Post # 1
I hate myself for writing this. But I need all the support, advice, and insight I can get before anything.
I recently just gotten married to the most wonderful man ever. What I am about to say contradicts the sentence before this one, but I am ready to call it quits. After the party quieted down, and I was all moved into his apartment, I started to panic and getting the urge to want to run.
Part of me knows why, and part of me doesn’t.
The part of me that knows why is because I miss being single. I miss my independence. I miss my old self, and our old selves. I enjoyed our relationship so much when we were dating, then now that we are married. I enjoyed spending the day together, and then, at the end of the night, we both went our seperate ways–he would go to his home, and I would go to mine. I feel like now that we are together, I dread waking up and sleeping next to him. I dread being back at our place. I get anxious. I don’t desire any intimacy with him… both sexually, and emotionally. This morning when I woke up, he wanted to cuddle, and I simply wanted to be away.
I don’t know what is happening to me. I spoke to some friends and family… and they all say that it’s part of the “transition”..and that “everyone goes through this.”
I must say that I love my husband. I really do. He’s so sweet and wonderful… I know many woman would love to be married to a man like him… I just don’t know if I have it in me to be married to him. I have mentioned this to him because I cannot hold it in. I told him we should have waited… I told him we should just stick to dating… and that’s what I want the most: I want things to be the way they were…him and I, just bf and gf, we were so much happier then.
I’m so confused… and hurting. Please help.
Post # 3
Did you not live together before you were married?
A lot of the anxiety may be stemming from the fact of living with him more so than being married to him… and trust me, many people go through this when you move in with someone for the first time, regardless of marital status.
My best advice is to just continue looking at it one day at a time. Don’t get all hung up in the “forever” aspect of it. It’s a serious commitment, but the day to day doesn’t change that much. He’s still your boyfriend… now he’s just your boyfriend for life.
Take a breath and calm down. As harsh as this sounds, you do kind of have to suck it up. Things will even out, just give it some time. Don’t go all superstar diva on him and do something stupid or file for a divorce… that would just be incredibly cruel to him and to yourself.
Post # 4
@Fite4Luv: WOW… this is so intense… Is it that you simply miss the mysteries involved in dating or do you feel pressure to be his everything or something?
I am scared for you, darlin… it sounds like you feel like you have lost yourself and you’re just a little scared that he is all you’ll ever have for the rest of your life but maybe you’re not thinking about all the things that make you YOU…
if you like your independence, I see no reason why you shouldn’t enjoy times (a few hours, etc) apart & etc.
Maybe wake up earlier than him and have your day away so you start to miss him and then your time together will be cherished…
Do you have separate friends?
I think its healthy to still have independence and your own identity even after you become part of a marriage… you are not morphing into him but rather making a whole new creation.
Maybe you miss YOUR place…
Maybe you miss the luxury of being with him when you want to and not when you don’t…
It sounds like you love him… or at least the idea of him… but marriage takes work and sacrifice so while it may be perfectly normal for you to feel this way with all this change going on, I still think you guys should work on what it is you enjoy about dating…
Maybe have a date night once a week?
Maybe the fantasy of dating has more to do with you liking to be alone sometimes and that’s why you like the idea of dating forever… so you can have your “me” time… you just need to find time to have that to yourself.
I do that… I love ME time and I purposely get up and have my day while my FI sleeps in and then when we get together for lunch I’m all refreshed and happy to see him because I’ve met my needs of doing whatever IIIIII wanted to do for the morning all for me.
Post # 5
@AllShookUp: No, we never lived together. I have spent some nights @ his place, and we have taken trips together…
The “forever” aspect does scare me. I am currently seeing a therapist, and he advise that we go to marital therapy… but I feel like I am the one with the problem. Not him. Sure he does things that bug me and contribute to my feelings like the constant desire to have sex, cuddle, and be together… but I know it’s harmless. I am sure many women would want a man by their side that is extremely affectionate, and loving… but I am the opposite.
At the moment, I am not making any big decisions. Divorce sounds tempting.. and easy. and I always said I respected the institution of marriage, yet I feel like a total hypocrite.
I don’t plan on acting on my feelings yet. I am going to take it one day at a time, as you, and others advise. and hope that things will get better, otherwise, I will have to make big decisions.
I fear what his family will think of us, ME, if they knew this is how I felt.
I know I am asking for too much if I said “I want to annul this marriage, and I want us to go back to just dating…”
He said he would do anything just to see me happy. I am going to try my best… but my gut says, leave.
thanks for reading and responding
Post # 6
OP I think the important thing is to realize that in this situation, you can’t be a good person and just run. Your husband deserves better and you do too. There’s no abuse here. Perhaps you should have waited, but the marriage did take place and so you MUST do your best to preserve it.
You might not end up together in the end but start taking some steps to improve your relationship and your intimacy. How was your sex life before the wedding? Of course you shouldn’t be intimate with him if you sincerely don’t want to, but personally I have also known times where if you actually do the cuddling and being close, you actually start desiring the intimacy more. Fake it ’till you make it sounds horrible, but it’s something like that…
I would at least make arragnements to see a professional. Do you belong to a religious community? Any pastor/priest/rabbi you could talk to as a couple?
Post # 7
There are times when I feel similarly, in that I miss doing my own things and having my own space. I’m still getting used to living together, his idiosyncrasies, moving into a more comfortable stage in our relationship. This usually happens when I need time by myself or with friends, or I’m PMSing. But not all the time. Maybe you do need time to adjust. Talk to him about your thoughts and fears. My FI has been supportive of me and my moods. I am of the belief that You can still do things you used to do before marriage, like go out, see friends, not do everything with you husband. Maybe thats just me.
Also, how long we’re you dating before marriage? How old are you?
Post # 8
My hubs and I are both very independant people and moving back in together has taken some getting used to. After 8 years of living together on and off (but not for the last 3 years) it has taken adjusting to being together like all the time after work.
I agree with pps that you need 1. time to yourself and 2. date nights with the hubby. I recently saw an article about cheating WITH your husband–adding some degree of danger and excitement back into your relationship. I think that is a great idea!
We’ve been married not quite a month, and living together full time for almost 2 months, and it is a bit stressful right now, so it takes work to keep it interesting.
Good luck and keep working at it, he loves you and wants what is best for you, so help him to help you get comfortable. 🙂
Post # 9
Hey I did the same thing after moving in with SO.
I sucked it up for about 3 months and then just took off (not literally, but I did move out).
3 months after that I asked if I could come back.
Sounds like you run from comfort/stability like I did. Seek therapy. Thats all I can really say.
Post # 10
Its ok, I felt the same once i started living with my FI
its the ‘grinding down to fit eachother’ stage
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.
I don’t think it would be fair to either of you to annul and go back to dating.
I also felt a huge weight of responsibility after we got married. I was not expecting it. However, by talking to Mr. Aardvark and sharing my feelings and fears with him, we were able to work through it.
Living together for the first time is also a HUGE adjustment, there it definately takes more than 2 weeks to get that sorted!
I think a marriage theripist is a good idea too. Even if you feel like it’s “all you”, someone who specializes in marriage maybe able to help you communicate with your husband about needing space in a way that is constructive to the marriage.
I really wish you the best. Marriage is a one day at a time kind of thing.
Post # 12
It is so hard living with them. I miss before buying our house. He changed a lot and I miss the way he was before that. He doesn’t think he changed but I know he did. I wanna run every now and then, but I know if I didn’t have him in my life I wouldn’t be happy.
I wish you luck. Don’t make any rash decisions quite yet.
Post # 13
They say that the first year of marriage is the hardest because you’re getting used to living with someone else.
Were you not excited to move in with him before the wedding? Like, when you thought about it, did you think to yourself how much fun it would be?
I think you just need to set some “me” time for yourself. You need to get a spot in the apt/house that is just yours that you can go to for some alone time and dedicate some alone time once a week or whenever you need it.
You’re probably just feeling overwhelmed from the fact that you don’t have any more “me” or “quiet” or “alone” time b/c it’s 24/7 w/ your DH.
Don’t run just yet. Give it some time to get used to living with someone else. It’s going to take some sacrafices on both your parts to make living together work, but I honestly think it doesn’t have to do with your DH and it has to do with you missing your space. Just find yourself some space.
Post # 14
I just had this conversation with a coworker yesterday. I just came back to work from our honeymoon and she was asking if I felt different, which I relaly don’t, aside from calling him my husband instead of fiance which honestly is totally comfortable for me rght off the bat for whatever reason.
What I told her was that it was harder for me to move in, and the transition of us living together, was so much harder and gave me so much more anxiety than being married. I wouldn’t jump the gun on asking for an annulment, that’s the easy way out, and you love him obviously, but it sounds like you need to work on reconciling the difference between being dating and being married. The fact is that you haven’t been single for a long time, actually getting married does not make someone NOT single, being in a committed relationship does. You haven’t been single since you decided to commit yourself to him however long ago you met.
Take time to yourself, go out to dinner with girlfriends, go in another room and read a book, etc… and remind yourself that he’s there to be your support system and your partner, not someone that is encroaching on your space. And good luck, because for EVERYone, moving in together is hard and I would think that if i did that and got married at the same time i would have had a lot tougher time transitioning than just getting married.
Post # 15
Seriously, if I had to guess, I’d guess that this is more about living together than the marriage per say.
When moving in with somebody for the first time, it often seems like it will be funner than it is. The reality of it is that you have another person who is coming into your space and wants to do things his way instead of yours and will not go away… because he lives there too. Spending the night and taking trips is in no way like living together… it is more “playing house” than actual reality. It can create an overwhelming sense of panic when you suddenly realize the day to day realities of having to give up the things that you want to do and the way that you want to live in favor of something that will make you both happy.
The fact that you are newly married adds a further complication. You are scared of the living situation and the finality of it all, and that makes you want to back out. But divorce and annulments are not easy things. Theyre expensive and painful and can drag on. He may say he wants you to be happy but at the point that you say “I’m done, can we go back to dating?” his gut may end up telling HIM to run.
You def. need to set some boundries. As the other poster above had mentioned, its ok to go out with friends sometimes, or to spend time in another room. Set aside a couple of hours per night where you watch tv and he goes to read, or you go to surf the net and he goes to play video games. He may want to always be around you because that’s what his idea of “living together” is… but thats not reality. My husband and I spend a lot of time in seperate parts of the house doing seperate things, and that doesnt mean that we’re being a bad couple or anything.
I think what youre feeling is understandable because of all the new stressors in your life. Try to talk to him about it in a concstructive way… not in a “I want to leave” sort of way, but in a “what can we compromise so that we can live together happily?” kind of way. Its not fair to him to completely cut him off in all this.
Again, take it day by day. DO NOT obsess over these feelings. Try to take everything in stride. Moving in and getting married is stressful for everyone. But don’t throw in the towel just because youre a little overwhelmed with everything. You have a partner right next to you ready and willing to help, and you at least should give everything the benefit of a doubt.
Post # 16
@Fite4Luv: It’s ok to miss your single self and even grieve for that time of life. However, missing your single life doesn’t mean that your married life can’t be as rewarding or enjoyable. It’s just different and does take time to transition. I think seeking marital counseling because it should help you identify your fears about marriage and help you work through them. I know you say it’s you and not him, but it’s now you both ‘together’.
Before I got married, I didn’t really understand why people said marriage was so hard – but, it is hard. It’s a different sort of thing to be under the same roof with someone and doing things for their best interest.
Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide if you want to give the marriage a chance and work through the emotions and feelings that are surfacing. Identifying what your unknown expectations or fears are would be a good place to start.
I’m not saying this is you – but I do know some women see marriage as the ‘goal’ and wake up the next morning thinking – hmmm – this is it?? Perhaps you had some underlining expectation of what marriage would be like and now that you are in it, it’s not matching up and you are now readjusting to what life looks like as a married woman.
The only other piece of advice I can offer is I sincerely believe loving your spouse is a choice. It doesn’t always come naturally and usually takes some sort of effort. I’m not sure if this is encouraging or not (or makes you want to run faster) but I say this because I feel strongly that love is an active decision and something you have control over vs. something that just happens on it’s own.