Post # 1
I see so many posts here that are similar, and make me ask 2 questions. I’m not judging or anything like that, I’m really just curious.
1) Why do you wait? If I knew that I wasn’t on the same page as my SO I would hit the road and find someone who wanted the same things I do. Then again I’m impatient.
2) This is the one I’m even more interested in. Are the guys making you wait being manipulative? It seems like they have an AWFUL lot of excuses, most of which revolve around finances and making some surprise plan. I don’t know why proposals have to be a surprise, or happen in a foreign land, or be photographed, or any of that stuff. In other words, are they manipulating you by telling you what you want to hear (like “it will happen soon”) or making excuses just to get you off their backs?
Post # 3
I’m a waiting bee and neither of those two points apply to me. I’m waiting because we just weren’t there yet. That’s all. Today is our one year anniversary, and we are in no hurry. No manipulation, no different page, just not yet our time. That’s all.
I do, however, really disagree with you about men using excuses to manipulate us so they can make it a surprise, when a surprise isn’t necessary. This is their thing, you know? They plan this and make it special because we are special to them. I would say yes if my SO proposed to me here on the couch when we were both on our laptops, but the fact that he wants to put so much time and effort into making the moment really special makes me feel really special too.
Post # 4
@Bunny82: I guess I wasn’t very clear on the manipulation thing – I didn’t mean manipulating in order to plan and carry out a surprise proposal. I meant manipulating in order to be in total control of the situation, i.e. when you’ll have a further commitment.
I just read a lot of “well he says it will be soon!” and “he said I ruined the surprise he had planned and now he doesn’t know when he’ll do it.” That’s what I mean by manipulation. Some of the time I don’t think there’s any plan at all, and the guys are just saying what they think you want to hear in order to avoid discussing it more.
Post # 5
@oneofthesethings: 1) I’ve only been with my SO for 10 mnths and he’ll propose by the year mark so I don’t see an issue waiting.
2) he hasn’t made any excuses beyond not expecting to meet the one so soon and having to come to terms with his life plan changing because of it. He also wanted a bit of time to save but a couple months isn’t that long.
I figure if you love the one youre with a few months is nothing to wait and doesn’t mean you aren’t on the same page
Post # 6
@oneofthesethings: I made a poll about the excuses or truth thing and people got really offended (probably because it rang true in some cases)
Post # 7
1.) I wait, because we both see a future with each other. We believe in the same beliefs. And we love each other very, very much.
2.) he does want it to be a surprise/special. I guess he’s just that kinda guy, and the type to want things to happen ‘naturally’. But he’s also the kind of guy who wants to have his feet firmly on the ground. He finished school, got a full time job, now seriously looking at homes. he wants our life settled, and taken care of with a roof to put over our heads. I admire his ‘provider’ mindset. He said 2013 would be our year.
Post # 8
@oneofthesethings: Hmm. Interesting questions.
My answers to them are:
#1: I’m waiting because I’m 99% sure we’re meant to be together forever, and everything my SO has told me indicates that he feels the same way. I’m not quite ready for marriage (I’m in grad school, which complicates life a great deal), though I am ready to be engaged. My SO is not quite ready to be engaged but there is every indication that he sees himself with me forever. I don’t feel it would be worth the pain and misery and hassle and time to break up with someone I am clearly extremely compatible with, just because he hasn’t proposed when I want him to (that sounded grumpy, but it’s not supposed to–I’m just telling it like it is). And then having to get over such a great love and find someone new. Blech. That’s a pretty sickening thought– basically I can’t realistically see myself with anyone else!
#2: I think it depends. It certainly sounds like there are some guys who behave in a very manipulative fashion (maybe there’s some subliminal messaging in our society telling them, “this is your last change for true autonomy, guys, so you’d better use all your power while you still have it!” yuk, sounds awful). But I don’t think it’s the case with all of them. Sometimes it really is a case of just not the right time, as in my situation. I have gotten the financial blah-blah runaround; partially it was true (he had very little job security at the time he told me that financial crap was stressing him too much to think about getting engaged, though things have significantly improved now) but partially I wonder about it. Really, if someone loves you and wants to be with you, then why not get married? What does money matter? Why not just do things super-cheaply? Why not elope and avoid the whole hassle? But it turns out that my SO believes that a wedding is a pretty serious matter– not just in the obvious, marriage-commitment way, but also in that the big party in itself is important, so the couple’s friends and relatives can endorse and celebrate the marriage. I am sometimes troubled by this explanation, but I have to trust that he loves me and it will come when it’s meant to.
Basically I think the financial excuse can either be legitimate or total crap; the disrespect level of that excuse depends on how true the excuse actually is. It annoys me, but I am willing to put up with it because I would rather be with the man I’m meant to be with, whom I love and who I know loves me, and NOT be married (at least for a little while) than be single and unloved, and not have him in my life.
I’m curious to see the various responses to this; I imagine it might get a little heated, but it’ll be interesting!
Post # 9
hmmm… I don’t like the look of this terrain… Tread softly bees…
Post # 10
1) I wait because he has the ring and is going to propose in the next few weeks.
2) He hasn’t tried to manipulate me at all. He just told me to wait, lol. I know he has something planned (or at least a specific date) because I told him I don’t want anything special. I told him if I had it my way then he would just propose while we were watching a movie/tv show and that would be a bigger suprise then anything else. But apparently that isn’t okay for him. -I seriously hate cheesy shit- B*ch is taking too long!
Post # 11
The person I waited for a long time was full of excuses, and not just over the ring!
Him: “Oh, I don’t like any of those rings you sent me. Diamonds aren’t very ethical.”
Me: “OK, what about sapphires? They’re beautiful and genuinely rare.”
Him: “Those rings are too expensive.”
Me: “What about these vintage rings?”
Him: “I don’t like any of those.”
Fortunately I didn’t waste too much time on him. It was turning into a jump-through-the-hoops game that I just wasn’t going to play anymore. If it wasn’t for this person I would have never met my current SO, who is just amazing! We’re such a great match and I’m so excited to be spending the rest of my life with him. Waiting for/with him hasn’t been full of anxiety or frustration – and to be fair he’s just as antsy to get engaged as I am!
Maybe it’s a bit pessimistic of me, but when I finally came here to vent it was close to the last straw for me. That’s why when women come here and complain about waiting I think it’s getting to the point that it’s irreparable. Sometimes I’m right, other times I’m wrong.
Post # 12
1) I wait because life takes time. We have been on the “same page” since the beginning of our relationship. We started dating with purpose of finding out if we were the right marriage partner for each other. Our intent has always been to get married, so if at any point one of us felt like we couldn’t marry the other, our relationship would have ended. Even tho I knew at 18/19 that I wanted to marry him, we certainly weren’t ready yet. Right now what we’re truly waiting on is for him to finish college.
2) No manipulation at all; we both agreed we want him to finish his degree first. Also, what’s wrong with waiting on finances? Rings cost money. And we both want the proposal to be a surprise. Getting engaged is a big commitment; don’t judge a guy for putting a lot of effort into it and waiting till the right time.
Post # 13
Well, I always knew I wanted a short engagement. So I figure that it’s waiting now versus waiting later. That’s a personal thing. Secondly, I don’t feel manipulated. I just want to let a guy have his moment. And my SO never makes empty promises in regards to “soon”.
Post # 14
1) Sometimes I ask myself this same question. It’s probably for the obvious reasons – he’s an amazing guy, and better than anything I ever imagined. We want the same things, but he seems to be taking longer to get used to the reality v. the idea of marriage, and I think it is partly because he doesn’t have good models of marriage around him to look up to.
2) He isn’t being manipulative but I don’t think he quite gets how much this whole waiting thing hurts me, and how the longer he makes me wait the more likely I am to walk away (even though I’ve told him both explicitly, ugh). Plus, I can leave anytime I want, and I have a walk date in mind, so it’s not like I am powerless over the situation.
Some people are lucky to have SOs who want to marry them more than anything, and I used to think all guys were like that, but some are procrastinators and foot-draggers. My SO taking absolutely forever on this is consistent with how he is with everything in life (drives me insane sometimes) so for that reason I especially don’t think he is being manipulative. Plus, he does everything he possibly can to show me he loves me, and that’s kinda nice.
Post # 15
We’re waiting for financial reasons, not because we aren’t on the same page. Alsowe were waiting for him to graduate this year. Basically, I am not waiting, we are both waiting for the time in our lives to be better. There are many other reasons for waiting besides not being on the same page or being manipulated or having excuses.
Post # 16
I think many people start “waiting” way too soon. It is okay to really get to know someone before making the ultimate commitment. You just don’t know a person well enough after 1 or 2 years in my oppinion. I waited seven years and yes, it was hard, but now I am so happy and confident in knowing that we really know each other and have made it though some hard times together. I don’t mean to sound judgemental, I just worry for people that make that commitment so soon.