- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2011 - Blossom Heath
So two weeks after I posted to the hive that I got my BFP, finding out that I was 6.5 weeks pregnant, turning 30, and celebrating my 12 year dating anniversary I had a miscarriage and have been on this emotional rollercoaster ever since. The big thing is that everyone wants to talk it through or “know” what happened because it’s fresh and new it’s very hard to do that so I wrote this in hopes that it will help those close to me understand how I feel.
I also thought that a few women in the hive would be able to relate to this as well…
I figured it wasn’t a bad idea to write down how I really feel since for some reason writing has always helped me. Of course this isn’t directed at anyone in particular just me thinking and writing.
The truth is… I HURT.
I have a pain in my chest that will show up on any x-ray or test that my doctor run. I feel a lost that can never be truly replaced with any physical material item. My heart feels like there is a hole in it that no stitch can even heal.
The truth is I HURT and the only thing that can truly make me feel better is time. My high and lows consume me and unfortunately when I seem ok I’m really riding the wave of tears to keep them on the inside. What I want to do is curl up in my bed.I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to think. I just want to draw the shades, turn off the lights and lay in my bed until the pain goes away.
Except I can’t… Life. MY LIFE has to go on living. My heart with the hole in it has to go on beating.
The truth is I’m CRUSHED. Something that I WANTED, worked, planned, and hoped for was given to me and taken away just as easily as it was given. I know these things happen but pardon my grief because I was naive enough to believe those things don’t happen to people like me.
The truth is I CRY. I wake up at night not screaming from a nightmare or scared from a dream but because just for a little while it was a habit to be awake at that time of night because of the needs of something else and now that something else isn’t there anymore. AND IT HURTS so I CRY until I fall back to sleep with the tears still in my eyes.
The truth is I KNOW. I know that I’m ok. It will be ok. These things happen and that I am down but not out. So I drag myself out of the bed and I take the hugs, the I’m sorry condolences, and the it’s ok I understand words with a slight nod when all I want to do is scream and tell you that I’m sorry I don’t believe you because I would never want you to know this feeling. I’m appreciative of being surrounded by those who love me and care enough to check on me because I probably would be in my bed with the covers over my head but if it’s the day I’m having let me have my day.
The truth is I’m SCARED. I’m scared to even want to try again. To put my emotions out on that line again and have them snapped and broken by something that I can’t control. I’m scared that every glance that is thrown my way is pity and sympathy and I would rather suffer alone then feel worst by those glances and stares.
This is my truth. I lost a baby. I’m hurting and it’s fresh and new so I have to find my own way to deal that works just for me. I’m not pushing you away I’m trying to be ok.
I’m taking baby steps but they are steps just the same…