoming husband and wife will be to buy our first house. But regardless, marriage is a serious commitment and I think your doubts & my nervousness are totally normal. I know he is the one for me and we are totally compatable, and my nervousness isn’t related to me thinking "do I love him?" its just a miny freak out moment over the whole concept of marriage 🙂
Post # 6
Whheeewwww, me breathing a sigh of relief at what you all have written. I think it really is just the permanence of it becoming so real and it’s hitting me, there’s very little that’s ever happened in my life that’s been such a dose of reality, not that it’s bad. I’ve just gone through life very independently and always have been one to leave a situation I didn’t want to work through… so really I’m just forcing myself to grow up and be a mature adult, and I’m ready for it, but having a few moments where my inner immature brat tries to rebel. No worries, I’ll kick her butt.
Also a ton of my friends have gotten married in the last 18 months that I think I’ve started looking at weddings as something you do every month for fun, and then as my own wedding is the NEXT ONE, and I realize I am about to be Mike’s WIFE, it becomes sooooo much more real in a way that I was just oblivious to before, because I was attending so many other weddings as a passive observer.
Side note – as I am typing this, Mike is asleep beside me on the couch, and I just got the greatest positive sign– my overprotective alpha male cat who has never taken to Mike (or anyone else who crosses my doorway) just crawled onto his lap (mine’s occupied with the computer) and laid down!! This has never happened before. I feel SO MUCH BETTER.
Post # 7
It was once said, "Don’t marry FOR love, but marry TO love." I’m glad you are working through your jitters in a safe place….and how cool is that, about your cat!
Post # 8
Gotta chime in here…I have a great friend who met her love in her late 30’s. She had kind of "given up" on meeting her "man" but when she met him, she had that feeling.
The funny thing is, that I had known her man before I ever met her.
She ended up being my boss and we realized after a couple of weeks that her hubby was my "go-to" guy…after me B&tching one day about calling support & saying Dang, where the heck is J when I need him. She said OMG He’s my husband!
He was my #1 go-to guy for computer help at the call center in my company. I had never actually met him, but from talking to him (daily….) I knew he was a great guy.
When they started dating, she was very unsure, but finally, (they lived in different states), he came to visit one weekend and her crazy, anti-social, adopted cat hung out with the man ALL weekend. She said any doubts she had were gone after that. :)Animals are very good judges of a person.
I think we all get overwhelmed with "the wedding". That’s normal, you’re going through one of the BIGGEST life changes ever.
Just try to take some time for you & your FI to be together without wedding stuff, just enjoying one another’s company, and by all means, look forward to your wedding, it’s going to be awesome, but also, look forward to your life together. You’ve each found your "right person", enjoy every moment of it.
Post # 9
Honestly, no I never had doubts. But I don’t think it’s abnormal. It’s a really big deal to get married. It should be a big deal. So, as long as they go away, I think you should be fine. Good Luck.
Post # 10
I think that most people go through some sort of jitters. Ours is still over a year away, but a while ago I thought about giving up my last name (it’s way too long to hyphenate and it means a lot to him that I take his) and I sort of freaked because it is such a big change I’ve always been me (my name) and now I will be somebody else (not really but my name will not be "me" anymore). Then I realized that your name isn’t who you are so I cooled off.
Also I completely think that it is extremely possibly that the birth control is adding to your emotions! So settle in to the new regimen of birth control and if you notice you are still really emotional after a month or so talk to your doc (ha sounds like the Yaz commercial). If it’s not like you to be super emotional you can always try different forms of bc. I have tried several different kinds because many made me really emotional; now I am on the Nuva Ring and the emotions are in check!
Post # 11
Imagine how devastating of an experience it would be if you married this man without ever having any doubts, and the relationship suddenly hit a low point a year or two down the line. It would be traumatic!
I know lots of people who never have any doubts and things are perfect, etc, so they got engaged at like 7 months (i’m thinking of someone i knew specifically in college) and they got married real fast because everything was super hunky-dory. When I bumped into her recently, she lamented about how how terribly difficult her first year was b/c she was having all these doubts and jitters and stuff. So, just to echo CellarDoor and Annie, I think it’s a very good thing you’re just having this moment. She’s now in counseling and things are getting better…it’s just a phase that’s hard to work through!
Funny, when I was on Nuvaring I was more emotionaless than I’d ever been before! I LOVED it. Now that I’m on Seasonique I’m more of a cryer and I got more emotionally involved. So yes, your BC is probably just adding more salt to the pot!
Post # 12
I def had an EEK moment one day at lunch not too long ago (68 days to go!) and it was fleeting. As if he knew what was going on in my head he sent me a cute "you’re going to be an amazing wife for forever" text message and my heart melted. I think that forever is such a huge word and it gets overwhelming. You will be fine 🙂
Post # 13
LOL Yes it seems that a lot of us get nerves at some point in the wedding process , with my sister and BIL it was BIL , they actually took a "break" just prior to engagement. He wised up and now they are pushing the 10 year mark with 1 and 3/4 kids. I had ,as ejs4y8 put it , nerves , but then I remembered how right we are for each other , we make a good team and dare I say it , he really does make me a better person. I’m glad your cat answered your question too , having mine cuddle with DH was a good sign for me (cats just know!). Good luck darlin’!
Post # 14
Please talk to your fiance about this! I know a lot of people have validated the fact that having doubts is common, but I think it’s equally important to share those with your fiance. The specific fears that you have (like being taken for granted, or not shown affection) are still very real, even if they aren’t relationship ending, and I always find that my relationship benefits from sharing those. Think of it as helping to equip your soon to be husband with the best tools possible for a happy marriage. How is he going to know you have a sensitivity toward demonstrative love or visible acts of affection unless you tell him? Sharing this stuff will help you guys build a strong foundation together, and you’ll come away with it even more confident in your abilities to keep your marriage strong together.
Post # 15
I had these sort of feelings, but after I got married. Before the wedding, I never questioned our decision to get married. However, about a month after the wedding and after living together (we didn’t live together before the marriage) I found myself scared by the permanence of everything. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him or that I questioned our relationship, it was the knowledge that I had committed myself to something/someone for the rest of my life. I tried to concentrate on my feelings for him and my strong feeling that marriage was the right choice, and eventually those fears went away. Hopefully you are just going through something similar and there aren’t deeper issues.
Post # 16
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I just wanted to add another perspective. When I started birth control pills for the first time, I had this major emotional freakout. I suddenly really wanted to get pregnant. I had this intense physical *craving* to be pregnant. And then I cried all the time – over everything. I tried to break up with my boyfriend repeatedly. After one month, my hormones readjusted and I was fine. So try to breathe? Talk to your fiancé and tell him that you’re going through some rough stuff. Talking through your feelings with a supportive fiancé should really help.