Post # 1
My SO told me that by stressing about the proposal, I have taken the fun out of it. Well there are a couple ways to look at that. While the last thing I want to do is ruin the moment, I have to wonder, is this 2-3 minutes of a proposal worth the several months of anguish and waiting and wondering if he really means what he says and if he’s not waiting to see if something better comes along.. etc. I want him to have his moment (if that’s what he wants) however, is that “moment” worth the anxiety and stress that I am feeling and I’m sure projecting onto him.
How many of us would rather have a nice quiet personal proposal than some silly surprise that, after waiting so long , we actually start to resent. I don’t feel that there is a good way to convey these feelings to men because they seem to think that all women want surprises. Actually some of us DON’T, yet we are all categorized together. That is like assuming that all women want a big wedding when some of us prefer to go away and have a private ceremony.
Post # 3
Don’t assume he’s going all over the top with the proposal. But yes, it is his moment. He gets to be the important one for a whopping 2-3 minutes of the entire wedding process. Also, keep in mind that this is one of the most emotionally vulnerable times of his life. Even if he knows in his heart that you’ll say yes, this is that moment where everything is out in the open, and there’s no way to save face if you say no. If you were to say no, or if things go wrong, that will be the most humiliating moment of his life. So yes, they stress about it. And yes, you’re adding to his stress level, making it more difficult for him to ask.
Post # 4
@beeeforeigocrazy: Have you been bringing it up to him lately? I’ve noticed lately from all your recent posts that you seem to be really stressing out and miserable about this. This has probably already been said to you but if you’ve been bringing it up, I would try to drop the subject. That may make him propose faster if he feels like the pressure is off.
And in the meantime, focus on doing things that you love. Pick up a new hobby and try something that you’ve always wanted to do. Hang out with your friends, pamper yourself a little and do things that make YOU happy.
Post # 5
The proposal isn’t about you. It’s his solitary moment in the sun and it’s the only moment he gets. The rest of it will be all about you. Lets face it, 99% of weddings are for the bride and the bride soaks up all the attention she can get because, she’s the most important person in the world that day! But, you won’t be a bride without a groom, and your groom gets that one, 2-3 minute moment all to himself where he is the most important person in the world.
Drop it. This isn’t about your stress level because if you’re going to say that those few moments aren’t worth it, why bother even wanting to get married? Stressing him out will not make him do it faster. He will not want to do it at all. Could you imagine someone whining at you about your wedding day? You’re going to get frustrated and say “Fuck it! I don’t want to do this anymore.”
That’s what it sounds like you’re doing to him. So, my suggestion is to just shut up about it and don’t bring it up. It will happen on his time and for the proposal, his time is what’s important. He needs to do it the way he wants to, or how he needs to, and that will allow him to enjoy his moment in the spotlight.
Post # 6
Let the poor guy have his “2-3 minutes.” The proposal is really the only part of the wedding process that belongs 100% to the proposer, so he has the right to propose the way he wants to. It doesn’t mean it will be some grand surprise with roses, fireworks and a photographer b/c he could just be planning a simple homecooked meal (that’s what I got, and it was still awesome and not acutally a surpise). No matter what he plans, he gets to plan it. I agree with your BF, if you are constantly pestering about when he will propose you might be sucking any joy out of it.
If he has told you he’s going to propose and that he wants to marry you then there shouldn’t be any anguish, especially is he has a ring. Stop freaking out about a future proposal (that will come when he want to propose) and go back to living your life and being the fun and carefree GF I am sure he is currently missing.
Post # 7
@LadyBlackheart: I am stressed over this. I have stressed to the point that my muscles hurt and are knotted up.
He bought the ring in December, showed it to me in January and again in March. He knows this is very stressful for me. This is not a first marriage for either of us and at our age (mid 40s) we are too old for these silly games.
Post # 8
@beeeforeigocrazy: “My SO told me that by stressing about the proposal, I have taken the fun out of it.”
Why yes, yes you have.
I find that the most effective way for men to deal with this from their SOs is to delay the proposal a month every time you bring it up/stress about it.
Post # 9
@FionnaCake: I talk to him once every 2-3 weeks about getting engaged or our future. I try to get some of this off my mind on here. I kind of thought that might be helpful to not bring it up with him. On here I’m told to shut up so there really isn’t any outlet to let the feelings go
I’m sure someone will have an issue with this statement too.
Post # 10
@beeeforeigocrazy: Amen to that. I feel like people are always commenting that the woman needs to shut up and not talk about it, even on here where this should be the place that we can go to air our issues and feelings. And people can be very snide too. Like “oh well, a year isn’t very long” or something. Everyone’s relationship is different! I don’t get why we are all judging each other. We should be supportive and understanding!
Post # 11
Post # 12
@beeeforeigocrazy: You’re welcome. It is our future too and we should get to have a say, so of course it is frustrating if your SO is sitting on the ring! That would be frustrating for any woman on here and I think we all know that. I just feel it is unfair for others to judge. I do agree that the proposal is the man’s moment to be in the spotlight, plan something, and make it special. But the man gives the impression he doesn’t want it or might be reconsidering the long he sits on it and waits (even if he doesn’t feel that way, he is giving that impression). So, of course, this would be stressful and concerning to the woman. I feel like any woman should be able to come here and voice her concerns….and get support from the other women in similar positions or who have maybe experienced this. Waiting isn’t easy – we all know that! If anything, we should be lifting each other up, offering suggestions, comiserating, etc. There is plenty of this on this board, but I do often see posts where the woman is chastised for being upset at waiting. And that just stinks 🙁
Post # 13
But see, HE is telling you to drop it too. Respect goes both ways.
To answer your initial question, yes, the stress is worth the 2 – 3 minutes.
Post # 14
@beeeforeigocrazy: First off… -hugs- I know your pain. I’ve got a few health issues that are sidelining my thoughts of engagement, but I think about it a lot as well.
My mom actually told me to shut up about it to him becuase men take longer to be sure, and the proposal was supposed to be about him. Which is what others have said…and I couldn’t disagree more.
The proposal, in my opinion, should be about me. It should be why he wants me, and only me, in his life, for the rest of his life.
The wedding should be about US as a couple. It should be just as much attention on him as it is on me. He’s heavily involved in the imaginary wedding planning we do, often coming up with better or more refined ideas than what I have.
*drags self back on topic* I have told him that I believe a proposal should be between the couple, and not some fantastic thing in front of a bunch of people. While I am impatient, and waiting (seemingly endlessly) for him to propose, I also know that he loves me, and that’s enough for me at times. When it’s not enough, I tell him that I need to talk about things, if only to work through them in my head. Can you do that with yours? Can you tell him that you don’t need him to fix anything, just listen (or pretend to listen) while you figure out outloud where your head is at? Sometimes I find that it gives him something to think about that he hasn’t before.
I don’t know if any of that lovely rambling has helped, but mostly, try not to stress yourself about these things. Just breathe and remember that he loves you. Remember that you love him.
ETA: My SO has had the ring since Feb. *sigh* I’m looking at summer 2014 according to him.
Post # 15
@strawbs: I find that the most effective way for men to deal with this from their SOs is to delay the proposal a month every time you bring it up/stress about it.
I totally agree with this. FI bought the ring last June (which I knew about, so I bugged him alllll the time about it), and didn’t propose until November… nearly six months later. But, he asked after I FINALLY dropped it and it was the biggest surprise ever. I slammed the door in his face, I was so surprised (not how either of us saw that happening, by the way).
Please, please drop it. Vent here, that’s what Weddingbee is for. I’m telling you, the moment you seemingly let it go, the more apt he is to make you his fiance.
Post # 16
@aithinne: I agree with what you are saying, I don’t want to bring it up to him and stress us both out even more. He is always saying stuff like “I am going to marry you.” That’s great! I couldn’t be happier to hear that. As far as the ring, I don’t really care about that. I don’t even wear jewelery, so that’s no big deal for me. I just want to feel like we have moved on to the next level.
I was discussing this with a friend of mine and she made some very good points. She said in his eyss we were (kind of) already engaged since he has already bought the ring and all. Well if he chooses not to make it official because I have told him how much I want to spend my life with him, then he probably had no intention of it in the first place. Not that any of this matters, but there seems to be a double standard. We are supposed to ignore our own feelings and concentrate only on his. I personally think that the relationship involves 2 people and if and when we do get married, I want him to be as much a part of the decisions as I am. I want a partner for life, not just a man to stand beside me when I’m wearing a pretty white dress. So in my opinion, I don’t think the proposal is all about the man. I think it should be about the “couple” not his day to shine or the wedding being her day to shine. It should all be about them. I know I get frustrated about waiting but there is no doubt in my mind that if a man asked a woman to marry him and she didn’t give him an answer for several months, he would stress about it too.