Post # 1
Any of you get married and then think, shit, WTF did I do shortly after?
On our honeymoon he got upset and told me that I was really close to being the right person for him, just not right enough. Since the wedding he’s mentioned that he should have stayed single, that wow, this is what marriage is all about eh? (sarcastically implying that it sucked) and said that if I stay sad all the time he’ll leave me. Prior to getting married he broke up with me countless times while dating and even while engaged. Yet somehow, like a woman deep in the fog of “but I love him,” I convinced myself that it would still work. Today he told me that I’ve gained weight since he met me (yes, I have and quite honestly although he didn’t force feed me, the arguments, his anger, my lonliness caused me to self-medicate with large amounts of food. In all my life this is the most “sad” I’ve been and the heaviest I’ve ever been BY FAR.) and that I need help. These past two weeks we’ve been going to for long walks or runs every day. We said it was fun, that it was a good couple thing to do. Well today he told me really just doing it to secretly “help” me lose weight so that I can get to a level where I can do things with him. I’m not so obese that I’m confined to a couch and all my blood panels and blood pressure are in the very healthy range–not even just normal but very good. I can do a lot of activity if I want to so that is bullshit, I may just not WANT to do some things he does.
When things are good with him they are GGGRRRRREEEEATTTT, perfect match in so many ways. But when they are bad, as you can clearly see, they are just emotionally draining. I feel that whether it is his intention or not my self-worth and self-esteem have been dragged through the gutter. I had relatively low self-esteem before meeting him but I was functional and not completely self-destructive.
I’m just sitting here thinking, “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” about all of this. I’ve been diagnosed with dysthimia (chronic “mild” depression) and eating disorder NOS recently. I know I had the propensity for these before meeting him but nothing had triggered such a downward spiral. Right now I feel like nothing. I’m not really asking for advice. I think I just needed to write it all out. Comment, don’t comment, whatever.
Post # 3
@ButterfingerBBs: I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Maybe you two need some time apart to re-evaluate things. Honestly though, you should have went with your intuition before you got married. Your instinct will never steer you in the wrong direction. I think it’s easy to look at marriage with rose colored glasses on and not see the signs. Take some time to yourself – whether you have to stay with a friend or a family member, but make sure you can get some alone time to just think. Marriage comes with the good AND the bad. And if the bad effects you more than the good, it’s not worth it!
Post # 4
I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I’ve been diagnosed with dysthimia as well, and I know how low it can feel.
I know you aren’t asking for advice, but have you seen a counselor or psychiatrist? Having someone to talk to has been very helpful for me, and some medications have managed to keep me stable for the last several months. Having support is so important.
Post # 5
@misssydneyj: It’s hard to make such tough decisions like breaking off an engagement. Everything was booked, all the money was in. I just couldn’t bear the shame, the heartache, the lost funds. And there was always the good that brainwashed me into thinking the bad wasn’t SO bad. But thinking back, I should have backed away. I should have taken serious time and thought about whether this was good for me regardless of the trouble it might take to undo. I appreciate the prayers, thank you.
@galloway111: I recently started seeing a psychologist, he’s the one that diagnosed me. We talked about the possibility of medication the other day (though I’d have to go to my PCP or a psychiatrist for it). How long ago were you diagnosed? How’s the medication and therapy working, do you feel you’ll “get out” of the sadness? How does it affect your relationship?
Post # 6
I am so very sorry that he is being so insensitive to you. I agree with PPs advice about some time apart to get a better scope on things. I am sorry that you feel that you made the wrong decision. Honestly, time will tell hun.
Post # 7
I agree with galloway111, seeking a professional to help is probably a great option. It is easy to just let time pass without dealing with depression, I did it for years. But once I accepted it is a condition not a weakness I sought help and went on medication. Best decision ever.
Post # 8
Thank you ladies. I really needed an ear (or two, three, four). It’s difficult to tell these things to friends, co-workers, or family members. They’ll never look at the two of us the same and they’ll never look at the spouse the same. Even if I got out of the depression and he completely stopped being insensitive they would never forget, it would always be in the back of their minds.
Post # 9
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have a friend who went through the exact same thing but then went on to make her problem far, far, WORSE. She reasoned that having a baby would help make things better between them or at least make the good times more abundant and the bad not happen so much. She was dead wrong. But she ended up loving her child so much that she then proceeded to have two more children with this man who kept belittling her, putting her down, adding to her depression, etc… She was the opposite of heavy, but he still found countless things to put her down about and harped on her lack of sanity when he could find nothing else wrong. After years of putting up with a miserable life with him she wanted more for her and the children and left him. She is now happily remarried and cannot believe some of the decisions she made because she hoped things would get better. She is of course happy to have her children but she also must endure a LIFETIME of interaction with this man now because of their existence. I’m sure you will not let this happen but my friend would have loved for someone to shake her out of her depression and let her know no matter how uncomfortable it was–she should have called off the wedding before it happened or at least said enough was enough once she saw how bad married life was with him.
Good luck to you.
Post # 10
It sucks you feel this way. My first marriage was like what you are describing. The good, boy was it good! I never wanted to believe the negative things he would say were actually happening. When we were on our honeymoon, I forgot my sunglasses in the bathroom and he ripped me a new ass telling me a normal person would not have forgot them? wtf? weird shit…… I think your husband has issues with himself and takes them out on you. You could lose 40 pounds and he would probably still find a flaw. You should take time for you and you alone.
I am sorry I know how this feels. Why does life have to suck so bad sometimes! I will keep you in my thoughts.
Post # 11
@MrsLackeytobe: Yes, children are the worst kind of band-aids. I’m glad your friend is happy with your children but you are right, it is not the way to go when things are not in a definitively good zone.
@Carolyn72: What did you think when he did that to you on your honeymoon? How long before you two divorced? Sometimes I want to believe that if I did lose weight things would be okay, but you’re right, something is wrong with him. He needs to see someone/mature. He’s very mature when it comes to his career but with relationships I feel that he doesn’t fully understand the concept of “us”. Maybe no one fully understands it, but his understanding could definitely be strengthened. His immediate reaction with fights is to push away, to see what I did wrong without ever thinking of what he did wrong. And with someone as sensitive as myself, as much a people-pleaser as myself it probably feeds into that more. He blames me, I blame me.
Post # 12
@ButterfingerBBs: I was diagnosed with depression about 3 years ago (though I’m sure I had it for years before), and dysthymia specifically almost a year ago. I’ve gone through several psychiatrists until I found one that wasn’t just a pill pusher, someone who actually wanted to talk a bit about my situation and why I needed the medication. I’d tried 5 depression meds for the first two years, and when things didn’t improve I saw a new psychiatrist and that’s when I was diagnosed with dysthymia. They added a mood stabilizer to my anti-depressant and it’s honestly moving me forward. Things are far from perfect but I know that I’m so much better than I was without meds. If you do go this direction, don’t get discouraged if the first medication, or the second, or third don’t help. Different things work for different people and I know there is something that will help.
I also know that when I was going through severe depression phases I couldn’t think “logically”, I only wanted to be accepted and loved. It didn’t matter if someone treated me like crap 95% of the time- if they said they cared right now, in this moment, I would do anything for them. And every little thing got to me emotionally- I broke my favorite mug once and cried for hours just because I was so emotional. A lot of things will seem clearer if you can break out of depression, whether that’s through meds, counseling, support of friends and family, prayer, or whatever you find works for you. (Actually, I got 2 cats a few months ago and their companionship has worked wonders for me. If you like animals that’s a possibility too.)
I don’t know if I’ll ever get out. I’m stable now, but yes, I’d love to be stable without meds. I don’t like college so maybe once I’m done with that things will look up for me.
As for my relationship, it’s been so much better since I started feeling better. Fiance has always been supportive and comforting even when I was at my worst though. I find I’m more outgoing with other people too, and I’m a REALLY shy person so that’s a big deal for me. Seeing a counselor (aside from the psychiatrist) has been extremely helpful too. If you can’t afford both, a pastor, mentor, or a patient and understanding friend would probably suffice, since it’s mostly about being able to talk to someone and get their feedback from outside of the situation. Especially since you’re questioning your marriage- they may be ale to offer great advice or just listen and let you vent.
Sorry this is really long and probably sounds like a plug for happy pills. I know that everyone’s situation is unique so you might find other solutions work too. I really think that the first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. Let your husband in on it and give him the chance to support you. I hope that you are able to find happiness, in your marriage or out. Keep us posted!
Post # 13
It’s never to late to get out or start over. No shame.
Judging by the way your husband is talking to you , about you and treating you, I’d say there is no reason to continue. Even if your the happiest person on earth and starve your self into his shallow world of attractive, he will most likely always mistreat you, furthering you into un-hapiness.
Make a plan, and continue to get some help so when the right guy comes along you will know it and be able to maintain it .
Im so sorry, Praying for the situation!
Post # 14
I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🙁 As someone who struggles with depression, I can tell you how important it is to have a DH/FI/SO who is understanding and supportive of this. I’ve been pretty depressed lately due to being unemployed and Darling Husband continues to support me, even when I’m super down. It sounds like you had some doubts going in and now are feeling trapped. Marriage is about being a team and it sounds like you feel like you’re going through this all alone and you shouldn’t have to 🙁 I also, think seeing someone would be a great idea so that you can work on you before worrying about what to do about your relationship with your husband.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts!
Post # 15
I’m sorry, I’m not going to dress it up…he sounds like a huge jerk! And jerks aren’t jerks all the time believe it or not, so don’t fool yourself thinking he can’t be that bad because you have some great times together – he’s treating you badly, end of story.
It’s a shame you decided to go ahead and marry him if he was treating you like this before you got married, but I’m guessing you probably thought he would change after marriage right?
I can’t believe he said that to you on your honeymoon. How mean!
Grrrrr…..he sounds like an a$$.
I hope you get strong and leave him. Find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated x
Post # 16
He sounds like a big jerk and you are *not* going to turn into the woman he wants magically, and by belittling you, he is doing the complete opposite.
I dated a man for 10 years that had me on that roller coaster. Instead of putting me down, he would just withdrawl from doing anything fun, and would get mad at me when I tried to question him or improve things. It was so hard on my self esteem.
I would put everything on the table with him. Ask him to be a loving partner, make changes for a bit, or tell him you are leaving. I would also definitely recommend that you continue looking into your depression and treatment.
You deserve to live happily. I learned from my last decade (my 20s) that life is way too short to be treated pooly, and to be unhappy.