Post # 1
I thought I was over this, I really did… but for the past few days this has been bothering me SO much, and I need you Bees to help me snap out of this nonsense.
FI and I have been together almost 10 years, seriously discussing marriage for the last 3. Well a few months ago we finally got engaged, but it was not what I had been waiting for for all those years, not even close.
This is what happened:
FI put together what little money he could a bought a ring and hid it in our house (although not very well). One day I found the ring while I was cleaning. I put it back and that was it.
Later that night FI and I were talking about getting engaged and I let it slip I found the ring (this is my mistake). Well one thing led to another, we end up in a big fight about him making me wait a decade for a ring and he just went and got the ring and proposed right then and there. It was like “I love you, will you marry me” and that was it. I got a huge knot in my stomach. I actually wanted to cry. I couldn’t believe I waited 10 years for this moment and that was what I was getting.
Yes, I know this was mostly my fault, but I blame him too for making me wait so long and turning me into a crazy waiting person. At that point, I had lost all my patience and I was ready to walk.
I was hurt that he didn’t really bother to save for a decent ring. And I was even more hurt when he told me his original plan to propose during a cruise we were taking the following month. Why couldn’t he just wait to do it right?
I love my FI more than anything in the world, but sometimes when I start thinking about my incredibly disappointing proposal, I just want to cry. I will never get that moment back. There is nothing he can do to fix it.
Please tell me what I can do to get over this. I don’t want this to ruin my relationship. I know I’m being ridiculous, but I just can’t help it.
Post # 3
I’m confused. You’re mad because he “made” you wait almost a decade for a proposal. Then you got it, and your mad because he didn’t wait until your cruise?
Post # 4
Well, you could try to think about it from his perspective – imagine the proposal disappointment issues HE’S having. What if he had something really romantic planned but had to nix those plans and propose on the spot just to appease you? That’s kind of sad when you think of it from his perspective.
Proposals often don’t go as planned. My fiance had something very particular planned but I got sick and he had to adjust on the spot.
You got the ring, you’ve got the man – focus on the good things you have and look forward not backward.
Post # 5
@MissMaya: Oh, man… I hope you are ready for what is coming from your post. Some Bee’s can really turn things around when it comes to stories like this.
My opinion, everything that has to do with weddings is surrounded by pressure we put on ourselves for everything to go exactly the way we expect it to go. In the end the end result is the same, you are engaged/married. Sure you dont have an elaborate and probably overly made up story to share with friends and family for them to be “envious” of you but I can assure you that feeling goes away fast. I didnt get an elaborate engagement proposal and guess what I loved it anyway because he asked me to be his one and only for the rest of our lives. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.
Post # 6
Lol, my DH was writing a video game (he’s a programmer) to have me play through and then I would have had to drive to my friend’s house where all of our friends and my family would be waiting to watch his proposal and have a big party!
And then he had a customer deployment for work for 6 months and I got a proposal at home on the couch in my pjs.
It doesn’t always go the way it’s planned, but you got the man and the ring, and hey, you get a freaking dream wedding now! 😀 And I agree with PP, imagine how disappointed he must be if he had had something amazing planned for you and felt as though he had to do it to make you happy so you wouldn’t fight anymore.
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
“It was like “I love you, will you marry me” and that was it.”
What else is there? That’s all that matters. It’s unfortunate that the ring was found/the fact that he was ready to propose wasn’t a surprise, but you can’t change that now. I’m guessing that you’re disappointed that it wasn’t your version of a wildly romantic moment, but those were the most romantic words he’s probably ever said.
Post # 8
Assuming he didn’t wait for the cruise because you told him you knew he had a ring. And then you said you got in a fight that he had waited so long.. Kind of spoils the fun. At this point what matters is that you are engaged, and I bet you after your wedding day you won’t even think twice about this anymore. The marriage is what’s really important.
Post # 9
@MissMaya: Agree with PP, brace yourself for some of the responses you may get!
That said, I think you both set yourselves up for a no-win situation here, waiting that long often does raise expectations to insane levels and to be honest, it kind of sounds like it got to a point where he just wanted to get it over and done with. Waiting does put crazy pressure on both parties and that is a LONG time to wait! (I went crazy waiting 6 months!)
Granted, it would have been nice if he’d waited for the cruise but try and let it go now and move on to all the wonderful things that are coming. When my FI proposed it wasn’t this huge grand thing, it was just the two of us at home but it was wonderful and so us and I wouldn’t change it for the world. The setting of the proposal isn’t everything. If you love eachother and want to spend the rest of your lives together, that’s the part that counts.
Post # 10
@MissMaya: Regarding the proposal, I think this is a REALLY good growing opportunity. NOT that I’m some old sage who does not have my her moments, but if I have learned ANYthing since making my marriage not just work but be really great, it’s the following:
“Stop expecting it to look like what you thought it would look like. It’s true of the fall lines and it’s true of relationships.”**
The point is that we will always form ideas in our heads about things, sometimes without even realizing it. Even your partner will not be able to read your mind, and even if you tell him/her, that also does not guarantee he/she will understand or actually be able to make your expectation a reality. With situations such as what you are describing, you really have to just step back, look at the big picture, and ask yourself do the little details, the means to the end of what you wanted, REALLY matter? Or are you in a good place, where you wanted to be, poised to let that good place get screwed up because you’re hung up on the packaging? So, the proposal circumstances…i’d say let that go.
Regarding the ring itself, the fact you don’t feel like the level of effort you would expect to be put in was indeed put into it seems like a bigger problem, and more of you guys not seeing eye to eye on a potentially bigger issues. I think I would have a conversation about why the ring is important to you, what you expected and why and then have him tell you his side. See if you guys can share some perspectives on that and come to a solution that makes you both happy. It may very well be he didn’t realize how you felt about it. Could it be that there were also times you missed communicating your feelings about waiting/when you would get engaged, and that partly led to this debacle where you were pent up with frustration and he felt backed into a desperate corner? Maybe this is good opportunity to practice more open communcation?
(And don’t let anyone tell you you’re shallow for not being happy with the ring — you are entitled to your feelings on that, and you can feel you want a ring of a certain type or value and still be a wonderful, loving partner to him at the same time).
**That’s actually a line from Sex And the City and in the specific context in which it was spoken, I actually do NOT agree with accepting things….but i digress
Post # 11
@MissMaya: My FI blew our proposal by telling me he had the ring (one night he was drunk..in February. He didn’t propose til April) and then telling me he couldn’t propose yet (on our trip) because he didn’t call my dad yet to ask for permission. He then proceeded to go outside – call him – then tell me how it went! Did it frustrate me he hadn’t even taken that time to call him before our weekend getaway? Yes. Is it a picture perfect proposal? No – but that’s just how FI is. I wouldn’t expect some grand proposal from him. Honestly, I don’t think most ladies even have that.
As for the ring, FI proposed with his great grandmothers engagement ring. Luckily, it is very pretty but it is pretty tiny. Would I have liked a ring that I got to choose, with a larger stone? Yes, absolutely. Would I ever tell him that? Absolutely not. He (and his family) are so honored that I wear her ring. It is from the 1940’s and she just passed away last year.
One solution – I am getting a ring guard (also called a wrap I think) to go around the engagement ring as my wedding band. This provides me with a bit more bling, but I still wear the original ring he gave me.
I think you need to focus on the positives – you are marrying a great man. I also think this story could come off as funny in the future, “I found the ring while i was cleaning – and then he proposed on the spot when I told him!”.
Post # 12
I think this is a clear cut case of building something up so tall that no real situation could possibly touch the dream.
i agree with a previous poster who mentioned that your fiance is likely feeling extreme disappointment as well. I know it’s easier said than done, but just move on and be happy with what you have, because if you don’t appreciate it someone else will.
Post # 13
@MissMaya: that sucks but I do think some guys are clueless. It’s a memory for us and a question to be answered for them. My guy did great but it also wouldn’t surprise me if he didn’t plan anything at all and I consider him very romantic. I was just so happy he asked that nothing else mattered though. Just try to really remember the guy you loves wants you to be his wife. That’s pretty awesome
Post # 14
I can totally see why you would be disappointed. Women have this unrealistic version of proposals that have fireworks and marching bands and God knows what else. Rarely are they ever what we expect.
I think the most disappointing aspect of your proposal is the fact that it came after a fight. That is (usually) never how someone wants to be proposed to. This is just something you are going to have to accept as part of your life story together. One day you will laugh at it when you are gray and wrinkley together telling your story to your grandkids.
I know a lot of bees will chastise you for complaining but from what you described, it was kind of a sad way to do it. Cruise or no cruise, your FI could have chosen a better time to pop the question.
Set your sights on your wedding day and the future you have already begun with your FI. You won’t be upset about it forever.
Post # 15
@MissMaya: I’m still disappointed with my proposal a year later. I asked that he have a picture taken of it and that he make it sentimental, because he is never sentimental and I just wanted it this one moment. That was all. We had our picture taken moments before he proposed. He didn’t do it then, so it wasn’t photographed. His version of being sentimental consisted of saying, “I’m a lucky guy. You know what would make it better? If you’d marry me.” The ring was not what I wanted.
I’m sure some bees will attack you for your post, but I know how it feels to be let down. I still think about it sometimes and get sad.
Post # 16