- 3 years ago
Hello, lovely ladies. This probably makes me sound like a total weirdo, but I’ve always loved lurking around this site even though there’s no wedding in my near future. I just love wedding ideas/photography, so it’s been a fun little hobby. I’ve always found this to be a supportive, kind community of women, so I decided to open my own account in the hopes that you can provide some support for me.
Here’s a little background. A few years back, my first love broke up with me after three years in a very toxic, very unhealthy relationship. The breakup was earth-shattering to me– I fell into a deep depression, started therapy, and was put on medication for my anxiety/depression. It took me about two years to even feel remotely ready to open my heart again and move on from all that happened with that breakup.
So, this past January, I met a wonderful guy. I was so terrified about trying to love again after my first breakup, but I took the risk and it was completely worth it. We hit it off right away– he had dealt with an ex-girlfriend who did some terrible things to him, so we were able to deeply discuss and bond over some of our past experiences with heartache. Things just felt so “right” and serendipitous. He even came to my hometown with me for a few days and met my family and friends, all of whom loved him. I couldn’t believe how wonderful it felt to finally be with someone who genuinely cared about me and treated me right. After all the emotional turmoil of the past few years, I felt incredibly lucky to finally be happy with someone again.
Well, about a month ago, he broke up with me completely out of the blue. I was blindsided and absolutely devastated. He said he doesn’t think we’re “meant” for each other, that he’s still hurt over what his ex did to him, and that he feels like his life is a mess. He’s in a very stressful masters program and that certainly put him on edge sometimes, but there was absolutely NO indication that he had doubts of any kind. As far as I knew, he was just as invested in the relationship as I was. He said that “maybe someday we can be casual friends” and hasn’t spoken to me since then. I wrote him a very calm, mature, non-threatening letter expressing my feelings, but letting him know that I have to respect his choice. He never replied and I have cut off all contact too.
I’m just heartbroken. I trusted him with my heart (and my body too, for that matter). On paper, I’m doing all the “right” things– still seeing a therapist, surrounding myself with friends/family, not contacting him, journaling and reading… but it still hurts so much. I went through this process with my first ex, but somehow this is entirely different and more painful in some ways. There were no arguments or toxic elements in our relationship, so I can’t look back on the bad things. I know it was only a few months, but it represented so much more for me. I feel like he gave up on us at the first hint of a doubt, and that just kills me. I miss him terribly, every single day.
I’m about to graduate from a prestigious college. I just found out I’ve been awarded a Fulbright grant to teach overseas for a year. I consider myself kind, funny, intelligent, and at least reasonably attractive. There are so many things in my life that I should be proud of and happy about, but this heartache puts a dark cloud over everything and I’m just filled with hopelessness right now. I know this might sound pathetic, but I still hope that I’ll hear from him. I know I can’t cling to that, but it’s always there. It all just happened so fast.
I guess I’m just looking for some hope and support from you wonderful people. Did you go through anything similar before meeting your current partner or spouse? Any words of wisdom that might help? I know that time is supposed to heal all, and I know it’s true to an extent… but I just can’t stand this massive hole he’s left in my heart. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my novel of a post.