Post # 1
Anyone else a second wife planning her first wedding? I’m so self concious. I’m afraid of doing anything remotely similar to what he did in his first wedding. It’s bad enough that half the guests at my wedding have seen the groom get married before. Anyone else dealing with this? How are you dealing?
Post # 3
I have not went through this but look at it this way… All of those people who saw him get married the first time also saw him get divorced. They know he is now in a much better place & are so happy for you two & that he finally found the right partner! 🙂
Post # 4
I am a second wife, but he’s also my second husband. Neither of us really had much of a wedding, because we believe in the meaning of marriage more than the wedding; so we both had gotten married by law. I did it in jeans and t-shirt, so I’m guessing he did too.
When I told him I’d really love to have a wedding, he questioned “what changed” in my thinking. He also got upset because a few years ago I signed on Weddingbee. I was “Waiting” for my ex at the time and saw little scrapbooks and clippings of wedding things from back then too.
What I wanted in a wedding 5 years ago isn’t what I want now. My financial situation has changed, I can afford what I’d like, but also my tastes has changed and my FI is the main focus in my planning. I want him to be happy with the decisions in our wedding.
Post # 5
I’m not in tihs situation, but I have been a guest at a second wedding. My good friend got married, then got divorced, then found a new woman who was way way better suited for him than his first wife. As a guest at both weddings, it occurred to me that the only person who might feel awkward was his new wife. Everyone else enjoyed the wedding and was so happy for him that he found love after going through a divorce. I didn’t even think about whether their weddings were similar or not. I think Mrs.Estep made an excellent point – all of us think of his first wife as the one he had to get ride of.
Post # 6
I’m in the same situation. It’s my first time getting married, and his second. I feel like I want to do as much different from his first time too, so I think that’s a pretty normal feeling! I’m glad there’s someone else here dealing with the same.
I think what’s keeping me sane is knowing that everyone (with the exception of the ex-wife) supports us and is happy to see us married no matter how the wedding looks. I don’t think that people will compare it to the first one. Also, I think a lot of them know how unhappy his first marriage was.
Post # 7
I’m not so much worried about the wedding since he and his first wife went to the courthouse and eloped…but I’m terrified of making any of the mistakes that she did when they were married. I’m most worried about not knowing every single thing that happened with his first marriage and screwing up…I guess that might be a fear for any woman who’s getting married for the first time to a divorcee. I think your wedding will be special, regardless, because he’s marrying you. Obviously, he wouldn’t be marrying you if there were still feelings from his first marriage.
Post # 8
I’m also going to be a 2nd wife, but my first time. Given my partner’s first wedding was over 20yrs ago & I’ve got a completely different personality/tastes etc to his ex, I’m not too worried about the weddings being similar or guests (his family) drawing comparison.
I am however very conscious to not use any of the places they used. Eg his 1st ceremony was in one of the local parks, like the MAIN one that people use in our town to get married. It’s beautiful but I’m not going anywhere near the place – not even for our e-pics. Long story short, his ex is a crackpot & if anything we do is remotely similar to anything they did – I don’t want the drama.
Post # 9
Thanks ladies! I think part of my problem is that we were friends for a long time before we were together (which included time when he was previously married). He loved his first wedding (not his first marriage) and told me lots of stories about it when we were still just friends. Like, he did the cheezy thing where he stayed under her dress for a long time getting the garter, and the song they danced to, etc. So I’m torn because I really want to do the garter (It is the only cheezy wedding tradition that I think is really fun) and I know I shouldn’t let it stop me, but it just feels icky to always have this stuff in the back of my mind when I’m supposed to be having fun planning for my wedding.
@cbeyelia: I am lucky to have such a close friendship with my FI, but it can be hard sometimes. I knew him when he was married, I knew him when he was divorced, and through all of that we were just friends, so he told me lots of things he wouldn’t tell a potential lover. Things I sometimes wish I didn’t know. But there are also things I insisted on knowing. Often times, the best way to coax a guy into sharing information is to share some yourself. I tell my FI everything, all my insecurities, and I make sure he knows exactly why I want information. When he knows how important it is to me, he usually cooperates. I would suggest talking to your FI as openly and honestly as you can. Nothing ever makes me feel better than that!
Post # 11
Good morning. I’m a 2nd wife, first time bride. Just got married a few weeks ago. His family is SO SUPPORTIVE of this marriage and their involvement was 100% more than the first marriage. They got married in the backyard and we had a wedding with nearly 200 people at a very nice venue. I second guess myself sometimes because I will not be his first in many things. A good friend, in our same situation, reminded me that IT IS DIFFERENT. If it was so great the first time around, he wouldn’t be with you. Try to keep that in mind when you start doubting yourself.
Post # 12
I’ve been married almost 11 years (together almost 13) and was the second wife (but my first marriage). I agree with Mrs. Estep…people saw my husband with his first wife before (they eloped – not saying anything is wrong with that b/c I would have loved to do that but they didn’t have a wedding for everyone to see…and even if they did, I know it wouldn’t have mattered b/c his ex was not the right one for him) and saw how that ended, and everyone at our wedding told me how happy my husband was and how they were so happy he found me. I can totally understand your feelings though. I went through the same ones when we had our first child also, b/c he had a child with his ex. I thought it wouldn’t be special for him (immature on my thinking) but I was wrong. It was still very special. As you grow together, and as the years go on, you will change the way you feel also. Trust me…I was really bad in the beginning…comparing everything b/c I was so immature and insecure but I’ve changed now. You will have a beautiful wedding and you will see how happy everyone is that your husband finally found the RIGHT wife! 🙂
Post # 13
Yes, I am his second wife and I felt the same way as you. For me the hardest decision was picking a dress, because I didn’t want to look like she did. I know there were a number of differences like his first wedding was in a church while ours was outside in a field with our 2 dogs. But it still worried me during the planning. Most of his family that came to his first wedding decided not to attend our wedding, which made me sad. But there weren’t a lot of people there who were at both of his weddings.
I made the choice to look at it from the perspective of this is really the first marriage for both of us.
Post # 14
I know that people are happy for us. I’ve had several people tell me that they’ve never seen him so happy, and that they are so glad that we found each other, the other marriage was doomed from the start, etc. etc.
I guess I just feel really self-conscious about the actual day. Not as much about the marriage. (A little bit about the marriage, but that I can deal with.) The actual day has me more self conscious because I am going to be surrounded by people who did this for him just 6 years ago. Same friends, same family… I’ve made the wedding as different as I can, but the fact is that he had a big fancy wedding before and he’s having a big fancy wedding again. Peope saw a bride walk down an aisle to him before, and they’re going to watch it again. It just doesn’t seem romantic. If he eloped the first time, if he did a town hall wedding, it might be easier. But that’s not the case here. Should his friends have to give him ANOTHER gift? They gave him a wedding gift 6 years ago! Should they have to rent ANOTHER tuxedo? Should they have to sit through ANOTHER rehersal dinner?
I keep thinking of Carrie in the first STC movie where someone makes a comment to Big about “Third Time’s the Charm” and I just feel icky. I know it is different and I know he is happier now. I know we were meant for each other and I know everyone is happy for us. I just can’t help being self conscious about it.
Post # 15
@Tangled: Thankfully, you are a different bride walking down that aisle. His reaction will be different. Other people in the audience will be your family and friends. Those close to him that “saw this before” will notice all the difference. To be honest, they may have forgotten by now. Most people don’t remember much from weddings other than food, dancing and maybe the overall mood/feeling.
Post # 16
Ours will be second time for both of us and we are playing the song by Clay Walker “I’d love to be your last.” I love the lyrics and it speaks exactly of how we feel. “I may not be your first but I’d love to be your last”