Post # 1
I feel like a broken record writing yet another post about my family drama and planning stress and how it makes me not want to have the wedding. This whole thing has been one huge mess right from the start. I put up with it because FI had his heart set on a big wedding.
But on Friday night I had a huge falling-out with my mother about the wedding and it was really the final straw. She said absolutely terrible things to me – about me – and I know it will be a very long time before I am comfortable speaking to her again. We have always had a very close relationship, but it has definitely been broken. She has caused a ton of drama and stress throughout this planning process but I have been willing to overlook it and trudge on with planning because I love her and care about her. But after Friday night, I just don’t have it in me anymore. I never wanted this wedding to begin with, and this has all just become too much for me to handle.
With that recent development, on top of all the other stress we’re going through because of this wedding, FI has really been regretting that we didn’t elope like I originally suggested when we first got engaged. Last night, he told me in all seriousness that if I wanted to cancel and elope, he was 100% on board with it.
The problem is that we have put down deposits that are nonrefundable at this point, and people have already made travel arrangements – including my aunt who lives in Europe. I would hate to let all of them down and cause them to lose out on travel expenses.
FI and I came up with a plan to cancel our planned ceremony and just elope sometime in the next few weeks. We would not cancel our reception on the 5th – instead, we would simply call it a celebration party instead of a reception and have it be a little more low-key and relaxed. No official dances, no bridal party introductions, no cake-cutting, just a simple celebration with food and music and good company. After eloping, we will call everyone who RSVPed yes to the wedding and let them know that we eloped but that we would still love to see them and celebrate with them at the party on the original wedding date.
I think this works because then people who made travel plans don’t lose out – they are still attending our wedding celebration. Worst-case scenario, people get offended and decide not to attend the celebration party. We are both okay with that. Honestly, that’s the point we’re at right now. FI says that at the end of the day, the important thing is that we get married in a way that makes us happy. The people who really care about us will understand and not be offended or hold it against us. We only get one wedding and it should be something that brings us joy, not heartache. This extravagant wedding does not make us happy. An elopement and low-key celebration sounds much better.
Has anyone else done this – cancelled and eloped so close to the wedding? How did it work out for you?
Post # 3
@HeyKaraoke: I have not done this, but after a week filled with drama, I have been wishing more and more that we could.
I think your idea sounds wonderful! 🙂 As long as you don’t think that people would be really upset and would still come and support you, I don’t see why not. At the same time, though, I know I’d feel bad if my girls paid for their dresses/shoes/whatever for nothing. =(
I am sorry your mom made things hard for you. *HUUUUUUUUGS*
Post # 4
I am always for eloping, but in this case if you’re still going to have the reception, why not just go through with it that day? You’re so close now, 2 1/2 weeks, why go to the courthouse when you’re almost there?
Post # 5
I’m not saying this to be mean, but I would be really pissed if I was your aunt or any other of your out of town guests. A low-key celebration is different from someone’s wedding and I dont know if I would spend the money to fly all that way for something that laidback.
I’m really sorry you’ve dealt with all this drama. Eloping is a great idea, but at this point, I do not see how it will help. Maybe I’m missing something?
Post # 6
@icanhearyousmile: thanks for the support 🙂 we would definitely reimburse my girls for their attire, they bought dresses and shoes and FI and I agree that we will cover those costs for them so that they aren’t out any money.
@lovelyMsValentine: I know, it seems silly to do it this close to the weddng day, but the ceremony has been where all of our problems are. FI was set on having his pastor marry us. At our first marriage counseling session last month, however, we explained to the pastor that I am not of FI’s faith and the pastor refused to marry us. Poor FI was crushed and it really soured his outlook on the ceremony.
After that, we decided to have a self-uniting ceremony instead. Our parents (well, his parents and my mom) were going to “officiate” for us and they were all very excited to be involved. My mother had a large part to play in the ceremony (she was writing her own speech/blessing for us) and now she has bailed due to our fight. So that’s basically 1/3 of our ceremony that has disappeared on us and needs to be reassigned/rewritten.
My dad wants to walk me down the aisle, but we have an awful relationship and I refuse to do anything so blatantly false on my wedding day, I am not going to let him parade me down the aisle as if he was actually a good father when I do not feel he has earned that right. So he’s being petty and passive-aggressive towards us.
None of the groomsmen have bothered to get fitted for their suits yet and the tux place has called us three times about it. It’s not like we can forcibly drag them there so we just don’t know how to handle this. FI has reminded them several times and even paid their fitting fees so it wouldn’t cost them anything to be measured. He feels like his guys have bailed on us, too.
Overall it just seems so much easier and less stressful to say “screw this” and elope.
@ohmybears48: Well, my aunt is coming not only for the wedding but also because my sister will be giving birth this month and she wants to see the new baby. Our only other OOT guests are two of my best friends and bridesmaids. I’ve already talked to one of them and she is totally supportive of us.
Like I explained above, at this point the ceremony is a train wreck and we just don’t have the energy or excitement necessary to revive it.
Post # 8
@HeyKaraoke: With all of that drama, I just say go for it. I’d talk to your OOT aunt just to be sure, and explain it all to her, but just do it. It’s YOUR day. Especially if half your party doesn’t even have their tuxes? Screw that nonsense.
Post # 9
@HeyKaraoke: Out of curiousity, if you did a self uniting ceremony; would it be legal?
Post # 10
@lovelyMsValentine: Yes, we live in Pennsylvania where self-uniting ceremonies are legal. In fact we applied for our marriage license today and the county clerk had no problem issuing us a self-uniting license 🙂
Post # 11
I say go for it 🙂 I am so massively stressed by my family at the moment, that I really, really want to elope. If we’d have known how stressful it would be just to get my family to *come* to my wedding, we would have basically said ‘this time, this date, this place, no reception’ and gone somewhere really remote, so the people who really care and want to come will, and no one else. Seriously, no formal invitations or anything. A bit late for that now, but if you can manage it and you both want it, I say go for the elopement.