2 weeks away, and the cold feet setting in

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9244 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bellaboo79:  Yes, it’s normal to have wedding jitters, everyone does!  🙂

However, make a list of pros and cons about this man and decide – really in your heart – what things are dealbreakers for you and what things you may find annoying but can live with.

Like, for example, messiness and slobbiness are cons.  But kindness and dependability are positive factors that greatly outweigh that, unless he’s an extreme hoarder or something.

As long as his “pros” list outweighs his “cons” list, and the “cons” list doesn’t contain any truly dealbreaking things for you, you’re going to be just fine.  Remember to breathe!

Post # 4
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@bellaboo79:  I would say that when you are weeks away from making one of the biggest, if not the biggest, commitments of your lifetime, it would seem normal that those tiny or very large nuisances/faults your partner has seem 1000 times WORSE.  All of a sudden that ONE spill (out of a thousand) on your counter is mocking you, and screaming at you “THIS IS YOUR FUTURE…CAN YOU HANDLE IT?!”

Although I am not ‘there’ yet, I have heard it time and time again from some pretty close friends of mine pre-marriage. 

As far as telling him you are irritated, and him ‘being better’ for a short time, and then relapsing…I think that is downfall of the male gene 🙂  Seriously, if I marked on my calendar, I bet my ‘friendly reminders’ occur every 3 months, on the dot.  From the time I tell him “I am at wit’s end” to the time I see a valiant effort to be more clean, more prompt, more conscienious…to the time he slowly forgets we even had the conversation, back to the beginning.

In all fairness, I am NO ANGEL nor perfect.  He usually needs to tell me I need to calm down, and relax – because I am high strung – every 9 or 10 months.  I relapse a little less frequently, but it still happens!!  My point is that these things existed while you dated, probably before you were engaged. 

They probably will exist after marriage too, but the question needs to be ‘are they deal breakers?’ 

Post # 5
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@bellaboo79:  your FI’s slobbiness sounds like my FI’s lateness. It drives me NUTS! There are times that I’m like “This will be my life……” and get agravated.

But in reality, if your FI being slobby is his a BIGGEST downfall, you’ve got a pretty good guy 😉

Just like my FI, he loves me, supports me, respects me, makes me laugh every day, and is extremely kind and easy to talk to……that totally outweighs him being late sometimes lol

Post # 6
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

There’s always going to be something. And as others are saying, when the pressure is on and you’re forced in Western romantic relations to have “the one,” every little thing gets magnified. Very normal. It’s also very normal to wonder if the grass is greener (being honest here – that one may never go away for a lot of people. We’re not monogamous by design, even if we make the conscious decision to live out a monogamous life).

My husband always leaves dirty dishes on the counter and all over the place. Never the sink. Never the dishwasher. He also never empties them out. He leaves dirty socks everywhere. He doesn’t have the follow-through to always clean up after himself – our basement and attic are disaster zones with books thrown everywhere, wires and machinery all around the computer in the basement, etc. He’ll leave toothpaste gunk all over the sink; I was seriously pissed one day when I found a vase, flowers and the countertops in our bathroom COVERED with cough medicine. He’d poured it, sloshed it everywhere, and claims he didn’t notice it.

They annoy me. I won’t lie about that. But you can either nitpick every conceivable fault or you can ask yourself, How long does it really take me a day to deal with this? In the bigger picture, is it worth constantly raising this or just letting it go and accepting him as he is?

I’d sit and focus on some of the the things you do that probably annoy him. Everyone has them. It may bring about a more humble and understanding spirit the next time you find yourself evaluating his messiness. And – is it a really serious problem? Is he just not as tidy as you’d like, or is he truly a “slob”?

If you’re spending half an hour or more a day picking up after him, that’s a problem. If you’re spending an extra 5 minutes a day wiping up a spill or something, that’s small potatoes in the world of future marital problems.

Post # 8
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@bellaboo79:  Awww this it totally normal. I literally would obsess about these things as soon as I got into a committed relationship. A marriage is a long time, and there will always be things about one another that will annoy you. Don’t feel bad for feeling this way. Just accept it and realize if those are his worst flaws, you have a pretty awesome guy. Not worth looking for another! 

Post # 9
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Nobody is perfect and this is a very minor flaw. I’m sure he has similar thoughts about your flaws too. My fiance is also messy but he is honest, sincere, reliable, committed and will make an amazing father so I overlook his minor flaws. Also the fact that he is even willing to work on them, even if he does need reminders every so often, is something that some men would never do. Being willing to admit that he needs to improve and then do it to make you happy is an amazing quality. Just relax and enjoy the last bit of being engaged.

Post # 10
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@bellaboo79:  What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Just keep in mind that 75% of all your problems will never be solved–that’s big and small problems. All you can do is negotiate something that works for both of you. And the rest you have to let go. DH folds the laundry in a way I cant stand–it barely fits in the linen closet the way he does it. But you know what, he does the laundry (more often than me). So I let it go. If it really bothers me, I go in behind him and refold. 

(As side note: I have found that praise works waaaay better than criticism. Every time he does something right, say thank you and praise him. I’ve even found that even if he didnt do it, praise him like he did. For instance, one moring you go in the kitchen and there are no spills. The reason there are no spills is because he wasnt in the kitchen last night. No matter–just tell him, I noticed this morning there were no spills, Thank you for cleaning up after yourself. He’ll either confess that he didnt clean up anything. In which case, just shrug and smile and say Oh, really. But the seed will be planted. But like kids and pets, you have to be consistant and notice most of the time he does something right and praise, praise, praise!)

But in the bigger picture, I would recommend reading any book by John Gottman. His research, insight and advice has helped my marriage so much. DH and I are approaching our 3 year anniversary (been together over 4.5 years) and we still feel like we are in the honeymon phase. This is even with the stress of having his father move in with us (really not that bad), unemployment and 3 years of TTC/infertility and hormonal fertility treatments. 

Post # 11
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

@OUgal0004:  +10000 perfect response and exactly what I would have said!

Post # 12
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

From a Book I just read called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” where they talk about how any man you choose will have 10 categories of incompatibility with you. If you trade one man for another you will have some kind of problem with him, you can’t find a man completely perfect. Unless it’s severely interfering with your living conditions, you can’t judge a mate by silly things like messiness. As long as you have the same values and goals, and you can tolerate him at least 75% of the time, that’s all that matters.

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