Post # 1
I am 23 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We started dating in my senior year of high school, and he is 2 years older than I am. He is done with college and has a great job, and I am currently back in college for a different major. I will be done in the next 2.5 years.
I am really starting to get antsy about getting married. Especially since people around me are getting married and are planning their wedding & getting ready to buy a house, etc… In a way it makes me jealous and upset and the same time.
We have talked about getting married and he wants to but I don’t know when. He said he wants to buy a house first, which is fine, but I don’t even know how long it will take for him to save up for a house.
I feel so depressed thinking it will be years before we even get engaged.
Am I overreacting?
Thanks for any advice.
Post # 3
I was like you. I don’t know if I have any good advice except to just wait it out. I was with my FI for just over 7 years before he proposed. I had moved in with him about 3 months prior to the proposal so the timing was just right. I can’t really imagine if he had proposed any sooner (I had just gotten done with school when I moved in with him).
Post # 4
@Stranger516: I am really starting to get antsy about getting married. Especially since people around me are getting married and are planning their wedding & getting ready to buy a house, etc
Not the best reason for getting hitched! Finish school, get yourself grounded in a solid career, then get married.
I married my high school sweetheart with NO REGRETS! But we finished school, worked a good 3-4 years, bought a house, then got married. I think it’s important to get yourself established, as an individual, before getting married. So take a breath, calm down, and know your time will come eventually! Good luck to you!
(Sorry if this becomes a double post, half my original post disappared on me!)
Post # 5
Try not to compare your relationship to others – they have probably graduated college and are starting their lives together. I think this is the best plan – what’s the rush? I would never get married until I had a job and could support myself.
Post # 6
Hmm… nothing wrong with wanting to get married, but I would try not to let other people’s relationships factor into it.
Make sure you’re wanting to get married because you feel like it’s time and that you’re ready, not because everyone else is getting there first.
Post # 7
@Stranger516: Additionally, I understand social pressures and the desire to keep up with the Jones’s (sp?). But, your relationship will move at its own pace. Because everyone else is doing it is never a good reason to make life altering choices (i.e. marriage, children, etc). Before you seriously get antsy about marriage, talk to your SO about whether or not he is serious about that type of commitment and all that it comes with. It’s a big deal to commit your life to someone, and it goes so far beyond the wedding (which is ultimately a party you play dress up for). And it ain’t always easy! Don’t get me wrong – It’s a blessing, I love my husband dearly, but you have to consider combined finances, how you will raise your children, what to we do if one of us gets a great job offer in the other side of the country (or in another country!?), what if I hate my job/do you support me in pursuing other endeavors, can we support US on just MY income? It’s BIG BIG BIG choices that you make TOGETHER, and you essentially need your partner’s blessing before making decisions. You don’t need to do that just yet, so enjoy life in the meantime!
Post # 8
Thank you all for the replies!
I guess it will be much better in the long run to just wait it out and let things run their course.
Post # 9
I got married at 19 to man I was dating for 4 years. He is in the military, and is deployed once a year. Because of this, we got married really youg, and I left school to move to where his base is.. although I love my husband and do not regret marrying him, I really wish I would have finished school where I was. I am now a semester behind in my schooling 🙁
Post # 10
Bleh, I was in a similar situation. Not 6 years, more like 3 plus being in pre-relationship status for 2. It seemed like everyone around me was getting married and I’d watch them and think, “We’ve been together longer than them…”, “We’re more stable of a couple than them…”, “So why isn’t it us???” We had talked about marriage, and my bf (fiance now) said he wanted to marry me, so…? Drove me crazy. I read TONS of relationship articles and a wedding book to boot (there’s a section in the beginning about this).
Though most everything was cosmo-phooey, there was one tip that helped me cling to a little bit of sanity: plan your life. What do you want to do after you graduate? Make a timeline.
In my case I was in college, preparing to graduate in a year and a half. Because he would get his degree a year before me, when I got out I would join him at whatever out of state school he chose and end up working/attending graduate school where ever he was. This was a BIG decision to make with no promise of marriage. So I shared how uncomfortable I was moving with no promise of marriage, and what my ideal timeline would be for engagement/marriage. Turns out he had a timeline too! So we compared, talked about the details of us moving and what would be a practical time for us to get married. It helped a lot that he also wanted to be atleast engaged by the time I moved for him. Also helped a bunch that by moving we were leaving most of our family behind, making it more convenient to get married before. I told him how long I would need to plan a wedding, and that was it. Bam, suddenly we had a date by which he needed to propose. There was no ultimatum because I never gave a false threat of leaving. There wasn’t any unfairness on his side by giving me some vague answer.
Of course, the date we set was 6 months away and I did go a little crazy in that time, but it helped to have a deadline. So plan what you want to do, see what he wants to do, and compare notes.
Post # 11
“It seemed like everyone around me was getting married and I’d watch them and think, “We’ve been together longer than them…”, “We’re more stable of a couple than them…”, “So why isn’t it us???” We had talked about marriage, and my bf (fiance now) said he wanted to marry me, so…? Drove me crazy.”
You explained exactly how I have been feeling!
I realize that I constantly nag him about when he is going to be getting a house (since he said he wants to get a house first and then get married). He is waiting for the end of this year to see what his raise/bonus will be and then that will determine if he can get a house next year or not. Either way I wont be done with nursing school for the next 2.5 years.
I guess it is wise if I just focus on school for the next 2.5 years and take my boards to get my license. I guess it would be a nightmare to plan a wedding and prepare for the boards.
I am going to refrain from talking to him about it for now though since I think i’ve reached my limit about nagging him about a house!
Post # 12
@Stranger516: Haha, good luck! I’d still figure out a general timeline for if you can’t get a house just because you will graduate eventually and life goes on.
I was a pretty horrible nagger, maybe not as bad as some, but bad for me. This book is the one I’m talking about:
In the beginning she touches upon the evil emotional circle of being excited, feeling guilty, getting depressed and self-pitying, and then starting all over. Pretty good book, but only touches on it a bit.
Post # 13
@june_mantis: Nice thanks! My kindle awaits!
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2014 - Italiano's Humble
@Stranger516: I may be sounding out of context. But you keep saying you’re waiting for HIM to buy a house. Well, if my BF/FH were thinking of buying a house, and we had at least had a discussion about marrying one another, I wouldn’t be waiting for HIM to buy a house. I’d be CONTRIBUTING to that down payment fund/savings, bc essentially, it would be OUR house.
Take this into cobsideration, seriously. If he’s the only one saving, he’s the only one on the loan/deed, guess what honey, that ain’t YA’LLs house, it’s his. You just help him pay the mortgage. And no offense, if you get married just bc YOU want to, and everyone else is doing it…that house stays HIS, if you happen to divorce or separate. Not trying to be negative, by any means. But there are PLENTY of things people dont think about when deciding to get married.
Plan YOUR future, let him decide HIS, then decide if the 2 paths you each set for yourselves is going to be cohesive TOGETHER.
Post # 15
It is frustrating! So many of my fiance’s and my friends have gotten married. (It’s only made worse by the fact that our wedding has been postponed many times.)
But we are waiting for the same reason that you guys are, so I can finish with my undergrad. Just hang in there. If it is meant to happen, it will.
Post # 16
6 years is a long time but 23 is so young! I agree not to compare your relationship to others though (I know it’s hard, just wait til your 25-27 when everyone in the world is getting married or having babies!)