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here is a novel idea (that I am sure to get flamed for *covers head*)
why don't you propose to him?
(This is what I had planned on doing, but FH beat me to the punch! the wiley man never let on that he had even thought about it at all!)
but in all seriousness, don't mention the job opportunity to pressure or threaten him, just bring it up casually, as you are going to have to address it eventually anyway, and the sooner the better. The longer you wait to discuss your possible out of state move the more he may be inclined that you were keeping it from him, which could end in hurt feelings. if you really care about him, you will share you life plans & goals with him honestly and openly without reservation.
And I wouldn't put off a career until October(especially not in THIS economy) for the sake of a possible proposal. if he is going to propose, he is going to propose...just in his own time. Don't base your life on his schedule, don't limit yourself because of the what ifs, do what is BEST for you, because everything costs money, even weddings. and who knows, maybe in his mind hes not proposing until dec. or jan. What then?
I am not sure how well this three step plan works for anyone...however, I do think it's great for you or any woman to focus on her own interests and I think that might wake a guy up or at the very least have him missing you a ton while you're off doing your own thing. I can understand if you have to make a career change and it could involve moving out of state that you want to 'plan ahead' in a sense. I am such a planner, I think I had my life mapped out since I was 12, haah but things change. Maybe in a month or two you could tell your SO that you are seriously considering taking the job out of state and just leave it at that. See what he says about it. I think if your relationship is ready for the next step and it's been enough time for him then that might push him to ask you....if not, then that could also be a red flag that the two of you aren't on the same page. However, I don't know either of you so this could all depend on age, financial situation, how long you've been together, etc. Hope all works out and let us know how it's going. Best of luck to you, I hope you get a proposal!:)
I think you sound smart...and patient! I was antsy 1 month after the talk.
I can see how the plan works. Men understand distance and actions better than words. Make hime miss you. He'll think about you more while you are away....keep us posted for sure!
Thanks ladies :) appreciate the support!
@missmouse: thanks for the advice! I do certainly share my goals and plans with him, so I'm not planning on hiding anything from him. The October date is only because that is when my current job ends and my apartment lease is up. The career path that I'm following right now has larger opportunities out of state so that's when I would move if I'm going to expand my career. He knows that I'm fine with putting off my career for another year or two if we got married, but I'm not going to do this indefinitly if I don't know that we're going to get married soon!
I think do the 3 step plan, and make sure to keep yourself happy! And go ahead and apply for those jobs if that's the best thing for you. Do what's best for you and see how he handles his side of the relationship.
I'm in a similar boat, changes are coming and I have to think long-term. I'm not going to make permanent decisions based on a potentially "temporary" relationship though. Until he's made the decision and you've accepted, you are still single. In times of career change and economic chaos, you've gotta think of what's best for you.
just my 2 cents :-)
Well, so far no success....SO just said that he's probably been taking upt oo much of my time and he's glad that I'm spending more time with my friends. Great. there goes that plan. now what?
He's being supportive, what a sweet guy. Stay on your path. The plan is helpful to help you take care of you.
Just stick with it... Im telling you, you WANT a guy who is supportive
Yes! He is being supportive. I agree with the other Bees, keep working the plan. He needs some space to feel (or not) that he misses you. This may not happen immediately. Maybe take an out of town trip with the girls, or with family.
If as you say a year is "too far away" for you then you must consider carefully how you feel and how long you can wait without feeling resentful. If you need to make a career move in October than you need to have your decisions lined by probably by August/September.
It sounds like you may already be starting to have doubts. In which case, I think it's OK to talk to him and let him know that you're not sure you want the same things. You're happy with him but you want more from a relationship and this doesn't seem to be progressing. You thought you were a match but if he doesn't feel that way maybe it's not meant to be, right? Stay calm. Don't say the word 'marriage'. Keep going to the gym and keep yourself busy and happy, keep working the plan. Don't avoid him on purpose, just make "your stuff" the top priority. You can even share with him that you have some big decisions coming up and while you'd like him to be part of it, if you're not moving forward, you don't want him to feel any pressure to be a part of something he doesn't feel ready for. Then trust him to make the right decision. And keep working the plan. He'll either seek you out then or he won't, right?
Thanks ladies! I'm definitely not giving up! I know that we both want this in the end...its just hard to wait when I have so many decisions riding on what he decides to do (or not do) in the next 2-3 months....aaaaa!!!
haha, on a side note, I did get a nice present...not what I was expecting, but still pretty cute. SO knew that I've been watning a hedgehog for a while, and he took me out on a date last night to pick one out. Pretty cute :P
....still waiting away though, and definitely making myself/friends/family a bigger part of my life....
How is your plan going?!
Mine is off to a rough start. Boyfriend has been working reeeeally long days because his boss is in town. I really took the initiative to get out and do all this stuff since he hasn't been getting home until late at night, so instead of lying around the house all day waiting for him to get home, the past two days I've gone out to the spa, manis/pedis, shopping for stuff, etc.
Last night he got home late and he didn't even notice/care about my stories that I had been so busy all day. Then, when he was tired & wanted to sleep and I wanted to talk he had the nerve to say "did you nap all day? you have so much energy now" I was LIVID, because I put so much effort into being ot of the house all day doing stuff and he asked if I napped all day? I got mad and he didn't get why I got mad and we had a mini fight.
Then this morning he made a joke about me not taking a shower in 3 days. It was a joke, but I got mad again because I've been doing everything to make myself look extra hot and taking extra care of myself, and he jokes about me not taking a shower!? So i got super pissed off again, and we fought.
I think I'm EXTRA sensitive to everything right now and the plan is backfiring because he made a comment this morning about how even though we only see each other 2 days a week all we do is fight. Ugh!
@maggierose: Oh god, I'm sorry! Any chance you can get out of the house and go on a mini girl's trip or something? Just to clear your head?
I'll vent on my progress, my BF appears to be on the Plan too....we're both so busy, one of us is gone every weekend for the next 3 weeks! Then it's my birthday and he planned a great trip for us. However, this weekend he's going to a wedding without me, he didn't get a +1. The wedding is out of state, incidentally in the same town my dad just moved to a month ago! 2000 miles away. Seriously, how weird is that? I *wish* he was asking my dad on this trip but I suspect that is so far off the radar at this point. And he doesn't even know how to get in touch with my dad either. Blah. It just kills me to know he's going to be there this weekend, RIGHT NEXT TO MY DAD! And he gave me a 2-4 month timeframe. And dammit I wish he'd ask this weekend otherwise he'll have to make another trip out there (he's very traditional) and it's going to be closer to 4+ months. *whew* That is my frustration right now...
@maggierose: Forgive me, I forgot you just moved...so probably no girl's trip. Uggh. Road trip maybe? Explore the country? Something to shake it up/break the pattern and get your minds off fighting. You're fighting becuase you're cranky/extra sensitive as you mentioned, even though you're trying really hard to take care of yourself please *try harder*! It will get eaiser.
Just to chime in.. I think a big part of the plan isn't just "stay busy so he misses you", it's "stay busy and take care of yourself to keep yourself HAPPY".. the happier you are, the more your guy will want to be around you, keep you around, etc. So try not to get frustrated if the first time you go out and keep yourself busy, he doesn't notice.. it's more a plan for yourself to be satisfied and healthy and distracted from constantly thinking about engagement. Just try to do things that will make you feel good and don't even worry if he notices the specifics or not.. what he'll notice is how you FEEL about yourself. Good luck!
@MissBoston: You're right. It's to make myself happy and not so much for him to see I'm busy with this great life and missing him...gotta work on the being happy about it part because so far nothing has been able to distract me from being angry about his five year time line.
@DreamingBee: Yes you're right. I will try harder. This weekend, we are going to the beach...some old friends of mine are going on vacation there so we can meet up. I told BF he is free to hang out with us or with his friends (who are a bunch of younger, single playboys who are NOT marriage minded at all..bad influence if you ask me). So it will be good for me to get some solo time with my friends but I can just imagine his friends ragging on him for living together and being a "husband" now which they always do and he's just like brushes it off like, nah dude we're not married. gag!
@maggierose: a 5 year timeline??? That's aweful. I'm so sorry. Have you tried talking about it again recently? But the other ladies are totally right...make sure you take care of YOU first.
I've been doing pretty bad at keeping up with the 3-step plan in general because (as some of you ladies already noticed) SO is so supportive of me having time to myself if I need it. If I make plans without him, he sutomatically assumes that he's been taking too much of my time, and he tells me how happy he is that I'm making time to re-connect with old friends. Ah well.
We did however have a chance to talk about the future. He understands my job and apartment situation, and he said that he has been planning to get married right after he graduates (he said that himself...no prompting from me!!! WOHOOO!!!) That's next May. Also mentioned that we have free plane tickets (from a previous trip) that expire the first week of June, and he said he'd like to use these for our honey moon. I was so happy I could squeel :)
YAY!!!
I've been pretty hopeless about staying on the plan myself...I've been mentioning engagement/etc but then again it's also come up. One of our friends just got engaged.
On the other hand, the "keep busy and invest in myself" part of the Plan has been going very very well :-)
@blabblabblab: I did bring it up again recently. I said a five yr timeline made me sad and I didn't think it would work for me. He claimed that he wasn't serious about five years and he probably just said it in the moment cause he didn't want to get into a discussion *rolls eyes*.
He is giving me super mixed signals! The other day, out of his own accord, he showed me a video online called "How to pick out an engagement ring", voluntarily went to Tiffanys.com to look at rings for a couple minutes, and then was like "ok this is going too far". Um..ok!
The 3 step plan was going good for awhile but now is off track. I've gotten depressed lately and have been moping around the house. I am doing the worst possible thing by drawing inferences from every little thing bf is doing "what is that face?!" "I am getting a bad vibe from you lately...why are you ignoring me!". I am driving us both crazy. Need to get out and take some classes on my own. Going away just me for 2 weeks at the end of Aug......I think that will be a much needed break - I will be hanging out w/girlfriends and maybe it will make him realize a couple things when I am gone!
I'm glad you're going to get away at the end of the month! I think it's preftectly OK to answer his question if he asks directly: just say "I'm confused". "You're sending mixed signals" sounds accusatory and he'd probably get defensive.
But it is a really good sign he's looking at rings. Really! If you feel like he's torturing you with it you can say "I don't want to get my hopes up and go crazy"
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So I've been very very good for the last few months while waiting for BF to propose....never asked about rings or when he's going to propose, and I haven't nagged once. Every conversation we've ever had about engagement has come up naturally or at his instigation.....
But now its been about 8 months since the big "talk" and I'm getting antsy. He says things that make me think he's going to pop the question within the next year, but a year might be too far away at this point.
I'm in-between careers right now, and needing to make decisions soon. I'm concerned that he's just going to put off the proposing for so long that I'm going to have to start making plans on my own. In fact, if I don't have a ring by October, I'm almost for sure moving out of state to pursue career. I don't want to tell him all this because I really, really, really don't want to pressure him to propose, but I can't just sit on my hands and wait much longer.
I love him to death and would do absolutely anything for him, but marriage isn't something that I can plan for until he pops the question, so I feel like I have to plan for the things I can count on (i.e. career).
That being said, Mr. Bee's 3-step plan goes into effect today...
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mr-bees-three-step-plan-and-backup-plan-for-getting-engaged
We don't live together (WE've agreed that we aren't living together until after we're married), but we do spend alot of time together in the evenings after work most days. But not this week! I'm going to the gym with a friend tonight, I'm taking some extra classes for work for the next three evenings and, yes, I'm even getting a hair cut on Friday (lol, but just a trim that I was planning to get anyways...it just conveniently happened to be part of the 3-step plan too).
I'll keep ya'll updated if anything new happens....