Weddingbee boards

Help us set the date, PLEASE!!!!!  Here are some pros and cons, regarding our situation...I know it's hard to figure it out if you're not in the situation, but what do you think?

AUGUST 8, 2009

- P R O S - 

~It's sooner [we have been engaged for over a year already]

~I can get all the planning done before I start grad school.

~We can be married before I start grad school [better health benefits, less to worry about while in grad school].

~No matter the date, I am having a very intimate wedding.  If we got married in 6 months, it would seem more out of necessity [starting grad school and whatnot] and I think the rest of my family that will not be invited to the ceremony wouldn't be as offended.  I don't know if that makes sense.

~For August 2009, we would be getting married about 1.5 months after my sister [June 09] and about 1.5 months before his brother [Oct 09].  This might seem like a negative point, but I like the idea of us getting married so close to each other.

- C O N S -

~It's sooner, so there will be less time to save money, less time to lose weight, and less time to plan.  Not a big deal to me, but still a negative aspect.

~He doesn't want to get married that soon, for reasons he has trouble expressing [I know this sounds bad, I just don't know what to do about it].

~We have lived in my parent's basement for about 2 years and if we waited to get married, we could use some of the money to get an apartment.  My grandma insists we need to live together on our own before getting married...although we did live illegally together in a dorm for 6 months...

~If we get married sooner, we might end up being married and living apart for a while, because I might have to move away to go to grad school and he doesn't want to move with me [and leave a good job in this economy] until he has job security.  I don't really mind the idea of being married and living apart, but he does.

~My parents can't help with the wedding budget much if we get married this August because my sister set her date right away and they pledged a lot of money to her [thinking I wouldn't get married until 2010 or later.

I'm having trouble thinking of pros and cons for 2010 right now.  Mostly because I'm frustrated, but also because the pros for '09 are basically the same for the cons for '10 and vice versa. 

PLEASE HELP!  Another bee suggested I flip a coin, and I'm definitely considering that, but I still want to figure this out as much as possible.

True, I really shouldn't worry about offending people.  I'm trying not to, but it's still in the back of my mind...

Thanks for your input!!!!!!! 

Thanks for the advice and the votes, everyone.  I tried to be extremely objective when listing the pros and cons, and it seems like everyone is going for the "wait", despite what I truly want.  I can't imagine being engaged for another year and a half or more, because it seems like forever already, but it also seems like I don't have much of a choice.  

And I know that is a huge red flag.  It's hard for him to express himself and tell me the why on things....he's always been that way and we've been together for 4 1/2 years, known each other longer.   It seems that I'm taking offense to his wanting to wait, and as much as I don't want to pressure him, I don't want to wait.  Everyone involved here is voting for 2009 except him...my mom, sister, grandma [even though she thinks we need to move out first].  But I felt like they were saying that because they know I would be sooooo happy and because they can't understand his reasons not to.  Heck, he doesn't even understand.  I think he's really nervous, like Erindesmar said above, and sees it as  a huge responsibility that he's worried about in today's economy and all.  

Sorry this is so long and complicated.  Such is my life.  And wedding planning. 

I definitely see what you mean...I think this is where he's coming from, too.  I had a hard time understanding his point of view because I was so stuck on my own, and he wasn't able to explain much.  

Basically, regardless of the date, there will be 15 people max at the ceremony, and a big[ger] reception later [days, months, a year later, who knows...whenever we have the funds together as a family].  However, he's still not keen on the idea, and I agree that Niki is probably right on that red flag.  I am very ansy...I'm looking for that security because we have so many big life changes ahead.

Thanks again everyone.  I really appreciate the advice and sounding board. 

Thanks very, very much for your input.  This is helping me out a lot.  I want to have at least one more conversation with him about it, but I think you guys are right about this.  I do feel crappy about myself for wanting to get married sooner if he doesn't.

Before we moved in to my parent's basement [and before we illegally lived in a dorm room together] we did have a long distance relationship...'casually' for about a year and then 'seriously' for another year, then he moved in with me because it got pretty difficult.  So although we do have some LDR experience, it's been 3 years since we've lived apart and I do agree that it would probably be a bad idea to start off our marriage like that.  

He recently transferred to a third-shift position for *much* better pay, so I don't see him much these days.  Hense my rush to weddingbee for advice...thanks for enduring my rambling indecisiveness!!! 

I only feel crappy because I really DO DO DO care about what he wants, immensely, but I felt that he was being unreasonable and had ulterior motives of wanting to put it off.  I think he was probably just being ultra-logical, and...admittedly, I'm a dreamer.  

I think you're all probably right and I just needed to hear it from someone else, though I do feel disappointed and sad that it's now soooo far away [longer than we've already been engaged, which feels like a looong time].  But I'll get over it.  I just need to remind myself that I'm not losing the whole wedding, just the "anytime soon" part.

On a happier note, [but I know this is getting long, and I'm sorry] I thought of some additional pros to waiting until 2010:  

~Originally, he was going to have to ask for [and hope for] "personal time off", unpaid, because he recently transferred and doesn't have vacation hours until about September/October 2009.  He will be able to take vacation hours if we wait [unless we end up having to move and he has to get a new job altogether].  

~There's no way we could afford to have a real honeymoon if we got married this summer.  If we wait until 2010, maybe we could even take a DREAM vacation somewhere amazing!  That got me really excited...just wanted to share.