Post # 1
Just here to vent.
FI’s “best man” is possibly the flakiest person on earth. I’ve always known this, but it’s his best friend so I really couldn’t tell him not to ask him to stand up with him at our wedding. Said “best man: has been the last of the groosmen to do anything (i.e. measurements for tux fittings, find transportation to the wedding, etc). My FI actually was going to pay for his tux and his hotel room because best man is having some difficulties right now. Awesome, right? Well I kept asking FI if he was sure that best man would in fact show up, as he is known to “forget” about important events. We texted best man last night asking for the name of the guest he would be bringing because the caterer needs a final head count. This morning we get a text back saying “sorry man, I guess I’ve been kidding myself during this whole time thinking I could make this work.” We haven’t been able to get him to return texts or phone calls to find out if he is really not coming. Long story short, best man drops out of wedding 2 weeks prior. What the heck? FI is probably going to ask one of his other groosmen to be his best man but we will still need to find another to even out the bridal party.
Also, future MIL is being an absolute TERROR. She is controlling and she can’t let go of the fact that she hasn’t gotten to plan this wedding. The new suit FI just bought last week isn’t “nice enough” for her and she won’t allow him to wear it to the rehearsal dinner. She doesn’t like the seating arrangments so I can’t finish escort cards. She “never wanted to have the rehearsal dinner where we are having it.” Blahblahblah.
Anyone have any wise words of advice or encouragement?
Post # 2
elw728: stop sharing with your FMIL. My FMIL was exhibiting similar behaviors so i told FI, no share, no care.
i.e. We weren’t going to share our plans with either set of parents and they would just have to deal. There was about a month of whining and our only response was: I understand that’s how you feel and I’m sorry you can’t seem to accept our decision. We’re happy to chat when we’re all on the same page again. Goodbye and we love you.
over and over again.
Then there was a month of them ignoring us. They then came back around. Not sure if this would work in your situation but worth considering.
Post # 3
bitsybee: apparently part of the problem is that I don’t share anything with her. FI said that she would have appreciated calls here and there to let her know how planning was going. My response is of course that I have no obligation to share my plans with her because she is not paying, nor did she offer. My parents are shelling out a pretty-penny for the wedding ($75,000) and as far as I’m concerned nobody else besides them have a say in decor or food. She was very offended we didn’t invite her to the tasting with our caterer… but again she is not hosting the party so she should have no opinion on our food. She had quite the say in her daughter’s wedding and also one of her other sons’, because his FI had no idea what she liked or wanted. I keep telling FI its too bad I know what I want and like and don’t want any more opinions.
Post # 4
elw728: Sorry about the MIL thing. What a pain.
Dropping out two weeks before the wedding is a really sucky thing to do but at least you fond out before the day of! Don’t stress too much about finding another groomsman. Uneven bridal parties are fine.
Post # 5
elw728: Best man does not sound like a good friend, at all. Sorry for your FI, I’m sure his feelings are hurt…
That said, adding another groomsmen right now would be pretty tacky, uneven sides are fine.
Post # 6
elw728: hah. that’s too bad. She needs to learn boundaries! I’m sure you would have appreciated a contribution for this wedding if she wanted to be a stakeholder (though maybe not since she sounds…opinionated).
Why isn’t your FI shutting her down? I mean, it’s not clear he is based on the current context.
hopefully she puts her mature mil dress on and gets it together! You’re close though!! In 2 weeks it won’t matter
Post # 7
elw728: First, you don’t need an even bridal party. Clearly for whoever he chooses, it would just be a replacement and he didn’t actually want to ask them. I would just leave it un-even.
Second, FMIL has no control over anything. She can’t tell her adult child what to wear – nor can she tell you how to do the seating at the wedding. I would just ignore any insane requests and move on with the wedding. Letting her behave like this is only going to continued into marriage.
Post # 8
elw728: step back and take a breath. You’re so close! I hope it all works out. Sending positive vibes your way!
Post # 9
elw728: No advice here, just encouragement. In two weeks all of this will be behind you, regardless of HOW sucky it is to have to deal with a terror MIL! Poor you, really. Seesh, I’m glad my MIL was chill the entire time. Some of these nightmare MILs I’ve read about on this forum. Gah!
As for someone dropping out – boo to him! However, as PPs mentioned, to replace him would seem, well, as a replacement, so I would just leave things uneven. For my wedding we had 3 girls and 2 guys, and it wasn’t bad at all. ACTUALLY it was nice because it put me dead center in wedding group pictures (tehee, not planned but totally worked out!) 3 people on either side! Just a bonus of having an uneven wedding party!
Post # 10
elw728: I think you FI should keep trying to contact his best friend. He probably feels really badly about letting his friend down and not being able to share in this major life event. From the text he sent it sounds like there is something not great is going on in his life and that is the time when a best friend should try harder. After all a one day party shouldn’t be more important than a relationship right? I personally moved heaen and earth to make sure my bff was able to make it to my wedding including paying for her and her daughter to attend, attire etc and I met with her ex to beg him to sign passport papers for his daughter to attend since he refused that to my bff.
And as for your fmil, would it really have been that bad to include her? You sound a little petty bringing up her not paying, kind of like you are punishing her for not contributing to the wedding that is you and your FI’s responsibility to pay for. It is great that your parents offered a gift of paying but childish of you to use it against your fmil. even if you had included her in things like the tastings didn’t mean you had to take her advice/opinion. It is pretty easy to say ” thanks fmil for your opinion but FI and I decided to go with the roses”.
You catch more flies with honey after all.
Post # 11
““sorry man, I guess I’ve been kidding myself during this whole time thinking I could make this work.”– NO this is not a heartfelt apology 2 weeks before the damn wedding! you’re absolutely right, that man is flaky and does not care who gets hurt. If I were your husband I would never talk to him again.
Post # 12
This sucks, you/he paid offered to pay for his suit and hotel room! What else does he need?? He knows two weeks prior he won’t be able to commit to something that has been planned for months?? I don’t get it. Also, yes, agree with having uneven groomsmen and bridesmaids being fine, howeverrrr, he isn’t just a groomsmen, he is the BEST MAN. He is supposed to give a speech, be the man right next to your FI on his important day, it’s a big deal! Another groomsmen just can’t be “bumped up” to best man, that wouldn’t be as “emotional” (for lack of a better word at this moment) for the groom. This really sucks for your FI and you. I would keep reaching out to the “best man” and figure out his deal. It doesn’t seen he is totallllly out? And if he is, rip him a new asshole.
For your MIL, i’m half and half. first half I want to say “fuck her” it’s not if she gave money or not, it’s that it’s NOT HER WEDDING! I hate controlling MIL’s. Second, are you are only not inviting her to things or allow imput solely b/c she didn’t give money but allowing your parents to have say in stuff b/c they are paying? b/c that isn’t totally fair.
Let us know if the “bff” ever calls back or responds to the texts!
Post # 13
Lydia2013: That is a good point about being square in the middle for photos! I think FI is going to contact his BIL to “stand in”, but maybe I’ll try to talk him out of it.
weatherbug: I definitely agree about her acting like this throughout our marriage is going to cause issues. I had a talk with FI about it last night and asked him if he wanted to marry me or his mother. He got a little peeved but I’m hoping it got my point across to him.
j_jaye: we finally got in contact with his friend last night after many attempts. we already knew that there is a lot going on his life and he is most likely struggling with some depression and other issues right now because of everything. we have offered to try to get him up here in multiple ways (even my mom said she would give him all her frequent flier miles and she’s never met him) but he doesn’t seem interested. About me being petty by bringing up costs and not including her… there’s a lot more to the story. She used to be a party planner… she has grandiose ideas and nothing that I choose is ever good enough and there is always a better way to do things in her mind. This is why I didn’t chose to include her in my planning process. I knew what I wanted and I knew what budget I had to work with. She gets offended when people don’t take her suggestions for these type of events.
yupmarried: Yep, still don’t know why he considers him to be his “best man”. I’ve had the conversation with him several times leading up to this point that I didn’t think that the best man would even show to the wedding. I’ve hung out with best man several times (he lives in another state) and when FI and he are together you can tell they really are such great friends, he is just so unreliable.
missmorris710: BFF responded and he is for sure out of the wedding party, he isn’t coming at all, even though this has been planned for a year. I almost wish we just weren’t having a bridal party at all because this is throwing a slight wrench in the plan. As to your other comment… it’s not like she lives down the street and we didn’t invite her to do things. She lives out of state (as do my parents). When my parents fly in to do a tasting for the $75,000 party they’re giving and they don’t want other opinions then I am not going to go over their heads and start inviting other. And like I said FMIL can never take anything as-is because nothing is good enough for her, so I really didn’t want her critiquing every single thing I picked out, from food to linens. It’s not like she doesn’t know what’s going on because we have shared plans with her from time to time, but we haven’t intimimately involved her in the process. I literally have known exactly what I wanted from the first meeting I had with my team.
Post # 14
elw728: The way the best man dropped out was so rude. I understand that he may be going through some things, but you don’t wait until the groom contacts you two weeks before to let him know that you don’t even plan to attend. I don’t consider that the behavior of a friend.
Your MIL sounds controlling and I don’t blame you for not wanting her to take over. She doesn’t get to tell your fiancé what suit he can and cannot wear to the rehearsal dinner, I hope he isn’t seriously letting his mommy dictate that.
Post # 15
spiffanee: he finally told his mom that he bought the suit for this purpose and he really likes it so he going to wear it. she then told him he needed to wear a solid color tie. he said that if “this is the only thing she has control over during the entire weekend then i’ll let her have it”. still kind of annoyed but i’ll let it slide i suppose.