(Closed) 2nd biggest argument of our relationship? Am I being unreasonable?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9552 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

First, super uncool of him to pull the breakup card. Second, if you’re both going to Long Island why not commute together. More time together. Less driving for each of you. Less gas. No burden on mom. Win win win win.

Post # 4
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t know about the other stuff. The not fighting probably leads to pent up stress, which leads to your huge fights being really huge, which might not be good.

However, him threatening to break up with you is a HUGE red flag. People shouldn’t be waving that around and if they are, it’s never a good sign.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@JenGirl:  +1. Though I lost track of how many wins there are.

Post # 6
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think considering how difficult everything has been since Sandy, you might want to cut him some slack. My fiance’s parents lost basically everything in the storm, and ever since then have been behaving in a very strange way. My FI and I, and his sister and her husband all live in the same neighborhood and we all still go out to his parent’s empty construction zone house to meet, because it makes things seem more normal.

While I’m not saying this is your problem, I think its possible your FI could be going through something like this. He may just be having trouble adjusting, and no one wants to have to move under these circumstances. Cut him some slack, and try and get to the root of why he is spending so much time out there. 

Also yeah, he should not be threatening to break up with you over one fight, not a good sign. 

Post # 7
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@lawyerchick13:  *HUGS* I don’t have any advice, but I hope that you can talk to him and get him to understand how you feel.  Best of luck!

Post # 8
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

1) break up card pulling isn’t cool, but it isn’t the end of the world… just a sign of immaturity IMO

2) I think you are overreacting a bit. My DH and I have a similiar situation, except I am the one with the long commute and he has a very short, easy one. Let me tell you: no matter how much I love my DH ( which is a lot), after a long day at the office… sitting in hours of traffic is the LAST thing I want to do. If my parents lived here, and I had the option to stay over there when I knew traffic/weather would be bad or if I was exhausted, you bet your ass I would be there in a heartbeat.

3) I don’t think you should equate his love for you by his preference to stay with his parents every so often. If you feel that there is a bigger issue, and there may be an underlying problem i.e. he never considers your feelings on anything or he makes a habit out of staying random places without filling you in, then maybe you need to address is with him in a calm manner.

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@lawyerchick13:  I’d cut him some slack on the commute thing. I have a horrible commute (2.5 hours each way) and there are days when I leave work that I just want to crash and don’t want to see another person. It doesn’t mean I love my FI any less.

However, he should not be pulling the break up card. That is really childish.

Post # 10
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Mrs_Amanda:  Hit it on the head with a clue-hammer.

Post # 11
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Mrs_Amanda:  +1

My FH has a minimum hour and a half drive one way to work each day…that’s minimum 3 hours total. A couple weeks ago it took him 4 and a half hours to get home. If he had the option of staying at someone’s house close to work a couple times a week I would tell him to go for it! Yes, I would miss him but I still could not be that selfish to want him there every night when he could relax at his parents.

Post # 12
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My ex used to do the same thing, and it really hurt my feelings. It caused an argument every time. So I really do understand how you are feeling. I don’t have any advice tho, because my ex just kept doing it even though he knew it bothered me and we broke up about 4 months later, not as a direct result but he cheated on me when he said he was staying at a friend’s. Definitely not suggesting that is going on with you at all, but it makes me doubt anyone doing that now heh. 

Post # 13
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Sorry. My FI also has a long long commute to work. About 2-2.5 hours each way so total of 4-5 hours a day. He stays in the city sometimes (we have an apartment in manhattan) because the commute from the city saves him an hour of commuting. I was a little upset at first but then i realized how tired and exhausted he would be by the time he gets home that i knew how much easier it would be for him to just crash in the city from time to time. I understand you miss him but if he’s not doing anything crazy and really unreasonable maybe you should cut him some slack.

However, the breakup card is very immature. Not saying you should breakup with him over it but it’s just not cool.

Post # 14
Member
4660 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It’s hard, I don’t think either of you are actually being unreasonable.

It’s reasonable of you to want to see him after a long day and a long commute. It’s reasonable of him to not want to make that commute when he doesn’t have to. (It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, just that he’s being a little lazy. I’ve done the same.)

The fact that he’s annoying his mom leans me toward saying he should stop, though. Is there not any way you guys can commute together on those days? Even if it means one of you leaves earlier/stays later than usual?

 

Post # 15
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

For the staying with his mother thing, I think you are taking it too personally.

I honestly don’t see the big deal of him staying with his mother 2 nights a week just because it’s closer. I would do the same thing in the circumstances. I love doing nothing after work. Doing nothing is great. I just recently started living with my FI, while it’s great and love-y, I miss living alone and just watching TV because there’s no pressure for house chores and I can do whatever I please…

However, threatening breakup is not cool. I feel like that’s bigger issue.

Post # 16
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lawyerchick13:  I honestly don’t see what the big deal is, sorry.  Why waste the gas just to sleep at home?  Commuting is a huge stresser, too.  As someone that used to commute over an hour every day, had I had a place to stay close by I totally would have all the time.  Stress from traffic literally takes years off your life.  I’d totally be doing what he was doing.  It has nothing to do with how much he loves you.  You guys are together the rest of the week, one or two days isn’t going to kill you. I’d love when my FI travels for work so I get the bed to myself!  Why don’t you use those days to catch up on things you put off doing for yourself – get drinks with friend, eat your favorite food that he hates, work on a craft project, etc.  It’s so important to have alone time in a relationship, especially when you live with someone, so you should take advantage of the days he is gone. 

It’s uncool of him to pull the breakup card when you fight, but honestly my FI and I both are guilty of this at times.  We’ve both agreed to make an effort not to jump to it anymore but like you we don’t fight often but when we do it’s pretty heated and gets pretty ugly.  I don’t necessarily think that’s a sign of an unstable relationship.

I’m a big believer in if you aren’t happy with your relationship situation and you both can’t find compromises together to make you happy then it’s probably not the right one for you.  

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