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It’s a good thing I joined this forum when I did because already I am finding myself fit of frustration!
Last night (I can’t recall exactly how) SO brought up the ring thing again saying something along the lines of “sparkly…blah...blah…3 years from now.” I looked at him in disbelief and asked if he was joking with me, after all we’ve been together nearly 4 years, living together for 3, and in the last few months he’s become more and more comfortable with talking about proposing (he brings it up). Naturally I felt like a proposal might be coming within the year. “No” he says to me, he’s not joking. I calmly explain to him that I will need 2 years to plan our overseas wedding so that means it would be another 5 years before we get married. This does not sway him. I then point out that we have several aging family members (his own mother who is in her 70’s included) and I really want them all to be able to attend. When I mention my grandfather who is in his 80’s and will have to take a 9 hour plane ride he sheepishly says I am making him feel guilty. In the end he still thinks he needs another 3 years to propose.
I am just feeling so angry and hurt right now. I feel like he has just been teasing me these last few months and he won’t/ or can’t even explain why it’s going to take so long. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I certainly don’t want to pressure him but I feel like 7 years is more than a generous amount of time to wait to get married.
Aw, hon! I don't even know what to say, apart from the obvious, I'm sorry! I know I definitely could not wait that long.
Is there any way you can try and talk to him again, see if it is finances, or what?
I'm so sorry :( It sucks to realize you aren't on the same page with the person you love. It may be time for you to do some soul-searching and decide whether or not waiting so long to even become engaged will work for you. That's a lot of putting your life on hold to wait for him to make up his mind, and honestly? I think by this point he should know if he wants to marry you or not.
Is it just that he wants the proposal/ring to be perfect? Or does he have certain things he wants to accomplish before getting engaged? If neither of those is the case, then you come down to whether he's ready to commit, and that's a big one. The other two you could probably get through to him that they don't need to be perfect, but if he isn't ready the question is will he ever be? And are you going to resent him for making you wait so long for him to make up his mind once he is?
@Gingernx01: If my SO told me that, I'd probably give him the boot. IDC if 30 is the new 20 but I don't want my DH to be 40 when we have our first kids (personal choice). At that point, our lives would not be aligning.
I'd ask him why he feels a need to wait so long...
@Gingernx01: that's annoying. IF you are willing to wait, then tell him to stop talking about it because all it does is upset you and hurt your feelings. If you don't want to wait that long, tell him. Ask him if he is serious about wanting to get married. Its not fair for him to drag you along for another 3 years if he isn't serious.
I'm sorry I don't think I have any real useful advice, but at this point I think I would strangle my SO if he said he was going to wait 3 more years to propose. I would try to talk to him again and get a reason why he feels like he needs 3 more years to be ready, and then you have to decide if you're ok with waiting that long.
are you sure he's not messing with you? I can't understand why he'd keep bringing it up if he doesn't want to get married. I'd think he'd avoid the subject at all costs.
Here's the thing he definitely wants to get married and he has even told me he already has a plan for how to propose! I've told him (though I plan to tell him again) that he doesn't need to do some huge dramatic proposal and I would be happy with something very simple.
As far as it being about finances...well we have combined finances and there has been no issues on that end of things (he's a spender and I am a saver, but I am usually the one that worries about the money).
He is insistant that it's a cultural difference and that in Ireland most people don't get married until they are in their 30's.
@GroovyHippieChick: If only he were! He is a terrible liar though, and can't help but grin when he's messing with me.
Wait, so how old is your SO? I mean, if you've already been dating for 4 years and living together for 3 of those years, couldn't he propose now and then you set the wedding date for whenever he turns 30? Would that be acceptable? I'm so sorry you're going through this! If I may ask, why do you have to cater to his cultural difference? Relationships should be about compromise, about bringing out the best in each other, not one always sacrificing and one always taking. That just really doesn't make much sense to me.
@colli459: He's 25 now. Yeah his logic is flawed.
haha, no I do not have to cater to his cultural differences it's just the only reason for waiting he has ever been able to produce. You're right about the compromise, which is why I felt it was reasonable to meet in the middle and get married after 7 years as opposed to his 9, or my 5. But again he is being quite illogical in this whole matter.
oh my god i would kill him. Honestly when guys say this (and dont get me wrong Mr. Rush is a culprit) i feel like its SOOO selfish. You know you want to get married...but you are going to force us to wait?
I would tell him your starting to resent him for making you wait. I dont understand why we have to tip toe around this subject so we dont upset them.
SO wanted to guy a house...i DIDNT...what happend? We bought a house. Your both on the same page about marriage why would he make you wait?
HAhaha i think i am venting a little too.
*HUGS* its so tough.
@Rush1986: You read my mind exactly!
The man is just being a big stubborn boob about the entire thing.
And by all means vent! It's nice to have people to exchange these little rants with who understand how frusterating it can be.
@flownmuse: Weird question: Did he specifically use the phrase "to propose?" Like, did he say he needed 3 years -->to propose<-- or did he say he needed 3 more years? I'm only asking cause I had a similar conversation back in 2010 (I think) and my guy said he didn't see anything happening for up to 2 more years. I almost flipped. 6 months later we talked about it again and he meant he didn't see us getting married for another 2 years, not him proposing. He clarified that he would be proposing a lot sooner than that. It was a simple mix up where I assumed we were on the same page.
Honestly, with the whole "you making him feel guilty thing, I'd tell him you're not making him feel guilty, you're making him consider people other than himself. That if he really wants the family to be there, he needs to consider their circumstances and that he really doesn't have all the time in the world. That it isn't about him. It's about the both of you. Man, that's frustrating. You gonna have a follow up conversation with him?
Wow. That would make me so angry. I just hate the notion that marriage needs to be done on a timeline the MAN feels comfortable with. I think that's such bullshit. There are two people in a relationship, both of their expectations and hopes should be considered. In my opinion, it's rude to expect you to wait until you've been dating SEVEN YEARS when he's already in his mid-20s. I mean, shit or get off the pot. That's just mean.
@Gingernx01: Hmmm, I lived in Ireland and I don't think the age of marriage is much different than here. I actually found that a lot of people have children fairly young there and get married fairly young as well. I guess it really depends on his circle of friends & family there, but I did not find that at all.
I understand him not wanting to marry too young, however if the two of you are not on the same page all those years is too long to wait, IMO. I agree with pp, at the very least you two should get engaged now and set a date far out. It should not be ALL of what he wants and none of what you want.
@claireos: That's what I thought it might be as well, so I said to him "well I will need 2 years to plan so do you realize that if you propose 3 years from now it will be a total of 5 before the wedding?" He said yes and repeated his ideal time to propose would be in 3 years.
@daybyday: I understand the whole shit or get off the pot idea (having watched my friend wait 9 years to get engaged!), but I'd say it's also rude to demand someone get married before they're ready just because the other person has a different timeline.
You say he can't/won't explain why he wants to wait that long. I think at this point, you need to sit him down and really talk about it, especially if he's been bringing up marriage/the ring lately. If he's adamant that it'll be another 3 years before he proposes, there HAS to be a reason for it. Don't worry that you're pressuring him, it's just a conversation between two mature adults.
Tell him that you want to compromise and that 3 years is unacceptable. See if you can come up with a timeline that you BOTH compromise. Ask for permission to start planning at a certain point as well. If he wants 3 years until the proposal, how about you try for him to say 3 years until you're married.
Another option is that you could propose to him.
Finally, if you do decide to wait around for him, try to back off on the whole wedding/engagement/relationship thing and work on yourself. I'm not saying ignore him or leave him, but rather do more for yourself. Take a class, join a book club, pursue your own hobbies. Work on things that you can control.
All of that said, I think he's being completely unreasonable. Find out why he picked that magical number. Cultural differences are an excuse. Also, he's not respecting YOUR culture when he says that the Irish marry at 30 (also.. completely not true... all of my Irish friends are Irish Catholic and married young and had a few kids by age 30).
@misspeanut: I agree. And if he's not ready at this moment, that's totally fine. Like I said, the final decision should be fair to BOTH parties. But I also think that after living together for three years, to start talking about marriage and then putting a three-year timeline on it is unfair to the person who feels committed and ready. Maybe some women are willing to wait indefinitely for someone to be "ready" (even after that person has verbally committed to wanting to get married) but after four years and three years of cohabitation, I'd be concerned that there isn't something bigger at play if he's comfortable enough to TALK about it but still wants to wait several years. Just my opinion. I'd be furious. FURIOUS.
I'm sure this situation is very upsetting and that you are feeling surprised, confused, misled, hurt, and angry. I am very sorry that you are experiencing this disappointment and frustration.
Please know that I do not in any way mean to upset you or criticize you. That is not my intent at all. However, I think it's important to note that this situation provides another example of why many people -- myself included -- do not believe that couples living together before marriage is a good idea. I'm sure your SO has very deep and strong feelings for you and is quite happy with your relationship. However, when couples are living together as if they are married, when they are not married, there is not always an incentive for the person who says he or she is not ready to be married, to get married on the other person's timetable.
I am wondering how your SO would feel -- and respond -- if you decided that you no longer wanted to have the same type of relationship you have now, until after you are married?
Yes I agree that I would find it quite difficult to give an ultimatum if he simply isn't ready.
@britishbroccoli: I have told him in the past that I am not going to wait 9-10 years to get married but I am debating weather or not I should try to talk him down from his 3 yr proposal right now. I don't want him to propose out of feeling pressured I just want him to understand that I can't wait that long and if he truly wants to get married he'll need to do something about it soon.
It's very reassuring to know that I am not alone in thinking he is being unreasonable!
@Brielle: Believe it or not I agree with you on this, the only reason we started living together so soon is because we have moved around a lot (different countries and states) for one another and financially were unable to afford living apart. So I do feel that he is probably getting all of the perks one might have being married but not having to actually take that leap. On the other hand I am reassured in knowing that our relationship is 100 times more solid because of what we've endured while living together.
@Gingernx01: Tell him exactly what you told us "I don't want him to propose out of feeling pressured I just want him to understand that I can't wait that long and if he truly wants to get married he'll need to do something about it soon." - It isn't an ultimatum or pressure at that point. It's a conversation about expectations and is just you being honest about your feelings.
@misspeanut: That's a very good point! I will definitely use those words when I breach the subject (possibly tonight).
uhm the cultural excuse is b*llsh*it. When did he move here from there?
I'm confused about what he thinks is going to happen over the next 3 years. 6 months to a year I can see, when you know how much money you need to save and maybe need to finish school or something... but 3 years is a long time and you really have no way of knowing what could happen in that time. Does he really think you'll wait that long? It seems to me if a guy wants to marry you he'll scoop you up before someone else does, not tell you to put your life on hold for a few years so he can reach some arbitrary age before proposing. It sounds to me like marriage isn't even on his radar but he knows he needs to mention marriage or give you a timeline in order to keep you. I don't think it's fair that he thinks he can keep you in this limbo state for that long. You can't make him marry you before he wants to, but you also don't have to wait around and I think he needs to realize that.
@Gingernx01: Good luck with everything and definitely keep us updated. Marriage isn't a one way street with one driver. If you're supposed to learn to accept the potential of waiting an additional 3 years for the comfort of your partner, your partner owes it to you to put himself in your shoes and learn to accept the potential of NOT waiting an additional 3 years. Fair is fair. Hope things go well!
@Snow00774: He's lived in the States off and on for the past 5 years (we just moved back from Ireland after having lived there for 2 years).
@Moja Milosc: Exactly, that's what I said. Why would it take 3 years if you know you want to get married and you are no longer in school?
@claireos: Thank you for your support and what you are saying is so true! He definitely needs to see it from my perspective.
Thanks everyone for your help and encouragement! I am so glad I found this board when I did. Provided that I am in a calm and collected mood I am going to bring up all of these points with him this evening and hopefully we can have a healthy and productive conversation about this whole thing.
Good luck!! Do not let him use the cultural angle. The decision to wait is his and his alone, not based on some myth about Ireland. Ask him to truly think about why he feels it's important to wait that long.
I hope you two can figure out what works best for BOTH of you :)
@Gingernx01: I really sympathize with your situation. Like some of the PPs said that is not a cultural difference, i grew up in Ireland and most people I went to school with there got married in their late 20's - waiting until you are in your 30's is definitely not an Irish thing - I would wonder is he just using that as an excuse and if so why?
Like the others i also disagree with ultimatums but this is a situation where he gets to make a major life decision for both of you i.e. not to get married for at 3-5 years and there is nothing you can do about it which is not a fair situation for you. You have been together a long time at this stage and if he can't commit now - what will change in 3 years? If I were you I would discuss with him how important it is for you to get married sooner rather than later - disregarding relatives or anyone else - just emphasise that marriage is important to you and where you see your future going. If it is that important to you he should at least entertain your point of view, you should not have to apologise for taking control over what you want to have in your life.
Your lives are intertwined finanacially as well which is super - risky without a concrete committment so it is important to know for sure that you are on the same path. I do not mean this in any sort of scary way but you need to be careful here, we have all heard stories about how people mixed their finanaces and then they break up and things get ugly - I am totally not saying that that will happen in this situation but no-one ever thinks that they will find themseves in that situation until of course they do.
I am not trying to be a debbie downer here, but I am asking you to think about what you want in your future both personally i.e. marriage and your own financial security and see if you feel that you are on the path to getting what you need out of life right now and if not what do you need to change. My advice may seem a little strong I know :) I ask you only to step back for a minute and think really objectively about what is best for you. 
I'm glad bees were able to give you some sound advice compared to mine! Please come back and update us all after. And good luck with the talk!
Not cool. The general timing of engagement should be a joint decision, not one made by only him. While he gets to decide the actual day and details, you should both be on the same page regarding timeframe.
I hope he's just trying to throw you off and is really planning to surprise you with a proposal soon. It seems weird that any man would bring up rings 3 years before he's looking to give you one. Especially given that you've already been together for 4 years and lived togehter for 3! Sounds fishy!
@Gingernx01: I'm glad that my comment did not upset you, and that you have already considered the role that your living together may be playing in allowing him to be content with the status quo for the next several years.
I am older than the majority of you, and, although many people certainly were living together and having sex outside of marriage when I was in my 20s, it seems that it is just SO much more common and even "expected" by many people in relationships today. That honestly makes me very sad, because, after reading these boards and seeing how excited young women today still are to become engaged and get married -- even if they have chosen to live with their SOs for a number of years -- I know that the institution of marriage is not as unimportant to them as some people think it may be among the younger generation. I also have seen a number of people like you -- young women who are extremely invested in their relationships -- whose SOs, unfortunately, are not as ready to commit. Like you, these young women are upset, hurt, frustrated, and even angry.
The problem is that, although people certainly have the freedom to make their own choices and decisions regarding sex outside of marriage and living together, they usually are not free to choose the consequences of those decisions. The problem is that, in many of these scenarios, couples often are heavily invested in each other emotionally, physically, and, as a prior poster said, even financially. However, their levels of intimacy and investment are not necessarily reflective of their levels of commitment. Even an engagement is not the same thing as a marriage, although it certainly is an expression of the intent to marry. For many reasons, a lot of engaged couples do not ever make it to the altar.
I know that not everyone shares my religious beliefs and values, and I certainly do not expect people who do not share my beliefs and values to live as though they do. However, I do believe that, unless BOTH people are content to be in a relationship that approximates marriage but without the permanent commmitment of marriage, the situation is not really fair to the one who wants to be married.
I wish you the best. Please keep us posted!
@Brielle: I agree with your previous point about not continuing the same kind of relationship. I know this would be hard if not impossible to do, but I would move out, get my finances in order, and live as if we were dating. That will show him that you're serious, and he'd decide whether that's how he wants to live or whether he wants to propose. And it's not an ultimatum because you'd still be bf/gf.
ETA: We lived together before getting engaged, but we were on the same page before moving in together. We have seperate finances.
i went through something kindof similar to this awhile back when FI and i finally agreed on a long engagement. he actually told me prior to that discussion that he wanted to wait until he was 35 to marry because its a 'good age to settle down' the excuses some guys come up with and their wacky ideas for whats acceptable in order to marry their partner is laughable!
we're in our late 20s and have already been together 4yrs now so theres no way i was going to wait that long. especially since i have some fertility issues, family planning ahead of time is extremely important for me. you really have to stand your ground with him, i didnt give my FI an ultimatum, but i did let him know i would walk if he tried to make me wait that long for marriage, then he quickly changed his tune and compromised on his timeline. sometimes they have to fear what it would be like to lose you in order for them to get their s---t together.
dont let him get away with that cultural excuse, ive never heard of such a thing.
@Brielle im with you on the living together before marriage comment, i refused to do so with FI, there is still a small group of 20 somethings who still hold that belief. my sister was living with her guy 10years and no marriage, men will get to comfortable playing house, the incentive to marry lessens after awhile, totally agree with that.
I just don’t know what to do at this point.
OMG! I would so be out of there! My best advice to you is to do boot camp with him nicely -- not in anger or spite, but NICELY -- in a loving spirit -- let him know that his time frame does not work for you, and while you will miss him terribly, you have to make sure you are living your life in a way that meets your needs. And that because you want a future for yourself that includes getting married in the foreseeable future, unfortunately you will need to start making arrangements to move out and that it has been nice knowing him, and you wish him the best of luck in the future. And that if he ever decides he is interested in setting a wedding date with you -- and IF you are still available and still interested in being with him (LOL!) -- then perhaps the two of you could discuss that further at that time.
Stand up for yourself, girl! I mean that in the most caring and supportive way. Don't allow someone else to leave you dangling and in limbo. You deserve better than this!
I certainly don’t want to pressure him but I feel like 7 years is more than a generous amount of time to wait to get married.
Agreed! It goes beyond generous.
I could not agree more with Brielle. Your guy is probably a wonderful person and in all likelihood he might have the potential to be a wonderful husband and father someday. But he has gotten way too comfy with this situation.
As scary as it might seem to you, I really think it would be in your best interest to set some boundaries with him and then stick to your guns. You must be prepared to walk. If he really and truly loves you, he will not let you get away. I promise! And if he doesn't love you enough to stop you from walking out of his life, it is FAR better that you find out now than later.
OP, I really feel for you. Brielle said it so well. This is exactly why I didn't want to live with my BF before getting married. (((Hugs))) to you.... I truly hope you find a way to work through this and I hope that I haven't offended you with my attempt to help. Hang in there!
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