Post # 1
OK so i’m new here and still totally floating from my engagement so i have a lot of questions and opinions and yes… issues with my mother already. here’s the deal. My Fiance and i will be getting married in 2015 and i understand it’s a long way off but i’m really excited!! I tried to talk to my mom about an engagement party and suggested January after the holidays are over so things will have died down. She immediately shot it down and said “no we’re not doing it until April” and i kind of backed down and said ok April is good because we can have it in the backyard. To which she replied “we’re not having it in the backyard, it’s not fancy enough” So again i backed down and said we could have it at this low key restaurant (my fiance had one of our first dates there and it’s our favorite restaurant) again she said it wasn’t fancy enough. Then i got upset because she kind of smashed every plan i had and started deciding things on her own. I didn’t think engagement parties were supposed to be so fancy. I just want our families to meet at least once before the wedding.
I mentioned i was looking at save the dates (not to buy anything yet but again i’m just excited) and she told me to stop looking it was too early. I also want to look at dresses…. i know i know… but i wouldn’t ask her to come becuase i know she’ll shoot me down so i’m going with two of my closest friends to have some fun.
She’s also told me that she knows where she wants me to have my wedding, what my dress will look like, what favors we’re going to have, and she’s already picked out my bouquet… Funny becuase i have all those things picked out too… i mean, isn’t this supposed to be MY wedding? Am i being selfish?
Maybe i’ll get backlash for doing things too early but i’m just excited. Any comments on what to do with my mom???
Post # 3
Welcome to the Bee!
Like you, I was a early planner myself. I looked at save the dates and dresses, and even started purchasing items for my October 2014 wedding. I think it’s great that you are interested in getting an idea of what you like!
Just know that looking too far ahead could give you alot of room to change your mind, and you just never know what you’ll like and what you won’t based on pictures alone, until you actually try them on. I thought i had a great vision of what i wanted, until I actually found my dress! And now, my colors have slightly changed, along with many other aspects of the wedding.
As for your mother, I think you should have a talk with her about your engagement party.
Your engagement party should be something you and your groom both love.. i mean, you don’t want to look back on your special days and think about how you let your mom have your day. If you want your mom to be involved, you should work together to find something that makes you both happy.
Post # 4
Well, Sadly I am in a similar situation, except my weddings sooner, Everything I do is “Too soon” and I “Shouldn’t even be thinking of that stuff yet”
I say, BE EXCITED!! you Deserve it, its a big thing. Even if its not until 2015! I don’t know if this would work for you, but I’ve gotten into the habit of not telling her anything I do or like or see, and when she does confront me after over hearing me say something or see me looking at something I take her comments with a grain of salt, smile and nod.
This is your wedding and unless shes taking money out of her pocket and paying for every last cent of everything she doesn’t get a say, and even if she is she should be included and consulted but not the end all be all. As harsh as that is, it’s true. Let her know her opinions are appreciated and you will take her suggestions into consideration but in the end its what you want not anyone else.
Post # 5
@daniellemc: Welcome to the Bee.
First, in regards to an engagement party–that is the only thing your mother is winning at. Really it is thrown by someone in honor of you and not something the bride gets to plan. If you plan it for yourself, one it is kind of an etiquette no no, and two, if you do decide to go that route you need to pay for it yourself. You can’t dictate where and what you will be doing and when it is. Technically, you shouldn’t even know and if you do, you should just keep out of it and let your mom handle things.
Second, as for the wedding if you are paying you get all the say. Is your mom footing the bill? If she is just footing the bill for the venue then technically she should help get a say. Same with food and whatever. If you guys are paying for the wedding yourself she is NOT entitiled to be picking things out and you will need to set boundaries for her immediately because I can see her becoming controlling.
By the way, don’t just let your mom say NO to everything, but she is ringing some truth with STD. Yes, you can start looking, but it would be unwise to send them out so early before next year because people will have absolutely no idea. You can start looking but I strongly, strongly advise not settling on anything until a year or less out from the wedding with the exception of your majors–photographer, venue, DJ, etc.
Post # 6
i suppose the engagement party i can understand because some people are saying it’s not something my fiance and i should have any thing to do with, but truth be told, he’ll have to be involved because some of his family doens’t speak english and my parents dont speak spanish. So i’ll let that go.
As for finances. My fiance and i have dedided to pay for half of our wedding because we both feel uncomfortable with my parents footing the entire bill.
As for my save the dates… i was just looking at some DIY ideas to keep costs down (and to be hoest i LOVE crafts) as we haven’t set a date yet (we only know we want october or november) we wouldn’t be sending them out untiul a year before the wedding and when we know the date. I was just looking.
I think what i’m going to have to do is what Theonetime said. it’s best if i just share things with my two closest friends at this point. They are very much on board with taking me to look at dresses and letting me have fun with everything. They are both super excited because they’re both married and know what it’s like. When it comes to really making the actual deceision i’ll let her know how i feel and if need be i’ll employ the help of my aunt aka her sister who will inevitably side with me and talk her down. I just got engaged i feel like part of me has ZERO business looking at dresses, save the dates, venues, bouquets, but then part of me feels like “GIRL!!! You’ve waited 3 years for him to propose, you deserve this excitement! Go for it!!” This could all be because i’m a little emotional do to the fact that it’s that month, you know how everything seems a little bigger than what it really is? yeah Maybe TMI but this is a ladies wedding board and we’re all “friends”!! Thanks for everyones input i appreciate it!!