2 months until wedding, don't know if I can do it.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

You mentioned that you know excitement dies down and people get comfortable – and that could be exactly what’s happening.  Sure, wedding planning is exciting for a lot of women, but not everyone.  Take me for example.  I don’t feel excited or anything for my wedding.  I am happy and comfortable and know that it’s what I want, but that “honeymoon” phase of our relationship is long over.

Perhaps you are feeling the stress of the impending wedding mixed with your confusion over what the wedding industry makes you THINK you should be feeling.  You don’t have to be super excited and floating on air about your wedding.  And that is OKAY!!!! 

But only you can know whether or not you are in love or are just settling.  Best of luck.

Post # 4
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

If you don’t want to get married, even a little, don’t get married.

Do some traveling, live by yourself, get wild and crazy, whatever you feel will help you complete yourself as a person.

It’s not a bad thing to know what you want and to go for it! Some times you learn things about yourself at a bad time (like that you need to be single and travel and live life two months before your wedding. Whoops! But it HAPPENS.)

Post # 5
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

People change a lot at age 25. I know I did! I was in a 6 year long relationship with my first (and only) boyfriend when I turned 25. He was a nice guy, but I felt an urge like you to be single, experience life on my own. Relationships do change overtime. The initial “honeymoon stage” inevitably does wear off. In my case, it had worn off in my early 20’s and I felt I was missing out on something…& we weren’t even engaged yet. In fact, one driving factor in ending it was that I couldn’t envision getting excited about getting engaged or married since we already felt like an old married couple. 🙂  Ending that relationship was really hard – we had just moved in together to a new city and my reason for ending it felt very selfish – but I am glad I did. I ended up marrying someone much more suited to me (6 years later) and I really enjoyed my late 20’s. People will forgive you their plane ticket costs and rental deposits. This should not factor into your decision. If you are having reservations, listen to them…good luck! 

Also read this interesting article about brain development in your 20’s: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24173194

Post # 6
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee

If you feel so unhappy than you should postpone/cancel your wedding.  Sure there will be money lost, but that’s much better than going through a divorce 6 months later.

In ANY relationship, the passion & excitement will die down and when sh*t gets real is when true intimacy and love begins.  If you compare your relationship to chemistry, excitement, and thrill you will mainly attract toxic relationships with emotionally unavailable men, because that’s where the thrill & passion comes from — the uncertainty, relationship drama, and you constantly feeling off-balance because your man blows hot & cold and never knowing where you stand in your relationship.

Post # 7
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

I called off my engagement in May. My (ex) Fiance had been everything that I wanted in a man, and I loved him dearly. But when I realized that I could not for the life of me picture walking down the aisle towards him and that nothing about the wedding excited me, I had to think long and hard about if I wanted to go through with it. I called it off, because even though I loved him greatly, and him me, we just weren’t IN love with one another. We’re still very close friends, but I think we both feel as if it were the right decision. I know you’re scared and it sucks, but I think, in your heart, you already know what you want.

Post # 8
Member
31 posts
Newbee

@needhelp022014:  I would just suggest leaving him. No one should have to marry someone who’s not really thrilled to be with them. I would be devastated if my fiance had doubts like yours.

You said you’re afraid of making the wrong decision. Well, it’s pretty obvious that marrying someone when you’re not even sure you want to is a horrid decision. If you’re feeling this way before you’re even married, imagine this feeling x1000 after you marry him, and the pain he’d have to go through when he realizes you still kinda don’t want to be with him. Don’t worry about the money people spent, that shouldn’t affect your decision.

Let him go and find a woman who’s excited to spend the rest of her life with him and bear his children. Let him find that special person who wants nothing more than to grow old with him and raise a family. He should be allowed to have that, and he absolutely deserves it. He deserves a mate whose love is not peppered with doubts. That woman is out there; call off the wedding so he can find her and be happy. Then take the time to work on yourself.

Post # 9
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@needhelp022014:  Are you sure it isn’t cold feet?  I had the same feelings 2 months before the wedding and they just kept getting worse and worse until the night before the wedding. ( I was debating on canceling it the whole time).  I was so nervous and felt depressed.  I ended up going through with the wedding because I did love my fiance (been together for 5 years) and so much money had been spent.  Now that the wedding is over I see things more clearly.  I was just beyond stressed and scared, but in the end I am so happy I didn’t cancel the wedding.  I couldn’t picture being married to anyone else, and I am so happy we are married now.  People experience cold feet differently.  Try to figure out if its cold feet or you really just don’t want to be with him anymore.  Is it that you miss being single?

 

Post # 10
Member
1951 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@needhelp022014:  Is it the relationship that is making you feel down, stressed, nervous, etc., or is it the wedding?

Weddings aren’t for everyone. And while it’s certainly supposed to be a big and exciting time, it is by no means the biggest or most exciting time you’ll ever experience. So don’t think for a second that the “honeymoon” is over, or you’ll never be happy with this guy again. 

It sounds like you and your FI are in two different places. It’s a touch spot because it sounds like if you tell him you’re not ready, he might leave, and then you’ve really lost him. 

My point is that if you aren’t sure, don’t get married. Period. But don’t immediately dismiss the idea that you two will never work. 

Being single is fun, but I can tell you that being with the right person is WAY better. The grass may seem greener – and it could be. It’s just kind of a chance you need to take. 

Post # 11
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It’s really hard to tell if this is just cold feet or if you really don’t want to get married.  Getting scared at this point I completely understand.  I think we all second doubt everything.  I will also say, wedding planning hasn’t been the OMG romantic exprience that all the comericals make it out to be.  There was more romance in buying a house. 

My suggestion is to take some time for just you and your FI to connect without talking about wedding stuff.  Leave that off the table and do something romantic (weekend get away)  See if there is a spark there.  If not, then go.   If there is, but you are still unsure, think about couple’s counciling just to have a third party help you understand your problem. 

Post # 12
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@needhelp022014:  I had these feelings- to a degree- the few months before our wedding.  I started second guessing everything.  There were days that I thought getting married was the worst idea.  And it wasn’t because of my DH- he is AWESOME.  It was the idea that I was making SUCH a huge decision- and also a result of the stress I encountered during planning.

I mini-fell-apart.

I suppose one thing to consider is your age.  Sure, you might absolutely be ready to get married at 25.  But at the same time, maybe you really are too young- I have a gf who is younger than me, and got married years ago.  I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I politely told her that I thought she was too young.  She got angry with me.  Well guess what- that same girl- as of NOW, is asking me why I didn’t stop her from getting married, and she is going through a divorce.  And admittedly- it’s all her doing.

I know this sounds silly- but do you remember why you wanted to marry your FI in the first place?  Was it because it was exciting, and there was a ring?  (Sounds silly- but it happens)- was it because you had thought about spending your life with him and you actually wanted to?

I think it’s awesome that you have talked to your FI about this already.  

Only you can figure out if it’s just pre-wedding jitters (I never thought I would have them- but I did!!)  I do think it’s normal to second guess (although not everyone does)–

 

How long have you guys been together?  Because yep, the excitement of the whole relationship does die down.  The best “truth” I’ve ever heard about relationships?  You have to learn to LIKE the person you LOVE.  

Post # 13
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

If it’s wanting to explore yourself, and have adventures, and such, that’s holding you back, that doesn’t have to get in the way of getting married! Do you have any married friends who do really interesting things? Who have made major life decisions together other than just the ordinary buy a house, have some kids, etc.?

I have married friends who have started a band together and now tour the nation in a converted bus. I have married friends who do art and travel. My most recently married friend moved across the country a couple weeks after the wedding, with her new husband, to pursue a Ph.D.

Growing and changing and exploring yourself and the world doesn’t exclude you from marrying the love of your life, or doing the things everyone thinks they’ll do when they’re single and on their own. If you love this man, and he supports you, and you make an effort, you can definitely have both. But it does sound like you’re not super in-love with him, and that may be an issue, and I wish you luck in figuring it out.

Post # 14
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@needhelp022014:  First off, I’m sorry you’re going through all this!  Second off, I would caution you to take everything you see on here with a grain of salt.  None of us know you and your relationship, so we’re really not in the best position to be offering you advice.  That said…it sounds like you have some real soul searching to do.  You obviously love and care about this man.  I would suggest considering counseling (maybe just you at first) before you make any rash decisions.  Like you said, if you call it off, your fiance may not be around any more.

It is entirely normal to lose excitement before your wedding because let’s face it, planning a wedding is incredibly stressful!  That being said, it’s much more difficult to get out of a marriage than a relationship.  You don’t want to “take the plunge” unless you’re entirely certain this is the man you want to marry.

Good luck to you – I’m here if you ever need to talk!

Post # 15
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

 

I got married at 23. I had been with him since I was 19, we had 2 kids together. We were married a total of 8 months before we separated, got divorced the following year. My divorce was finalized in September of  2013, I met my current husband in March of 2013, just got married November 2013. That being said, I have never really been single. I’ve been in a relationship of some sort or another for my the majority of my adult life. I dated a bit between my separation and meeting my current husband so there was usually someone around.

 

 
All of this being said, my husband and I were totally out of our honeymoon stage when we got married, even though we had only been together 8 months. I was completely pissed off the entire time we were engaged- I was working 40+ hours a week, had my girls to take care of, and my husband was the one who wanted the wedding I was planning. I went to the courthouse the first time, and would have gladly done it again. We got engaged on Mother’s Day this year, and planned our entire wedding in 6 months. I was exhausted and over it by the time our wedding came around. Now, a month later, I am the happiest I have ever been. I had some doubts, but I realized that it was all stress. Maybe you guys can take a little breather together- reconnect alone, then get back to normal life. We were able to do that shortly after the wedding and it did wonders for us. I knew I loved him, but the “in love” feelings seemed like they were fading. We had just let life get in the way. 

 

You have time before your wedding is supposed to happen- maybe you could go away for a weekend, ignore life, and try to reconnect. The fact that you’ve talked to him is a HUGE step, and I applaud you for that. One “last shot” at figuring things out may help you find your answer. Best of luck to you

 

Post # 16
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

Please don’t go into a marriage with the thought that it’s disposable. If for ANY reason, you can’t go into this relationship with the thought that there is no out clause, then you owe it to him AND YOURSELF to wait. If he can’t accept that you need to grow, then he’s not for you and you don’t marry a man simply because you want to keep him. You’ll be resenting him, regretting the marriage, having an affair or getting a divorce in no time.

IF HE LOVES YOU, he’ll realize that you, at 24 don’t need to tie yourself down for a lifetime to a man who has had 10 extra years to live and see things. You’re not at the same place in life and that’s where a relationship will fail. Good luck.

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